Dating Tips For Fat Guys

PHWOAR

PHWOAR

Sure, there are going to be some women who dismiss you immediately because of your size. But it’s actually a handy way to know who the jerks are right up front.

Every once in a while, I like to poll my readers on the NerdLove Facebook Page and on Twitter to find out what issues they feel are holding them back when it comes to dating. And the most common answer is: “I worry that I’m too fat to date.”

I’ll be honest: I’m not surprised. America’s a big country and we’re getting bigger. According to the Center for Disease Control, 69% of adults 20 years old and over are overweight and 35% are considered obese. And yet even when the number of people who are considered overweight form the majority of the population, obesity is in many ways one of the remaining acceptable prejudices. Last week, the #fatshamingweek hastag was trending on Twitter as numerous assholes and shitbags1 took to the network and decided to mock fat people – mostly women, but men too – from behind the dubious anonymity of their Twitter accounts.

Now we could dwell on the fact that these various winners are not gym-sculpted Adonnises themselves, but instead I want to focus on the positive and work on improving people’s lives instead of trying to stroke the hate-boner. Besides, the best revenge is living well and there’s nothing quite like seeing the underdog succeed despite all of his or her disadvantages.

I mean, c’mon. The cognitive dissonance alone can make people’s heads explode.

Now, I’m going to be blunt: dating can suck when you’re fat. Societal standards of beauty are not only arbitrary but often literally impossible to achieve without Photoshop and make-up and there are assholes out there who feel empowered to mock fat people with impunity. But being large and in charge doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life of being forever alone; in fact, you may find that you have far more options for finding love, sex and happiness than you’d ever believe possible.

Women Will Date Fat Men

Large dudes will frequently lament that their size automatically disqualifies them from dating – they believe that there is simply no way a woman could possibly like somebody who’s body isn’t rippled and shiny like a buttered ear of corn. Except… they totally do.

There are plenty of notable examples out there if you look around. Kevin Smith, for all of his fashion sins that I will get into in a second, is happily married with a lovely wife and daughter. Patton Oswalt, same story. Josh Gad, ditto. Seth Rogan is no Abercrombie and Fitch model but he’s also happily married.

It’s easy to forget this when the TV and magazines are showing you nothing but image after image of cut, veiny men with swimmers builds with women draped all over them like fur stoles, but women actually like a far wider range of body types than we’d think. Ask five women what their ideal male build is and you’ll get six different answers.

Take, for example, this image from a feature in the UK periodical The Sun; they flipped the script by posing ordinary men in underwear ads a la David Beckham or Christiano Ronaldo:

regular-guy-underwear

The gentleman on the left has ended up with quite the devoted female fanbase; many many women prefer large and burly even when society insists that they only like guys who look like they’re 3% body fat.

More importantly though, it’s important to remember that attraction is about more than just looks – it’s about personalitypresence and what you bring to the table. There’s no denying that looks help. But not only are they not the only factor, they’re the one that’s the most mutable.

Fat Isn’t Simple

Part of being able to accept that women will find you attractive is to understand that being fat isn’t a cut and dry issue.

Weight in the US is a loaded subject; society often equates being heavy with being lazy and/or weak-willed. Being fat is treated as a referendum on your worth as a person – people see it as an implication that you’re only fat because you simply don’t want to change badly enough. After all, if they’d just apply themselves, fat people could lose weight easily! Right? Right?

Well… not so much. Some people can lose weight without barely trying while others can exercise and diet until their eyes bleed and barely see the scale shift.

As we’ve been learning over the years, weight gain and loss is more complicated than a simple issue of “calories ingested <= calories burned”. The most obvious issue is the simple fact that not all calories are the same; otherwise people could lose weight while eating a restricted calorie diet that consisted primarily of sugar and Doritos.

They’d be suffering from scurvy in short order, but hey, at least they’d be fitting into 32 jeans, right? Do teeth really look as good as skinny feels?

The societal disdain for heavyset people is so ingrained that even people who are fat feel ashamed about who they are and that they have to apologize for some personal flaw that leaves them with the mark of Canes2 when the truth about obesity is as much about external factors as it is about food consumption.

Over the years, we have been discovering that there are innumerable other factors that affect body fat accumulation and weight gain. Many people who’ve struggled with weight-loss have been found to have Celiac disease or other gluten allergies that prevent the body from absorbing vitamins and minerals properly, sending the body into “survival mode”.

