A parent turns to ‘Dear Dad’ for advice on how to explain ‘little white lies’ to children.
—
As parents, we tell our kids from birth how important honesty is. What do you do when your kids get old enough to realize you’re lying to them? How do you explain the difference between little white lies and bold faced lies?
◊♦◊
Dear ‘That shirt looks great on you’,
I have to say this was the best tuna and grape jelly casserole I’ve ever tasted; and, of course those pants don’t make you look fat! While I can’t see your shirt, pants, nor have I ever tasted a tuna grape jelly casserole, I know that most of the time this is how I will answer questions of this nature. Why? Am I a liar? Do I outright want to be deceitful and give false hope that you’ve concocted the next great culinary or fashion trend – or is it that I am a polite and tactful person?
Our twins recently turned seven, which is apparently the age that using “air quotes” makes sense. We showed up to dinner at my mother’s home 20 minutes late (as we habitually are) and as I apologized for our tardiness, one of my girls air quoted “traffic” as being the cause for our delay. I was glad this happened with my mother, as we all had a good laugh – and then sat down for a talk about tact and politeness.
My 11 year old daughter seemed to follow our discussion on fibs/little white lies, while the twins did not understand why it is never acceptable to lie, unless you are telling your mother-in-law that you think it is absolutely wonderful that she boils lamb shanks, veal shanks, and braciola in her spaghetti sauce (which actually tastes quite wonderful, sans my aversion to any meat cooked on the bone). I brainstormed a bit, and realized that the best way to explain these often necessary untruths was to explain it in the simplest of terms.
I went on to explain that there are some harmless untruths – such as how someone looks or how something someone made tastes – that are acceptable because one is sparing another’s feelings. If a truth will unnecessarily hurt someone if pointed out, it is sometimes more correct to be polite than to be brutally honest.
|
My advice is to advise your children that they should always tell the truth about important things. I explained to my girls that if there is ever a situation in which someone could get hurt, was hurt, or where not telling the truth could lead to greater consequences, they need to run and not walk and report what happened. Our family has a ‘no secrets’ policy, and if anyone ever tells them to keep a secret, they know the first thing they do is immediately report it to my wife and me.
I went on to explain that there are some harmless untruths – such as how someone looks or how something someone made tastes – that are acceptable because one is sparing another’s feelings. If a truth will unnecessarily hurt someone if pointed out, it is sometimes more correct to be polite than to be brutally honest.
The girls seemed to process what I explained to them, and later one of them grabbed my stomach in the pool and chuckled: “flabby.” It is an ongoing discussion we will have with our children, and this subject is one of the more difficult parts of parenting. I wish you luck in explaining this to your kids, as I cross my fingers that my wife and I are doing the right thing and doing it well enough.
◊♦◊
‘Little white lies’ are told every single day by most people (who in my opinion are tactful and polite). What do you tell your children about the difference between a little white lie and lying?
—
Photo: flickr/North Charleston/Ryan Johnson
Originally appeared on Dear Dad
If that made you happy, you might like a daily dose of Good Men Project awesomeness delivered straight to your inbox. Once a day or once a week, your choice. Join our mailing list here.