Dear John addresses a boring sex life, the “friend zone”, and when to tell your friend about their significant other’s infidelity.
This article originally appeared at GoLocalProv.com.
Dear John,
I love my girlfriend, but she is terrible at sex. We don’t like any of the same positions, and 90% of the time I’m doing all the work. I do everything I can to please her, but when it’s my turn I get complaining and if I’m lucky a lackadaisical effort. I’ve tried talking to her, but it always ends badly. Our relationship is so good otherwise, so what should I do because I don’t want this to ruin it?
Signed,
Frustrated Guy
Dear Frustrated,
Your problem isn’t your girlfriend’s lack of imagination and enthusiasm as much as her unwillingness to work on this. It goes without saying that no one should be pressured into doing things they’re not comfortable doing, but it doesn’t sound like you’re asking her to learn how to use a trapeze. Every couple should be able to come up with a sexual repertoire they both find completely enjoyable, and finding out what those things are should be fun. Sometimes it’s effortless and sometimes it takes a little work, but it’s not something that should be met with complaints. If you value this relationship, I think you should really consider couples’ counseling. Sexual compatibility is a big deal, and if she won’t even try to work with you on this, you should take a close look at whether that’s something you can live with. I have a feeling it’s not.
Dear John,
I’m a young man (very young) and I love this wonderful girl but there’s a slight problem—she is way out of my league and she’s my best friend! I’m scared to ask her out and I don’t want to wreck our relationship because we have spent so much time building it up … but I realized I have stronger feelings then ever before for her but am still clueless about what I should do. Please help me!
Sincerely,
Lover Boy
Dear Lover,
I think you should tell your friend how you feel about her, but I also think you should steel yourself for a disappointing—even devastating—response.
I’m pessimistic this will go the way you so desperately hope it will simply because if your friend had similar feelings for you, you’d know by now. So why tell her? Why not just let things stay the way they are? A couple of reasons.
First, things won’t stay the way they are whether you want them to or not. What happens when she gets a boyfriend? You’ll become distant because it’s too painful, she’ll ask why you haven’t been around, you’ll give her some vague made-up reason, and your friendship will suffer anyway.
And besides, you shouldn’t get into the habit of suppressing or denying your feelings just to avoid the risk of pain. Sometimes you have to take a chance. It won’t go your way every time or even most times, and as a man who has been on the receiving end of “no” in eight languages, I understand how much it hurts. But eventually, those same qualities that make you such a great friend will also make you a great boyfriend to the right girl.
Dear John,
One of my best buddies has been dating a girl for about a year and a half. She’s a really cool girl and has become one of my best female friends. This was great for a while, but now my buddy is cheating on her (not just once). She’s beginning to become suspicious and I don’t want to have to lie to her, but I also don’t want to ruin my friendship with my buddy. I’d rather stay out of it, but what should I do if she starts pressuring me for answers or at what point do I need to say something to her?
Sincerely,
Torn Friend
Dear Torn,
You are not ruining your friendship with your buddy. If he is expecting you to lie to another friend just to make it easy for him to act like a selfish jerk, then he’s ruining it, not you.
So don’t do it. I think your first instinct is right: stay out of it. But if she asks you point blank what’s going on, you should simply say that you don’t want to get caught in the middle of two friends’ relationship and if she has any questions, she should direct them to her boyfriend, not you. Likewise, if your buddy expects you to do anything to facilitate his philandering, tell him to leave you out of it. If he expects his friends to cover for him like that, he should start looking for a lower class of friend.
