Man-shaming your sex life is alive and well in our culture. But you don’t have to listen to it.
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Although it is never talked about much in the current culture, the fact is that everyone assumes that young men are always primed and ready for sex, and that to be a real man you must always want sex with any female who offers it who does not completely repulse you.
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Although it is never talked about much in the current culture, the fact is that everyone assumes that young men are always primed and ready for sex, and that to be a real man you must always want sex with any female who offers it who does not completely repulse you.
I have over the years talked to many men who admitted to being pressured into sex they thought they were supposed to want but did not. Sometimes it was with a regular partner who would not take “no” for an answer, but often it was from parties and other things you find in hookup culture that they never wanted to really be part of.
More than once I’ve had a man say to me “I didn’t really know I could say no.”
You don’t have to have sex with anybody until you feel like it. In fact, you can decide you never want sex with anybody your whole life, and that’s just fine too.
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I’ve had some become emotional with me, privately, about it: they thought they had to prove their manhood by having sex, and a woman who wasn’t too awful-seeming forced herself on him. And while there was certainly a mix of triumph/adulation at being wanted, at accomplishing the big goal everyone said was a big achievement, turned out to leave them feeling empty. Or wanting an emotional attachment to the girl who just “did it with him” and then she moved on.
Despite the lecturing guys get, and the lies we get about our sexuality, the truth is, I think if you ask most men, they’ll say they really do not want an endless string of sex partners. Yes, some do, but most don’t. In fact, here’s a subversive thought to our current culture:
You don’t have to have sex with anybody until you feel like it. In fact, you can decide you never want sex with anybody your whole life, and that’s just fine too.
While some foolish men have attacked classic movies like “The 40 Year Old Virgin” as “male shaming” it’s not. Go find a copy and watch it. It’s a sweet story of a guy who was never comfortable with girls and wound up never having sex, and not particularly wanting to until he found a special girl.
Man-shaming would involve telling a man who doesn’t want to be a sex machine that he should be ashamed to be a virgin, or to have not had a lot of sex partners because that makes him a “beta.”
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Man-shaming would involve telling a man who doesn’t want to be a sex machine that he should be ashamed to be a virgin, or to have not had a lot of sex partners because that makes him a “beta.” Well, I don’t even believe in the “Alpha Male/Beta Male” crap, I think it’s pseudoscientific garbage. But if you must use terms like that, I would think the most “Alpha” of all alpha males is the one who turns down women without flinching; he controls his sexuality, just like she controls hers.
And consent, for all the politics of it, absolutely goes both ways, for men and women alike.
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Photo by Christopher Michel
Try telling XVII century slaves they are free.
See the reaction.
It’s the same reaction.
Dean Esmay, I love you the most when you say things like: “Feminism is an intolerant, hateful, racist, anti-gay, misandrist, misogynist, gynocentric religion and hate movement. What other good reasons can you think of to spank a feminist?” – “#SpankAFeminist: Because it’s finally time to put abusive liars over the knee”, A Voice for Men (06/20/15) “Black feminists are all, without exception, Uncle Toms and Aunt Jemimas. No reason to treat them different.” – Twitter Comment (07/15/15)” About the many women’s testimonies of what happened to them in Cologne’s New Year’s Eve: “The media reports are rape hysteria and being… Read more »
You’ll have to live in a world where people think different from you, and who apply skepticism to your ideological views. Nice attempt at derailment BTW.
@Supra, this is whataboutery. Where’s your critique of the article? I had a female acquaintance aggressively hug me from behind in a public social space last week. I certainly don’t feel that I have social approval to reject that behaviour from women, I’d be a “jerk with a problem”, but if it had been the other way around I would be a “creep”. Where is the latitude for men to defend their personal boundaries? The expectations Dean describes are not just held by men – they are pervasive in our culture. The blatant hypocrisy of “rape culture” is the pursuit… Read more »
Hey, I’ve seen claims floating around that Futrelle tried to get this shut down, but no matter where I’ve looked, I haven’t found any evidence provided. Could you provide some evidence of your claim Dean? I’d hate to jump on a bandwagon without evidence backing it.
