How intimacy is desperately needed in today’s sexual relationships.
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Sex and intimacy is a big subject for us all and are both very distinct concepts.
Most men (not all but most) are relatively confident when it comes to sex. We know what to do in general, how it all works, all the parts involved and what the ultimate result is.
But many men struggle when it comes to intimacy and what it actually means and involves.
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Why is that?
For starters for many of us how we are first introduced to sex plays a big factor. If you survey most men about their first introduction to sex, the majority of them will say it is through pornography of some kind. Whether that be the underwear section of the local department stores flyer, an actual porn magazine or some secret stash of sexually explicit videos.
The big problem with pornography is that it’s absolutely terrible as an educational tool for sex– but even more so when it comes to intimacy.
The truth is most porn is filmed by men, for men and acts as nothing more than a pleasure tool that hits all the right buttons in our mental pleasure receptors.
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It is very rare when porn videos show any sort of intimacy between the couple having sex on screen. Most porn shows the guy basically doing whatever he wants for his pleasure and the woman ‘seemingly’ enjoying every minute of it. (For an interesting look at the porn industry check out this project – warning it’s NSFW)
All while both parties are vacant and disconnected except for a few moans and groans in unison.
Unfortunately, it’s just not reality and nothing close to what actual sex and intimacy is. If porn is our introduction into sex, then it’s no surprise that we struggle with intimacy – after all we would just be mimicking what we see in those videos and because we never take the time to learn more about it, nor are there a lot of available resources for us at that age, we think that the women actually enjoy sex the way it’s done in those pornogrpahic videos and magazines.
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The truth is most porn is filmed by men, for men and acts as nothing more than a pleasure tool that hits all the right buttons in our mental pleasure receptors. It is quite literally the visual version of Cheetos for our brains. No quality or substance but gives us a hit of perfectly crafted fake flavors.
And this not only acts as a disservice for our women but for ourselves as well.
Some of the lessons we learn from it can aid in our own feelings of inadequacy.
Lessons like:
- You should be able to go for hours or else you aren’t doing it right
- Women want sex however you want it
- Sex is all about ejaculation and release
- Women should all look like porn stars
- Sex is for your pleasure and yours alone
- And on and on and on…
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Unfortunately these messages can really cripple us when it comes to intimacy. The best sex I’ve had is when I’m connected with my wife – when I look deep into her eyes and see her looking back at mine.
Sex becomes a whole other experience when she and I are connected like that.
And what that allows for and creates is deep intimacy between us.
And for me and probably a lot of men out there one of the biggest barriers is the fear of vulnerability.
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It allows us to dive deeper into our relationship and grow more as humans because what shows up as we go deeper into intimacy is all of the ways we put up our barriers against it.
And for me and probably a lot of men out there one of the biggest barriers is the fear of vulnerability.
Too often as men we think that we must be an alpha male in EVERYTHING we do and live inside a false belief that alpha males are NEVER vulnerable.
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And yet, when it comes to intimacy and great sex, a huge level of vulnerability is required. That can look a number of different ways, from being willing to be fully seen by your partner, to deep conversations before the act of sex even begins.
Sometimes it involves sharing where you are afraid or feeling small, insecure or anything less than what a man “should be”.
Sharing of ourselves in authentic, integrous and open ways are the things that bring human beings closer together, when you are able to fully drop your guard and be willing to be seen fully exposed with nothing hidden in that moment.
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I’ve worked with quite a few men, where sex and particularly pornography have been a way for them to cope with and escape from the troubles they are facing in the world.
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Porn has stunted us as men inside our context for sex. If you talk to 10 men, most of them will agree that the point of sex is to achieve orgasm. While this is a great result to have during sex it is not the only one, nor the most important one.
I am not trying to stand on pedestal with overall hate for the porn industry. I think that there are times it can be used for erotic energy, new ideas and can even be enjoyed with your partner.
(Plus, and with all the new types of porn for women being created, it has the potential to allow for a more connected experience.)
I also know that from my own experience with Tantric work and other workshops various types of porn can and are beneficial.
