Alex Barnett doesn’t think he can handle another school snow day and he blames climate change.
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As you know, (unless you are one of those who insists they are not a scientist and thus cannot comprehend simple facts such as rising temperature), we are in the midst of life-altering, man-made climate change. How bad is it? Well, put it this way, New York City is considering retro-fitting the Empire State Building and the Freedom Tower with periscopes in anticipation of the day when all of Manhattan is under water.
Having said that, I’m not focused here so much on climate change itself (though it’s a real problem). No instead, I’m focused more on one of the consequences of climate change. It turns out that, ironically, one of the effects of climate change is more severe winter weather (not sure why exactly – something about moisture in the air and Mother Nature being pissed off at Heat Miser and Snow Miser).
In any event, climate change is causing more severe winter weather, specifically snowstorms and blizzards so bad they seem like they’re the result of Frozen’s Queen Elsa having a temper tantrum.
And, what happens when we have blizzards like that? Well, for one thing, as was the case in the snowstorm of 2014, the city of Buffalo, New York winds up being buried by 19 million feet of snow. Indeed, that snowstorm was so bad they cancelled football in Buffalo that week.
But, you say, that’s just Buffalo being Buffalo. It is, after all, a city that’s generally known for its snowy conditions, even in Summer.
Not so fast, though. If you live in the Northeast, you know that we just had a “Snowpocalypse 2015.” It was a storm that the Mayor of New York City predicted would be one of the worst of all time since Dinosaurs roamed the Earth (or at least since the last snowstorm that the City had).
Turns out “our Mayor” was a little off in his prediction. (I say “our Mayor” because we citizens of New York collectively voted him into office, because I like the guy, and because I’m also, like the Mayor, a White man married to a Black woman and have a Biracial son, so I feel a connection to the First Family of New York).
Now, it’s easy to sit here and second-guess the Mayor and his team of experts. It’s easy to say, in hindsight, that they overreacted to the impending storm by shuttering the City completely.
I will not second-guess. The man took the information given to him and exercised his judgment with an eye towards public safety. At the time, it seemed like the right idea.
Except.
Except our Mayor (who has kids of his own and should know better) forgot that when you shutter the City and close the schools, it means that those of us who are parents are going to be stuck at home with our kids.
Now, if your kids are teenagers, that’s one thing. They put on their headphones and listen to music or play video games and basically tune you out.
But, my wife and I don’t have a teenager. We have a 3 year-old son. And, we live together – the 3 of us – in an apartment that’s about the size of a toaster or a shoebox or the Koch Brothers’ hearts (whichever is smallest of those three things). And, thanks to our Mayor, the 3 of us had to spend an entire snow-day together, all day.
For those of you who don’t have kids, or for those of you who have kids who are grown, permit me to explain to you (or to remind you) what it’s like to spend a snow-day cooped up with a 3 year-old in an apartment that’s not quite large enough to fit the entire loaf of bread, jar of peanut bar, and half-gallon of milk that we purchased in order to hunker down for that snow-day.
Actually, rather than describing it, let me illustrate the point another way. Let me explain it by asking a question. Specifically, did you ever notice that they never had a “school’s closed for snow-day” episode of My Three Sons or Father Knows Best or Courtship of Eddie’s Father? And, do you know why they never did? Because had they done such an episode, it would’ve consisted solely of Fred MacMurray, Robert Young and Bill Bixby doing shots of whiskey, muttering under their breath, and going into the bathroom every 30 minutes to avoid braining someone. That’s why.
I’m serious. Our snow-day officially started at 9 am, when our son would’ve been at daycare had it not been for the snow-day, and by 10:00 am I had to pretend that I was suffering stomach cramps so that I could head to the bathroom and warn my son not to follow me because I thought it was possible that I would lose my mind if I had to play another inning of indoor baseball-golf-polo-jai-alai interspersed with breaks every 4 seconds to watch a video medley of Curious George, Sponge Bob, Daniel Tiger, and Octonauts and to observe as our son managed to get cookie crumbs under the couch even while jumping up and down on the couch (which actually seems to defy the laws of physics).
Oh, and by the way, sonny-boy’s usual midday nap? Well, that went out the window because he was too amped-up on being home from school and spending all day with mommy and daddy. So, instead of having a small respite around noon or 1 pm to maybe take a nap myself or eat lunch or just take a deep breath and do a yoga pose or two to just calm the F**k down, I had to keep going because every time I even flagged for a moment, my little Energizer Bunny on steroids looked at me with an expression on his face as if to say “Rest? And, you call yourself a patriotic American?” It was so exhausting, I found myself daydreaming and fantasizing about going back to work, as if work was a Hawaiian vacation.
So, again, climate change is a big problem. Why? Is it because the planet’s melting, because food and drinkable water are becoming scarcer, and because whole species are going extinct at an alarming rate? Yeah, sure, I guess those things are important. But, honestly, the real reason it matters is because climate change causes snow-days, and I’m telling you here and now, I’m not sure how many more of those I can make it through in one piece.
Photo: Table4Five/Flickr