Can marriages be saved by helping couples understand their unique erotic identities?
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It’s a story I’ve heard many times in my practice.
A marriage is going along just fine until the day a wife discovers that her husband has been watching Internet porn, porn that bears little resemblance to what she and her husband do in bed.
Maybe the sex is rougher, kinkier, wilder, or the women in the videos look nothing like her. They are younger or older than she is, thinner or fatter, or dressed in fishnet stockings or bustiers. Maybe they say nasty words during the sex, things she would never think of uttering, nor being spoken to in such a way. She feels betrayed, almost as if she had found him in bed with another woman.
Then, out come the labels — sex addict, pervert, deviant, liar — raining down upon the husband like spears.
He is embarrassed, filled with shame, swears he’ll never again pursue such fantasies, promises to stop watching porn and anything to escape his wife’s wrath, anything to try to close the shame he’s feeling from being exposed. And he really means to keep his promise. But in another week, or month, or year, he is drawn back to that irresistible make-believe sexual world.
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The first advice I offer is “Let’s slow things down.”
Next I move the focus away from the porn. Most couples — and too many therapists — focus on the porn as the problem. In fact, the porn is often not the problem, but rather each partner’s relationship to the porn.
Too often therapists jump into the conflict judging the porn and inserting their beliefs and values onto it, which are often aligned with the wife. This is distracting the couple from getting to the root of the real issue, which is more about erotic differences.
The question that I ask both partners is, “What is the content of the porn bringing up for each of you?”
Porn has been given a meaning by both partners, and I hold the value of that meaning in high regard for both. Often her reaction to the porn points to negative feelings and beliefs she may be carrying about herself. For him, the content of the porn is expressing parts of himself he may not be able to express non-sexually.
I help couples by decoding the nonsexual narrative of the porn that was discovered. I teach them to see their sexual fantasies as though they are dreams, metaphors.
Research indicates that our erotic interests are the result of very early events. For example, a boy growing up with an older sister may sneak a peek at her when she’s naked, see her pubic hair, and find himself attracted throughout his life to unshaved women. Perhaps he saw his mother pulling on a pair of fishnet stockings before she went out, and forevermore he is aroused by porn in which women dress this way.
Next I explain to them the concept of erotic identity.
Both men and women have an erotic orientation that includes sexual desires and behaviors that don’t necessarily match their outward lives and values. In other words, both men and women can be in relationship with a partner, holding the boundaries of what they enjoy in their head in order to maintain harmony in the relationship, while needing to find an outlet for their own erotic identity. For men this is often through pornography, and for women it is often through romantic novels and movies.
Generally speaking, and not all that surprisingly, men and women are not often aroused by the same stimuli.
When men have fantasies, there is more objectification of the sex partner. Men’s fantasies are less about relationship, less about tenderness and dialogue, and more about cutting right to the sexual acts.
Women’s fantasies are more relational, more about romance. They tend to fantasize about love stories. Men seldom do. In general, women more often need to feel they are being courted, seduced. Men don’t need any of that in their erotica. For men, the gateway to feelings of intimacy is the sex itself, but for women it often is everything leading up to it.
Why, you may ask?
In our culture, we stop touching boys around the time they turn eight years old. They are encouraged, subtly or overtly, to distance themselves from their feelings, and to not touch other boys. The outlet for their feelings then often becomes sports, violence, work and sex. These become the place men have permission to express themselves.
For a girl, on the other hand, touching and expressions of adoration aren’t taboo. She may get an erotic buzz when when a man tells her how beautiful she looks, or how prettily she dances. This becomes her template for opening the doors of intimacy in the future.
In the popular book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts, by neurological researchers Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, we find proof positive that in men, physical arousal and psychological arousal are united, while in women, psychological arousal is separated from physical arousal. The authors name the difference as “porntopia” for men, and “romantopia” for women.
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What is needed then when I work with couples where porn is an issue is to work on bridging the cultural expectations between men and women.
I invite them to begin to talk openly about the differences between their erotic identities without judging the other’s as good or bad. At the very least this may cultivate some understanding of and compassion for their partner, minimizing the judgment and disgust of the porn they have discovered.
I’ll share one example of how this worked.
A couple came to me when it was discovered that the man had been carrying on a two-year affair with a woman half his age. As we delved into his infidelity, he revealed that he really had no interest in a real or lasting relationship with this woman. He simply objectified her as someone who was willing to enact the erotic fantasies he’d harbored for years, but which, when he had implied or suggested to his wife she try with him, he felt were met with such disgust that he felt ashamed and never again brought them up.
While in therapy, however, his wife, who was a devoutly religious woman said, “You’re wrong. I would do anything like that for you. My Bible tells me that you are my husband and we should be able to do whatever we want. I never thought, or realized, that I was shaming you.”
Through becoming honest with one another, and having a willingness to bridge their erotic and cultural differences, this couple’s marriage was saved.
Many others can be salvaged as well if we are willing to challenge the silence and taboos that have pathologized too many of our normal desires.
This article originally appeared on PsychologyToday.com.