Other scientists have discovered a strong link between the chemical Bisphenol A and weight gain; BPA is found in many consumer products, including bottled water and food packaging, making it an invisible but nearly unavoidable part of our lives.  

Still more factors include the ubiquity of high-fructose corn syrup in our food, the negative side-effects from processed soy products and even just plain old genetics and evolution. Moreover, all fat people aren’t created equal; scientists have found that many people – as many as 1 in 4 – can be overweight without suffering from the health issues such as higher incidents of heart disease, high blood-pressure and type-2 diabetes. BMI is a profoundly inaccurate measure of just about everything and being skinny doesn’t guarantee good health.

Working With Your Body

The next key is simply to accept that your body is your body and your shape is your shape and there is only so much that you can do to change that.

Your overall shape is going to be controlled by your bone structure and genetics as much as is by your diet and exercise. Some people simply have long, skinny frames and will always be lean and lanky no matter how much they try to bulk up. Others are shorter and squatter and will always appear heavier.

Some people have shorter torsos and trunks, which will affect their visual proportions; a longer torso makes you look skinnier even if you’re overweight while a shorter one makes you appear wider.

Even if you do lose weight, it’s no guarantee that you’re going to look like the cover of Men’s Health; a visible six-pack is as much the result of genetics, dehydration and favorable lighting as it is eating nothing but broiled chicken breasts and steamed broccoli and five hundred crunches a day. A low-carb diet might help you lose weight, but it’s not going to change your underlying frame; if you’re naturally compact and dense, then you’re not going to jog that away.

Speaking for myself: I’m short and broad. I inherited the O’Malley shoulders and I’m naturally barrel-chested; no amount of dieting or jogging is going to make that smaller. I’m always going to look more like a beer keg than Henry Cavill no matter what I do or don’t eat.

… but there’s always going to be a line of ladies ready to tap that!

… but there’s always going to be a line of ladies ready to tap that!

 

Dressing Sharp For Larger Men

Once you accept your shape, then you can work within it.

Too many people who are concerned about their weight try to dress to conceal it, usually wearing clothes that are too big and loose. The problem is that all this does is draw attention to the fact that you’re trying to hide things – and making you look worse in the process. When you’re overweight, you’re already dealing with the stereotype of being sloppy and lazy; trying to get by in nothing but sports jerseys and relaxed-fit jeans just confirms it in the eyes of others.

You want to wear clothes that actually fit you. Even if you’re big, wearing clothes that fit properly will flatter your profile and make you look more attractive. Yes, I realize that you’re sensitive to people noticing your stomach or your nech. I realize that baggy clothes seem more comfortable. Trust me: clothes that fit right may feel odd at first but you’ll quickly start to realize how much better it feels when your clothes support you instead of trying to conceal you.

You want simple clothes that define your shape rather than just hang. Bold prints are a bad idea as they tend to draw attention to your size. You’ll do better to dress in solid, uniform colors that will unify your silhouette. Contrasting colors – a dark shirt over light pants, for example –  provide a visual break and draw attention to the lines of your body, making you look even larger.

You want fitted shirts rather than simple box-cuts; these will fit your build better instead of looking baggy and shapeless. Whenever possible, you also want a spread collar; a narrow collar will just emphasize the width of your face. Similarly, you want straight-leg jeans instead of relaxed fit and everybody wants flat-front slacks. Whenever possible, you want thinner materials; cashmere sweaters in the cold are much better suited for the larger gent rather than a chunky cardigan. Jackets – especially dark wash denim or sport coats can help provide shape and definition. Opt for three-button blazers; they lengthen your silhouette nicely and avoid pulling at your clothes. Vests are also a good idea; the V shape flatters your torso and draws attention to your chest instead of your neck or midsection, plus add a bit of natty stylishness; it’s hard to call someone sloppy when they’re wearing a sharp vest.

Larger accessories also help by keeping everything in proportion; the trend to oversized watches works in your favor here.

Now having said all that…

Eat Better and Exercise

Yes, I realize that I said earlier that diet and exercise isn’t the ticket to being skinny. This isn’t about losing weight, this is about being healthy. The average American diet is fucking horrible. We eat far too much processed food, drink far too little water and on the whole don’t get nearly enough exercise. This doesn’t just contribute to weight issues but to depression, mood-swings, digestive issues, poor sleeping habits and a weakened immune system.