You may also enjoy: Dear John: His Low Libido Is Bringing Her Down
Photo credit: Flickr / denharsh
‘ I love my girlfriend, but she is terrible at sex. We don’t like any of the same positions, and 90% of the time I’m doing all the work. I do everything I can to please her, but when it’s my turn I get complaining and if I’m lucky a lackadaisical effort. I’ve tried talking to her, but it always ends badly. Our relationship is so good otherwise, so what should I do because I don’t want this to ruin it? ‘ Find another girlfriend. You two are incompatible sexually, so stop wasting time. If you want to keep her… Read more »
I guess I’m most interested in what the experience level in the sexual department the first letter writer and his girlfriend had prior to their relationship. As noted above by Sarah, seriously not a single position in common? And when we say she won’t talk about it… what does that mean? Does that mean when you don’t get what you want you fight about it? Or has an honest to goodness discussion taken place. There could be any number of reasons for what’s going on with her. But I, too, think the letter was entirely too vague to really give… Read more »
First letter – Dump her. It’s not going to get any better. You tried talking and it ended badly. Hiring an expensive counselor will result in more talking, less money, and the sex won’t get any better. Second letter – You’ve got “oneitis” and you’re in the FriendZone with this woman. Go ahead, open up your feelings. She’ll pour salt in the open wound but she will be nice about it. Find another girl. Or, quit your job to get away from her so you can forget her more easily. Third letter – Good male friends are to be kept… Read more »
Help me out here. How is lying to a non-cheating friend to protect a cheating friend simply because he’s male (and therefore awesome!) and she’s female (and therefore disposable) being a good person?
Wow, that’s really sexist. A male’s friendship is worth more than a female’s? A female is disposable? Regardless of whether it’s a good idea to say anything about the cheating (which it probably isn’t), that’s a really cruel thing to put out there.
Well said, Kirsten.
Hear hear!
First off, I’ll preface by saying I think it was a silly thing to say and believe lying to anyone is ultimately wrong and any friend expecting you to do so isn’t a friend. However, in his defence – I presume he was looking at this from the viewpoint that the girl in this scenario is in fact the friends girlfriend and hence will leave the friendship once the relationship ends. This has happened often in my past; my male friend has a girlfriend, I become friends with her, they break up – she moves on and I lose a… Read more »
I don’t really understand the first LW’s complaint “we don’t like any of the same positions” — I mean, not ANY? How many positions are there, really? Yes there are many subtle variations but essentially you’ve got missionary, woman-on-top, and doggie style. And, I guess, spooning. Not including oral sex positions. So are you saying “she only likes missionary and I only like doggie style”, or what? Do you only like really awkward, advanced Kama sutra positions and she doesn’t, or visa versa? By “when it’s her turn” do you mean you want more enthusiastic blow jobs, or what? It’s… Read more »
Short comment about positions and my own most recent experiences:
I’m not very fond of the missionary myself, it’s small annoyances that stack up.
She didn’t like to sit on top because she had knee problems and couldn’t move around the way she wanted to, and she also didn’t like the doggy because she felt vulnarable and wasn’t comfortable in exposing her rear like that.
I admit I like missionary best for a totally selfish reason – I usually can get an orgasm that way, but it’s much more difficult when I ‘m on top, and impossible doggy style. But, it sure gets boring to do it the same way every time!
Personally, I prefer any position that leaves my hands free to fondle her body (and esp. her clit… 😉 )
And, also boring to do it the same way every time! Thank you.
Dear Lover Boy with the crush on the best friend, I’ve been on the other side of this dynamic a few times, so let me provide some insight. If you express your interest in making things physical, she says no, and you’re still willing to be friends, she’ll be OK. If you express your interest in making things physical, she says no, and you then say that you can’t continue the friendship, you will crush her soul somewhat, and the pain will stay with her and make her generally less trusting of men. Every time a male friend ditched me… Read more »
Hear, hear!
Relatedly, one of the nicest things a guy has every said to me was a friend who told me “I hang out with you because I enjoy your company. I’m not attracted to you, but I can see why someone would be.”
Do you really think that physical intimacy is the only difference between a friendship and love? That the only aspect of men’s love is getting access to a woman’s body?
I for one know that my spiritual and emotional connection with my wife is deeper and much more profound than those I’ve had in any friendship I’ve had with either genders. Love is not friendship with fucking in my view.
