Rick Belden reflects on the lack of male leadership in his life and what he is doing to change that for the upcoming generation.
I’ve been thinking recently about the deficiency of appropriate, effective male mentoring in my life and how it’s affected me. I’m 52 and it’s still affecting me, just as it’s affected me at every stage of my life. There’s a huge hole in my life where my father should have been (and still should be), but as big as that hole is, it’s merely the center of a much larger hole, the product of a male culture that is woefully inadequate to meet the true needs of men and boys.
I’ve managed, during the course of my life, to get some of the mentoring I needed from older males in bits and pieces, here and there. I had two or three good male teachers in grade school and high school. There were uncles who helped me out at a few very critical points during my childhood and teen years. My father and his father taught me about building and fixing things and going to work every day. That was better than nothing. But there’s a lot more to being a man than that.
The majority of the mentoring I’ve received in my life came from an older male therapist I saw for several years who helped me learn to work with my dreams. I suppose I could say that I’ve also received some “virtual” mentoring from older males, mostly authors and musicians, whose work I’ve followed, appreciated, and admired without ever meeting them in person, and whose examples have inspired, taught, or initiated me in some fashion. Robert Bly spoke about this sort of in absentia mentoring (in his case it was Yeats) with Bill Moyers in the documentary A Gathering of Men over twenty years ago.
Of course, mentoring for hire and virtual mentoring are not the same, not by a long shot, as what I needed and ideally would have received from a community of elder men who knew me, cared about me, encouraged my development, and spent time with me in person on a regular basis.
I don’t know how that experience can be replaced or recovered once those men are gone, if they were ever there. I think several generations of men are trying to figure that out right now. I also think that a recognition of what we, as boys and young men, needed and didn’t get, and a coming to terms with the powerful feelings of anger, grief, loneliness, betrayal, disorientation, and disappointment that may accompany that awareness, is a good place to start.
I’ve come to feel that part of that process of healing and restoration, at least for me, has to do with finding ways to give younger males whatever mentoring, encouragement, and assistance I can. I’ve recently begun to realize that, in spite of the fact that I still feel incomplete, confused, and inadequate at age 52, I actually have something of value to offer younger men, and furthermore, that they see me as having something of value to offer them.
This realization came as a bit of a shock to me at first, but as I’ve begun to see the truth of it and operate more out of that understanding, I’ve also begun to see that offering younger men what I did not receive myself, as contradictory as it may sound, is another way for me to address that hole in myself that I referenced above.
The generation of men that preceded mine failed me and the men of my generation in many ways, as they themselves were failed by the generation that preceded them, and so on back through the decades. Maybe those of us who have felt those failures so acutely, and suffered for them as a result, can find some ways to bridge the gap between the men who preceded us and those who follow, and thereby receive some portion of what we were not given by giving it to others.
Photo credit: Flickr / puresolitude
About Rick Belden
Thanks for posting that. My church has a mentoring/coming of age program and I’ve often thought, “Where was this mentoring craze when I was growing up?”
I certainly hope it isn’t a craze. I share your sense of lacking elders and leadership. My father and stepfather were booze-addled at key times. Men at the time were joking and avuncular, but distant. My uncles were geographically distant. Male teachers were few and far between, and I habitually cut school anyway.
Entering the working world put me in contact with some helpful male guide figures. Being a musician certainly helped me make some connections within that craft – it’s an art form with a spiritual dimension for many people, I might add.
Joining a spiritual community or discipline can be good.
In terms of giving back, I focus on my young sons first, but I also try to be there for my friends and since I work with a lot of younger guys, I consciously try to model good behavior in the workplace. Perhaps mentoring boys in the community through a non-profit or religious organization would be a good fit, in the future.
My father was around, but was emotionally unavailable largely because of the way *he* was raised. Instead, my need for mentoring collapsed into some incredibly unhealthy hero-worship.
I’m scared I’ll be unavailable for my kids, too. It’s one reason why I’m in therapy.
Thanks for writing this.
This is much needed. Thank you for writing this. Do you have a concrete plan for doing this on a wider scale?
I’ve no plan at this point, nor am I at the forefront of any organization or movement. I’m just one guy who’s starting to realize he has something to offer and trying to do what he can when opportunities arise. However, there are numerous individuals and organizations out there doing work in this arena that may interest you. If you google on “Initiation rites for boys MasculinityMovies.com” the first item that comes up should be a link to a list of resources to get you started. Earl Hipp, who’s posted a couple of comments on this thread, would also be an excellent contact for you as he works directly in the area of mentorship for boys and young men.
