I had been heading towards 50/50 parenting or bust. I had made my case for how much care I had provided in the past, and how much care I was willing to provide as a single dad.
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Let’s get something straight right off the bat. Divorce is not about being fair. It’s about following the law, and hopefully, doing what’s “in the best interest of the children.” But that’s not really the intent of the law either. The laws surrounding divorce and custody in Texas are in place to streamline the average divorce, and provide the mother with some support once the father is gone. Staying in a bad marriage just because of the money is a bad idea. But again, that doesn’t mean the law is fair.
Early on, when we I was finally convinced that divorce was the only option, I agreed to seeing a counselor who would help us build the perfect parenting plan for our kids. The idea was, that in cooperation, we could lessen the impact on the kids, be civil to each other in a difficult process, and go through the process of divorce as simply as possible. We were “kids first” in our approach to splitting up. All that was good.
Building the parenting plan, and the agreements we would abide by as parents was the most important part of the divorce for both of us. And the “impartial” therapist was there to help us work it out. So we paid a lot of money to her, rather than lawyers, to advise us in setting our kids up for success in the post-family world.
And then, somewhere along the way, during the process this statement came out of our counselor’s mouth.
“This is what the mom would get if this went to court. So we can start here.”
What about me? Well, that’s where the fairness ends. Because if I can’t make the full payment, at any time, my ex can file against me at the Attorney General’s office and wreak all kinds of havoc on my credit and career.
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I had been heading towards 50/50 parenting or bust. I had made my case for how much care I had provided in the past, and how much care I was willing to provide as a single dad. Still the words from the therapist’s mouth were hard to swallow. She was saying, if we went to court, my ex-wife would get primary custody and the SPO, as they always did. Oh, and, “this is what’s in the best interest of the children.”
What?
I didn’t really know what all that meant, but I trusted the counselor and listened to her. It was not fair. But that’s what my ex would get if I fought her in the courts. I was confused, that’s why we were paying her all the money, because we were not going to go to court. We were using her to avoid court, and to come to an equitable arrangement as civil adults and caring parents, without fighting about it.
We were meeting weekly with her to determine what was best for our children in our case, not to abide by what the State of Texas generally did in the case of divorce. I was pissed, but I didn’t really have much support for my view. I had bought a few books about cooperative parenting, and suggested a 50/50 schedule that was recommended in one of them. This was the offer that was being shut down by our cooperative therapist with the approval and appreciation of my soon-to-be ex-wife.
Here’s what I am slowly learning.
- 85% of divorces in Texas end up with the mom as the primary custodian. Dad’s are considered non-custodial parents as a default.
- And most of those dads are then given the SPO, as what’s “in the best interest of the kids.” The SPO (Standard Possession Order) is the governing calendar for your time with your kids.
- The SPO is not near 50/50, and the “month” in the summer is a joke to offset some of the inequity. But show me a dad who can take a month off in the summer to make up for time lost with his kids, and … Well, it’s just not realistic.
- With the non-custodial role comes a big fine. In Texas someone is going to pay. And the non-custodial parent is saddled with a set fee, based on estimated income, that is defined by the state and enforced by the state. If you’re the non-custodial parent get ready to pay.
While 50/50 parenting is not uncommon, it is not the norm. And if that’s what you want (as I did) you should fight for it. In our case, I should not have had to FIGHT for it, that was why we were mediating and paying a counselor to help us determine what was best for our kids. What we got was a good parenting plan, with “if you go to court this is what she’s going to get.”
So using some abstract numbers for a second, let’s see what that non-custodial assumed fee (called child support) looks like.
Let’s say you have two kids. And for simplicity’s sake let’s say your mortgage on your house together is $2,000. When you divorce, you’re going to 1. give her the house for “the kids;” 2. pay her a monthly support fee for “the kids;” 3. pay for the kids health insurance; and then, if you can afford it, 4. figure out how to put a roof over your head too.
