–
Daniel Dowling used to think women were too emotional. Then he learned how to talk to them. And everything changed.
___
Honey, I didn’t mean that. No, no no, you’ve got me all wrong—it’s like THIS. Hold on a sec. Wait. Come back and let me explain. No, I really do love you. Babe, wait. Babe, wait! Babe. Babe! Babe, no. Babe, no! WAIIIIIT!
If you’ve ever had a girlfriend or spouse, you can probably relate to that monologue, because … well, because women can be wildly mutable. One second you can do no wrong, but the next, everything that you’ve ever said or done has been a cruel scheme to make her life miserable. Women’s emotional swings can be like a thunderclap—Hot, cold, then BOOM.
I used to get so frustrated with my girlfriends that I started grinding my teeth at night.
|
Many guys take this as a sign that all women are crazy and that they’ll never understand him like his bros. I used to be among them. I used to get so frustrated with my girlfriends that I started grinding my teeth at night. But then I started to learn a bit about women. I started to explore the reasons for our difference and ways to grow through them. I began to place more importance on how I responded to women than how strangely they’d act. Then I overcame my ignorance and discovered that the emotional difference between men and women is a built-in mechanism to help us grow closer together. As a bonus, I no longer have to wear a mouthguard at night.
Basic Differences
Women and men are different. This may come as a shock in the age of gender confusion, but we are night and day different. Men have up to thirty times more circulating testosterone than women. Even a twofold difference would be extreme, but thirtyfold? This hormone changes our physiology, our brain structure, our behaviors, and our responses to the same things.
Because women have such dramatically lower levels of testosterone, their chemical composition is different from men’s. Because of this difference, women rely more on the chemicals oxytocin and dopamine to maintain their mood. Oxytocin is known as the love chemical. It is produced during intimate encounters, during cute experiences, and during bonding. One of the most dramatic oxytocin responses is when a woman holds sees and holds a baby. Though men certainly bond with their babies, they do not have exactly the same chemical response, because we are biologically different. The difference in testosterone levels causes men to have different behavior patterns. Men don’t rely on ramping up oxytocin to maintain their moods, so women’s behavior can seem odd at best and batshit crazy at worst.
So how does a smart guy like you deal with the mood swings? I used to respond childishly. I would counter an emotional response with an even more exaggerated attack, and before I knew it I’d be embroiled in a full-on battle.
“You always…! I can’t believe this!!! Ughh..You don’t ever treat me right! What?!?! RAAAAARGH!!!!” Sound familiar? It sounds funny looking back, but it isn’t funny when that rage becomes a hallmark of your relationship; it’s a relationship killer.
Since you can’t eliminate a woman’s mood swings—or anyone’s for that matter–I’ve got some tips to help you defuse the volatility and become more responsive to your woman’s emotional needs. Learn these, and you’ll find you’re suddenly making her—and yourself—very, very happy.
1. Step to the Balcony
I’ve borrowed this phrase from William Ury, founder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation. Stepping to the balcony means taking a breath and zooming out. When you are in the thick of an argument it can be hard to remember what you stand for and what is important. When you remind yourself to step to the balcony, you give yourself some mental space to be present and clear about your intentions.
Most often women’s emotional displays will be attempts to connect more deeply with you, no matter how offensive they seem.
|
While on the balcony, it’s good to give yourself a mini pep talk. You’re a good guy, not Hitler or Stalin. You know you’re a good guy, so you don’t have to prove that by begging your spouse to see that. Your actions should speak for themselves. If someone isn’t valuing you or appreciating you as much as you think they should in any given moment, then that is their problem. But most often women’s emotional displays will be attempts to connect more deeply with you, no matter how offensive they seem.
While on the balcony, remind yourself of the differences between men and women. You can maintain a mostly even mood like a champ without many inputs; you’re a testosterone-y specimen of a man. Your spouse or girlfriend is not like you. Their moods are prone to change because of their chemical composition, and their reaction might have precisely nothing to do with you for this reason. So don’t worry. Don’t take emotional flurries too personally. Acknowledge the importance of your partner’s feelings and determine how they connect to her needs, and remind yourself that what she really wants to connect with you.
