The key to any great relationship is the willingness to change.
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The most common whiny guy thing I hear is, “I just want to be myself.” Here’s a reality check; you would already have what you want if being yourself worked.
It’s almost nauseating to write about this topic because people should know already that you’re not going to get what you want by doing the same thing which doesn’t get it.
As Einstein put it, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” The same thinking that you’re using right now which isn’t getting you the results you desire is going to keep you where you are. Lonely weekends, frustration as you see another attractive women walk away, and way too many nights out with the boys.
“But why can’t women just like me the way I am?” That question is a surefire mindset to be alone, forever. Seriously, you have to get out of whiners mode and into proactive ‘What can I do right now to become a better man?’ mode in order to solve this puzzle.
It’s not that you’re not a good person but the chances are that you’re missing some skills, confidence and finesse which would grease your social wheels and make it easier to connect with women.
If you’re not willing to change then you should stop complaining and resign yourself to hanging out with guys in bars, standing around your table with your eyes creeping around while you hold your beer in front of your chest. Sure, you’ll talk about plenty of girls with the boys, but the only girls you’re going to see naked will be on your computer screen when you go home alone.
Here’s a question for all of the “I just want to be myself” guys out there. How many skills were you born with? Did you know how to speak English before learning? Didn’t you have to go to school to learn new job skills and applicable knowledge?
You weren’t born with any skills or expertise but you did learn new ones as you grew up. Now the question is why did you decide to stop learning and “just be myself”?
If you wanted a job as a carpenter you would of first had to go to trades school and learn from a qualified carpenter, experientially on the job. After four years you could graduate with the technical expertise they taught you at trades school as well as the hands on knowledge you learned from an expert on the job.
I’ve never heard of a guy applying for a job as a carpenter, who didn’t know carpentry, only to turn around and say “Why can’t they just hire me the way I am?”
No high quality woman is going to accept your ‘resume’ if you haven’t already learned what you need to know, so stop whining and start learning.
Here is a list of things that I also hear way too often coming from guys who are unwilling to change to get what they want.
1. Why can’t women just like me for who I am?
Who you are isn’t the kind of guy they want. You may be missing some interpersonal skills, confidence, or it may just boil down to a lack of experience. Experience is the mother of all lessons.
2. But I’m a good person.
I’m sure you are but what can you offer of value? Just existing and not doing bad things is not a qualification for women to want to be with you. If you can’t make women feel good emotionally then you’re not going to get the kind of relationships you want, period.
3. Isn’t learning all of these dating skills just manipulation?
In a nutshell, no. Is it manipulation to learn how to do a job interview, public speaking, or any other person to person communication skill? Is it manipulation to challenge your fears by doing things which are scary so that you can become more confident? You can learn to do things in a way which women find attractive, or you can keep communicating in a way which turns women off, that’s your choice.
You could certainly become a sweet talking con artist but that has nothing to do with learning psychology and communication skills, that has to do with the kind of person you are on the inside.
Learn the powers of influence for good or for bad, it’s your choice. The main thing that gets a womans attention isn’t even the technical aspects of dating, like what to say or when to kiss, it’s the confidence that you exude underneath it all. Often that can come from knowing what works, but it also comes from having challenged major fears.
Asking if learning dating skills is manipulation is almost like saying getting in shape is manipulating women because they will like a fitter guy instead of an out of shape guy.
This question almost begs the reply; are you intentionally trying to do things the opposite of the way they work? Life is easier when you don’t sabotage your own best interest.
4. Isn’t that being pushy? (Leading)
No, women aren’t interested in a guy who ask them every single detail and needs permission to do anything. When planning a date you set the when, where and what. Obviously there will be an intersection for flexibility on time/place and activity because not everyone is going to like everything, but the point is you have to be willing to set the tone without fear of disapproval.
Approval seeking guys are immature males who don’t have leadership qualities and afraid of hearing “no”. Suck it up, buttercup.
5. But that’s just not me
Anything which you haven’t experienced yet, learned, or challenged yourself to is not you. Open your mind to the possibilities and stop using counterproductive language which is sure to keep you running in circles. It will become you when you decide to be more than you currently are.
More often than not, guys who complain about women not liking them for who they are are making excuses for not becoming better men.
By Eddie Baller
Photo: Flickr/J.K. Califf
Originally posted on Ultimate Man Builder
Did anyone notice how the language shifted from “those guys” to “you” and how it quickly got more and more personally degrading as it addressed the reader? It goes from “these guys might be thinking the wrong way” to “you’re going to be alone forever, jerking it to online media, and only hanging out with other men.” The author takes all these macho concepts of masculinity, too: don’t whine, you’re a whiner, don’t be spineless, have confidence. Then he says that you should not be seeking approval of anyone, and turns right around to say that you need to be… Read more »
This article barely scratches the surface. There are many men (and women, too) who have no business dating because they seriously need to work on themselves. They have anger problems, ethics problems, problems with habitual lying (outright or by omission), cheating, drug/alcohol abuse, addiction (of any kind), and other major fatal flaws that no one would brook for an instant, much less a lifetime. But you have to want to change these things about yourself — not because you want to gain the acceptance of a woman you haven’t even met, but for yourself, your friends, your family, and the… Read more »
I’m sorry, not really; this is a terrible article with bits of decent advice thrown around. The message wanes because the article is talking at men rather than to them, I guess attempting to use tough love/real talk writing motif to hit the viewer. Unfortunately this just makes the article come off as completely condescending and disingenuous. Really, relating getting into a relationship with a carpenter, really? The writer’s strongest message in this piece is “change for others,” sorry some of us aren’t Lorne Malvo… honestly I hope none of us are Lorne Malvo (Watch Fargo, the Series). This article… Read more »
Some minor skills can be learnt but keep being yourself and not a fake impersonation of a person. Don’t become a PUA if you want authentic connection with another being, its worth it eventually.