So let’s see. If together we were paying $2,000 for our house. And separate she’s going to pay $2,000 for the same house. But I’m then going to pay her $1,000 for child support, and $500 for health care for the kids, then in theory she’s paying $1,000 for the house, and if I can find a 3-bed-room apartment nearby for $2,000, then I’m paying $3,000 plus $500 just for living expenses. I mean, I do what what’s best for my kids, and I do want them to be able to keep the house, but…
What about me? Well, that’s where the fairness ends. Because if I can’t make the full payment, at any time, my ex can file against me at the Attorney General’s office and wreak all kinds of havoc on my credit and career. So to start, I’ve got to make $3,500 a month before I get to think about electricity, food, water, clothes for myself. Um, that’s not such a good deal.
So how could we have made this more fair? Well, to start we could have negotiated in good faith, rather than this “what she’s going to get” BS. That was a low blow, and I’m still a bit angry with the otherwise, stellar, counsellor.
As it turns out, I agreed to the non-custodial deal, and the SPO and the payments to my ex-wife. And as it turns out, the economy has beat my income stream into ever-changing levels. And when I began to get behind, even as I was explaining to my ex exactly what was happening, and that I was not trying to get out of paying 100% of what she was owed, even with all that good will, and “what’s in the best interest for the children” talk, my ex-wife filed on me for being two months behind on my child support.
The cascade of my financial collapse was pretty swift after that. While I had been able to buy a house (shelter for my kids) I was falling behind on my mortgage too. And since my great job evaporated, I had not been able to replace it. I was working as a consultant, but I wasn’t making enough to cover all my expenses (survival expenses, not travel, or new things, or extravagance) and make the $1,500 support and health care payments. I was confident I would get caught up, I was expressing that to my ex-wife, and for some reason she filed anyway. Not fair, I thought. But that’s not what it’s about.
The point is not that I owe her the money, or if she is entitled to the money. She is entitled to every dollar awarded to her through our agreement.
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I had to sell the house to get caught back up on my debt to Wells Fargo. I had to hire a lawyer to protect me from my wife’s actions with the AG. And I’ve been struggling to find a new full-time gig, at a much higher salary, so I could pay for all of this AND a place for me to live, preferably with three bedrooms so we all have our own space.
But in the SPO world, there really isn’t much consideration for what I will do, how the dad will do if he struggles a bit. It’s good for the moms to be taken care of. And most of all it’s good for the kids to be provided for, without a lot of drama or fighting between the co-parents. But I was unceremoniously tossed out of my house, which I agreed to give her, and told to pay a whopping $1,500 fee to her, and THEN look for somewhere I could live. In an expensive city, with kids in an expensive school district, it was not a pretty story. And while I nearly made it, my few months of struggles were enough for my “friendly” ex-wife to basically use the State of Texas to sue me for her back child support.
I’m waiting today for the expected good news that I will be starting a new full-time gig shortly. One that should provide for my child support and even a place for me to live. If I can afford a three bedroom place to live, is yet to be seen. I’ve got my fingers crossed, and am still putting in applications elsewhere every day. And other than how it would affect my kids if I were homeless, I’m guessing my ex-wife could care less, unless it means the full child-support payments will resume immediately.
That’s the plan. I’m not sure it’s a fair plan, but that’s the plan.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
[Please note: This post is likely to draw a lot of heat from the single mom’s. The point is not that I owe her the money, or if she is entitled to the money. She is entitled to every dollar awarded to her through our agreement. And she will get every single dollar awarded to her, as I promised/promise her. The point is, had I known all my options, I might have fought for the 50/50 parenting plan I wanted.]
