Lee Crockford is setting out to help prevent the avoidable suicides amongst Aussie men. As always, it starts by having the words to talk about it.
I feel I should preface this blog with a disclaimer before I’m shot down in a blaze of criticism and burning internet memes. I’m far from being an expert in mental health– in fact, the title of a novice is likely pushing it. I simply have a question about mental health from the perspective of someone who has never suffered from depression. I should also add, rather inconveniently, that it’s a question that I’m not entirely sure how to articulate…
Several weeks ago I was reading through personal stories written by those touched by depression or suicide. Just a little light reading for a Saturday night. After digesting dozens of stories, it dawned on me that the vast majority were written from one of three points of view:
1) People currently suffering from depression: These stories tend to discuss only the writer’s own feelings.
2) People that have overcome depression: These stories tend to be more broad in content, though regularly follow the structure:
- the journey they’ve gone through (with significant focus on their own lowest point)
- the catalyst that prompted change
- how their life has improved
- the importance that friends and family played in their recovery process
- occasionally there may be a concession or apology acknowledging the impact their depression must have had on their friends and family.
3) People indirectly affected by depression (friends, family etc.) These stories detail the journey their loved ones went through while often discussing the impact the situation had on their own lives.
It seems that there’s one glaring theme missing from the above three categories, though I’ll come back to that in a moment.
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There was one story in particular that caught my eye. It was posted in 2001 by an American girl under the pseudonym “Angel12″. It was only adequately written and the narrative was fairly typical. Angel12 recounted the story of her boyfriend who ended up taking his own life after a lengthy battle with depression. His illness generally went unnoticed by the world at large, though she was only too aware of it. The fact that he took his own life was, of course, tragic even if it came as little surprise to her. Before his suicide, they had discussed his illness at length and she knew he was harbouring suicidal thoughts.
“Sometimes, love just isn’t enough to get you through” was a statement he admitted to her on several heartbreaking occasions.
What must that be like? To live with and to love someone that you know might end their own life at any moment? Is there any way that someone could not be affected by that? Unsurprisingly, the weight of the situation took a massive toll on Angel12. At no point in her blog, though, did she ever divulge whether her boyfriend was aware of the effect his depression had on her.
This omission isn’t isolated to Angel12‘s story. Of the dozens of stories I read that night, not one person in the throes of depression acknowledged the impact it had on the lives of those around them. One would be forgiven for thinking that only once a person has begun the journey to recovery are they either able or willing to acknowledge it. This begs the question: Why?
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The whole point of Soften the Fck Up is to challenge the conversations we have around mental health. The idea of discussing mental health openly has been stigmatised for far too long–especially amongst men and especially amongst Australian men. I’ll admit myself that I’d rather bottle it up than talk to my mates if I’m a bit down. However, it’s not just the conversation surrounding the need for blokes to open up more that we need to challenge. There is, perhaps, an even more difficult dialogue we need to be willing to start and that’s the conversation we have when someone’s depression starts to impact the people around them.
Mental health is, of course, a delicate matter. The most common symptom of depression is a feeling of helplessness. Adding a layer of responsibility and, what could be potentially construed as, shame is questionable. The following is an incredibly weak and inferior metaphor, but for a moment let’s just take the example of someone talking loudly in a movie theatre. It’s something that that clearly affects others, though people will often avoid starting a dialogue in the fear of either being rude, confrontational or because of the possible negative ramifications. Please know that the seriousness of depression doesn’t even begin to compare to someone talking during a movie–the parallel is simply how we go about addressing the elephant in the room. Should we avoid the conversation simply because there’s the potential for it all to end badly? Or should we be bold enough to challenge the elephant in the room and pull on its tail with the hope of achieving a greater outcome for everyone involved? How long do we sit on our hands before it achieves nothing but numb hands?
Whether it’s a correct assumption or not, I’ve always believed we can’t control the feelings we have, though we have no choice but to control the actions we make. Doing something is action. Doing nothing is action, too. When talking about depression it’s common for people to say that “you’re dealing with the illness not the individual”. If we can separate the two in this instance then why cant we address the impact that the illness creates without placing the burden the individual?
I would genuinely like to know from anyone who reads this:
- If you, yourself have been through depression, what impact would a loved one, or someone close to you have had if they confessed the negative ramifications your illness was having on their life? Would that have only set you back further or would it have been a “kick up the arse” you needed to take stock and push you into taking action? Would it force you to be accountable and create a positive shift in the way you interacted with the world and your illness?
- If you have been indirectly affected by depression, have you ever been honest and explained to someone how their depression has impacts you? If so, what outcome did that have? Did it help or did it only make things worse?
Many people who have come out the other side of depression talk about a catalyst that forced a change within them. Of course, no one is cured in a moment of epiphany–but it is the first step in a overcoming depression. Could confronting the people we love be that catalyst?
A must-see video about Soften the Fck Up is on the Good Feed Blog today.
About Soften The Fck Up “It started with a conversation and quickly turned into a national platform to prioritise the prevention of avoidable suicide amongst Aussie men. Soften the Fck Up is passionate about making it easier for men to take action than to take their own lives. Suicide is the main cause of mortality for males aged 14-44 and in 2010 a quarter of all male deaths aged 15-40 were due to suicide. The main factor is the reluctance, or inherent challenge, for men to recognise and identify their need for help and to seek it out. We’re here to challenge the conversation around mental health and the perception of what it really means to be a man. Our message is simple – if you’re going through a tough time, you need to soften the fck up and talk about it.”