As someone who grew up without any mentoring or adult male in my life, I have to say that it is probably far too late. I developed a rugged self-sufficiency that almost entirely prevents me from engaging in student/mentor relationships. It feels incredibly awkward and makes me feel inferior. A sort of “I needed help then, I asked and did not get it” but I’m a man now so it is too late to be of any use to me. The key is helping boys when they’re young, when they actually are seeking help because they aren’t okay, and not waiting until they’re adults and the damage has already been done.
Not buying it Collin. Sounds to me like fear of being let down again…hurt once not going get hurt again. I think that sad coat of armor keeps you from the good and supportive men, and elders who could be there for you. Most sadly, the amazing gifts I know you posses that could enhance a young male’s life will be lost to the next generation of men. ALL men, even angry, lonely, self-sufficient men have something to offer young males, especially the angry, lonely, self-sufficient young males.
Maybe maybe not, but I have had more than my share of having the rug pulled out from under me. In fact, it happened with every single adult male relationship. The worst were the ones who, to my face, told me they’d be there at my father’s funeral, but then overtly and vocally told me they simply didn’t have the time to actually follow through on said promises. I’ve done an excellent job without ANY help from anyone. I made it through true nightmares without anyone to back me up, and I don’t see how pretending I am less than someone else now just to get a bit of knowledge will help. You can learn anything and everything thanks to the internet. It taught me how to shave and tie a tie, and it will enable me to teach myself anything else I wish to know.
I tried to join the Big Brother progam, but they didn’t accept me. I don’t know if it is because I’m 23 or because I didn’t go to college, but I tried to join as a big brother and they told me no. My gifts won’t be lost on a generation, but I will use them to provide the largest impact possible.
It has been my experience that no one will be there for you but yourself. There is one and only one person in the world you can count on and that’s yourself.
Dam Colin, sounds hard, sad, brutal even. However, in your comments I can hear personal strength and resolve, admirable traits if put to good use. I also hear anger, grief, frustration, and a tendency for isolation. You’re right, hard to learn how to get through all that using Google and the net. I do like that you tried to join Big Brother too. Shows a heart beating for boys and a call to a kind of service that has something (give back) in it for you. No matter you weren’t accepted, it’s your intention that counts. And if you hold on to that, the universe will provide other ways to give it expression.
On the Rite of Passage Weekends we do for young guys, there is an activity we call A Man’s Journey. It’s a maze of sorts made up of a very long rope that winds around trees in a small forest. The boys are blindfolded, put in the maze and told the following: You are in a maze and there is only one way out. If you get stuck and need support, raise your hand and someone will help you.” What to boys don’t know is the maze is an endless loop, complete with dead ends, switchbacks, and leading back on itself. In fact, the only way out IS to raise your hand and ask for support. We do that to teach emerging men that going it alone, not trusting others to be there for you, and being heroic in trying to solve the unsolvable, is the hardest, least effective, and most tragic approach a man can take. It always leads to wonderful discussions between all the males involved.
I hope you learn how to “raise your hand.”
Blessings
I don’t even know how to associate with men, to be honest. I have more female friends than male friends, I have a female therapist (didn’t want a male) and I can’t talk to men about anything of import. It feels kind of weird and, to be honest, gay to have an actual relationship with any man. Surface friendships, completely fine. An authentic relationship… it seems so awkward, strange, and corny. You talk about your “Rite of Passage” weekends, and the whole thing sounds… corny. Men and teens getting together and bonding, sharing emotions, etc. Probably because there wasn’t any relationship with an older male since the age of 9 or so, and I don’t want to feel like a 9 year old again by establishing that sort of mentor/student father/son type relationship. I’m not 9; I’m 23.
I’d probably in that maze forever, haha. I don’t ask for help from anyone for anything ever. The harder things get, the more resolute I am to surmount the obstacle on my own. After a while, I’d probably figure out that there was no way out after reducing all possibilities to zero and shout that the game is rigged and that there’s no route out of the maze.
There is always a way out.
Good luck Colin.
Collin, I’ve been observing your dialog with Earl over the last several days and have been thinking about it a lot. What’s been particularly interesting to me is that I can relate to both points of view in many ways from my own experience.
