Edgar Ramsey offers a solution to marital jealousy and infidelity.
When I was younger, in my late teens and early twenties, I was pretty normal in the green-eyed department. The thought of my woman just flirting with another man, let alone having sex with him, did not give me warm feelings of joy at her new life experience. No, I got angry, which is the traditional, expected response. I also usually wished the other guy some kind of physical harm. That’s pretty normal, too. How many fights or murders have been caused by a jealous rage over infidelity? Probably too many to count, no doubt why men invented the chastity belt. Of course, it’s not very trusting of men to lock up their women’s private parts. I am sure most men would not like their junk shuttered under lock and key.
Of course, I was no angel when I was younger either. I cheated on my first wife, but not as many times as she cheated on me in retaliation. But who cares about the numbers? We both lied and fooled around behind each others backs. I think betrayal of trust and dishonesty are the ultimate relationship killers. Now at 57, I have no sexual jealousy. I believe compersion is a much better alternative to jealousy. Compersion is being happy for your romantic partner when they’re having a good time: romantically, sexually or both; it’s the exact opposite of jealousy.
So how did I do a complete 180 in my life and get to what I think is a better place? Well, let me pose a question: is monogamy a realistic expectation for a lot of people? I think the statistics say it really isn’t. First let’s look at some non-monogamy statistics:
- In a 1983 study by Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz (American Couples: Money-Work-Sex; Pocket Books 1985), 15 percent of married couples, in a sample of 3,574 couples, had “an understanding that allows non-monogamy under some circumstances,” and 28 percent of cohabitating couples had “an understanding that allows non-monogamy under some circumstances.”
- In a Janus report in 1993 (by Cynthia and Samuel Janus – University of Virginia), with a sample of 1,800 people, 21 percent said they participated in open marriage;
- And in an Oprah.com survey in 2007, which surveyed over 14,000 people, 21 percent stated they were in an open marriage.
These are fairly large surveys; if accurate they would suggest that over 1 out of 5 marriages are considered open by the respondents even if the number of those actively engaged in non-monogamy sex during the year was only about 6%. The key is, they all gave their partners permission to practice non-monogamy. So combine this with statistics on infidelity:
- According to Truth About Deception (www.truthaboutdeception.com): “It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage.”
- Adrian Blow, Associate Professor at Michigan State University (Human Development and Family Studies) writes: “Infidelity studies show that extramarital sex occurs in up to 25% of heterosexual marriages in the USA.”
Again, large numbers, and if accurate, suggest that in at least 1 out of 4 marriages, one or both of the spouses has cheated. And researchers explained that it is difficult to get accurate statistics on infidelity as many people do not want to admit they have cheated, even on an anonymous survey, so they lie. Therefore the real numbers may be even higher than the results measured by the surveys.
Don’t get me wrong; I believe there is nothing wrong with monogamy if that is the preferred choice of a couple. But for the many couples that choose some form of non-monogamy or for those who simply cannot live up to a monogamous lifestyle, which is a better scenario: to be in an open-style marriage—a form of which has been recently called The New Monogamy, where both spouses are always honest with each other about their extra-marital romances and sexual partners and may even ask permission before entering into a new relationship; or be stuck in a traditional marriage where the spouses only pretend to be monogamous while one or both sneak around behind each others backs, keeping their extra-marital encounters a secret?
Frankly, I prefer non-possessiveness, openness and honesty as then there is never a betrayal of trust. I would rather know the truth up front and accept it than be lied to. I love my wife dearly, but her having another man’s penis in her mouth or vagina is something that she should be free to choose for herself and her body. I do not own her. And that thought does make me jealous; I would be happy for her enjoyment and pleasure with another person; it would have nothing to do with the deep love we share together.
I just wish our society, including most religious organizations, would stop pushing monogamy down everyone’s throats and quit trying to portray people who seek out other alternative lifestyles as misguided, weird, kinky, sleazy and perverted sinners, instead of secure, loving, and compassionate people who feel that there is more than enough love in the world to go around and believe in the positive benefits of compersion instead of the fear and anger inherent in jealousy and possessiveness.
Photo: CarbonNYC/Flickr
About Edgar Ramsey
Those who want to indulge in non-monogamous relationship are free to do so. In those relationships, marital infidelity and jealousy do not matter. The problem of marital infidelity and jealousy is an issue for those who have signed for monogamy.
Actually, infidelity can still be a problem in non-monogamous relationships. Infidelity implies dishonesty. Non-monogamy is not synonymous with infidelity. Nor does it mean that jealousy may not become an issue.
Polygamy (non-monogamy) is illegal throughout the Western world. People cannot have more than one spouse at any given time. Therefore, the term non-monogamy in Western context refers to indulging in sexual activity with people other than ones spouse, which is adultery (whether spouse consented or not). The best way for people who want to live a promiscuous lifestyle is to marry somebody as promiscuous like themselves or not at all.