Thank you Dean for being a much needed voice of mentorship and maturity, and for encouraging the wisdom of self-awareness and self-respect. Especially needed at these times lacking male mentoring – with men fleeing teaching and youth engaged roles for fear of being labelled pedophiles. For years I swung between the shame of believing I was a ‘creep’ or a ‘monster’ for simply having sexual feelings and longings for intimacy and genuinely seeking a relationship in which to reciprocate these, or conversely the shame of believing I was a ‘beta’ for not having had double digit sexual partners or for… Read more »
Hi Warren
Dean Esmay is an MRA.
I wonder what kind of advice this man give young men about sex and use of the type of pornography anyone have access to on the internet today.
Is he as clear in his views about the use of pornography as he is about young men’s right to say NO sex with women.
Can young men say NO to porn and the use of porn as well as saying NO to having sex with women in real life?
Hi Kim Dean has written a lot of great articles that encourage and support men to respect themselves and others, and to be their best. If you google his name I am sure you will find many gems. I support everyone’s right to say No to porn, or No to sex, or No to anything else that they feel pressured to do that they don’t really believe is right. My opinion is that fostering the capacity to listen to our internal moral compass (you could call it ‘gut intuition’, or moral fortitude or many other terms) is something that I… Read more »
HI Warren I have look but not been able to find out what Dean teach young men about pornography. When a man take on the mentor role of young men and tell them that they can say NO to sex then I am curious about what kind of advice he give about the use of porn (hardcore porn on the internet).For parents it matters a lot know how a man that is seen as an mentors teach the young about their sexuality. And today porn on the internet is a part of that conversation. I agree with him that young… Read more »
Hi, Kim. Is there a specific problem you have with men using porn? If so what is the relevance to men saying no to women?
Your comment reeks of controlling behavior.
Grumpy
Something in your tone here does not inspire to sharing parts of my personal experience in life with you.
Hi Kim Not sure if Grumpy or I understood you correctly!? I thought you meant young men having difficulty saying no to porn for themselves when they really don’t want it but feel some kind of pressure to use it because their partner or friends pressure them to. If you meant saying no to other people using porn then you’re going to come up against a lot of resistance obviously! Some people (men and women) choose to make and use porn and they don’t want someone else coming along telling them they shouldn’t. Just like sex. It’s about finding what… Read more »
@ Warren Preiss OK, pressure not force probably explains her position better. To be honest, I’ve never been pressured to use hard core porn. Maybe it’s generational or maybe it’s because it’s not something that men share except with close friends. I can imagine myself watching porn with a GF or a group of mostly close male friends, but not a mixed group or a group with whom I’m only acquainted with except for bachelor parties and that’s usually background noise and no one pays attention to who’s watching or not at any given time. Even the bachelor parties I’ve… Read more »
@ KIM I can’t speak for Dean, but I consider myself an MRA (for lack of a better term) or at least a sympathetic egalitarian. I think everyone has the right to say no to porn. I know of no MRA who would force someone to view porn. Note: There are some situations where some MRas have taken an equality position, which depending on your definition of porn may “force” someone to view porn. For example, places that ban men from being nude and fine them for it, but not women. Some people will believe that showing genitalia is porn… Read more »
John I agree with many of the demands for change MRA ask for, it is things taken for granted several other countries, but still I find the tone and all the negative feelings between men and women in the U.S . highly disturbing. Who wants to live in a war zone? I asked about porn because if a man that set himself up as mentor and advice young men about sex,and tell them that they can say NO to sex for their whole life then I suspect he has an agenda and that is not the emotional health of all… Read more »
KIM, Again I can only speak for me, but from what I’ve seen, their are two positions on porn in the “manosphere”. MGTOWs who’ve come close to what you suggest, but from what I’ve seen have not to my knowledge advocated porn os sex bots over women for other men. I’ve seen them advocate for the availability of porn and even avidly await the introduction of sex bots into the marketplace. I’ve seen them warn other men about women. What I don’t recall seeing is a MGTOW saying to other men choose porn over a woman or that porn use… Read more »
Thank you John.