Plus: eating like shit? Makes you ugly. Beyond the common junk-food boogieman of acne, a shitty diet makes your skin look sallow while your hair gets lank and brittle.

Changing up your diet is one of the easiest and best ways to improve not just your health but your skin-tone, hair, energy level and mental outlook. Whether or not you lose weight issecondary compared to the other benefits.

Ideally, you want to eat as clean as possible; that is, you want to avoid high-fructose corn syrup (which is, admittedly, difficult as hell) and all processed food and beverages, including diet sodas – my own personal vice. You also want to avoid simple and refined carbohydrates as much as possible – this includes white flour and sugar while ensuring that your diet is heavy on green leafy vegetables, lean proteins and complex carbohydrates.

It can be difficult – most processed foods are specifically designed to be addictive and salt, fat and sugar have similar effects on the brain to cocaine and heroin – but the overall results are worth it. A cheat day per week, where you allow yourself to eat what you’d like makes it easier to eat healthily  90% of the time without losing your goddamn monkey mind.

You also want to exercise more. The average American lifestyle is profoundly sedentary; we spend the better part of our lives just sitting in place when we’re designed for movement. Just as with a healthier diet, increased exercise has benefits above and beyond simple weight-loss; exercise helps release endorphins into your blood, improving your mood as well as your creative output.

Also, I’m going to be honest here: the stereotype of a fat man is someone who gets sweaty just looking at stairs and can barely walk five feet without gasping for breath and needing a break. This is unattractive under the best of circumstances, but doubly so if you’re already large. If this is you, then you definitely need to hit the gym. Being active and exercising will build up your endurance and cut down on jokes about having a heart attack from the strain of picking up your mail. Making the transition between “fat” and “Large and strong” can make all the difference in the way you see yourself.

You don’t necessarily need to hit the gym three or four times a week – forcing yourself to do exercises you hate is only going to make you quit. You just need to find activities that you enjoy that provide a cardiovascular benefit whether it’s jogging, playing sports, kayaking, bicycling, walking or studying martial arts.

You also want to be doing more weight lifting. Most people who start an exercise program tend to focus on cardiovascular exercise without including a weight training regimen, which is a mistake. Weight training acts as a booster to the benefits you gain from cardio, adding intensity to your workouts and improving the overall results. Weight-training exercises do wonders for your physical health, improving joint function, circulation and muscle tone. If you’re heavier than you’d like to be, developing more muscle helps increase your basal metabolic rate, increasing the amount of calories you burn just by being awake and semi-active.

If you lose weight, then great. But whether you do or you don’t, a proper diet and exercise will help improve your life overall, making you feel better and giving you increased confidence.

And we know how women feel about confidence

Don’t Hide Yourself

One of the common mistakes I’ve seen fat guys make is to either make excuses for their size or attempt to laugh it off by making jokes about cushioning or how much more there is for people to love. Both of these approaches are mistakes; they betray a sense of insecurity. Making jokes about your size is almost always a defense mechanism, trying to get the insult in before anybody else does to take the sting out of it… and it just calls attention to the fact that you’re big and you feel awkward about it.

The key is simply to not bring it up at all. You’re big, you know it, she knows it. Presenting yourself as though you’re simply not ashamed of yourself is far more attractive than trying to armor yourself up with jokes.

Don’t get me wrong: humor is attractive… but defensive or self-deprecating humor goes from “funny” to “really kind of pitiful” very quickly. The last thing you want to do is send off signals about how you hate yourself.

To that end: it’s important that you maintain proper body language. Big guys will tend to try to minimize themselves and hide their stomachs by slouching or curling in to not take up as much space. Standing up straight with your shoulders back will speak more to your confidence – a far more attractive trait – than constantly seeming as though you’re apologizing for existing.

Similarly: don’t hold back and try to fade into the background until someone approachesyou. A wide, genuine smile and a hearty laugh and a willingness to make conversation makes you a more appealing figure; it turns you from “who’s that fat guy” to “who’s that fun guy everyone wants to talk to?”

Don’t Sweat The Haters

Cold hard truth time: there are going to be people who are going to dislike you off the bat for being large. There will be women who roll their eyes at you for “daring” to come up to talk to them. There will be guys who try to squeeze you out by making jokes about you being huge. There will be people who are going to mock you for the temerity for thinking that you can be attractive.