Polygamy and non-monogamy are not synonymous. You can be both polygamous and monogamous at the same time, so one isn’t even a proper subset of the other. The issue of whether or not you are married seems somewhat tangential to the message in this essay. Substitute the word “partner” in for “spouse” or “wife” and the message remains the same.
Also, since it is the couple that defines monogamy, they also define non-monogamy. One couple might consider watching porn to be violating a vow of monogamy. Another might consider having a close emotional relationship to be cheating. Yet another might be cool with their partner making out with someone else, as long as a P doesn’t enter a V.
You say:
“You can be both polygamous and monogamous at the same time, so one isn’t even a proper subset of the other.”
This statement is complete oxymoron. How can someone be both monogamous and polygamous at the same time. You can be either monogamous or polygamous or may be unmarried. There are exclusive to each other so the question of being subset of other does not even arise.
Polygamy refers specifically to marriage. Monogamy is both a form of marriage, and also a relationship descriptor. If I am dating and sexing someone exclusively my relationship is said to be monogamous, even though we’re not married. Because monogamy is the only legal type of marriage in the West, we instead use the term exclusively to describe social and sexual relationships.
Imagine if you will that you were legally able to marry more than one person. You could then have an exclusive sexual relationship with one wife while married to both women. I knew a guy from the Middle East whose parents had just such a relationship.
If we substitute polyamory for polygamy then we have even more possibilities.
Polygamy refers to marriage, which doesn’t necessarily refer to non-monogamy. Polyamory is not polygamy. And the assumption that polyamory is equivalent to promiscuity is inaccurate. Poly (many) and amory (love). Many loves. If you don’t like polyamory or polygamy, then don’t do it. Doesn’t mean others shouldn’t be permitted to love how they want to love (as long as all adults involved are consenting).
The legality of it doesn’t really concern me. Homosexuality was once illegal, too. And there are some pretty strange laws out there that just haven’t been redressed since the many decades ago that they were created. Just because governing bodies suggest that one type of marriage is not legitimate or legal doesn’t mean that that is founded on any reasonable grounds.
I love your last paragraph!! I think many of us become misguided in our pursuit of monogamy, by trying to make it fit when it doesn’t feel genuine to us. For me, I recently realized that I am non-monogamous by nature, and that part of the struggle I’ve had in relationships stems from not having acknowledged that sooner. Monogamy is fine for those for whom it works, but we need to allow people to explore the consensual relational style that works for them, without making them feel abnormal or peripheral, instead of imposing monogamy on everyone.
I’m confused, Jasmine. Who do you think is imposing monogamy on anyone else? Last I checked marriage and non-married monogamous intimate relationships are entered into voluntarily by the adults who are party to them. Otherwise, a crime is taking place and not a relationship.
It is imposed through cultural discourse. That isn’t to say that monogamy isn’t a voluntary choice for many, but that when it is positioned, through discourse, as the only choice, then choices are being limited. The lack of discourses available on non-monogamy, polyamory, or various other relational styles positions them as peripheral. Monogamy, through normalizing discourses, then becomes culturally imposed as the only viable way of relating.
That’s exactly how I read this too. Can monogamy work? Absolutely, but it can’t be at the expense of honesty and clear communication of desires/needs and boundaries. But, and I think this was part of Edgar’s overarching point, the way it’s been positioned to a lot of people is really designed to fail. I tried very hard in a marriage that was destined to fail because my ex-wife couldn’t be faithful, and while I do place responsibility on the person I can also see the effect the expectations of monogamy had on her.
She’s right, non-monogamy is heavily shamed by most societies.
kirsten
Claiming “imposed” is pretty standard argumentation. Nobody takes it seriously.
It’s like claiming a first amendment right to speak is being foreclosed when somebody disagrees.
Thing is, what promise did you make when you started? Have you informed your partner that the promise is no longer valid?
Otherwise, among other things, you’re a lying cheat.
Don’t promise what you won’t make a hell of an effort to fulfill.
Pretty simple.
This says it all. I don’t care what works in other’s relationships, but the idea I keep seeing is that monogamy is some backwards idea, and it isn’t. I don’t think it is fair to spring ‘polyamory’ on your partner 10 years into a marriage either. I’d want my 10 years back.
“I just wish our society, including most religious organizations, would stop pushing monogamy down everyone’s throats and quit trying to portray people who seek out other alternative lifestyles as misguided, weird, kinky, sleazy and perverted sinners, instead of secure, loving, and compassionate people who feel that there is more than enough love in the world to go around and believe in the positive benefits of compersion instead of the fear and anger inherent in jealousy and possessiveness.”
You’re asking for opening mindedness while negatively judging people who seek monogamous relationships.