At my age, with many years under my belt, I know that the philosophy and approach expressed by Earl holds the most truth for me. I know that we need one another and that the “I can do it all myself without any help” belief system and life strategy always fails sooner or later. In reality, it often fails repeatedly, in ways both large and small, for a long time before the cost of those failures is fully evident.
On the other hand, I remember what it was like to be 23, trying to make my way in the adult world unprepared and lacking much of the fundamental knowledge and assistance I needed to handle the basics, much less excel and succeed, because I hadn’t been taught or shown and had no one to fall back on. I had to do a lot and learn a lot on my own, and that experience was not without value for me. A young man does have to learn to stand on his own because inevitably there’ll be times throughout his life when he’ll have to know he can rely on himself. However, as with just about anything taken to an extreme, over-reliance on oneself and unwillingness or inability to trust others is an unbalanced approach that will eventually fail.
I’m sure, Collin, that you’ve come by your decision to go it alone with good reason. I’ve been betrayed plenty myself and I know how wounding it can be. I’ve also learned, and this has been reinforced many times, that those moments when I feel the most urgent need to withdraw and “go it alone” are often (not always, but often) the times when I most need to take the risk of putting myself out there and trying to get some help and support. I don’t always get it. I don’t think anyone does. But more often than not, it’s the right thing for me to do anyway, even if I don’t get everything I was hoping for.
You’re obviously a sharp, self-aware guy and you’ll know when it’s time to try a different approach. I think you’ll find, as your life progresses, that some of the ideas and strategies that have served you through age 23 may begin to wear a bit thin as time goes on. That’s to be expected. We all go through it.
As Friedrich Nietzsche said, “The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die.” We all grow many skins in our lives, for different reasons at different times. We wear them until they no longer serve our needs and when we’ve outgrown them, we cast them off. It’s a natural process with its own life and its own timing, just as your process has its own life and its own timing. I trust that and I trust that you will do what is right for you in the right time.
In my case, I hit the wall just before age 30. My life hadn’t been working for a long time but it finally became unbearable enough for me to try something different. It was during that time that I had my first experience as a member of a men’s group and it completely blew up all my preconceptions about authentic experience and emotional sharing with other men. Like you, I thought it would be weird and unnatural, and at first, it was, but that didn’t last long. What’s felt weird and unnatural to me since then is our cultural status quo as men: the mistrust, the shallowness, and the guarded postures we are so used to taking with one another. So I understand your point of view, but I also know it’s quite possible for that point of view to change under the right circumstances, if and when you’re ready.
I know this is a very long comment. If you’ve read this far, you have stamina! I just thought that you deserved the best reply I could offer. I hope you’ve found something of what I’ve said useful in some way.
I definitely made it all the way through, but I took offense to the assertion that
“[I'm] trying to make my way in the adult world unprepared and lacking much of the fundamental knowledge and assistance I needed to handle the basics, much less excel and succeed, because I hadn’t been taught or shown and had no one to fall back on.”
It is true that I am below my potential, but I am doing far better than almost everyone, including those who had all the advantages imaginable growing up. The truth is that I am on the cusp of immense wealth and success, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let someone else take any credit for all the hard work I’ve done on my own. There were times in the past when I truly needed help and didn’t get it, but on the eve of my ascension, I will NOT go out and let someone else take credit for my extraordinary accomplishments. The IPO for stock in me is coming, and I’m not selling on the cheap to some vulture.
Collin,
I intended no offense, nor did I set out to disparage you or diminish your accomplishments in life. I was referring specifically to my own experience at age 23 in the remark you quoted.
I thought, based on some of your prior comments, that there might be some commonalities between my experience at that age and your experience now, but it appears I misread you. If you’re happy with your approach to life and your progress, then of course you have no reason to alter or discontinue the path you’ve chosen.
I wish you well.
I understand that you were referring to your circumstances at 23; however, I also took your wording to project those very same issues onto me. I’ve handled the basics quite well since the age of 10. I wasn’t taught anything, and I learned everything I know about life the hard way. Groping around in the dark for answers, making a fool of myself, and failing miserably, shamefully over and over again until I figured things out. When you’re a child that has to fend for yourself, mistakes can be incredibly costly. You learn to be vigilant when a lapse in attention results in you having no money with which to buy food for a few days resulting in hunger.