When women get what men call “emotional,” they don’t need suggestions, they don’t need unsolicited advice, they don’t need counterattacks; they just need to express their emotions and for you to empathize.
|
Remember oxytocin? When women talk about their feelings, they automatically get a boost in oxytocin, which is what they need to level out. If you can be strong and endure the emotional turbulence without provoking unnecessary conflict, her mood will bounce back in no time flat. She needs you to listen so she can get back to center. When women get what men call “emotional,” they don’t need suggestions, they don’t need unsolicited advice, they don’t need counterattacks; they just need to express their emotions and for you to empathize.
When a woman sees you standing strong in support of her without succumbing to a trifling argument, she’ll notice. She’ll see that your self worth is not something that words can change. She’ll see that you’re a solid man capable of loving a woman no matter the circumstance. In case I needed to tell you, this is a big turn on. If your sex life is suffering, the first place to look is your communication. Does it foster intimacy? Does it make you feel more connected to your partner? If old people can have steamy sex lives with wrinkled bodies, saggy bits, and liver spots, then I’d say sexual satisfaction has more to do with intimate connection and communication.
2. Speak Her Language
You can boost your ability to defuse an intense emotional outburst by learning more about her language. Is she a visual, auditory, or kinesthetic kind of woman? Most people have a primary way of viewing the world that determines what they do and how they respond to things. If you can determine the language your lover speaks, you’ll be able to lover her better.
I’m an auditory kind of person, which means my world is painted with eighth notes and time signatures. If I were your woman, I’d need for you to hear me. If I said, “John you just don’t understand,” a good response might be; “I can hear your frustration, babe. Tell me a little more about it.”
If your woman is a visual person, the first response she has to anything will be sight-based. If she expresses how much you aren’t getting it, a good response would be: “I see what you mean. Show me a little bit more about your perspective.”
Kinesthetic women are based in the sense of touch. Her superpower is feeling the shit out of things. A caring response to your kinesthetic wonderwoman would be: “I feel you hon. Help me understand more about what you are going through.”
These are all cheesy stock photo responses that probably won’t work if you use them as crutches. Your wife will ask, “Did you just read Dan Dowling’s article on emotional flurries? You’re such a dick!” I’m totally kidding, I just like to make myself laugh. But really, get creative. Get down and dirty in her world and aspire to speak her special language better than any other person on the world. This is where relationships become an art—the better you get at deciphering your partner’s language, the more in love you will fall. This is the stuff that “happily ever after” is made of.
This is where relationships become an art—the better you get at deciphering your partner’s language, the more in love you will fall. This is the stuff that “happily ever after” is made of.
|
Paying close attention to your partner’s language will build the sensitivity and empathy that women swoon for. When other women see how you interact with your girlfriend or wife in public, they’ll think, “I want what she’s having.” But you won’t care, because the more you discover about your partner through her special language, the more you’ll want to discover about her. Women are treasures.
From the balcony you will be present. From the balcony you will have infinite access to all the knowledge you will need in handling a hot woman gone cold. From the balcony, you don’t have an ego to defend. When you are present, you’ll have no desire to defend yourself from attacks that really aren’t about you, because you’ll look to understand the needs that are behind her words. (To learn more about being present in a relationship, click here.) So once you are present and speaking her language, you are ready for the next step. To be able to shift the way you communicate when your partner is “emotional”, there is a giant prerequisite that will make your relationships brighter and richer:
3. Fulfill Thy Self
One major reason why men fall into a pattern of escalating conflict with their female partners is this: they lack self fulfillment. Guys who aren’t content with themselves will usually enter relationships to feel a sense of fulfillment. Under that circumstance, all of the power to make or brake a relationship lies outside of the man, and that isn’t fair to women, because relationships are made to be equal.
I used to date women because they made me feel good. So strange, I know!