About Lee Crockford
As someone who has always and continues to struggle with severe depression, I know any talk of how it is negatively impacting others would just cause more isolation and a refusal to discuss it. If it is negatively impacting someone else and they let me know, the only solution is to no longer be a burden and avoid causing them more hassles. One of the problems with depression and other mental illnesses is the fact that you feel like you lack control. It is like you’re trapped in your own mind and can’t control how you feel. For me, I know all the things I should do, all the things I need to do, all the steps I need to take to be happy and live a fulfilling life. I am unable to take those steps and do those things. This is why many depressed people will injure themselves or take their own lives; they feel it is one of the only things they control. If they cannot control and create a positive outcome, at least they can control and create AN outcome.
My husband and I both struggle with major mental illness. Our symptoms cannot help but hurt one another, whether we pull away or fight. Bringing our awareness to the ways we behave and how that affects one another has helped us both. We care so much about each other and our marriage, it’s of the highest priority to both of us to figure out how to feel safe with one another. Each time one of us takes a step toward wellness, it has the potential to also push the other one off balance, with the result (usually) being a new balance that is better than the old one. We’re not experts in mental health, either, but we’re the experts on ourselves, and we care more than anyone else about feeling okay about ourselves and having a healthy marriage, so it’s on us to work toward those goals. “It gets better” is for more than just queer youth. The reason it gets better is because you come into your own power.
I’ve experienced the grief of a friend committing suicide, had my heart broken numerous times by people struggling with mental health issues and it’s become quite clear that people with mental health issues tend to be drawn to me. (Not sure why, it just seems to be the case)
In terms of my mechanisms for coping with the effects of other people’s mental health problems I think of it in terms of my own personal capacity. If, in my current capacity I’m not able to be there for someone I turn to other people in their community and say ‘I think this person is struggling, but I’m not in the right place to help right now, please lend a hand’ I have to remember that I can’t personally save everyone and if I don’t look after my own well being too, my capacity to help is severely diminished.
If someone pointed out the negative ramifications my depression has on them would be a very delicate situation. It would also depend on who that person was and their relationship to me.
Someone telling me how much harder I’m making their life would make me much more likely not to burden them with my problems any longer. I would keep my true feeling to myself and be wearing a brave face just for them. I would be “fine” around them or perhaps not be around them sometimes. I think friends and lovers are more likely to get this response.
On the other hand, someone explaining how seeing me depressed and in pain is also causing them pain and sadness might be a better approach. Maybe. It is also possible it would have the same effect as above.
In the situation where I have been on the receiving end of someone affected by depression I’m afraid I addressed how it was making things difficult for me. Difficult being expressed as time, money, energy, etc. I eventually took steps to remove myself from the difficult situation which also put some distance between us. I think that triggered the reaction described above where I was the one receiving the brave face and everything was “fine”.
I don’t think I helped the the situation but maintaining the status quo wasn’t effecting any positive change either. I continued to be present in their life and tried to help on my different fronts. I was thanked for my efforts but in the end it made no difference in the outcome.
I eventually got that call that my friend had taken his life. I was shocked but not surprised. I think everyone else who knew him had a similar reaction.
If there is a way to change this state of affairs I’m not sure I have the answer.
Thank you for addressing this topic. I’m curious to see where it ends up and if any new ways of thinking about this subject emerge. It is something that has impacted me and the men I know a great deal.
Please reconsider the use of that picture though. I’m well aware of that method men often use kill themselves (quite literally). I would prefer to think about why they do it and what can be done to change that rather than be confronted with the act itself.
Most are aware, I suppose, that depressed people tend to withdraw from others.
For me at least, part of that was about minimizing the negative effect I might have had on other people. I might not have been able to fix the issue in my own life, but I figured I could at least try to keep it from pulling other people down with me.
So many of us do our best to cover it up, put on a brave face, so much so that those around us might never know what’s really going on. But it is exhausting. It can’t be kept up for long. And so it encourages more withdrawal from the company of people. This is counterproductive for the depressed person, but makes it easier for those around them.
I think your perspective is common in those who don’t understand. It is part of the “suicide is selfish” “how could they?” mentality perhaps.
Look I completely understand. Hell, I used to think exactly the same thing, before I experienced it for myself.
I didn’t know that living could ever include that kind of pain, that life would ever make me feel something that I couldn’t just pack up and drive away from, something that could not be escaped via any method that allowed me to continue to breathe. That breathing itself, might become somehow difficult.
Sadly there are no quick fixes. Serious depression is a messy, messy thing. Recovery tends to be slow and painful, whatever the method. “Please fix this, because you are hurting me” doesn’t help. It makes us feel worse about the problems we are struggling with and insinuates a lack of trying on the part of the depressed person. I understand this too, because long-standing depression brings with it powerful apathy. It looks, from the outside, like the person should be trying harder – that they aren’t really trying at all.
The truth is, they may be trying incredibly hard, on a daily basis, just to get out of bed.
We don’t want to hurt anyone around us, we really don’t. But we can’t flick a switch and stop it happening. From a depressive’s viewpoint, what we can do, is disappear (and there are, of course, mild to extreme forms of that).
My opinion is, the more we are conscious of our effect on others, the more likely we are to do it alone. In secret, behind closed doors, unsupported and unknown.
I know first-hand how draining it can be to be the main source of support for someone chronically depressed, but the solution is to get a support network involved, and only take on what you can handle. Talking to them about how draining it is for you is likely to make things worse. Also, it’s even more draining for them – that’s what depression is. It’s as if you were walking down the sidewalk with someone with a severely sprained ankle, who occasionally has to lean on you to walk. Yes, it’s tiring for you and it slows you down. And if you went behind them and “kicked them in the arse”, it might make them move faster for a little bit, but it certainly wouldn’t help to fix the problem and there’s a decent chance it would worsen the injury.