However by in large, the vast majority of how most people view and use porn is not one geared towards love, intimacy, empowerment or connection.
I’ve worked with quite a few men, where sex and particularly pornography have been a way for them to cope with and escape from the troubles they are facing in the world.
There is so much tension and pressure they feel in their life that they aren’t dealing with powerfully and so choose to get their “hit” through sex and pornography.
I think this is the root cause of a pornography addiction – the ones that become addicted to porn do so because there are many other issues that they aren’t dealing with in their life.
And a quick fix is way easier than doing the deeper work needed to address their pains, worries and fears. It acts as a way to numb out, avoid or be distracted. (For more info on how porn affects us click here)
Porn then becomes a place for them to feel safe, a sanctuary where they are able to focus solely on their own pleasure with no pressure from anyone or anything.
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In essence, it’s escapism – where porn and masturbation are used as a way to cope with the anxieties and tension in their life. However, the release they feel is only temporary and because it’s only temporary, lasts a few minutes or an hour or two, whereby the pressure then builds up and again the search is on for the next release.
In addition, most men, after they achieve orgasm, can often times have an empty feeling afterwards – they aren’t rejuvenated by their orgasm, they are depleted.
This is why intimacy is actually critical for us men. (And your partner will love you for it – as I mentioned in this post)
Pornography actually changes our perspective on sex from something inclusive to something exclusive.
I am not asking us to stop talking about the virtues and excitement of intercourse but to add to the conversation, by including topics like these that matter in the long run.
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It can lead to us being completely disconnected during sex and instead solely fantasizing about previous videos or experiences we’ve had in the past. In some cases this can be so extreme that some men may not even be able to achieve orgasm with their actual partner and instead can only finish through masturbation to porn.
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So what is the solution here?
Getting rid of porn could be one solution, but it’s a billion dollar industry and likely not going anywhere and as long as it’s so accessible it’s unrealistic to think that it’s going to disappear.
In order to powerfully create well-adapted connected men it will have to begin in our home.
I believe that it’s the parent’s responsibility to teach our children about what sex is and what it’s not. To dispel the myth and confusion young boys have about what they see in porn versus what real sex is.
It’s time for us to become better men, because quite frankly, our partners want us to and the world needs us to.
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I say teach ‘OUR’ children because as men and mentors we are all responsible for shifting the conversation for today’s youth in how they gain access to this new dimension of sex. I am not asking us to stop talking about the virtues and excitement of intercourse but to add to the conversation, by including topics like these that matter in the long run.
The next way for us as men to grow deeper into intimacy with ourselves and our partners is to stop searching for the quick fix instant release.
In other words, it’s time for us to own our own shit and deal powerfully with the issues in our life that are causing us to seek and be ok with a cheap version of sex.
It’s time for us to become better men, because quite frankly, our partners want us to and the world needs us to.
All the problems that we are facing us today are going to require all of our attention to fix them and men that are able to be fully intimate are more fulfilled, powerful and able to deal with the challenges we as human beings face today.
We need you to be focused, connected and open if you are going to make the difference and leave the legacy that we know you can.
So, let’s get to it brother, the clock is ticking.
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Photo: Getty Images
Scott – thank you for this piece! In some of my personal relationships, I have felt that the way my past boyfriends choose to interact with me sexually was heavily reflecting a porn-like type of sex. These were good men. Men who I know wanted intimacy and connection but had no idea how to give it. When I was really young, I played the game along with them and tried to be the fantasy they wanted. As I got older, I realized just how unfulfilling it was and frustrating to play a role I felt I was pushed into play… Read more »
Hi Erin, Thanks for your comment and I’m glad the article resonated for you! I think the most of the problem you speak of comes from the fact that it becomes so ingrained in most men that we can’t even see the impact it has on us, it just occurs as normal. Personally I think the solution is for parents to become responsible for teaching their children about sex and to also teach them about intimacy. Part of the problem is that when we are boys and we learn about sex through mediums like porn is that it becomes our… Read more »