That’s actually a benefit in disguise. It’s always handy when the assholes self-identify so that you know that you can safely disregard their opinions as bullshit.

Yes, it’s easy to say “grow a thicker skin” in response to the abuse that gets heaped upon you… but that doesn’t mean that it’s not necessary. There are assholes out there who live for causing other people misery. There will be days when it seems like everyone is determined to shit all over you, personally. But in the end, their opinions don’t fucking matter. They’re showing themselves to be fuckheads, so why should you gift them with the power to hurt you? Why should you care about what some fuckhead thinks?

The women who reject you are especially giving you a gift – they’re letting you know right off the bat that you don’t need to waste your time on them. Each woman who reacts badly to you is one more person you never have to think about again, giving you more time to find someone who gets you and wants what you have to offer.

Look: you’re going to get rejected. That’s part of dating. You’re going to get rejected by women you approach, even women who may like you platonically. The thing is: this happens to everyone, fat or skinny, tall or short. Even the hottest men out there get shot down – I’ve watched legendary lady killers put their best moves on women only to see them go home alone.

The answer to haters is perseverance. The answer to rejection is to try more, to date more.

There are people out there who are looking for a guy like you. Don’t make it harder for them to find you.

 

  1. Not surprisingly, started by known asshat and PUA RooshV, he of the “I can’t get laid in Denmark because SOCIALISM” fame. []
  2. CHICKEN FINGER JOKE! []

 

Originally appeared at Paging Dr. NerdLove

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About Harris O'Malley

Harris O'Malley provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove, as well as writing the occasional guest review for Spill.com and appearing on the podcast The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and Twitter (@DrNerdLove.)

Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor.

Comments

  1. I personally think A look’s better than B in example box. How many men are that airbrush perfect, and thin? Just sayin..

  2. Uh, the guy on the left in the photo is not fat.

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Harris doesn’t call him fat.

      He calls him burly. And he DOES have a hugely devoted female fan base, included me. If you see the other article on this series on GMP you’ll see like 40 comments on him, including mine. I get all tingly in behind the knees for him.

      • FlyingKal says:

        Exactly, the guy is called “large and burly”.

        So, why is he brought in as a model in an article called “Dating tips for fat guys”?

        • Joanna Schroeder says:

          I chose it as the lead photo because let me tell you what comes up when searching for a photo on open source sites when you type in “Fat guy” or “big guy” or “Husky” … It ain’t good.

          He’s using it in the middle of the piece because this guy doesn’t fit the “I’m a model” form that mainstream America wants us to believe all women want. It actually makes perfect sense.

    • agreed. that guy is not fat! he looks like he could kick guy b’s ass, too. i think guy a looks kind of hot, in heavyweight brawler kind of way.

    • I agree the man on the left isn’t fat. However, if a woman was around his size, she would most certainly be called fat.

  3. Do you have a pictoral guide to style for a TALL + large frame + overweight male?

    Btw, Seth Rogen, etc are celebrities, with money, so comparing them to the average guy earning middle to lower class levels of income won’t work. How many women will date a POOR fat man?

    • From Wikipedia, “Rogen began dating writer/actress Lauren Miller in 2004. The two met while he was working on Da Ali G Show.[10]” According to filmography, at that point he had only had small roles in Donnie Darko and Anchorman.
      Just remember, at least some celebrities found love and got married before they hit it big financially, when they were up and coming comedians and actors, which I’m sure you know is not a lavish lifestyle. (Louis C.K. is another example.)

      I can offer a little sympathy on the Tall + Large thing, though. My husband is 6’2″ (and if I recall you’ve said you’re 6’7″ or so?) and has a thick neck and long arms. Finding dress shirts for him is a major pain in the rear end, JCPenney and whatnot leave you digging through the stacks for that elusive neckline while the Big & Tall stores (do you have those in Australia?) are TOO big and tall for him.

      • …are TOO big and tall for him.

        has hubby tried altering the dress shirts himself.
        there are youtube vids that would help him, or he could see if there are low cost dress alteration shops in your area.

      • Yeah we have kingsize big n tall here, but it’s 2000km away so I have to shop online for it and it’s pretty pricey!

        Of course some fat people find love but comparing to the celebrities is a bit strange, even if they only had small roles. I’d still like to know how successful overweight men who are poor are in dating compared to more well off overweight men.

