Charles J. Orlando documents the reasonings behind the actions of unfaithful men.
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“Cheating” and “Celebrity News” seem to be synonymous these days, and are a microcosm of our society. Interest in the Lifestyles of the Overindulged and Without Scruples. Lifestyle Journalists highlight the latest indiscretion of some mega-rich, mega-famous, magna-cum-douchebag who had (what appeared to be) a great relationship/marriage, and a couple of kids. Then he started hanging out with a model/starlet/socialite who had more firmness in her tits than morals in her fiber. Three weeks of hit-it-and-quit it and our hero discovers himself the center of a TMZ-driven news report (complete with a deer-in-headlights picture of him) on page one of The National Shamefest.
Two days later — after many private meetings with his publicist, his manager, his lawyer, and his priest — he announces that he’s sorry. Sorry for what? Cheating? Puh-lease. He’s only sorry he got caught. His honor: Gone. Sacrificed on The Altar of New Pussy. His integrity: I’m thinkin’ if he had any, he would have had the common decency to leave his current partner before ending up in bed (or the backseat, photographed by the roving paparazzi) with someone else.
Is cheating more prevalent today that before, or are we merely more aware of its happening due to media saturation? OR, is the rise in cheating due to the media’s influence in our everyday lives?
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Bottom line: He sold out his bed and two nightstands for a one-night-stand, and now he want the world to believe that he actually gives a sh*t about his spouse? Okay… benefit of the doubt: Perhaps he DOES care about her… and this is some crazy gray area. But his explanations aren’t to the media… and they aren’t to the fans (so that he can save his career and ensure he can continue to earn seven digits from his next movie contract, all the while fueling tabloid/newspaper/gossip magazine sales). His efforts SHOULD be turned inward — to his significant other, for sure… but mostly to himself. Maybe he can start thinking about why his ego needed yet ANOTHER boost. After all, isn’t he famous enough?
And these people are put on pedestals by society-at-large… perhaps not intentionally or consciously, but Joe and Jane Citizen are influenced by the behavior of the Morally Challenged. In effect, it has blurred the line of what’s normal in love. What used to be worthy of a Scarlet Letter is still frowned upon… but it’s also accepted as the way things are. A Normal Evil of The World Around Us.
So, is cheating more prevalent today that before, or are we merely more aware of its happening due to media saturation? OR, is the rise in cheating due to the media’s influence in our everyday lives?
My thought: Cheaters make choices, but those choices are also guided by chemical reactions, environment, wants and needs of the individual, and the state of their self-esteem and ego.
Firstly, there is never a justification for cheating. Cheating is a choice. The right thing to do is to leave your current relationship before starting a new one… that way, everyone maintains their dignity and respect is granted to all parties. However —as we all know — that’s not always the way it goes. I went looking for explanations. Not reasons or justifications… just thoughts on why from husbands who strayed. The answers were fascinating.
Cheating’s Main Villain: Dopamine
The chemical reaction for an affair is intense. The brain is flooded with dopamine, and our primal mating desires kick-in. Then, the rush that comes with doing anything taboo intensifies the high, and BAM! You’re addicted to the most incredible feelings of “love”, “connection”, and desire.
From Matt T.: “Affair sex? Impossibly mind-blowing. I had sex with [the other woman] everywhere: backseat, front seat, hood of the car, hotel bed, restaurant booth, her house, my house… it didn’t matter. It was just exciting… crazy exciting.”
And the mental part of an affair can be worse. From Roger G.: “The conversation was amazing. We just totally connected. Both of us married, looking at each other, both questioning why we were still with our spouses. My mistress was wicked smart; so much smarter than my wife. I kept asking myself why didn’t I meet her before. How did the universe hate me so much to keep this angelic creature away from me for so long? Why did I waste 20+ years of my life with the wrong woman?”
There are plenty of men who run off and cheat on their wives, creating another relationship before leaving their marriage. It’s cowardly and based on all the wrong stuff, but it feels real. And beyond the chemical issues (dopamine, infatuation), there is a very basic reason for this: There is no way an established relationship will ever be like a new relationship. It’s impossible. New relationships are exciting, passionate, hopeful, and mysterious… but it’s only like that when it’s new. If you wait a little while, your shiny new relationship will be… (wait for it) old… established.
That was Stephan R’s realization, about six months after his divorce finalized and he was now sitting across the breakfast table from his then-mistress-now-girlfriend. He broke up and desperately wanted to fix things with his wife:
“I know the perception of cheaters… and those who haven’t had an affair think cheaters have no regrets… like I did what I did without caring about the after effects. Put simply: I must have cheated because I just don’t give a shit about anything or anyone but myself. I understand that point of view. Cheating is a selfish act. But don’t be fooled. I have massive regret. I feel I left my integrity and honor somewhere between watching the first condom twist its way down the five-star hotel toilet and standing face-to-face with my wife, with me screaming ‘What are you talking about!? I’m not fucking anyone behind your back!’ with my teenage kids within earshot.”
Eric T. agrees: “As I talk to you, Charles, my heart sinks deeper into the shame and dishonor that permeates my very skin. I feel like such a piece of garbage. No amount of physical pleasure or mental stimulation will compensate for the ridiculousness of my behavior. I mean, I was gallivanting around like a 17-year-old with a perpetual hard-on, thinking others couldn’t see what I was doing, and how I was acting. I’m just an idiot.”
