After relationship trauma, some people shut down love. Ross Rosenberg outlines 10 steps for finding love that is vulnerable but also healthy and safe.
___
Codependency Anorexia occurs when a codependent surrenders to their life-long relationship pattern to destructive pathological narcissists. I define codependency as an individual psychopathology that manifests within relationships. The codependent habitually finds themselves in relationships with pathological narcissists, with whom they give the lion’s share of love, respect and care (LRC), while being denied the same. Although they are consistently on the short end of the receiving stick, they stay in the relationship because they are both afraid of being alone and believe that if given enough time, they will be able to change or control the narcissist’s selfishness and entitlement.
Codependency Anorexia occurs when they hit bottom and can no longer bear the pain and the harm meted out to them from their malevolent pathological narcissists. It is paradoxical in a sense, as it occurs during a moment of clarity, when the codependent realizes that they are completely powerless to stop their attraction to lovers who, in the beginning, feel so right, but shortly thereafter, hurt them so badly. In an effort to protect themselves from the long line of “soul mates,” who unexpectedly convert to “cellmates,” they flip their vulnerability switch to “off,” which results in a complete shutdown of their emotional, relational, and sexual machinery.
Although their intention is to avoid getting pummeled again by the next narcissist, they unknowingly insulate themselves from the very human experience of intimate romantic love.
|
This defense mechanism serves to protect codependents from the cascade of resulting consequences of their debilitating codependent love choices. Although their intention is to avoid getting pummeled again by the next narcissist, they unknowingly insulate themselves from the very human experience of intimate romantic love. By denying their human need to connect and love passionately, they are, in a sense, artificially neutralizing The Human Magnet Syndrome. Or in other words, they are removing themselves from any possibility of close romantic love, healthy or not.
To maintain their codependent anorexia, codependents ultimately have to divorce themselves from their emotional and sexual selves. As a result, they “starve” themselves from the very human need to connect romantically, intimately, and sexually. Such deprivation often leads to long-term mental and relational health problems.
In the codependent anorexic state, the codependent is hypervigilant of any person or situation that would lead to a potentially harmful and dangerous intimate relationship. They often over compensate in social situations to avoid either showing interest in someone else or accidentally reacting to someone else overtures. To that end, they also deprive themselves of everyday social events, in order to not accidentally bump against a vulnerable or threatening situation or person. And if a person or event does threaten the codependency anorexic barrier, a shock of extreme anxiety uncomfortably steer them back onto their self-depriving but safe course.
At the end of the day, they are not hurt by another pathological narcissist. But, they also live their life in a barren desert of loneliness and fear.
|
The anorexic codependent is unable to recognize that their disconnection or disassociation from their vulnerable relational and sexual self is harmful, if not debilitating. Notwithstanding, they continue the path of intimacy deprivation so that they are able to maintain their distorted and deluded sense of power and control over real and invisible threats. At the end of the day, they are not hurt by another pathological narcissist. But, they also live their life in a barren desert of loneliness and fear.
♦◊♦
So what is the codependent anorexic supposed to do? The moment of decision is best summarized in Anaïs Nin’s famous saying, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” The following is a list of 10 must do’s if one is suffering from Codependency Anorexia.
- Get evaluated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), as the mistreatment from pathological narcissists may have caused this disorder.
- Get into therapy with a practitioner who is experienced and successful in treating codependency, PTSD, and who understands the Human Magnet Syndrome.
- Actively participate in Codependency Anonymous (CODA.org).
- Stop or curtail any substance abuse, especially if it is self-medicating in nature.
- Start talking about your loneliness and fear of getting hurt with safe friends or family, therapists, and/or recovery group peers.
- Expand platonic relationships by subtly and progressively sharing more intimate or personal information about yourself.
- Participate in group activities that have no fix-up agenda.
- Practice being courageous and vulnerable: disclose to a safe friend that you have Codependency Anorexia.
- Practice or rehearse a conversation during which you disclose to a potential romantic interest that you are frightened of getting hurt and need to go very slowly in the relationship.
- DO NOT use Internet dating sites, even if you feel ready to do so.
Originally published on humanmagnetsyndrome.com.
Photo—Guian Bolisay/Flickr
Ross Rosenberg is the author of The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love the People Who Hurt Us.
Forgive me but I think it’s very pretentious of RR to take it upon himself to coin new terms surrounding codependency. Love deficit disorder? Codependent anorexia? Human Magnet Syndrome. I’m not sure he is qualified to name disorders and syndromes all by himself. I think we have enough to sort out without added labels that serve to slot us into one more catagory/box. We are complicated people and we don’t need more complications. Keep is simple Mr Rosenberg and get off of your high horse.
Or as it is known among men, MGTOW (men going their own way). A growing movement of disillusioned men who are foregoing relationships as the risks to them, should their relationships sour, are now too great. Family courts that are less than friendly to fathers. As well, mens’ worth in society has slowly diminished over the past few generations. Men who have, or have seen someone close to them, go through the winger are becoming increasingly gun-shy. And unlike the feminist movement that was vocal & made gains, men are less noticeably retreating as they quietly walk away from the… Read more »
It’s sad when people of either gender give up instead of recognizing that we can learn and grow in our relational abilities and recognize other potential partners who are willing to do the same. Healing and peace for all…
Thank you so much for writing this article. It’s comforting to know that how I’ve been living isn’t how life has to be or is meant to be. I’ve slowly come to the realization that I have what you call “Codependency Anorexia” (is that the real term for it?), and going down the path to recovery without help from a medical professional hasn’t been especially smooth.
At the very least, now I have a name for it and the knowledge that I’m not alone in this struggle.
No, it’s not the”real” term for it. He just make this shit up.
Authors are often guilty of stringing words and phrases together in ways that express their ideas. It sounds similar, but not identical, to a concept called intimacy anorexia. It doesn’t have to be in the DSM to be useful to those who relate to it in any degree.