  4. I appreciate the overall message of trying to encourage fat guys to not let their fat get them, I really do.

    On the other hand your examples aren’t quite mirroring what (at least some of) these fat guys are lamenting about.

    Usually what I see when it comes to “women will date fat dudes” line of encouragement is mention celebrities and guys that the burly gentleman you have pictured above.

    I think like any group who has a hard time seeing themselves in a certain position they would like to examples that are as close to them as possible.

    The burly gentleman you have pictured doesn’t really match up to the guy that doesn’t have much in the way of musculature. The men that you name are celebrities. I wager most of the lamentations we hear about “women don’t date fat guys” isn’t coming from celebrities.

    (I guess for comparison we could say that women are/have been represented in comedy….and then name off Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Carol Burnette, Ellen DeGeneres, Kathy Griffin, and Rosanne Barr. See the issue?)

    But the rest of the post is on point especially the “Don’t Hide Yourself” point. Its really easy to want to back up against the wall and pretend not to be there (which is pretty hard to do when you’re easily the largest and tallest person in the room). When you hid the fear wins. Don’t let the fear win.

  5. I wish you had included something about these men not doing to others what has been done to them…
    I haven’t been thin since puberty, and having a baby certainly didn’t help the matter. I tend towards men who are the “physical equivalent” of myself, but I find that a lot of them are still only interested in the thinner women and then whine about no one wanting them. Yes, I know we can’t really control who we are attracted to, but just because I like looking at eye-candy doesn’t mean I want it to cuddle up to at night. If you want women to be more open-minded, then you need to practice what you preach.

    • I’ve tried to be attracted to women my size, it just didn’t work. I dunno why but I do not find overweight women appealing at all. Mind you my version of overweight is pretty damn big since I’ve been to the obese level. I am most attracted to thin and petite women, and I just have absolutely very little attraction to overweight women. Maybe it was because I was told over n over n over that fat is ugly from very young n copped a lot of bullying over it? I dunno. I don’t whinge however about not having a partner, it’s annoying but I manage. I find it more annoying that my tastes aren’t as wide as others though.

      I tried being with someone who was bigger, tried to force myself to be attracted to her and it failed miserably and because I couldn’t reciprocate the feelings…she ended up hurt. I felt horrible about it. We can’t force ourselves to like someone, can’t force attraction for people, to me it’s pretty much like trying to force myself to turn gay. Now I have friends who are thin who loveeee big women and are turned off by thin women that I find absolutely super duper hot, it’s pretty strange! It could be that I just haven’t met any bigger women with an awesome personality that I am attracted to, granted most bigger women I’ve known for some reason had quite a lot of issues (women that were single, and just the few that I’ve met, not all women) so maybe I just had bad luck and it was more personality that turned me off.

      I guess we all have tastes and they don’t have to match our own body type, I am very tall, big, cuddly but muscley, I am overweight, hairy, and I wouldn’t date someone that looked like me because I’m not gay, nor do I find lots of masculine body hair attractive. We don’t HAVE to like someone that looks exactly like us, we don’t HAVE to date people with a similar build, similar income, similar level of fat, similar “number”. I will not just “settle” for someone and end up not being that attracted to them, because that’s just wrong. I’d rather stay single n wait till I find someone I truly like so there’s less chance of people getting hurt. I do understand though as a bigger man it’s going to be much harder to find a woman who is attracted to me since society is pretty fat phobic.

  6. I really like the point of your article but take exception of the labeling of women who like a certain body type as being jerks. Would you think a woman is a jerk if she wanted a burly, teddy bear type and ignored thin or highly-muscled men?

    We all have preferences about who we are and aren’t attracted to, including preferences about physical attributes. Does that mean we are all jerks? Are some preferences shallow and others not? I don’t believe so. Just because a woman isn’t attracted to a large body type doesn’t mean she assumes he is mean, or dumb or not worthwhile. She just doesn’t feel attracted to him. How about we accept that some people aren’t attracted to other people and that is okay? Granted, it isn’t a license to be mean. But simply not being attracted to someone does not make you a jerk. Why the need to judge other people as bad if they don’t like who we are? What does that make us?

    What I hope you meant by that comment is that at least we can identify who we aren’t a match for right away…

    • You don’t become a jerk for preferring a certain body size/type. You become a jerk when you are a righteous asshole to people who are NOT in that body size/type.