Are you saying that your friendships don’t involve any love? If so, you have my sympathies. That would be a very lonely way to live. Do you really feel love only for the person you have sex with, and for your family, but not for your friends?
I obviously failed to convey my meaning. English is my second language and in my native language we don’t really use the same word for the love between friends and the love between romantically involved partners. Hence I did not intend to imply that there is no love involved in friendships. What I meant is that there a larger difference between the love I have for my wife and the love I have for my friends besides the fact that I am having sex with my wife. My wife is not a friend I happen to fuck. I commit to… Read more »
Here’s another way of phrasing it. Do you believe it’s possible to love your biological family without incest? If so, then why isn’t it possible to have a close friendship with a women without things getting physical, and treat her like a sister?
It is possible…I have had this once. But ONLY once. No other relationship with a woman has come close to that one with the exception of girlfriends. I also think that in most cases no girl is going to be that good of a friend. H She was always there for me. If she was busy and I needed her she would put down everything and come to me. Whenever I needed her she was there. And I always knew she really cared for me. So I loved her and I knew with her I could be her friend and… Read more »
“Yes” and “Yes, it’s definitively possible” to your questions.
Let me ask you one back:
Are the love you feel for your S.O. of the same nature as the one you feel for your brother if you subtract the pure physical part from your relationship with your S.O.?
Unfortunately I’ve never had an S.O. be as kind and respectful as my brother, so no, not the same. It’s been easier to feel comfortable and accepted as I am around siblings and long-term friends than around boyfriends. I’ve actually felt more emotionally close to a couple of guys friends who’ve been like brothers (who turned to be willing to be friends without it being physical) and to family than to S.O.s – not because I didn’t want that intimacy with S.O.s, but because the guys I’ve dated seemed to need to be simultaneously distant and controlling – basically, crappy… Read more »
I am sorry for yur bad luck and wish you better luck in the future.
I guess I should feel even more lucky than I already do.
So this rather bothers me, you instantly make it about your body as though that is some negative thing. Which in turn makes it appear that your outlook on all your romantic relationships with men is negative, as clearly they only want your body and wanting bodies is bad. I understand what you later said – regarding love within families, but I think you are taking the loss of your friendship badly and imposing a false guilt on your ex-friends. Being turned down by someone you care for, share things with or love is hard and for some – rejection… Read more »
On the opposite end of the scale, I had a friend crush a bit of my soul when she totally out of the blue told me that “I hope you don’t have a (romantic) interest in me”!
She was a very smart, funny, warm person that was just uplifting to be around, and I was very happy to be her good friend.
Now, it just made me wonder what part of me was so revolting that she felt she had to turn me down in advance, just as a precaution.
Now, it just made me wonder what part of me was so revolting that she felt she had to turn me down in advance, just as a precaution. It likely had nothing to do with you being ‘revolting’—it could have just been just an insurance policy. Girls who have male friends are often accused of leading them on, friend-zoning, teasing, attention whoring, etc..if the relationship never gets physical. They’re often told to be upfront, regardless of how cruel—to not waste the guy’s time and to not be a bitch. Sometimes she might not even be sure about her interest in… Read more »
It likely had nothing to do with you being ‘revolting’—it could have just been just an insurance policy. Well, neither you nor I know that for sure. The real downer was not that she dismissed me, but the way she put the emphasis on “I hope“… Like, the guy is so unattractive that just being a “target” of any kind of interest from his side would just be deadly embarrassing. The end of your post doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. If she’s not sure about her own intentions (regarding a guy she’s known for a couple of… Read more »
Also, she had quite a lot of other male friends. Or rather, we were a group of friends that were pretty close. And “confessing” to a couple of the others (because they wondered why I was so gloomy) they thought it was pretty odd behaviour from her side.
And it wasn’t like she sugared the blow, like, listed any redeeming qualities on my part. So whatever her intentions were, to me it just said that she wasn’t comfortable in my company, and maybe never had been.
