So wait, now I’m a deadbeat dad? In what way was I trying to skip out on my child support? Is it fair for me to have shelter as well? Is there any consideration about where Dad will live with the kids when he has them?
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This is not a particularly interesting story. It’s more common than we can imagine. And it’s carried out with swift precision and support of the courts and counselors across the country. [This post is a continuation of the conversation started here: Divorce is Not About What’s Fair, Let’s Get That Straight]
I admit, I was depressed and hurting when I was “negotiating” my parenting plan and thus my divorce from the mother of my children. Right in the middle of the negotiations the counselor rightly slowed the process, as I was more and more aware that I did not want a divorce. But a divorce is what my then-wife wanted. And I learned, pretty clearly, that you cannot continue a marriage when only one partner is IN.
Okay, so the story goes along then in common fashion. Dad leaves the house moves in with family until he can get reoriented and settled in his new role. Except there’s one huge new problem. Not only does he have to look for a new home but he’s got a new debt that decreases his opportunities for re-housing. I could forget about moving back into the neighborhood my kids were growing up in. And I agreed to let my ex keep the house “for the kids.” And while that was the right decision, it did not take into account “where Dad would go.” I was sort of on my own.
It sure stripped away all my pretense of success. I have failed. I have fallen from the “owner’s” status to “living with my mom” and “deadbeat dad” all in the course of a few months.
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Okay, so I struggled with the sadness, the loss of my marriage and closest ally. And the loss of my full-time access to my kids. And the list goes on and on: the loss of my house (which we had proudly purchased on money I had gotten before my marriage); the loss of the pets (I didn’t have a place to keep them); the loss of the neighborhood and community (tennis club, pool, neighborhood friends for my kids). And essentially for about 9 months I was homeless. I was living with my sister, but had zero privacy and very few of my material possessions. They were in the garage of my old house.
The only way out of the situation for me, was to find the next BIG JOB. There was no room for self-employment or consulting if I was going to ever be able to get back into a house. And something about apartment living didn’t resonate with me or my idea of who I had become nearing my 48th year as a man.
Finally, the call came, the big job started and I went looking for a place to live. I was lucky. I had not let enough time lapse between my last big job and my new big job to damage my credit or earning power. I was able to qualify and buy a much more modest house in a nearby neighborhood. And I was happy for a bit.
Six months into the new job, the company restructured and eliminated the entire service offering I had been marketing. And with one week’s severance and no notice I was out. And guess what? I still had my mortgage and my child support payments to cover. And then I was sad for a bit, with this new challenge of faith and ability and willingness to pack in my aspirations and just take whatever job came along.
But the remarkable happened. I didn’t find the next big job. I worked my ass off, sending in resumes, networking, social media-ing (this is what I do for a living) and looking for work. And while I got some contracts and some consulting gigs I have still not been able to replace the BIG JOB income that would allow me to pay my child support AND have a place to live.
The DEAL I got, the deal that was sold to me by our impartial divorce counselor was the non-custodial parent, who sees his kids less and pays for a good deal of their expenses.
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And this is the situation with a lot of single dads who were given the same deal I got. And a lot of this I covered in my last post (Love, War, Divorce) but the thing that became apparent, when I was reading the comments on my UNFAIR post, was… This is not right.
The assumption that the non-custodial dad will bear the lion’s share of the expenses after the divorce, is simply not equitable. It’s the law. But it’s not fair. And in our case, my ex-wife got a full-time job (her first since we had gotten married) in order to divorce me, and has been able to keep mostly employed this entire time. What a blessing. And with the child support she has been able to keep the nice house in the nice neighborhood. And that’s what I want for my kids too.
The hard part is, I’m burdened by an additional $1,500 per month, even before I get to think about where I can afford to live. With 50/50 parenting it might have been more difficult for her, and thus we are stuck with a dilemma. I want what’s best for my kids over and above even my own needs or living quarters. But I do need to live somewhere. I do need to make enough money to provide food, shelter, and entertainment for my kids when they are with me. Right? It’s hard either way. Two homes is obviously more expensive than one. Where can we find the balance? Sure, I can make more and more money. And today that’s my only option.