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Photo credit: Getty Images/143174749
This is what I was get at. “I never romanced my wife when we were dating. We were friends first, and we just fit. When we went out, we went out together, having fun, sharing stories, doing things together. To this day, be it taking a ride, going on vacation, getting the Kayaks out, or just being out in the back yard, we play, we laugh, we have fun together. Chivalry? Romance? She gets some now, because she’s earned that. She takes care of me, cooks ever night that she’s home. I, in turn, do whatever I can for her… Read more »
Silke, I hope you have the opportunity to read this last comment. Your type of romance is not romance to me (or what we’ve made it in society), but real intimacy. What I was speaking of is that rote learned, expected type of display. I’ve postulated that romantic extreme and porn addiction are far more closely related then we care to imagine. Both raise unrealistic expectations. Both set an unrealistic behavioral pattern. Both can be a road block to true intimacy. I could go on and on, but I’ll give example from a recent post I’ve written. Which I will… Read more »
…and Silke, Please to not read anything into all that. I’m neither passionate about it or loosing sleep over it, but just curious. I’m actually not even that interested in the dynamics of sex vs. romance, but more the way we arrive at some of the conclusions we do. Just curious is all.
My apatite for unraveling mystery (even that of the human mind) is insatiable, and quite frankly, I’m a bit off in some ways. I may be the only engineering candidate that had a desire to minor in psychology!
Good for you.
For people with background in social science , ingeneers are a different kind of human being vey hard to understand and relate to , most of the time. :).
-DJ-
I leave GMP now.
Keep up all the good work!
It was nice reading your comments.
Take care.
Hi Silke, That was just one small part of my statement, but I’ll try to clarify it. Swap the words man and women, and the word “romantic” with the word “sexual” and you will gain a better understanding of the double standard at play here. I was speaking to that double standard, to where we assume objectification of the female in sex, but not the male when referencing romance. If the male is expected to perform rote learned behaviors for the fulfillment of the female’s romantic fantasies, is he not being equally objectified; no differently then when expecting the female… Read more »
-DJ- You describe being romantic as “Perform role learned behaviour…”. No, I disagree 100%, at least seen from my part of the world. I was married once. It did not take long before my husband told his family that I was very romantic. It was obviously a negative thing . Never ever in that marriage did I ask for what you describe : pulling chairs , perform role learned behaviour … I never asked for flowers ,gifts,chairs pulled or doors opened. And he never gave it.That is not want I needed .( a little gift once in a while would… Read more »
Typo
A word is missing
” men go straight to sex….”
I find it very hard to write on this web page. It keeps rolling and changing all the time.
Why don’t they fix it ?
Hi Silke,
A piece of advice Regarding the rolling or jumping page: Try to locate the safety or security settings on your web browser (if you use Internet Explorer, you probably have a tab or drop-down meny called “Sikkerhet” or something like that)
Click to open that menu, and then click to activate the “ActiveX filtrering”.
It worked wonders for me.
Good luck /K
And second: “Women , many women want something to happen before the act itself to really want the sex. Is it correct to call it a problem? It may be a problem for men that want women to be like porn stars.” It is not problem that women want something to happen Before sex. it is a problem that many men never, or too late, learn WHAT women want to happen Before sex. Because they just excuse themself, just as you do here, that they are too Young to speak up. Yet the women expect the men “to educate themselves”,… Read more »
“because they just excuse themselves just like you do here.” I was sexually abused in my marriage . You obviously are person that can speak up, communicate well and take charge in any situation even when you get sexually abused by a person you have promised to stay with for the rest of your life. I leave GMP and it’s debate because of the hostility here. Just like your comment here invalidate me . It gives me a sick feeling inside to see all the hostility and hate that is revealed here between men and women ( and also between… Read more »
Wow, As for hostility, you do have a way of yanking words out of context and twisting the intention. In an instant, we went from then need for open communication about our needs and desires in order for someone else to have a chance of fulfilling them (as opposed to expecting men to be mid-readers), to me being pointed out as an excuser and enabler of sexual abuse and rape! I must admit, I didn’t see that one coming. No, Silke. I am not a person that can easily speak up. But the point that went over your head was… Read more »
I got stuck on the use of the word “objectification” of the sex partner when discussing the male, but not the female. Is it not romantic objectification of the male? Is that not a societal problem in dating? I see it a lot, the woman more in love with the date, or the wedding, then the man. I see the demand for chivalry (in fact there is an article up right now with a laundry list of “objectification of the male”, to where the women’s idea of a man is based on such performance rather then who he is (filling… Read more »
-DJ- Lets forget weddings and porn and talk about romance and women and men that are romanic. Why do some see that as a negative trait? I am romantic and this a personality trait the way I see it. It not something wrong with me, just because I am romantic . And this is not learned behavior from American Romantic novel. I grew up reading the classic novels.and they are seldom romantic. Why is it a problem for a man if a woman is romatic ? Did you mean that a woman being romantic makes real intimacy possible? A man… Read more »
I think there is a lot of truth in what you say here. However, the generalization of woman craving and being aroused by romance is long overdue for an overhaul. I am a woman in my 40’s. Myself, and the majority of women I know do not fit into this category. Connection, yes. But that is different from romance.
I’m an old married guy who never had to fantasize … really happy making love with my wife.
Hi Joe
You have written an interesting article here and I look forward to see the comments !
And it is a pity not more users of this website come from cultures other than the American one.
As a Scandinavian I have never read any of the novels you here tell us women like to read, so it has not formed me into the woman I am today.
I hope you get good respons here Joe.