I’m sorry for my string of comments, I just want to add some info about what happened, cause I think it’s relevant to the discussion. We were in our mid-20’s, having known each other for maybe 2 years. Hanging out, going to the gym together, doing 10-hour sessions of Mario Cart at her place, etc. A group of us were having dinner at a friend’s place. I didn’t say much that evening, don’t remember why exactly. Cleaning up afterthe meal, I ran into her in the kitchen, and on her way out she said the “I hope you’re no interested!”,… Read more »
Seems like it would have been good to ask her directly within that time period…hey, why the heck did you say that…We’re just friends and I like being your friend. Instead (and I suppose this happens to all of us at one time or another), you backed off with assumptions in your mind, didn’t get info and then perhaps she too had her assumptions falsely confirmed. She didn’t lead with good compassionate communication (hey, let’s talk about our friendship) and then you didn’t feel safe examining the conflict because of that. I’m sorry that happened to you and it seems… Read more »
Yes, of course I should have asked her. But with low self esteem and a tendency to turn criticism inwards, I didn’t. And as I said, it’s not always easy to come up with the right thing to say at the right time. Especially not when being “falsely accused” so to speak, because then you are kinda caought off-guard. (I’m a little suspicious to people who always say the right thing. Sometimes it’s like they expected something and rehearsed for it…) And yes, we probably both had our assumptions falsely confirmed. That’s why i wrote in the first place, about… Read more »
John, this is Dear Abby ;o) and I think these three pieces of advice are fantastic. Re Frustrated guy, we all need to start taking responsibility for our own needs… including our sexual needs. Yes, this might mean that girlfriend will have to go. Sex we are satisfied with is a legitimate need just like any other. If she’s not reciprocating it would be surprising if other areas of the relationship are really that wonderful under an objective lense. He made himself emotionally available to her by telling her he had needs that weren’t being met. If that ended badly,… Read more »
Abby, THANK YOU for your experienced comment. There are some of us men who have asked for intimacy along with sex…yes, I said intimacy. Without intimacy…well, sex can be had with anyone. In my situation, her issue is that she ‘suffers from constant pain in her body.’ Unfortunately, hearing this same excuse and NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT (including following doctor’s recommendations)…well, it becomes a really trying situation. I know I will be crucified by women for this comment, but I’m at the point where I’m beginning to justify cheating in my head. What compounds the issue is that she… Read more »
Huh, your more detailed explanation brings to my mind the possibility that she may have been sexually abused or assaulted in the past. She might not even remember it, or she remembers it in a distorted way that makes it hard for her to understand/accept what really happened, or she remembers it fully but is ashamed of it – which (being ashamed) is common for victims of sexual abuse/assault. I hope this is not the case but if it is you need to be patient with her, do research online to see how she might be feeling, and not pressure… Read more »
Summer, I’ve never considered that option – huh! I’m intrigued! Promise to do more research and be more understanding…thank you Summer!!!
In the case of Frustrated Guy, it’s extremely likely they BOTH need to change what they’re doing. Arguing over whether it’s all his fault for not being good enough or all her fault for not trying hard enough is pointless. It takes (at least) two to ruin a sex life. He needs to talk to her about his perception but not turn it into accusations. Tell her about what he’s sensing and what the experience feels like for him, make some requests of her, and ask what he can do to make it better for her as well. I’ve been… Read more »
Hahaha! There are a few that turn up over and over, aren’t there!
It’s not just us – a few weeks ago Newsweek ran a cover that used the identical stock photo used by The Atlantic a year or so before.
I remember this photo specifically because I remember responding to it with the question, “what if she WAS worth it?”
A resounding “YES!!!” in red spraypaint underneath would kinda turn the table, wouldn’t it? 😉
If it were my car, I’d paint over the word “hope,” keep the rest, and drive it with pride.