But the real issue is, my ex-wife and I are still in this financial boat together. So when she got frustrated with my fluctuating income, and my two months of late payments of “her child support” she filed the whole issue with the Attorney General’s Office, basically threatening me with a lawsuit and (horror of horrors) completely damning my credit rating.
So wait, now I’m a deadbeat dad? In what way was I trying to skip out on my child support? Is it fair for me to have shelter as well? Is there any consideration about where Dad will live with the kids when he has them?
The DEAL I got, the deal that was sold to me by our impartial divorce counselor was the non-custodial parent, who sees his kids less and pays for a good deal of their expenses.
Okay, so I hear the women in the audience groan with each retelling of this story. And the comments on earlier posts bear this out. Women don’t want to hear how hard it is for a man to get by after divorce when his living expenses just doubled. They tell me how hard it is to be a single parent with the majority of the family duties, and very little money to do it all. But wait, that’s the DEAL they got, right? The got the TIME with the kids. So don’t complain to me about how hard that is. I was asking to do it 50/50 just like we discussed our parenting when we were imagining our first child.
I’m a 50/50 dad, but I was sold the non-custodial parent role by a system that favors mom’s in this situation about 80% of the time. And I did not want to FIGHT my ex, I was trying to fulfill a cooperative divorce agreement. We were trying to be non-confrontational. And so I got the bill and she got the kids.
This is the summer of my discontent, and something will give. And then I will give my ex-wife the money to continue in the lifestyle my kids grew up in, even though I cannot afford to live it with them.
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I don’t know what the right answer is, but 50/50 is where we should’ve started. I should not have had to fight with our well-paid counselor about how 50/50 parenting might make sense for us. And I don’t know what I’m going to do now.
The rest of the story: I lost my house. I tried to file for bankruptcy just to keep the house, and my ex-wife’s AG filing prevented that from working. And I offered to give her a secured loan agreement if she would allow me to move forward, and she threw up her hands and said, “The AG’s Office has said I cannot talk to you about money.”
Fuck. That just about put me in a bind I couldn’t get out of. But I have family here. And my family came and helped me fix up my house and sell it, for a gain. And I moved into a garage apartment on my Mom’s house. Fuck again.
As we liked to joke, “It’s better than being under the bridge.”
Yes, it is better than being under the bridge. Or throwing myself off the bridge in a fit of masculine depressive acting out.
It sure stripped away all my pretense of success. I have failed. I have fallen from the “owner’s” status to “living with my mom” and “deadbeat dad” all in the course of a few months. And this is not how it should’ve gone, nor did it need to go this way. While we are in this together, the money is another issue all together.
Fortunately, my ex-wife and I have agreed to keep the money matters out of our parenting matters. But I fear this issue is about to come to a head, before the kids return to school in the fall. And I’m not sure what my options are. I have had THREE BIG JOBS within spitting distance of an offer and all of them went to someone else. And that’s the way it goes. And I’m even looking to go back to my old BIG CORPORATE GIG where I gained 15 pounds from the grind and stress of the place.
At this point I will do anything necessary to restart my life. I am willing to pay her what she is owed, and not contest the amount, even though it is $20,000 over what she would’ve gotten had it been tied to my actual earnings over this time. But I’m in a catch 22. A: I have to find the next BIG JOB to support her payments and have a half-way descent place to live and B: I could fight for 50/50 custody and not have to pay her any additional child support payments, but then that hurts my kids as she would be pressed even harder to keep their childhood home.
Of course I lost that home a long time ago. And now I’ve lost my do-over home. And I don’t have a home. But again that’s not the point, that’s whining. My actions are what matter. I’ve got more job interviews this week, and a call back from the BIG CORP for next week. This is the summer of my discontent, and something will give. And then I will give my ex-wife the money to continue in the lifestyle my kids grew up in, even though I cannot afford to live it with them.