Cheating isn’t just a selfish act
People think they sell their souls when they sacrifice their integrity and honor. But that would imply that the soul is separate from the person. In the words of C.S. Lewis, “You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” Which means only one thing for those in affairs: In betraying your significant other, you betray yourself… the essence of who you are.
Marriages grow, change, alter, and iterate, but they cannot go back to the New Phase — ever. You can put in effort to maintain passion and desire… but it still won’t be “new”. But with effort, that passion doesn’t have to wane; it can stay and grow with the relationship.
The Bottom Line
Are cheaters victims? Hardly; they make choices… albeit potentially through chemical reactions that drive foggy/poor decision-making. Those bad decisions make the proverbial grass appear greener, but whether it actually is or isn’t doesn’t matter. People make choices… and then their choices make them. To those tempted to cheat, I implore you to rethink things. You don’t have to stay in a marriage where you aren’t happy. If you’re not happy — LEAVE… but allow everyone their dignity and honor… including yourself.
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This article originally appeared on The Problem Is Men.
Photo credit: bsag/flickr
Anybody in this discussion thought about other alternatives, like polyamory?
After ten dead years, my cheating led me to someone who relit my heart. And the unexpected result was my love for my wife relit, too. The two of them are now friends, growing closer as friends do by sharing, including sharing me!
So dump the shame and guilt, be honest about who and what you are, and you may be surprised beyond imagination.
The question is why men have difficulty letting go of a woman who no longer wants them after the man cheated or mistreated their woman?
They want their cake and to eat it too. Two of my ex’s ocasionally stalk me because I won’t take them back.
Women are human and we have limits. Don’t expect us to want to reconcile just because you saw the light after cheating. We can move on and never look back once we’ve given our best but were taken for granted.
Joy makes excellent points.
Firstly we are all aware that not every relationship can last forever. So usually a person is not happy with his current spouse and in that period finds a person he or she can connect much better and over a course of time develops feelings and one thing leads to another.
So give us ur experto opinion instead of that long grandmother explanation I had to read.
“Firstly, there is never a justification for cheating. Cheating is a choice. The right thing to do is to leave your current relationship before starting a new one… that way, everyone maintains their dignity and respect is granted to all parties. ”
It’s kind of sweet and naive that you seem to think your preferences and priorities are somehow universal. That there is one right way and you’ve figured it out.
Instead of filling the internet with more snark how about you add your idea of a “right answer”.
I agree with everything you wrote but as you noticed in the beginning there, cheating is a choice. That is….you can first stop the relationship you are in, and THEN cheat. People who cheat while being with someone else are cowards. And there is no excuse for it.
While I’m not advocating any act that involves dishonesty, perhaps human sexuality is much too complex and variable for a single monogamous relationship? Please read / watch ‘Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray and What it Means for Modern Relationships’. This book / video blew my mind and made me realize that it’s far more unnatural for our species to limit ourselves to one partner than to remain in a lifelong relationship. Commendable, but unnatural. Not to mention all the pressure we put on one individual to fulfill all our needs – emotional, sexual, intellectual, spiritual. I… Read more »
It’s interesting you mention “Sex At Dawn” – I was having a conversation with an old friend I happened to run into today and we were discussing this book and the topic of monogamy vs. polyamory. We both agreed that polyamory may really be the best option for some, but not others. I myself am not wired to be intimately involved with more than one person at a time for emotional reasons, but I know some who are openly polyamorous and perfectly happy with their lives. I think the main issue here is having respect for yourself and everyone involved… Read more »
“Is cheating more prevalent today than before…?”
I think it has always occurred…I think in the “Mad Men” period, it was the unwritten code of acceptance among men…my ex was selfish and did not care who he hurt…he only cared about his own narcissistic needs (he more or less said this same exact thing a long time ago)…but he was a coward, he was ambivalent and could not give up one or the other…it seemed like his neediness was bottomless…the more women he had orbiting him in his life the better….until we all got fed up and left…
Leia, I hope you ex is miserable. “Coward” is a perfect description but I would add “weak.” But I have to ask, I don’t mean to put you on the defensive but what did you and others see in him?
I had an affair several years ago, confessed to my wife, owned my bad choices, and worked with her to make a new, much better relationship. So, this article resonated with my experience in a lot of ways. In some other ways, though, it’s not quite on target. You’re right, there is no justification for cheating. Cheating is even more than a choice. More like a hundred choices. There is that feeling of a new relationship that is very different from an established relationship. It’s an illusion. It’s a self-delusion, and you know it’s an illusion and you do it… Read more »
PUAs think monogamy or “one-itis” is just silly…and a ridiculous limitation on men to sample the fruits on many women…because why limit oneself to one woman…no one woman is perfect, right?
wellokaythen, you said “You can’t just reduce some behavior to “brain chemistry” and then not do it for other behavior. Isn’t staying monogamous also “just a product of brain chemistry”? If some moral questions are connected to brain activity, then ALL moral decisions are connected to brain activity. You’d have to explain why affairs are about brain chemistry but staying faithful is not about brain chemistry” Excellent, Excellent, Excellent point.
“Firstly, there is never a justification for cheating. Cheating is a choice. The right thing to do is to leave your current relationship before starting a new one… that way, everyone maintains their dignity and respect is granted to all parties.”
Ending a marriage for some fresh tail is arguably as disrespectful and undignified as cheating. I certainly wouldn’t call it ‘the right thing to do’.
JB