I took the author at his word when he wrote, “Don’t get me wrong; I believe there is nothing wrong with monogamy if that is the preferred choice of a couple.”
Where do you see the negative judgement of those who voluntarily choose monogamy and honor that choice?
@ Nick
In the piece of the article i quoted.
He links people in monogamous relationships with having fear and anger based on jealousy and possessiveness.
I didn’t read that at all in the quote you extracted; perhaps it is the reader projecting that link?
I see the author asking that others not portray his relationship choices as “misguided, weird, kinky, sleazy and perverted” and not promote monogamy as if it is the one true way. I see the author asking that others judge his relationship choices through a lens of compassion rather than jealousy.
I can’t say I find your reaction surprising; I look a the vitriol with which books like Sex At Dawn were greeted and I can’t help but wonder myself what exactly is to threatening. It’s not as if the author is personally going to break down your bedroom door and force you to be non-monogamous, he just doesn’t want to be treated as a freak if he’s cool with his partner sexing other people.
The author is making a case for how he wants others to view his relationship preferences, and you’re reading him as condemning your own. That is why I think you’re projecting. If you think I’m wrong please show me which words say differently.
Thanks, Nick. I think you have accurately interpreted what I was trying to say in this piece. My comments were not directed to people living happily in monogamous relationships, but to those who are failing or have failed to live up to the rigid demand for exclusiveness in monogamy or those who choose to live a non-monogamous lifestyle.
My references to fear and anger pertained to how they manifest themselves through jealousy; and of course there is some jealousy in all human relationships, it is not just confined to monogamy. The same thing with honesty; it would be naive to think there can be absolute honesty in any relationship; everyone is dishonest at times, be it little white lies or big whoppers, but my wife and I believe in being as open and honest with each other as possible. It really isn’t that hard once you start communicating on an intimate level.
The issue of non-monogamy reminds me of the debates on abortion and gay marriage; it is a highly charged emotional issue and yes, I do feel that some people want to impose their belief in monogamy as the “only way.”
I do not care what other consenting adults do in their bedrooms, that is strictly their own business; but I would also like to be free in my own bedroom without judgment.
For various personal reasons, and the fact that we are constantly growing and changing, my wife and I believe that we do not own each and therefore should have the freedom to have other lovers if we choose to do so. Whether we ever choose to exercise this freedom or not is not relevant to the argument for compersion.
William. You’re not surprised, surely?
Interesting mix of comments. I do not pretend to be an expert on anything; though I do try to communicate my thoughts and feelings as honestly as possible. I certainly don’t try to come across as condescending. So if I came across as somehow judgmental or negative on monogamy, I apologize. And yet I am frequently surprised by how venomously some people reply if someone even suggests an opinion that is contrary to their belief system; Though I know you can never win an emotional argument with logic and vice-versa.
Personally my wife and I have been monogamous for 13 years. That we are intellectually exploring the possibility of other lifestyles at this point in our lives is our business. And no, no one sprang ploymony on each other, the subject came up in a frank discussion in reaction to medical conditions we both have. We talk to each other and grow together, we do not dictate our views or beliefs to each other. The more we talk and read, the more intrigued we become with the thought that there are other alternatives to the rather narrow belief systems that we grew up with in traditional Judo/Christian households. We find some of these possibilities attractive though have not decided on whether we would ever make them a reality in our lives.
Some ideas from someone who’s experienced this. I’m not monogamous by nature, but I’m not casually poly either. My tendency is to be in a deeply affectionate long term relationship, with occasional periods of “limmerence” with someone else. Both of my marriages started as limmerence with my partner, but this feeling declines (with occasional revisits) over the years. Sex has remained wonderful with my wife, but I currently have a limmerent relationship (unconnsumated) with another person who (fortunately) lives three states away. So, I’m effectively biogamous. I can’t see swinging or a multi-polly arrangement. I’ve tried this, and it’s not at all interesting, even when the sex felt wonderful. When I was a soldier in Korea (1964) there were many beautiful young women available, but I lost interest until I got a long-term girlfriend. I advocate DADT, because there’s no need to torture your partner with these thoughts or feelings. I think that “complete” honesty is fetishized, and within any workable marriage isn’t completely realizable. Incidently, I can go years without a limmerent relationship on the side, and most of them haven’t led to sex in my case. I like the idea of an open marriage in the sense that partners pursue somewhat separate activities and groups of friends. (Someone called this “high monogamy,” but, of course, I’m not quite monogamous.)
Excuse the double post. I also think it’s fairly impossible to extinguish feelings of jealousy, so I don’t have much hope for that, in spite of what people write.
It sounds like you’re talking about your very own experience…
but you shoud not forget people come in all shapes and sizes; hence, someone might be able to do what you cannot do.