That may sound wry or snarky, so allow me to explain. I was not content to be alone, because I hadn’t built up a relationship with myself; I lacked inner fulfillment. In any relationship, two major forms of currency are faith and respect. I didn’t value myself, and I didn’t respect myself enough to have faith in my ability to make me happy. So I relied on women to make me happy, and it worked out predictably … and unfavorably.
If you aren’t grounded in your inherent worth, you’ll be blown off course during emotional storms. You’ll say things you wish you wouldn’t have said, you’ll instigate more emotional responses from your partner and have an escalating conflict on your hands.
|
So here is the tip: Always know your intrinsic value, and remind yourself of it on the balcony. If you aren’t grounded in your inherent worth, you’ll be blown off course during emotional storms. You’ll say things you wish you wouldn’t have said, you’ll instigate more emotional responses from your partner and have an escalating conflict on your hands. We’ve all been there and it ain’t pretty, but you can do something about it.
Next: “When it comes to pick up lines…”
[ 1 | 2 ]
“Always know your intrinsic value… ” What a crock, who actually knows this: “Illusions of grandeur”, “I’m Mr. Studly”, yada yada. Noone knows their true intrinsic value.
Great article, and I totally agree.
However, if it’s a common occurrence for your girlfriend to lash out on you in a disrespectful manner, you’d do yourself a big favor to not put up with it and reconsider your choice of woman. Gender is not an excuse for acting in less than respectful manner, and being a woman is no get-out-of-jail-free card for being rude.
I am not sure i understand. In my experience women would go through a conversation with more silence and sadness and men would burn in anger more quickly. Some. Others would disappear in sadness and test me how much i care for them. Is it testosterone? Oxytocin? I don’t know. Is it just being different people responding to different conversations in their own unique way? Perhaps.
Thanks for joining the conversation, Carmen (San Diego?) Women do in deed experience more mood shifts than men, and this is due differences in physiology. When men hit andropause (testosterone flatline) in mid life, the symptoms include irritability and mood swings. Without heavy circulating levels of testosterone, as the article describes, women rely more on oxytocin and dopamine to maintain their moods, which ebb and flow with activity, food intake, and connection. As the article said, men often think women *seem* batshit crazy *at worst*, and then the article goes on to describe in depth how emotional behavior is not… Read more »
In a relationship you absolutely have to learn each other. Each person responds to stress and conflict differently. It has nothing to do with gender. Women don’t experience mood swings more than men necessarily and they aren’t batshit crazy. These concepts are harmful. However, I agree with the underlying concept that to make a relationship work you need communication and maturity and willingness to learn the other person.
Erin- I love your comments and support.
Lol!!! Too funny– I’ll take note of that! And that is what intimacy is all about; the slight, nuanced and internal bearings of a person that can only be ascertained with the utmost care, sensitivity, and sacrifice. I do believe it is a sacrifice (hard work) to get to know the depths of a person, and also the greatest depth and richness of existing. Rare is it found though, in these pornographic cultures.
Daniel – I love your pieces.
I even learned some stuff about myself here. I’m totally auditory. While the “I can hear your frustration…” would be soothing, for me, the “I feel you hun….” would make me want to rip my hair out. Funny how slight word changes do matter.
““You always…! I can’t believe this!!! Ughh..You don’t ever treat me right! What?!?! RAAAAARGH!!!!”
Classic case of immaturity and overblown drama. No, just…no. I have no patience for this and will not tolerate it in any relationship. Since when is it my job to figure out how to translate so-called emotional speak into plain words? Sorry, if a person wants to be understood then they’re going to have to communicate in a way that makes sense.
Mgm- Sounds like you’ve encountered this frustration a time or two before. But this dialogue, like any other, takes two; it does not happen in a vacuum. With two partners who are devoted to cultivating the emotional connection and presence this article offers, toxic “blowups” will be a thing of the past. That said, the blow ups occur because emotions must be moved through one way or another. If a woman has a responsive and attentive man who is keen to her subtle cue, partners can move through emotions together in a beautiful (and erotic) dance that will last a… Read more »
Terrific!!!!
Thank you Jules!