Coming Out as Genderqueer at the Age of 50

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  1. misty christy says:

    you can blame society, your parents, your church, etc., but at some point you have to put on your big boy pants and own your own shit. i got to find out on my own, that my husband was a bisexual transvestite. when i did, in that moment, he became the enemy. he had lied to me for 5 years about who he was, what his values were and where he had been. he was a liar. the moment is burned into my brain and that is who he is to me FOREVER. we do not speak, and in fact i have a restraining order against him, even though we have 3 children together. he will never be welcome in my home and i will not attend events that he attends; forever. this is because is cannot be trusted. if you can lie about who you are like this, to your wife & mother of your children, there is nothing of honor in you.

    had he come to me and said, “i’ve been fighting this for years, but i have to be who i am now.” i would have been angry and i would have hated him; for a time. but i would have gotten over it and we could have become friends. even his attacking me in front of the kids; i eventually chalked up to emotion from losing the custody fight. a lie is a 1,000 times worse than the truth; no matter how bad the truth is.

    • I’m sorry but what? You have a restraining order against him because he hid his gender identity and sexual orientation from you?

    • Saying you treated someone poorly for reveling their truth “too late” seems too me like an excuse for just hating that he could hide his identity from you for 5 years. Perhaps a little introspection is in order? Not just for you but your kids, no mater how atypical my father was I would hate my mother if she took him away from me just because she claimed she was “angry” and “hated” him.

    • Are you SURE this is simply about you being mad about him “hiding” it from you, or are there deeper transphobic issues coming into play?? I mean, come on… The guy ‘hid’ it from you… BECAUSE HE WAS PROBABLY AFRAID OF HOW YOU’D REACT IF YOU FOUND OUT! Lots of people crossdress but don’t tell EVERYONE they know about it, esp. if they KNOW some people look down upon it. It’s not like he was saying, “You don’t deserve to know this side of me. I’m gonna deliberately hide it from you.” You even said in the latter portion of this message that, although you’d “get over” your initial anger in time, you’d ONLY BE FRIENDS thereafter! So you wouldn’t accept his lifestyle either way! What point would he have telling you if it’d ruin the marriage either way?

      And who says EVERYONE has to tell EVERYONE ELSE THEY KNOW their deepest, ‘darkest’ desires? Aren’t we allowed, as humans, to have SOME SECRETS? Who does it hurt for him to be a bisexual transvestite? Are you implying that he CHEATED ON YOU AND DID THINGS WITH GUYS, or are you more angry about the fact that he crossdressed? If it’s the former, I suppose I can forgive you for being angry, but if it’s the latter, you don’t have much sympathy from me.

  2. also, not cool that you would even consider giving him grief about his truth

  3. misty christy says:

    the restraining order is from when he tried to kill me, in front of the kids. he lost the custody fight because he was abusive (threw the kids across the room, hit, punched & kicked them). i did not take them away; i rescued all of us. he stole 15 years of my life (not 5, that was a typo). when i discovered who he really was he showed me more; in the form of abuse toward me and our children. our children hate and fear him. one has an anxiety disorder from the abuse she has suffered at his hands (court ordered visitation). he is a horrible person.

    i’m not at all concerned with being seen as “cool” by anyone on a blog. my interest is my children and their well being, and my own safety. no surprise that men would circle the wagons to protect one of their own; sickening, but expected.

  4. Abuse is a different from being transgender. Male, female, neither or both I DO NOT condone abuse against any innocent person. In your original post you neglected to tell of the details of the degree of abuse, from your original post it seemed like maybe shouting or maybe him hitting you (not at all appropriate or acceptable in any way.) But forgivable, you seem to imply that being transgender is the reason for his actions and transgender people are all like that so you didn’t need to explain his awful unforgivable abuse. (I’m not saying you meant that but that was what mine and presume heather’s opinion was based on)

    Also please don’t cast me as the evil man in your story, because I am not a man and I did not have all the facts.

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