If we want our relationships to have happy endings, we have to be careful of the stories we tell.
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I was recently pulled over for running a red light and got a ticket. I didn’t do it but was prepared to just pay the exorbitant fee and suck up the points on my insurance because going in front of the magistrate intimidated the crap out of me.
A friend told me that it was worth trying to fight and I decided to contest the ticket. I said to my husband “I’m going to be so nervous. I’m going to need you to have my back and come with me.”
Silence.
In nanoseconds, that silence told me that he wouldn’t be willing to take a day off for something that he didn’t see as “worth it”.
In that moment, I labeled him as “selfish” and I started compiling a mental list. You know the kind.
I started recounting every time he got anxious about something and how I helped him, without him even needing to ask sometimes! I began recounting all of the times he didn’t have my back, which quickly led to me thinking of him as a “taker”. In record speed, I was telling myself that I’d married a “taker” and that I was in a marriage where I’d always do more for him than he was willing to do for me.
In mere seconds, that was the story I’d created.
When someone says something, does something, doesn’t say or doesn’t do something, we create stories about what their actions or inactions mean. When we’re tired, disappointed, or angry, our stories are more negative, critical, and judgmental of those around us.
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These stories are assumptions and unless we check our assumptions at the door with the other person, they quickly become “truths” that we can carry with us. We then start to move through the world looking for “proof”—validation and examples of why we’re right in our thinking. Our lens becomes skewed as we survey for past and present examples of being let down. Suddenly, we’re seeing scarcity in our relationships.
This is what happens in all kinds of relationships every day. We create stories about our friends, family, and co-workers. Those of us in marital or long-term committed relationships are particularly susceptible to this. It is these relationships where we rely more on our physical and emotional needs getting met. Nothing brings out the temptation to go through a system of checks and balances like a fear of unmet needs.
These stories are dangerous. They become the pre-cancerous cells to the relationships most important to us.
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Taking an inventory like that feels protective. It’s a defense against further hurt and gives us a sense of assurance that we won’t be taken advantage of.
These stories are dangerous. They become the pre-cancerous cells to the relationships most important to us.
How do we prevent the cancerous stories from rotting our relationships?
We have to be vulnerable and check our stories out.
Instead of quickly labeling my husband as “selfish”, it was my responsibility to say “Your silence feels to me like you’re saying no and even if it doesn’t make sense to you, I really feel like I need you there.”
He very well may have replied with “You’re right. I think you’re overreacting and I am not willing to take a day off for that.” My feelings would have been hurt and I’d have had to deal with that.
Ugh. More vulnerability.
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However, there’s no way that my story as is would have had a happy ending. I was, after all, now married to someone who’s selfish and I would carry that story through future interactions. It would inevitably affect my behavior in things I said, did, didn’t say, or didn’t do. My story could only create a rift.
Positive narratives about our spouses and partners will create positive feelings for them.
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Talking about it at least would have opened up the possibility for connection, comfort, or at the very least, a nice dinner out after a day of being brave and going to the magistrate by myself.
Annette Simmons has written a book called “Whoever Tells the Best Story Wins”. She’s written it about business and how a powerful narrative can motivate people to buy a product or service. The same concept works for the health of our relationships.
Positive narratives about our spouses and partners will create positive feelings for them. At trying times, we have to shift our lens and start collecting positive examples of times of connection and support.
Of course our partners are still going to do things that piss us off, disappoint us, or make us sad. There’s no escaping hurt feelings when you’re living with someone 24/7 and have made a commitment to do doing so for an eternity.
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I wish I could tell you that I immediately corrected my story and asked my husband to come with me to the courthouse. I didn’t. I went alone but I knew that was on me. I never asked again and never expressed a need so for all I know, my husband thought I worked my nervousness out on my own.
However, that “selfish” story was gnawing at me and that was entirely my fault. I started looking around my relationship with a new lens. He supports me in this writing venture of mine and is proud of my role with and commitment to The Good Men Project. He always makes sure the best bite of food goes to me and if we get an odd number in a serving, the extra one is mine, too. The bottom drawer of our dishwasher had been broken for an eternity and he took the initiative to buy a new drawer. He brags about me and my accomplishments to his family. My MMA gym membership costs an arm and a leg but I love it so he sees the cost as worth it even though I have been going for close to a year and haven’t gotten much better than I was when I started.
Selfish people don’t make those kinds of choices.
Just like that, my story changes and our relationship wins.
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Photo: David Amsler/Flickr
Great insight! I have learned that you must sometimes let things roll around in your head for a bit, before making a sweeping (and sometimes life-changing) opinion or decision about a relationship. Also, I’ve also learned to stay away from friends who only want to hear (and see) drama – YOUR drama. I like the idea of a Gratitude Journal for couples and even families. A Gratitude Journal can be as simple as a spiral notebook, placed in a public place in your home. Each person, whenever they want, writes something good in it. It can be something good about… Read more »