It’s not easy for the kids when Dad is ready to date again. But it isn’t all about them.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I’ve been divorced for almost a year and I’m just getting to the point where I’m thinking about dating again. My kids (8 and 10) and I have a very close relationship and we talk about everything. But when I mentioned dating to them, instead of being happy for me, they were angry. Is there anything I can do to get them to be a little more supportive?
Close relationships between parents and their young children are wonderful for everyone. But occasionally lines can get blurred, which is exactly what happened with you. Your social life will undoubtedly affect your children—especially if you get into a serious relationship. But it sounds like you’ve given them the impression that their close relationship with you entitles them to an actual vote in the matter. It’s really none of their business. You’re their parent, not their friend, end of discussion.
Aside from the boundary issue, your children may simply not want to share you with anyone. It’s been just the three of you for a long time, and they enjoy having you all to themselves. Any time you spend with other people—whether it’s going out for a beer with a buddy or dating a woman who’s not their mother—is time you won’t be spending with them. You’re in a delicate spot here, but here are few steps you can take to get your kids on board (or at least to reduce their hostility.)
- Tell them you love them. Guys often express our love for other people by doing (and buying) things for them. But while toys are nice, children need lots of verbal and physical demonstrations that you love them and that they’re always your top priority (but not to the exclusion of everything else).
- Let them know you aren’t trying to replace their mother. Whether their mother is alive or not, no one can take her place, either in your children’s lives or their memories. They need to know that the reasons you’re going out with other women have to do with you and your needs only.
- Date on your own time. If possible, do your dating on nights when the kids aren’t around. Hiring a sitter and going out when you’re with them could make them feel that their fears of losing you are coming true.
- Don’t introduce them to your dates too soon. It’s important that you’re sure it’s a serious relationship before you bring the kids in. Before making your introduction, talk about the woman you’re seeing, let them know how much you and she enjoy being with each other and let them know you’d like to have everyone meet.
- Don’t tell them how to feel. There’s absolutely nothing you can say that’s going to make your kids love (or even like) your girlfriend before they’re ready to. What they need is time. So leave them alone and let them develop their own relationship. And never, never, tell them to call anyone “Mom” but their real mother.
- Listen to them. If they don’t like someone you’re seeing, encourage them to tell you why. You don’t have to agree, but kids are often a lot more perceptive than we are and they sometimes see things we don’t or that love (or lust) has blinded us to. When my kids were little and I was dating, I introduced them to a woman I was pretty serious about. They told me afterwards that she really didn’t like children. At first I thought they were making that up, but I started paying attention and they were absolutely right. End of relationship.
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Previously published on MrDad.com
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