I’ll consider it. I don’t consider it my job to tell people what to read or watch, but I will say, I know guys who don’t like porn and don’t like it shoved at them. I think that might be a good conversation.
Hi Dean
It is great to see you turn up. It is always better when the author of an article respons !
And the issue you write about here is super important .
I agree with this article ,and we can all say no to sex, as young or old, as single or in a romantic relationship or in marriage.
But saying no when you are married or cohabitate is very problematic.
I know this article is not about married men ,but it is my opinion that anyone can say no to sex no matter what situation they are in.
If saying no to sex is problematic for the other party, you are in an abusive relationship.
Kim, married for 28 years. Certainly my wife and I say no for various reasons. Our marriage commitment and our loving relationship are in keeping with our individual responsibility we accepted for each other swell being. So we tend to let the other know our reasons and accept them.
“Dear young man you don’t have to sleep with her if you don’t want to.” Nice in theory. In practice sometimes it’s impractical. On high school, we had a retreat at an all women college dorm, which was having financial difficulties. The college women were house on the second floor, the high school boys on the third, and the high school girls as well as the Councillors on the fourth. The first floor had the shared amenities, lunch room, gym, etc. The first day, we (I’ve come to not fault us, since we were 15 ir 16 at the time.… Read more »
I wonder if the experience of letting go of concern about what might be ‘all over the school’ could be more liberating than the ongoing burden of attempting to micro-manage other people’s opinions of you at the cost of your personal integrity? Someone once said a saying to me that has stuck: “Those who mind, don’t matter, those who matter, don’t mind.” All the best!
No because everyone one knows everything a guy gets up to but when have always had thinly veiled layer of secrecy
Great article. The shaming tactic described here is so commonplace and most guys go along with it and ask no questions.
I heard some people are trying to get this article removed. On what possible grounds could somebody do so? The only thing they’re scared of is men standing up for themselves by living in whatever way makes them happy.
Every Man Has a right to refuse sex or physical contact for that matter with any person he chooses. It is also completely acceptable to refuse sex with someone simply because you do not like or you are not attracted to them.
Also while you are married?
Absolutely. Being married is a commitment to loving and respecting one another. If one party isn’t in the mood for whatever reason, the other would respect that – otherwise they wouldn’t really be married in the true sense.
I’ve been both sexually assaulted by women, and, guilted into having sex with women when I don’t want by friends. I think this article is a great start for breaking down the barrier that men face of peer pressure around the bedroom.
The right to refuse sex and the right to refuse the obligations of parenthood even after sex are legal rights that should be equal between men and women, yet “made to penetrate” is still not called rape, and men still go to jail for refusing to pay child support for kids they never wanted.
Women also go to jail for refusing to pay child support for kids they never wanted. It’s equal. Once a baby is born both need to support it somehow.
Thank you writing this article.
I think this has been an issue that yet has fully been addressed.
The true betas are the men trying to silence articles like this.
They have geared their beings around sex and it will take its toll on them inevitably.
We are under no obligation to fornicate with those we do not like and women do not own men like chattel.
Great job, Dean. Only a rape apologist would find anything to object to in it.
It’s a wonderful and insightful article about the modern day pressures young menfolk across the west face,
I salute the editor of this website for being open minded enough to put up this insightful (from a gents perspective) article concerning issues affecting our Men and Boys..
A fan,
Henan, China.
I strongly support the contents of this article. First of all, sex should never be an obligation under any circumstances. Secondly, a man who uses restraint is a more attractive partner in my opinion. If he sleeps around before marriage, it will be harder for him stay faithful after.
