Ariel Chesler’s marriage is based upon full equality, but when it comes to chores, things seem pretty traditional.
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Every once in a while I find it interesting to think about what roles and tasks my wife and I perform at home and with our children. Even those of us who are cognizant of gender roles, and breaking out of them, can easily slip into them without a second thought. I think about these things both to reassess how my wife and I are dividing chores and also because I want to know what our daughters are learning from us.
I find that there are answers for much of the division of labor that are connected to whether or not an inidividual is the primary caregiver or a stay-at-home parent, and sometimes to biology. So, for example, because my wife breastfed our children, we developed a routine in which she was primarily the one waking up in the middle of the night to feed and/or comfort our children. There were exceptions, especially when a child was sick, and we both would get up. Other considerations were part of these choices, including the fact that I had to wake each morning to go to work while my wife decided to stay at home full time.
Similarly, a number of other tasks are assigned to my wife mainly because I work outside of the home full time. She is generally the one who cooks dinner because I arrive home too late to do so. She is generally the one who is the primary grocery shopper for the family for the same reason. She is generally the one who does laundry as well.
I take on the tasks that fit with my work schedule. I wake up first with the children. I make the children breakfast in the morning. I have been the one bringing my older daughter to pre-school in the mornings on my way to work while my wife picks her up in the afternoon. I am in charge of bath time each night because I am home for that and also because I enjoy it. I also often read my older daughter a story before she goes to sleep. And, when I am home I change diapers and make food for the children and entertain them.
In the case of cat related tasks – food and litter – I am in charge of those things because my wife began avoiding the litter when she became pregnant with our first daughter. We never reassessed this assignment and I think my wife likes it like that.
But, what about other tasks? Why am I the one taking out the trash and the recycling? Is it because, as my older daughter already has learned by my carrying her in my arms often, I am physically stronger than mommy? Why am I the one who changes lightbulbs? Why am I the one who fixes things that break? Why do I pay the bills? My wife did this at some point and then I took it over.
Why does mommy get the girls dressed? Is it because I doubt my ability to coordinate clothes as well as she after having been criticized when I did this task? Why does mommy do their hair? That’s easy – I am so lost when it comes to their hair. Other dads, I am willing to accept lessons from you on this one.
I am proud to note that my wife and I equally avoid cleaning and doing the dishes until they must be done. And, she is also superior to me when it comes to electronics and computer issues.
And, here’s another thing I’ve noticed. On these cold winter weekends I go hunting. There I am in a pre-coffee early morning daze staring out at the cold concrete of the avenue below. I throw on my jeans and lace up my boots and put on a heavy coat and hat. And, there are my girls looking up at me as I tip my hat and make my way downstairs and out into the City. And then I am stalking food that sits behind a counter. I make my selections and return a victorious hunter with bagels and pastries and coffee and chocolate milk. I thrust my catch on the table and it is devoured by all.
In 1969, Alix Kates Schulman wrote a then controversial article “A Marriage Agreement,” in which she proposed that men and women share equally in child care and housework. The guiding principles of Schulman’s contract were that each member of the family has an equal right to his/her time and an equal responsibility to take care of the children and home. The contract called for a starting point of a 50-50 division of labor, with deviations and revisions as well as flexibility based on the circumstances. I wonder if we need to resurrect such agreements in 2014.
How do you divide tasks in your family? Do you think about why you have taken on certain tasks and roles? I’d love to hear from you.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Nothing in a long-term relationship is ever 50-50.I am not so sure seeking out perfect balance is going to bring one happiness and it could bring you much trouble. At any point in time, due to circumstances beyond one’s control, one partner may be required to do much more than the other. Besides that all jobs are not created equal.
Hey ogwriter, nice seeing you again. Hope you had a good holiday?
What exactly 50/50? Personally, I would much rather take the garbage out then to paint the house. I’d rather do dishes then fix the brakes on the car(s). Vacuuming is a heck of a lot easier then putting in and taking out 5 window air conditioners.
Hunting for bagels and hot chocolate. What a charming visual! Thanks for that.
I am a stay at home dad, so I take care of most things around the house. My wife gets up in the middle of the night with the baby, but I get up before everybody else and get breakfast made, lunches packed, etc. But even before I was at home most of the time, I did 90% of the cooking (not counting left overs), and taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, and fixing things. The wife did most of the cleaning (other than dishes, which we usually split duties). I think we just play to our strengths. I… Read more »
“I think we just play to our strengths.” I would agree with that. My husband is (genetically? we’re still trying to figure it out) incapable of seeing bathroom grime. (Grime located in the car, however…THAT he sees…haha.) So I used to get angry about it and even tried to wait him out to see when he would cave and clean it without having me ask him to (3+ weeks and I just finally gave in – it was so filthy I wanted to barf repeatedly.) I finally came to the conclusion that he really didn’t see it (i.e. it wasn’t… Read more »
Studies show that men who do traditionally male chores in marriage get MORE sex than men who do female trad. chores. I find that pretty interesting…
One addition, like job descriptions, there is all ways the “and other tasks as needed.” This allows an open end to what you will have to do.
Ahhhh … the 60’s. I remember the 60’s. One has to keep in mind that back then, women pretty much stayed at home and tool care of the family while dad worked. I remember there were several articles that showed the monetary value of wives and mothers. Other then rebuttals, I don’t remember similar articles on behalf of men. But that’s the kind of household I grew up in. Similar to what I will later state, I follow much of what my dad did when I was growing up. Doing girls hair? Due to an error in my judgment at… Read more »