I appreciate the effort to save our feelings, but we will be OK. Really.
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Questions for the men:
Have you ever found yourself sincerely trying to respect a woman’s feelings by breaking things off kindly, only to find that she just will not take the hint?
Do you get frustrated because you truly don’t want to hurt her feelings, but after so many attempts to let her down gently you have to either “ghost” her altogether or say something really blunt?
Have the above experiences left you feeling like women are just “whacked” and believe whatever they want to believe no matter what they say?
I’d like to help you out. Please allow me.
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I’ve always found it fun to hang out as the only woman in a group of guys. They tend to forget there is a female in their midst and speak freely, during which time I learn about how they view and interact with women.
Have you ever found yourself sincerely trying to respect a woman’s feelings by breaking things off kindly, only to find that she just will not take the hint?
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Over many such hang outs and conversations with male friends I noticed a particular behavior many of men practice that not only frustrates the women they are involved with, but causes the men themselves great stress and confusion. The practice of trying to end things with a woman in such a way as to make her feel she did nothing wrong.
Here is a real life story to illustrate what I mean.
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On one occasion I went over to one of my best guy friends place to hang out right after he returned home from ending things with a woman he had been seeing for a few months. When I got to his place he was in a state of near panic because 2 hours after he told her, in person, that they were done, she was still texting him a mile a minute.
She asked questions about what she could do to be there for him. She begged him to give their obvious connection another chance. She tried desperately to be empathetic and respectful and caring.
Women are not crazy. Women are not easily broken. No matter how excited about you she was, finding out you aren’t feeling it will not be her undoing.
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I asked him what it was specifically that he had told her, and he explained. He is divorced dad of a beautiful child and had recently moved to this area from another state. Rather than explaining anything specific to himself and the woman in question, he had told her he was feeling down, missing his child, and that it wasn’t her, it just was his current situation.
I explained that of course she was still texting if that was what he said. He gave her the perfect opening to want to fix it all for him and be his heroine (read true love forever and ever and ever).
His phone kept buzzing. In utter exasperation he tossed it to me and told me to deal with it. So I did.
I wrote the following to her as though I were him:
“OK, I have to just be honest with you. I think you are really beautiful and a fantastic person and I really just didn’t want to hurt you. The truth is, I am just not feeling a real connection between us.”
She paused a few moments longer than she had been between texts, then wrote back, “I thought you said it was because you were feeling sad. That wasn’t true?”
I wrote back, “No. I am so sorry I wasn’t truthful. I was trying to be kind, but I realized I was only confusing you. I’m am just not feeling a connection between us.”
She asked another question. I gave another plain and simple response.
She replied, “I feel like I’m talking to another person right now.” Women are smart.
What she didn’t do was keep fighting the break up. She thanked me for my honesty, and it was done.
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There is a reason that “He’s just not that into you” became such a popular phrase a while back. I honestly believe that men who try to break it to women “gently” are trying to be gentleman. They are trying to be respectful and nice.
You guys don’t need to try to be anything except your honest selves.
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You guys don’t need to try to be anything except your honest selves.
Women are not crazy. Women are not easily broken. No matter how excited about you she was, finding out you aren’t feeling it will not be her undoing.
The simple truth: you guys are make ending things so much harder than they have to be. All you really need to do is trust us. We are big girls. We can handle it.
Or you can always just have me text her for you. That was pretty fun.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Flickr/4oPuXs
I think part of it is not wanting to hurt someones feelings. Part of it might be I don’t want to be there when I hurt her feelings because I don’t want to deal with the consequences. I don’t even mean necessarily violent consequences. In my younger kick boxing days if you asked me whether I’d rather have a girl friend tee off physically for a minute or verbally for a couple hours, I’d probably say swing away. In a minute, I’d be enjoying a cold beverage and watching a ball game and be no worse the wear. If we… Read more »
@ John Anderson,
“I don’t feel a connection. OK. that would be one thing,…”
Then WHY are you dating her in the first place?
@ Jules
Sorry that didn’t translate well. It’s supposed to indicate a conversation.
Me: I don’t feel a connection.
Her: OK
If it was that easy, I think men would do it more. I think part of the problem is that the woman usually wants some type of explanation as to why that is, what she did, etc. If the guy doesn’t communicate well to begin with, he might be trying to avoid that conversation.
Maybe I am just strange or odd….. But, I just cannot understand how someone is dating a woman for a few months and “I’m am just not feeling a connection between us”. What was there to initially start dating in the first place? I am not a casual dating man or serial monogamist type. So, to me either I find someone likable or I do not. If I do then there is a “connection” if she likes me back. Sounds pretty simple to me. It just seems to me that people just go from person to person….then when they grow… Read more »
Jules:
You are making way too many assumptions, way too many. And I hop[e you are not being a bit self-righteous here. How about accepting that he discovered after a few months that he felt no real connection? For example, one may think that one has a connection only to discover later on that it was not the case. There are many variable at paly here.
Correct. If memory serves me, it had been a few months but they weren’t seeing each other on a daily basis. He was really trying to give their potential a chance and see if something lasting could develop. He liked her, but realized he just was not going to truly fall in love with her. Entirely honorable intentions from beginning to end. That is really my point. Clear communication of honest and honorable intentions are always the way to go. If the other person can’t handle the truth, they merely confirm that they were not the right fit for you… Read more »