Bravo to GMP for publishing this article by Dean. This really resonates with me, in that I’ve never been fond of the idea of having a string of partners, or that men who are virgins should be ashamed.
You don’t have to have sex with anybody until you feel like it. In fact, you can decide you never want sex with anybody your whole life, and that’s just fine too. While some foolish men have attacked classic movies like “The 40 Year Old Virgin” as “male shaming” it’s not. Go find a copy and watch it. It’s a sweet story of a guy who was never comfortable with girls and wound up never having sex, and not particularly wanting to until he found a special girl. I wouldn’t say that that movie was male shaming in the sense… Read more »
Good article, and it hits home with me….Ladies, just because we have an erection, doesn’t mean we want to use it on you or gives you permission to touch it.
Speaking as the guy who said back in high school he would get married after turning 50 – and did just that – I certainly can support the notion that societal expectations can get in the way of what you know is right for yourself. Follow your heart & think for yourself.
Very good article. Men need to be comfortable owning their sexuality, and not listen to people telling them what they’re supposed to feel sexually. If it doesn’t feel right then don’t do it, if it does then do.
Great to see Deans article here. When I was a young man I erroneously believed I wanted sex with anything that moved, but once successfully paired, I received an enormous amount of satisfaction and self-respect from an overpowering desire to remain loyal and faithful to first my girlfriend, then both my wife and our children. This guided me to ignore or refuse multiple opportunities over 27 years to break that bond, provided by some rather callous women who knew our family all too well. The gynocentric narrative that only men are bad and women must be good, that held that… Read more »
Yah, you don’t have to want to, and you can decide that you don’t want to. To Do or NotTo Do: A note on why abstinence education doesn’t work for the majority— In order for abstinence education to teach that you mustn’t, it must presume that you will want to. This presumption is at least implicit, and ever-present as an assumption. It sets up a tension in which the “natural” urge is likely to prevail. It can’t be taught, precisely, that you don’t have to want to, because that’s not a precept, that’s a personal decision. But this decision can… Read more »
As a demi-sexual male I’ve gotten this a lot in my life, any time I’ve turned down casual sex with women both men and women will be wondering what’s “wrong” with me. Like I have to have some great explanation for why I would turn a woman down. “She must have been really ugly/crazy, right? Well do you have a girlfriend, then? Are you sure you’re not gay?” Is it that complicated that sometimes I’d rather form a relationship first, and that I don’t wan’t to screw every random, mildly attractive woman I come across? Taken to its logical extreme,… Read more »
This article does a great job of making the critical point that sexuality must be understood as human sexuality and not merely the best recreational drug for beasts. Men are, after all, human beings and not beasts.
And at least the few men who do strive to shed their humanity and live as beasts, seeking happiness as beasts, are making *themselves* miserable. Those who teach others to be beasts or who fail to teach young men how to be human are causing grave harm to someone else.
What Tom Said.
Glad to see this article. It appears that there are more men then one would think, that choose not to have sex. A lot of talk about male stereotypes but this is one that is seldom addressed. Men are not the sex crazed thugs we’re made out to be. Sex sex and more sex … just look at the countless articles that promote sex as being not much more then a recreational activity. One last comment about this …. as with many articles that appear, had this article been faith based where its content and message been the same but… Read more »
“One last comment about this …. as with many articles that appear, had this article been faith based where its content and message been the same but being faith motivated, people would come out of the wood\work and slammed it from every angle. ” You are an intelligent man, do not act like you don’t know the real reason those articles get slammed. Faith-based abstinence is often VERY toxic, such as teaching premarital sex is a sin, homosexual sex is a sin, lust is a sin, etc. It’s extremely harmful dogma which slut-shames people for wanting sex before marriage, or… Read more »
I agree with Archy here.
The right to say no to sex when it does not feel right and you do not want it is something totally different to say no to sex because it will land you in hell if you do it.
In some countries it even mean death penalty if you have sex in way other than how your religious leaders preach .