back to The Hard Stuff
related posts:
- We Said, “Til Death Do Us Part” and You’re Not Dead Yet
- Getting Angry, Reaching Forgiveness, and Moving On After Divorce
- Negativity and Isolation: Branching Out To Avoid Breaking Up
- The Evolving Single Dad: Failure to Hopefulness Again
- Giving Up On Me, and Why I Still Hate What You Did
- Reassessing the Dead Beat Dad vs. Good Guy Dad
image: models beneath the sea, benjamin von wong, creative commons usage
Divorce is hard on everyone, and both sides would be better off if the focus was on the kids not her vs. him. Where I live Alberta, Canada it is very, very, very rare that custody is given to a single parent. Even those with convictions retain their custody. The logic being that they are both legal guardians of the children. The child support payments are based on incomes, there are tables and based on your earnings and the amount of time you are with the children determines your salary. If you spend 75% of the time being the parent… Read more »
That’s why “the best interest of the child” meme is all based on lies! The claim is that the primary child care giver usually gets primary custody in order to minimize the disruption to the children’s routine care as little as possible. Yet even when fathers are the primary care givers in heterosexual families- as is the case with heterosexual stay-at-home dads-, they are still more likely to find themselves as the non-custodial parent after a divorce. Fathers lose all the way around. This anger is even more exacerbated by the fact that most of these divorces were forced on… Read more »
What is interesting and you don’t hear much hue or cry from the feminists is that women primary breadwinners get greater custody than men primary caregivers. Where are the feminists on this issue. Strangely silent. Hypocrites that is what they are.
Those damn crickets!!!
That’s why “the best interest of the child” meme is all based on lies! The claim is that the primary child care giver usually gets primary custody in order to minimize the disruption to the children’s routine care as little as possible. Yet even when fathers are the primary care givers in heterosexual families- as is the case with heterosexual stay-at-home dads-, they are still more likely to find themselves as the non-custodial parent after a divorce. Fathers lose all the way around. This anger is even more exacerbated by the fact that most of these divorces were forced on… Read more »
After my seperation I had to work 75 hours a week to afford everything that was needed.The complaint then was that I was not being good father because I was not spending enough time with my kids.I moved into a crappy and dangerous studio apartment and lived on ground beef and top ramen.My ex was well aware of the leverage she had as the mom and used every bit of it to her advantage. All of this begs this question of men,why do get married and have children?
Sad state of affairs. Thanks for your comment.
Because we have been programmed ever since we were kids that this was our sole purpose.
After my seperation I had to work 75 hours a week to afford everything that was needed.The complaint then was that I was not being good father because I was not spending enough time with my kids.I moved into a crappy and dangerous studio apartment and lived on ground beef and top ramen.My ex was well aware of the leverage she had as the mom and used every bit of it to her advantage. All of this begs this question of men,why do get married and have children?
As a single mom I want to say that I fully support the author of this article and his ideas. Being single for several years now, I’ve dated a few single dads and only one of those men has 50/50 custody, yet all of them wanted it. Also all of them (except that one) pay astronomical amounts in child support (talking as much as $1100 for one child). They’ve filed bankruptcy, moved in with friends, moved in with parents, taken on second jobs, sold everything and so on. All of this has to stop! Parents should be equals in the… Read more »
Thank you Amanda. I was surprised when I talked to a woman recently who changed to 50/50 with her husband. She said it was actually better for her. She no longer had to do all the clothes shopping, and her ex was picking up the slack in many ways, that the money was less important.
I am thinking about my options and I appreciate your story and your encouragement.
One of the best posts I’ve ever read (He says again).
I find it unfortunate that you focus the bulk of your discussion on the dollar numbers you are paying to your ex for child support. I understand that your primary frustration, and the point that you wanted to make to your readers, is that there is an unfair assumption that mom should get the kids and dad should get a big fat bill every month. But by focusing on that big fat bill, and how rough it is for you to make ends meet as a result, you are ignoring (and thus causing your readers to miss) any productive conversation… Read more »
Okay, Liz you have your perspective and that’s fine.
I don’t think I focus much on the numbers at all, and I was giving round numbers to make the math easy. The point is 50/50 parenting is what I wanted and what I was determined to get, even in a cooperative divorce. What I got was “this is what you get” from a woman who was being paid to help us do the agreement. She defaulted to the default. We need to set the default to zero and negotiate from there.
Thanks for your comments.
I’m married with children and am the sole provider. If I lose my job they whole family has to tighten their belts. If I was divorced and lose my job a court takes their own sweet time to find a date to discuss it (meanwhile I am accumulating arrears), then may or may not reduce my go forward amount and can even jail me if they decide I am not doing enough to get back in the saddle. Back in 1999 my income declined by approx 50000 a year through no fault of my own. It took me until 2005… Read more »
CW, yep the economics of divorce are a bitch. On both sides, we all lose. The kids lose, the money goes to more bills that don’t really benefit the kids at all.