🙂
The problem with this approach is that you won’t be able to keep it up for ever, unless this ‘change’ is something you have an affinity for. If you don’t, the relationship collapses as the guy who thought he could change gets tired of working at it. No answers that are right for all situations, but I think people really need to find someone they’re compatible with rather than chasing a fantasy person. But, they need to really know themselves, not just act the same way they always do, which is usually mindless reaction.
Oh wonderful, my comment was rejected.
Is telling men to expect women to also grow as people just… too misogynistic of an idea to swallow?
Oh wow it came back, never mind.
I actually don’t disagree with this article, but it left out one crucial thing that, without it, doesn’t sit well with any self-respecting man. An important thing to note is change (or growth) is essential in life. Without it, I’d be just a fraction of the man (person) I am now, and the quality of my relationships and life would suffer. However, success with women (what really is establishing/sustaining relationships) is not purely the guy’s responsibility, it’s also the responsibility of the woman in question. Even if you’re a smart, confident, handsome and successful guy, that only takes you so… Read more »
Well said sir
People should grow when they decide to do so on their own time not when other people decide. You can’t make people grow unless they want to do so. Many times a drug addict, an alcoholic, or a criminal will reform only when she/she hits rock bottom. What I don’t like is no matter how many times you improve yourself, it is never going to be good enough if some else keeps raising the bar all the time and you finally decide you are no longer going to play that the game anymore because you will end up mentally and… Read more »
What’s the prize?
It’s very competitive out there especially online. You have to make the best of what you’ve got and put it out there to be seen. I see many lame profiles on Plenty of Fish and hear men moaning that they get no responses from the messages they send out.
You don’t have to change who you are but how you are perceived by women is the key, Humor generally transcends most other failures,
Taking Eddy’s points into a long-term, committed, romantic relationship where intimacy has vanished and all a man can hope for is a kiss goodnight – it is STILL solid advice. Even long term married guys (28 yrs. for me) go for years clueless about why connection and attraction falter. He already HAS a woman and still feels powerless to create affection and attraction. Being ourselves sometimes means we are unhappy, uninspired, confused, angry, fearful, undirected, and whiny. This applies to men who, on the outside, appear to be attractive, successful and happy. But they have a secret – they don’t… Read more »
“More often than not, guys who complain about women not liking them for who they are are making excuses for not becoming better men.”
“Better” Because a man’s worth is measured only by how much women like him, of course.
Thanks, but I’ll pass. If the price of being successful with women is being fundamentally dishonest with them and myself then you can keep it. This article is no kire than a sneering PUA diatribe. Changing and evolving in yourself when youre ready and you really understand why is one thing. Deliberately changing yourself into something you think women want just to get laid/”better results with women” is shallow, facile and dishonest.
I dont need to get laid that badly, Eddy.
Think you somewhat missed the point… the aim isn’t to get people into bed, it’s to make yourself a genuinely good prospect for a relationship (Or sex if that’s what you’re down for). Not all casual sex is evil you know. If neither party is deceptive, then casual sex can just be fun for an evening. This just in: Women enjoy sex too.
If you have the social skills and emotional maturity of a cucumber, then learning those of a human isn’t manipulation, its personal growth (Or De-cucumberization (patent pending)).
“If you’re not willing to change…”
I don’t agree with a lot of what PUAs say or do…but Tyler/Owen of RSD did have a point….for men who don’t want to change or try something different, how is that working for ya?
Except that everyone changes and tries new things, unless some PUA sabotages them into being too intimidated to try anything without prior approval.
Sadly this article is less inspiring. I see a lot of men being very compromised to get a woman in their lives. Sometimes you can lose yourself if you compromise too much. Of course if you are not happy you need to think carefully about your choices and accept you need to change, but sometimes single and being yourself is bettter. I see a lot of women also choosing that these days.
You’re right, Mike. Relationships aren’t some status symbol and women aren’t some trophy that means you have it together. It is so much better to be yourself and to find someone whose craziness groks with your craziness. If you aren’t your best self, then do what you can, and find someone who brings out the best in you and you in them. Commit to them and love them even when they’re in frumpy, stained sweatpants and can’t get off the toilet. You love the person, not just how they make you feel or vice versa.
That’s the difference between acting for a little while and growing and maturing as a person. It’s why you have to be in a relationship for a few years to make sure the person isn’t subconsciously acting differently to how they normally would around you. Noone can act forever.