      I’m one of those women who digs big guys with lots of body hair; that alone doesn’t make me a jerk. But if I were to go off on a rant about how ugly fit men are, how disgusting I find their gleaming muscles, how utterly un-sexable and repulsive they are to me, THAT would make me a jerk, especially if I said it to the face of a man who was trying to hit on me. (None of that is true, by the way! Just using examples. Though I’m ashamed to admit I did once speak that way of buff men, I’ve outgrown that kind of shaming.)

      Basically, go ahead and like what you like, be choosy, but if you don’t want to be a jerk, don’t go out of your way to denigrate that which does NOT attract you. If someone’s body disgusts you, for pete’s sake keep it to yourself.

      • I agree. Having a particular preference is just having a preference. It’s how people talk about it or use it that’s good or bad. It becomes obnoxious when people take their particular preference and spin it up into a whole big aesthetic theory and start assigning value judgments to their preferences. Like what I’ve heard a few times that men who are attracted to breasts got that way because they weren’t breastfed as babies so are missing some crucial maternal experience. WTF?

        By the same token, people should not overreact to someone who simply expresses a preference. Saying I’m attracted to A and not to B should not be taken as an attack on B. And it doesn’t mean I’m objectifying A, either, for that matter, or that I only care about A.

  7. Actually Jenni the Vast majority of men i know have little issue with a woman’s weight, it’s her health they are more concerned with physically (can she participate in the stuff i like to do), is she fun, is she sane, Does she like smooth jazz, cigars, and a few drinks (direct quote from a friend). If guys are judging you for weight ( just like if girls are judging guys for weight) then they obviously aren’t worthy, and at first this sounds like one of those “but that doesn’t get me dating now” comments, but reminder, it also keeps you from being with the wrong person when a good person comes a long. there are worse things than being alone

  8. Let me add my voice to the “he isn’t fat” crowd when looking at the underwear model on the left. I don’t know what his measurements are (and I’m not concerned), but a male plus-sized model is typically at least 6’3″ and wear an XL. Since I’m 6’3″. What you have done, in equivalent terms for female models, is compare a size 0 fashion model (male models are typically around 6′ and wear a medium) with a size 10. Average for American women is size 14, so that comparison would leave many women still feeling fat. Since average for an American man is about 5’10” and weights about 180, yielding a BMI of 26.6 or so, I have to say that the “burly” underwear model is going to just not apply to the average fat guy.

    I also take umbrage at the descriptor of “burly.” Burly means hefty, stout, etc. The underwear model is probably a bit less than average. Why not just call him average? Or “more realistic?”

    I’m glad that you pointed out that health problems can lead to weight gain, and not simply the other way around. I was a bit disappointed that you didn’t come out and say, “If you’ve been trying to lose weight, and can’t, see a doctor.” A lot of doctors are stuck on the “exercise more, eat less” routine, but lab work is a MUST for anyone who is going to up their exercise, particularly if they are carrying extra weight that might hide a health problem.

    I think your fashion advice is total crap and is designed as a one-size-fits-all approach to men with literally thousands of body sizes and shapes. I have larger-than-normal thighs for my size, a tribute to my younger days as an athlete, and I would have to buy pants two sizes bigger in straight-leg to get them over my thighs – at which point they are skin-tight on my thighs and baggy on my ass. A V-shaped ANYTHING will only draw attention to your chest rather than your belly if your belly is actually smaller than your chest. Otherwise, it looks like a three-dimensional arrow coming right at the viewer, which just makes a guy look even fatter. It’s hard to call anyone sloppy if they are wearing a “sharp ANYTHING.” A vest is NOT magical. Some look downright stupid, even if they fit.

    Really? An oversized WATCH is going to make someone not notice that I’m six-three and have a BMI over 30? Is this, by any chance, the “watch” that Flava Flav used to wear around his neck?

    @MJO – the vast majority of men that I have known would laugh at the idea of dating a size 14 or above. There are all kinds of snide remarks that are made about heavy women, and they rarely have to do with what type of music they listen to. It’s about their weight.

    @Jay Blevins – you are right. We should be able to simply be attracted to one person or the other without feeling ashamed of how we feel – and without shaming the people we are not attracted to. It really is very simple to not be a dick.