And I seem to be complaining, but I don’t feel defeated. I’ve had a major setback. And there were lots of factors at play. And not unlike my divorce, I didn’t get what I wanted out of the deal. But everyday I have a chance to make a new deal, set a new plan in motion, get back on the road to recovery. I’m happy I have this insight, because things have been pretty damn hard.
Thanks for listening. Keep coming back, it works if you work it. (12-step rejoinder after a hard sharing)
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
< back to The Hard Stuff
references:
- How Can I Argue for Joint Custody – DadsDivorce.com
- The Problem with Child Support Laws in Texas – Fathers for Equal Rights
- Child Custody – Facing the Statistics – Benkelaw
related posts:
- my dos equis < poem
- Love, War, Divorce: Why I’m Not Fighting My Ex-Wife About Custody
- Divorce is Not About What’s Fair, Let’s Get That Straight
- Divorce Recovery: Loving Yourself Better, So You Can Eventually Love Again
- Giving Up On Me, and Why I Still Hate What You Did
- Creative Parenting and the Gifts of Enthusiastic Participation
image: veronica lake and joel mcrea — sullivan’s travels , robert huffstutter, creative commons usage
Actually the 50/50 option was taken off the table by our therapist who should’ve been impartial. And the financial situation and economics would’ve worked out differently, but more fairly.
I’m not a men’s rights advocate, but I do understand now that it was unfair to start assuming non-custodial parent for me and child support payments for her.
We are recovering, we are doing the best we can.
It sounds like you have already recognized that 50/50 custody wouldn’t work in your case, because you couldn’t possibly afford two suitable residences. Being divorced means doing what’s best for your children, so suck it up and do it. You should have rented an apartment rather than purchase that house. Being divorced means doing what’s best for your children, so suck it up and do it. You should seriously consider taking the corporate job if it provides the income stability that your kids need. Being divorced means doing what’s best for your children… yada yada yada. You have options here… Read more »
Sorry to read yet another story about the unfairness of divorce to fathers – I must have heard several dozen similar stories and outcomes here in Washington state – a state about as corrupt as you can find when it comes to divorce with children. (Read: RIPPED APART, by Nina Shapiro. in the Seattle Weekly) My own divorce had lots in common with yours – child support, PLUS alimony, led to bankruptcy within two years and living in my minivan for two years in the woods after that, before graduating to living in a horse barn. I never was late… Read more »
Men need to realize that marriage has become a rigged game, and the odds are not in their favor. Especially the younger ones still in high school. My generation simply swallowed the lie that our
only purpose was to be husbands and fathers and provide till we died.
Child support is for the child (hence the name) and the default for custody of the kids should always be 50/50. That is what’s best for the kids. The finances should be arranged to accommodate that premise and provide for the kids needs. Every effort should be made to make sure the kids spend equal time with both parents. That is what is best for them and they didn’t ask for the divorce. Post divorce everyone has to adjust and that means both parents have to find ways to be self sufficient and stand on their own two feet, making… Read more »
Thank You Tom. Very nice words of wisdom. I get it. I’ve taken the bullets for the family before. And I’m contemplating what 50/50 would mean for my ex, as well. I want my kids in their house and in the school district we’ve worked so hard to keep them in. BUT… I also want a life for me. I am recovering from the latest blow to my ego, career, and mental stability. I’m fine, strong, and healthy. But as I get healthy, I start wondering if I should be paying so much money, when I’m doing almost half the… Read more »
Off, I really feel for ya and all I can do is give you some words of my wisdom through various events in my life. My kids are grown and out of the house. When they were growing up, although we didn’t have as much as our neighborhood peers, they pretty much had what they needed and some times what they wanted. I was hung up on the material things for a while including a lucrative career with all the perks. At age 41 and recuperating from a quintuple bypass, things changed. A few years later II changed careers and… Read more »
If memory serves you didn’t want the divorce, but she insisted. IMHO this is on her and although you’ve done the “Noble” thing and tried to think of her and the kids whatever happens to her is quite frankly on her. She brought this mess down on your family, for whatever reason. I know a woman who divorced a verbally abusive husband to keep the relationship from getting physically abusive (where she thought it was headed). She didn’t make him pay child support and now she’s suffering. He has since married another with more kids of her own and now… Read more »
I don’t want to sound selfish here but I have concerns for the mental and physical well being of the many dads who are in your situations. My concern is that although true that the kids are most important, that focusing on dad sounds selfish. So here is one way of looking at this and I’ve used this example with many of the kids I’ve worked with where they have found that they are going to be dads and accordingly, they want to leave treatment so that they can take care of their kids. (I know, run on sentence) Dad,… Read more »
Child support is one thing, but taking alimony on top of that means that woman is not a functioning adult, but a child who is unable to bear their share of the responsibility. Equality means that both people share the burden. No one gets a free ride.
