One way to help survivors heal? Stop quantifying abuse.
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More and more often it seems we are reading news about adult females “having sex” with teenage boys. It is good to finally see some press on this common form of abuse and also the fact it is being reported, but we do have a long way to go. There is a very disturbing aspect of these stories that always ends up in the comments and public discussion and it goes like this: “He’s a boy and he scored with a woman and now you want to call it rape? He got lucky, what’s the big deal?”
Well duh, that’s because legally and morally it is rape. In case anyone missed it, a child cannot “have sex” with an adult in this country, it is defined as child sex abuse among other things. The age of the offender or their gender does not matter, it is a crime.
Most children know the person who abuses them before any abuse or boundary crossing occurs. With older kids and teenagers it often starts with them being drawn to a charismatic adult in a position of power and it is very normal for a child to want that kind of attention. It is also normal for pubescent boys to think about sex dozens or even hundreds of times a day as their bodies are flooded with hormones.
It matters little to the body whether the abusive person is male or female or even their age.
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This may be a crass way of putting it, but all an adult has to do is get the boy’s defenses lowered (grooming) and the body’s hormones will do the rest. It matters little to the body whether the abusive person is male or female or even their age. Tyler Perry on the Oprah Show claimed that his body betrayed him. It is in fact a chemical reaction just like mixing baking soda and vinegar to create a volcano-like eruption. Just because our body responds to a stimulus, it does not mean we are complicit any more than “liking that feeling” makes it necessarily a good thing.
So why do we see things so differently depending on the gender of the child who is victimized and the person offending? My abuser, the man who abused me was my male minister and it was my first experience with being touched sexually. How would that have been different if he had been a woman? I suppose I might not have dissociated as much as I did, in that I would have been mentally attracted to a female body. But doesn’t that almost make it more difficult to deal with, since I am supposed to like it? I think it would have potentially been more confusing because there is still that sense of wrongness and shame.
It is as though people want to rate child sexual abuse not only by the genders involved, but by the relationship to the victim.
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If a man sexually abuses a boy like me, then culture tells me I am “less than” what I should be. If a woman sexually abuses me, culture says, “score dude, walk proud laddie.” And it doesn’t stop there, if the woman is my teacher that’s cool, if it’s my older sister then it may be gray to some, but what if it is my mother? And how different is it, if it is my stepmom or aunt? What if it is grandma? How does culture view being abused by my father versus my minister or coach? It is as though people want to rate child sexual abuse not only by the genders involved, but by the relationship to the victim.
Politicians and the media have taken it upon themselves to rate rape with adjectives such as “legitimate”, “forcible”, “gray”, “date” and “stranger” to name but a few. Guess what, all rape is forced (use of power by one over another) and it is never legitimate, even between partners. There are not degrees of rape or child sexual abuse. It is morally and legally wrong in all cases and the victim is never at fault.
As one of an estimated 19 million male survivors of child sex abuse I can assure you, being sexually abused is not healthy for a boy (or anyone) regardless of the gender of the other person. When I sit in recovery groups there are men who were abused by men, women, boys, girls and every relationship you can imagine.
So can we please stop quantifying the abuse by the parties involved and name it the heinous crime it is? Maybe then we can begin to help the survivors heal and hold those who abuse children accountable.
Read more on the Joyful Heart Foundation Blog
– By Randy Ellison
Speaker, writer and author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse, Randy Ellison is a child sexual abuse victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change working with local, state and national organizations. He addresses abuse prevention and healing for survivors from a survivor’s perspective. Randy is a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force. He is a founding member and former board president of OAASIS, Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service.
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Would someone take my edit to my second response out of the spam filter please? It’s very vital.