Dear John, I disagree with you on the first case, especially your off-the-cuff trapeze insult to the girlfriend. Having different preferences does not make someone, male or female, “terrible at sex.” It just makes it a terrible idea for *you* to have sex *with* them. Frustrated Guy, you say you “do everything” to please her, but have you ever actually …. pleased her? That might be a source of resentment and her “lackadaisical effort.” Just a thought. Sexual incompatibility doesn’t make either of you bad lovers – but do you at least enjoy eating with this girl? Because as Chris… Read more »
I agree that he needs to be called out on the “terrible at sex” thing. It takes two. I get glowing compliments on my kissing if it’s someone I’ve got the hots for, and a couple of times have gotten huge criticism on my “skill” after getting kissed by someone annoying who I wasn’t all that into. Dude, the way I went all stiff and was pulling away wasn’t a skill issue – it was a “you get on my nerves all the time and thus fail to turn me on” issue.
Jen: “it was a “you get on my nerves all the time and thus fail to turn me on” issue.”
Fair enough.
But, if that’s her case, shouldn’t she tell him where the problem lies?
It looks like she didn’t, so he can just guess.
Yes, I totally agree that she should be telling him, and if she’s not then that’s a big problem she needs to work on and if it can’t be fixed it’s a reasonable motivation for ending things. I just object to the problem not being called what it is. It’s not a lack of skill at physical sex acts, it’s a lack of skill at communicating about sex, or possible a lack of communication about something else that’s causing frustration. Once that’s acknowledged, there’s much more chance of fixing the issue. This distinction actually screws men over more commonly, because… Read more »
So true! The “good in bed” expectation makes men so self-conscious and faux-bravado cocky – and generally screws over menfolk and womenfolk alike. I’ve actually had a dude verbally rebut me when I told him what I liked – as if we were in high school debate! lol It would be so much better if the general expectation was to treat each partner as if it was the first time for both of you.
when really to be good in bed all men need to do is communicate with a woman and ask what she likes (since we all like different things), and be willing to engage in some of those things.
Really? That’s all MEN need to do?
Shouldn’t that be going both ways, as in, the woman also asking the man what he likes, and be willing to engage in some of those things? Sounds to me that’s not happening in this case.
You didn’t read my comment too closely, did you? like in the parts where I said that the woman does need to communicate. The reason I mentioned men was because I was addressing how the unfair “good in bed” pressure is usually worse for men. But hey, if you wanna argue even though we actually totally agree, then have fun.
@Jen: I just object to the problem not being called what it is. It’s not a lack of skill at physical sex acts, it’s a lack of skill at communicating about sex, or possible a lack of communication about something else that’s causing frustration. Once that’s acknowledged, there’s much more chance of fixing the issue. And you know what the problem is? You may be right. But there’s also a lot of people (be they male, female or anywhere in between) who do not know their own bodies and their “pleasure spots” very well, and who are also not very… Read more »
Wow, a parrot!
Dear John,
I quite disagree with you on the first case. If you don´t manage to open up your woman in the bed you must be a lousy lover. I can imagine that indeed makes one a “frustrated guy”. Unfortunately there is a lot of misunderstanding about female sexuality with both men and women. Dropping your partner just like that is not a solution. Need to work on that frustration first
That’s great advice! How many times have you been able to “open up your woman in the bed”? I hear they’re all the same, anyway. They all look the same to me!
I hope you’re the boy named Sue and we’re both being sarcastic.
@Sue: “If you don´t manage to open up your woman in the bed you must be a lousy lover.”
Oh, so it’s positively, assuredly, totally and unmistakably the man’s fault, right? 🙄
I must have already heard this one before… 😎
To me (and I would think the same even not knowing their genders), it sounds like the writer cares about the other partner way more than the other partner does. Or, the other partner has issues about sexuality (complaining and lukewarm is the best she can do?).
“If you don´t manage to open up your woman in the bed you must be a lousy lover. ”
Sue, SHE is the only one who is responsable for her own sexuality. He can help. but in the end its all up to her. If she refuse to open up (if there is such thing) then it is better for him to leave. Better doing it now, rather than suffer for xxx years.