The situation is painful. I didn’t know what I was giving up when I agreed to something less than 50/50. And our trusted counselor told us it was best. I do have two great kids to point to, who have thrived in spite of the divorce. And I have stayed very close and connected with them. But the money issues came to a head when I was explaining that I would be “late.” Just late. I wasn’t trying to opt-out. But she brought the full force of the court on me, which made things a bit more difficult for me,… Read more »
The situation is painful. I didn’t know what I was giving up when I agreed to something less than 50/50. And our trusted counselor told us it was best. I do have two great kids to point to, who have thrived in spite of the divorce. And I have stayed very close and connected with them. But the money issues came to a head when I was explaining that I would be “late.” Just late. I wasn’t trying to opt-out. But she brought the full force of the court on me, which made things a bit more difficult for me,… Read more »
As the child of a mother who supported 5 children with NO child support from my father, you would think I’d have little sympathy for fathers in situations like this, but this makes me ANGRY! As a feminist, I would like to think that we’re working toward a better world for BOTH men and women, fathers and mothers. I hate what’s happened to fathers who now feel they have to lash out at ALL women when in reality it’s a system that is so broken and serves nobody – least of all the children. What sense does it make to… Read more »
Thank you so much, Joy!
” What sense does it make to drive a father into the ground so he CAN’T keep his commitments.”
Exactly my thought. Question is, who benefits from this, where does the incentive come from?
The purpose of the child support system is to punish the non-custodial parent, mostly fathers. People in the system might try to tell you differently, but after the “deadbeat dad” hysteria a couple decades ago, the draconian laws out in place and the social pressure felt by child support agencies mean it’s about punishment. I witnessed a case in which the father was in prison, but the court and agency did not want to reduce his support obligation, despite the fact that he had no income. That would leave him with such enormous arrearages by the end of his term… Read more »
I’m happily married. If I lose my job the whole family tightens it’s belt. If I was divorced the courts could throw me in jail for the exact same circumstance. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to deal with.
“Deadbeat Dad Doesn’t Strike Back”
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He’s got nothing to strike back with, except his white, male, cisgender privilege. That and two bucks will buy him a cup of coffee.
And that, dear readers, is exactly why men need a Men’s Rights Movement.
Fact: You worked for that house, it’s yours, not hers. You need to live life for yourself and do 50/50. Negotiate with her explaining your circumstances and if she won’t accept lower payments, then fight for your rights. She had all the autonomy from day one over whether to have a child, regardless of whether that was a joint decision between you or not; therefore, fair is fair. You should 50/50 everything and let her earn that house, not just give it to her for “the kids’ sake” regardless of how much of a guilt trip she tries to put… Read more »
very well said Martyn.
“and I hate the conservative party.” I’m not sure what this has to do with anything. Taxing “child support” does nothing but harm the “kids” in that they lose what is due them. “Child support” is for the “child.” Screw the taxes, make it more equitable for the dad who is paying the support.
Agreed. Taxing isn’t going to make anything equitable. All it will do is help the government steal from the mouths and backs of kids.
@ Tom Brechlin @ Danny
I may be misinterpreting this, but it’s my understanding that the person who earns the money pays tax on it, not the person who actually gets to spend the money. I think that the suggestion isn’t just that child support income get taxed, but that the person paying it can claim a deduction on it.