  9. My husband is 6’2″ and 285 or so pounds. There are only two things about his weight that bother me. One, that I know diabetes runs in his family and that by being overweight, his risk for developing it increases. Two, sometimes he exceeds the weight limit for certain physical activities I’d like to do together. I’ve always wanted to go ziplining but that usually maxes out at 250lbs or so. And we tried to take up indoor rockclimbing together only to find that I’m not really strong enough to be his belayer (I’m 5’5″ and somewhere in the 160-170lb range, I stopped weighing myself months ago). Neither of these things is a dealbreaker, not even close, just minor disappointments. More than made up for by the feeling of snuggling up against his large frame or feeling his weight on me when we get frisky. ^_~

    All I can say about the general women/fat/dating/marriage etc. thing is that out here in the U.S. Midwest, if people were as choosy about weight as the popular mythology would have you assume, everyone would be single and bitter. Which is to say, in my everyday life mingling with other non-celebrities, there are pLENTy of examples of average/thin women with fat men, and vice versa. Actually every combination you can imagine.

    Men, ladies, do not buy into the idea that love and sex are limited commodities. There’s more than enough to go around. Really. I promise.

    • Sex is easy. Even the picky guys will sleep with a big girl just to get their rocks off. But they aren’t going to be taking her out to dinner. And I have heard it out of many mouths: what would my friends say if they saw me with her? True, those aren’t the men I want to be with anyways, but there are 100 times more of them than the the ones who take a chance on what’s inside… even if they are in the same position.

      • Jenni, then frankly it’s those guys loss. My wife does not fit the “standard” body type, yet to me she’s the most beautiful women in the world. Why she’d pick a guy like me I’ll never understand.

        That being said, your complaint is not just something men do. I know for a fact that women do it also to men.

    • At 6’6 I can’t drive go karts unless I make one, and I’m also past the weight limit too so I can understand that. I can maybe get down to 260ish if I really work hard but any lower than that and I’ll probably have to start losing muscle tone to drop the weight.

      We’re very close to both diabetes 1 and 2 cures, there is a vaccine for type 1 and type 2 is showing major promise with gut flora being able to reverse it.

    • FlyingKal says:

      Hi KKZ,
      I’m happy that you are (mostly) happy in your relationship. I just wanted to offer some advice on the climbing issue, which in my opinion shouldn’t be a problem.

      1. I regularly see climbning partners with what seems to be 80-100 lbs weight difference. If the issue is solely that you will be lifted from the floor whenever your partner weights the rope, most climbing gyms have ring-bolts in the floor for the purpose of the belayer anchoring him/herself.

      2. If the issue is more that you’re not “strong enough to be his belayer” in the meaning that you won’t be physically able to hold on whenever your partner weights the rope, there are braking devices that have higher-than-average friction, or ways to arrange a regular device to give higher friction and braking power, that should take care of that.

      Maybe you already know and have tried this, but otherwise I think you should be able to go and at least give it a try. Wish you all the best.
      /K

  10. Lisa Foye says:

    One thing that always sticks out to me as a missing component of any discussion of weight is the fact that a person has to start somewhere. What I mean is the assumption that a fat person isn’t doing anything to not be fat. For instance, I have recently been going to the gym (daily) and eating healthier. I’ve started practicing meditation and yoga. It’s only been a few months since I’ve started working actively to lose weight, but guess what? I’m still fat! I likely will be considered fat for quite some time throughout my journey to fitness. The point is many people who fat-shame aren’t aware that perhaps the person they’re mocking has already lost 40lbs or that they’re already starting to make these improvements to their overall health. Telling men and women “of size” to work out/eat better makes the assumption that they haven’t started to do so already. “Well, because you told me to lose weight, I am going to either instantly become the most glorious physical specimen you’ve ever seen or I will hide my disgusting visage and not appear in public until I can be mistaken for a model” is the implication from such advice.

  11. This issue has been addressed in the comments to some extent, but it bears repeating. The guy on the left looks like an athlete–specifically, a linebacker or a tight end. Though he is presented by way of contrast to the underwear model, his physique is equally unattainable for many or most guys. An actual fat guy would provide a more meaningful contrast.

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  1. […] Dating Tips For Fat Guys — The Good Men Project http://goodmenproject.com/Women Will Date Fat Men. Large dudes will frequently lament that their size automatically disqualifies them from dating – they believe that there is simply no way a woman could possibly like somebody who's body isn't rippled and shiny like a buttered ear of corn. ….. Usually what I see when it comes to “women will date fat dudes” line of encouragement is mention celebrities and guys that the burly gentleman you have pictured above. I think like any group who has a … […]

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