From a serious perspective, why would anyone seek “mentoring” or anything like that after having survived the hardest parts of life without it? Children are vulnerable and need help, need caring, nee mentoring. Especially those who lose a parent. I was attempts to seek help from adults were rebuffed, and so I soldiered through abuse, neglect, and torment both at school and at home. I supported myself. No one does anything just to help someone else; everyone expects something in return. When I finally reach my potential, people will ask me — as they always ask anyone successful — who helped them become the person they are today. I will be able to say that it was me and me alone, as I had no one in my corner but myself. It was one boy, one adolescent, and now one man against the world.
Happy? No, I don’t even remember what happy feels like. I haven’t been happy since the days when I could count to my age on my hands. Stoic. Resolute. Determined. These are words that describe me. I doubt that I will ever be “happy.” Life is war. Perhaps someday I will be able to enjoy life, but I doubt that “happy” or “content” will ever be possible.
I will succeed because I must. I will succeed because everyone has done everything in their power to ruin me. I will succeed because where anyone else would have died I survived.
A person who is in their fifties can still learn things from people in their seventies.
I understand the armor concept though. I took to my stepfather at first, but over time I realized he was a drunk and an untrustworthy manipulator. I was mad at him and mad at my mother for allowing him into our lives. A good way to cope with betrayal is to not trust everybody that comes along. To this day, I have very little truck with the hippieish “love the one you’re with” mentality. The same caution must exist among people whose trust was abused by putative elders such as clergy, coaches, scouting leaders, and so on.
At the risk of sounding like I’m “divorce shaming”, I think the divorce boom exacerbated the problem in my case (my parents divorced in ’72). Fathers (and mothers) certainly abandoned their families before that, but the standard visit on every other weekend arrangement was not helpful in a lot of cases.
I more or less experience the same process Rick. It took me a very long time to decide whether or not I wanted to become a father. My picture of what a father is, turned out to be distorted and disfunctional. I actually hated this picture so much, that I froze whenever somebody asked me about it.
I am a father now for four years and I am doing a far better job than I ever expected to do. I am not doing perfect, that’s for sure. But the thing is that If I had the father that I am now, my childhood would have been much happier. The child within that I carry with me, knows this, feels it. It dares to play, to sing, dance and dream up funny stories when my daughter asks me to. There is still fear for punishment, for being shamed, ignored and abandoned, but its not ruining my life.
Rick, thanks for sharing this and for hanging in there despite insufficient of male influence and role models in your early years. I understand, too, that as we get older such role models continue to forge a path that we can follow. So, it doesn’t end at the beginning of adulthood.
I was blessed to come from a community where men were present and engaged with us, especially my own father and grandfather. This despite my father and especially grandfather’s generation of men being intentionally discriminated against, held down, and humiliated because of their (our) race. Thankfully, they chose to do their best to care for their families as the world gradually woke up to realize that such is wrong and unproductive for society at large.
So, my experience has been very different. What I see is a major drop off of the current generation, going back 3 decades or so, where divorce and single parent households with fathers living elsewhere has become the norm – leaving more boys than ever without a perpetually present father.
My approach is to help young men AND young women in my mentoring/counseling work to become decent, wise, principled, caring, spiritual, non-self-centered, giving human beings – who have a sense of the value of other people and appreciation for the importance of family cohesiveness. Part of this so that, should choose to get married and bear children, they will know that it must be a life-long union, for the benefit of themselves and especially their sons and daughters.
I encourage/instruct them to marry wisely and reluctantly (make ~100% certain that they know that this is the person they want to spend forever with), to take divorce off the table as an option to solve problems, to have children wisely and reluctantly, but once they do, to give their children all of the love, attention, and discipline they can – to have the impact on their lives that you feel were missing in yours. I work with families with children today as well, and have helped quite a few couples with children to work out their problems rather than separate, leaving the kids without a full time father (or mother)
I realize that this is a different approach than a mentoring of just boys approach one but one that I believe will have a more organic, longer term impact.
Many good comments here. Thank you all for reading and sharing your responses to this post.
I greatly admire those of you who are fathers for actively and consciously addressing your fears and anxieties about replicating the poor parenting your received. So many parents (fathers and mothers alike) are unwilling to do that, and the result is that much damage is needlessly passed from one generation to the next.
I made a vow to myself when I was very young that I would never pass on the experience I was having to another child, no matter what. As it turned out, I’ve never had children, so in that way my promise to myself was kept. But I can still appreciate and respect those of you who’ve taken what is perhaps the more difficult path of facing (and transcending) the inadequacies of how you were fathered by walking the path of fatherhood yourself.