With so many beautiful single women in the world, it should not be too hard to find a match. Joe Rutland really wants to believe that’s true.
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I’ve learned an important lesson in recent years. There are two types of truth: one, well, is the truth, and two, there is the blunt truth. Mind you, this is not about being dishonest at all. It falls along the lines of where and with whom to be transparent, open, honest and real.
Ah, I can hear Jack Nicholson sneering back at Tom Cruise in “A Few Good Men” right now. C’mon, you know the scene. “You can’t handle the truth!” Jack (why call him Nicholson? It’s Jack!) said in his character.
So here’s my truth and some blunt truth, too. I really do want to have a healthy, loving, intimate relationship with a woman. I do believe that I am deserving of one, too. I’ve had a few relationships in my life – not a lot and definitely not hopping from bed to bed types, either. That’s just my experience.
And I realize there are lots of online dating sites, too. I’ve met three of my four girlfriends through online sites … and all three were really special in my life. For me, though, I seem to have a 90-day timespan for intimate relationships. It never lasts past that time.
Just even writing about this seems silly and insignificant. I mean, there are so many reasons to be in a relationship. The ability to share openly with a partner, connect with her from my heart and soul, appreciate similarities and differences, grasp the concept of “going slow” when it comes to having sex, being active and athletic … and many others. Of course, there’s the flip side around not being in a relationship. I’m free, baby. I don’t have to sit around and be her “errand boy.” I have the right to be myself and not consider her wants or needs at all.
Somewhere inside me, though, is a belief (and definitely a false one) that no woman would see me as relationship material.
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From where my life is now, I see intimate relationships are a place where I can share, learn and love that special woman. Yes, the same is true for those who are looking for same-sex partners, too.
In the past year, having speed dating experiences proved to be quite interesting. Sign up and have “mini-dates” with 10-12 women in a two-hour timespan. Sometimes, people click. It happens. Out of my first speed dating whirlwind, I did get a date with a woman. We had a good time, talking and sharing … yet it only was one date and that was it.
When it comes to relationships and sex, this is one of those areas that honestly – blunt honest – scares the crap out of me. I can read articles on The Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, and other online sites that openly talk about the benefits and pitfalls of relationships. It is good stuff and allows me an opportunity to learn what differentiates between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
“Just be yourself” is a tip that I’ve read and heard a lot. OK, sounds good. Just be me. Fine. Now where’s the girlfriend? It should not be this difficult, right? Put myself out there on the online dating sites, let women know what I am looking for in a woman (and being clear … no game-playing and crap in what I want on that all-important profile), and – Bang! Zoom! – I’ll have the woman of my dreams match up with me.
Snap my fingers and call me love struck, baby.
Yet if she really knew me, then would she want to hang with me? I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. I definitely could use about 20 more pounds on my body. My clothes aren’t really GQ material.
Does that all matter, though? I big part of me says no. I’m a great conversationalist, writer, creative spirit, road cyclist, singer, blue eyes, brown hair, athletic yet slender, and keep doing my soul work each day. My affirmation around all of this is “I am a loving, caring, kind, compassionate, beautiful, handsome, sexy, healing man.”
That is me at my core. Blunt truth.
But if this is something I want bad enough in my life, then what am I willing to do? What’s my “stretch” around this subject?
I’d say part of my stretch is writing about it publicly. It doesn’t bother me to do my podcast around emotional issues for the cleft and craniofacial community. I don’t believe, in my case, that my cleft lip and cleft palate keep me from not having a lover.
I choose to believe I’m worth it.
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When it comes to sexuality and relationships, I didn’t have a lot of good role models growing up. Healthy relationships were truly foreign to my inner world until getting down and dirty with those unhealthy beliefs and feelings inside me.
Once I started facing those with the help of many men and women on a similar path toward healthy living, then the puzzle pieces started coming together. I had a different view of relationships. To me, being around healthy women and observing them do soul work has been so empowering. It’s like a voice starts welling up inside me and wants to burst out saying “Yeah honey, you keep doing that work!” Just like a cheerleader. Just like a best friend would want the greatest gifts of love, abundance, joy and bliss for their friend.
A woman that is active, athletic, has a healthy spirituality, knows there is more to the world and Universe than herself, and is willing to hold hands and share hugs and kisses on a regular basis. In time … in time, OK … we would be comfortable enough to have intimate, healthy sex. (I’m not talking about “swinging from the chandelier” type of sex here.)
Am I asking for too much?
My emotions are bouncing all around inside right now. From gratitude, joy and hope to guilt and that “not good enough” feeling … and I know that feeling is not true. I am good enough. I am worthy enough. I’m deserving of an intimate relationship.
You are, too … if that’s what you want.
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Photo: Denkrahm/Flickr
Joe,
I have recently been going through similar emotional machinations after the breakup of a relationship. The same doubts. And I find that while I believe I deserve that relationship, I’m having difficulty finding someone who is willing to jump in. At my age – I’m nearly 50 – potential partners all have baggage, and in many cases named then phobic of commitment. Funny that a guy is complaining about commitment, but there you have it. I’ve actually been posting about my thoughts on it as well. Thanks for your insights!