A woman laments at competing for her boyfriend’s attention with his business—and losing.
Dear Sexes: My boyfriend (of 3 years) and I are fighting all the time lately because he wants to spend more and more time on the business he opened a while back. He barely calls, but he asks me to understand and he insists he loves me. I know this business is his passion and his dream, but barely communicating and having only a little contact just doesn’t work. We love each other and talk a lot about it, but now I’m starting to think we need a break. When I suggested a break he stormed out. I’m broken hearted over this. Do I choose to support him and neglect my needs or do I give up on love?
♦◊♦
She Said: First, if you haven’t talked to him about your specific needs, you have to do that. Approach him with love and communicate your expectations, such as one night together a week for dinner and time alone afterward. Hopefully he can accommodate something reasonable. You cannot expect him to sacrifice the health of his business (especially in this economy) because you need him home to watch X Factor with you. Try to separate what you would like from what you truly need.
Here’s the harsh truth: commitment to one person is hard. You can look around at other relationships and other potential boyfriends and see everything you don’t have, and this can cause you to wonder why you’re not getting that from your boyfriend.
But you’ve gotta ask yourself what would change within you if he were around more? Would you be happier, less lonely, more fulfilled? Maybe temporarily, but if you plan to stay together and make a family, life is going to throw you curveballs that’ll make these seem like the golden years. The happiness, the security, the fulfillment have to come from within you now or you’re not going to have the fortitude to survive those storms still to come.
If you’re doing all this, if your life apart from him is rich and sturdy (be honest with yourself!) and you still feel neglected, then maybe it is time to move on. Maybe it isn’t the time for him to be in a relationship. That doesn’t make him a failure or a bad person, and you’re not bad for wanting something different. It’s gonna hurt, but sometimes hurt is good, it makes us stronger.
♦◊♦
He Said: As a self-employed business starter myself, I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. We business starters chase the entrepreneur’s dream of being our own boss, doing what we love, and trying to pay the rent all at the same time. This mission is difficult—perhaps the most difficult and risky of all employment paths. It requires both feet in, all hands on deck, and tons of support, help, and understanding from loved ones. As a musician, I am not trying to have another job, I am attempting to have my music sustain me—emotionally, creatively, and economically. It is my career, it is my goal, it is my love, it is my everything! Sometimes this “all in” approach (required by my career choice) causes friction in my relationship with my girlfriend, but for the most part, I know she has my back, I know she fully supports my dreams and visions, and I’m certain she knows I support her own personal quests for happiness and accomplishment.
Perhaps this sounds dreary or egomaniacal, but in the end, when our lives come to a finish, we die alone, so while we’re living, we really have to make sure we look out for our dreams, visions, and happiness. We look out for others too, but we must look out for ourselves. Within your relationship, you should try to support your partner the best you can. But if supporting him means neglecting your own needs, eventually you will resent your boyfriend for your sacrifices, and inevitably you will drift apart. It’s cliche, but sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. You don’t want to crush his dreams, and he shouldn’t want you to crush your own either.
If you want to try and ride this out together, and still maintain wholeness for both of you, set a timeline together. Discuss goals, expectations, and milestone accomplishments that you both want—for yourselves and each other. If your proposed paths are similar, you can find a way to make it work—even your boyfriend’s new business. But if you’re paths seem too divergent from one another, perhaps it’s time to kiss and wave goodbye. By the way, you don’t have to give up on love, you just might have to give up on THIS love. Good luck!
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Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo Victor Bezrukov/Flickr
About She Said He Said
I’ve gone down the business owner route for a number of years, and am an owner of one business and a partner in another – aside from having a full time job. If his business is his only income source, I can understand his sense of urgency. I can also understand his feeling that he can work on his relationship later and that she should understand. HOWEVER, going overboard (as I have done) is not good for a relationship, and your lady will grow resentful over time – if she actually wants to be with you. Of course, I was married, so I had far more pressure – both to make the business succeed and to keep my marriage alive. I found it hard to maintain a healthy balance.
I ultimately learned that I simply had to shut the laptop and phone down at a certain point, and learned that it didn’t matter whether I worked 12 hours or 16 hours. Those 4 dedicated hours with the family in the evening were essential, since the whole purpose of the business was so that I could take care of those people. If I lost them in the process, what really was the point?
This totally rings true for me. I’ve had the same experience. You can put every single hour of the day into your own business, still feel behind, and still feel more is needed. And the more you do, the more you feel needs to be done. Balance is really hard, but like Eric says, you have to call quittin’ time at a reasonable time of day and have a life! Business shouldn’t BE your life. It can be an important part, but not all of it.
Your boyfriend needs you right now. If you are of the mind that you don’t “need” a man to fulfil you as a woman then you can be every bit the person you are without seeing your boyfriend “that” much. Live your own life and if he can’t or won’t meet you at the cross-roads of love and intimacy, then it’s time to let him go to do what he needs to do, with compassion and kindness.
Have you asked him how you can support him in the business? What does he need? Have you had that conversation with him yet? He may not even be able to tell you because the whole shebang is just too overwhelming and he needs EVERYTHING right now! Money, Love, Aloneness, Togetherness aside, being in business is mostly about Time more than anything else in my experience. And by the time you have a spare piece of it – aka Time – you’re absolutely knackered and can barely think straight about anyone else let alone your adoring partner! Sad that may sound.
If you can’t actually participate in this vision and dream together, then find out how you can be his cheerleader from the back stalls and let go of any self-absorption that your needs are not being met by him! Go meet your own needs your way and be kind and thoughtful and supportive for your partner too.
I was far too self absorbed in the early years of my former marriage and didn’t understand just how my attitude and selfishness set in train the gradual decline of that relationship. My ex husband was setting up a new business in extremely difficult economic times. I was aghast at how obsessive he was – working 14 hour days – then falling asleep in front of the tv with nary a word on “How was your day my darling?”. I look back and think that perhaps I was more in the wrong than I have cared to admit. He needed my support and much of what I gave him was contempt and loathing for the time he was spending “away” from me! Selfishness if ever there was eh?
When it was my turn to “need” him to support me, he wasn’t there! I had taught him that lesson too.
So yes. Know what you need and work on living your life, and communicating with your partner in the most loving and supportive way you can.
I’m sorry, but everyone here is being way too easy on the boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like he’s supportive of her or there for her in any meaningful way– why is she expected to do all the supporting and understanding? To me, it sounds like this relationship is already over, he just doesn’t know it yet– or is hiding behind work because he’s afraid to admit it.