“whereas boys are “allowed to be encouraged” to lose their virginity. Sorry but in a world where even a six year old boy can be deemed a sexual harasser for kissing a six year old girl on the cheek, and a four year old boy a pervert for hugging a teacher, I find this assumption of yours hard to swallow. Ask the numerous men who were falsely accused of rape for simply misreading signals or getting on the woman’s bad side. Doesn’t sound very encouraging to me. ” With this in place, a girl who is “taken advantage of” by… Read more »
I would never seek to dismiss a victim’s pain for suffering a violation of any kind. Anyone who has been the victim of such a violation deserves care, comfort and understanding. But I disagree with the point of this article very much. The whole arena of sexual misconduct/criminality is a large one that ranges from innocent misunderstandings to full on horrific and torturous behavior. It’s a world swimming with confusing realities, dependent largely upon artificial social norms and delicate psyches. For certain, the issue is very complicated: no victim’s pain is insignificant, but I don’t think equating everyone’s trauma is… Read more »
@ Paul And since there is little societal help for men, it’s logical to conclude that it is worse when men are raped or abused. What if a female rapist got pregnant? Wouldn’t it be worse for a man who can’t abort a child he doesn’t want? If a woman is gang rapped does that mean the second and subsequent guys barely damaged her because she was already f’ed up with the first one and why should gender be the deciding factor? Why wouldn’t it be on average worse for the religious who want to wait for marriage than the… Read more »
Sorry John, but I think you and Eagle35 (below) missed my point, and seemingly only read what you wanted to read. I think you’re falling into the trap of victimhood that plagues movements of social justice, and helps create so much backlash and stagnation. We ought to be completely sober and honest about the realities of issues, and not allow our own emotional investment to prevent us from seeing the whole picture. If a woman were to claim that she lives in a world where she feels pressure that she not “appear” to be a lesbian, so she can’t be… Read more »
” I think you’re falling into the trap of victimhood that plagues movements of social justice, and helps create so much backlash and stagnation. We ought to be completely sober and honest about the realities of issues, and not allow our own emotional investment to prevent us from seeing the whole picture.” No, I’m bringing common sense and balance into a discussion that seems to attract people like you like moths to a flame. “If a woman were to claim that she lives in a world where she feels pressure that she not “appear” to be a lesbian, so she… Read more »
““But overall, as a larger issue, boys are under MUCH more pressure in general. For us to pretend otherwise is intentionally ignorant”
EDIT: I just want to retract my original response to this sentence here. Yes, you’re right they are under much more pressure. But the source of it is not what you perceive.
Eagle35 What I’ve written here is a very academic assessment of an issue and its dynamics. I’ve written it in an attempt to avoid a pitfall, one which I’ve fallen into myself before. What I gather from your reaction is that you’ve not only felt the pain I have, but more and in a much worse way. That truly sucks. This world can be particularly cruel, and in a very specifically lonely way for men. Even though my life hasn’t been perfect, I count myself lucky for my relative experiences. In other words, chances are you’ve had your ass kicked… Read more »
“What I’ve written here is a very academic assessment of an issue and its dynamics.” And is the reason why I treat most “Academics” with the same level of scrutiny as applied to door-to-door salesmen. Especially talking about an issue as raw as this. “What I gather from your reaction is that you’ve not only felt the pain I have, but more and in a much worse way. That truly sucks. This world can be particularly cruel, and in a very specifically lonely way for men.” It’s much, much worse than that. I’d feel more able-bodied to manage it if… Read more »
“30-year-old Jessica Hachat — a licensed teacher — was working a summer lunch program when detectives say she had sex with the boys, who are special-needs children.” “Hachat could have served 180 days on both counts, but instead will serve just three days in a Lancaster jail.” How does a person face only 180 days for raping 2 special needs boys and only get 3 days? http://www.lancastereaglegazette.com/story/news/crime/2014/08/22/lancaster-teacher-sex-special-needs-boys/14469371/ It doesn’t just happen to children. Here’s the response of one woman to the Anna Stubblefield case. https://www.facebook.com/DREDF.org/posts/10151360925824099 She actually mentions the name of the rape survivor. I’ve reported it to Facebook, but… Read more »