Obviously more dads pay child support then moms simply because most of the time,mom’s get the kids. Needless to say that the dollars men pay are much higher then women. But on a % basis, there are more women in arrears with child support then men. funny, ya just don’t see “dead beat” moms on pizza boxes …..
What I love is that some women depend on the “child support” as a household income. Correct me if I’m wrong here, isn’t it to provide for the childs needs?
I’ve written a continuation of this post here:
Love, War, Divorce: Why I’m Not Fighting My Ex-Wife Over Custody
http://theoffparent.com/love-war-divorce/
Thanks for the great discussion.
Let’s take a look a this attitude that mothers are entitled to child support. Do mothers pay child support when they put kids up for adoption? No. Do divorced fathers pay child support if they decide they don’t want to be part of kids’ lives after divorce. Yes. Fair? Equal? Please. This is pure discrimination based on gender. How about in cases when kids are taken away from parents for child maltreatment. This is comparable to when a father is unwillingly separated from his children because the mother is presumably a better parent. Do parents in that case, mothers or… Read more »
With these kind of odds, what man in his right mind would get married? Russian Roulette would give you better odds. Even if you lose, the pain would be over quickly.
Funny Wes, but I am a believer in marriage. Now, as a divorced with dependants single dad, I’m not sure what my advantage would be to marrying again. I guess romantic ideals of security, commitment, and such nonsense as that. They didn’t work out so well my first two tries. Fortunately I only had kids with the sane one.
There is an excellent book called Men On Strike by Helen Smith that explains why more and more men are opting out of getting married, cohabiting and even college. Simply put, there is really no reward in it anymore.
Wes,couple what you said with the jobless rate and the rate of underemployment , is there any wonder why male suicide is so high?
I can understand heterosexual men opting out of marriage but college? They are setting themselves up for failure by refusing to go to college. How are they going to support themselves or any children they might have on their own if they want them, for instance through surrogacy or single parent adoption? Opting out of college is the stupidest thing ever!
I had a heart for you and your story until you said the entire 1000 in support means she’s only Paying half of the 2,000.00 mortgage. She feeds, clothes, entertains your children, has to pay utilities for them in the home, school supplies, taxes to ensure your children can remain in that good school district and so many other expenses. You’re right in that the laws need to be more far, that the counselor was a waste of resources and time since she didn’t actually try to counsel and that you deserve time with your kids. However, you’re completely dismissive… Read more »
Um, you see, I have those same expenses as well. And I am also paying for their health care at another $500 per month. So while you’re point is in defense of my measly $1,000 support payment, you see, we both have most of the expenses you mention. (housing, food, healthcare) And while she does have them more than I do, and she does the bulk of the clothes shopping (as we agreed) the issue is not if I am paying enough, or if she is making more money than I am, the point is: DIVORCE IS EXPENSIVE. And while… Read more »
What does a dad do about his job during the summer when he has the kids?
What do you think a single mother does the rest of the year when she has the kids?
It’s a fact that single moms live close to the poverty line.
Many single mom;s, but not all; gross generalizations don’t work. The fact of the matter is, with child support, many studies show that many divorced dads who aren’t the primary caregiver (like the guy who wrote this article) are living below the poverty line, too. Essentially, the courts say “better you than her & the kids” and lay the hammer down.
Agree. With gross ignorance of the figures. Few take into account of the father paying child support. Sure his income might look good. But minus the child support for that and then look on what he has left to live on and pay his bills. And that doesn’t factor in if he is still paying a mortgage.
Yes, Josh, this is what I was trying to show. I was doing my best, and I was on my way to bankruptcy. My ex was enjoying our house, her full retirement funds (mostly contributed from my job), and was still hammering me for “being late.” Amazing how cooperative can change to legal in a heartbeat. I’m considering using the lawyer I had to hire to go for 50/50 now. Except, being the good dad, I don’t want to see my ex suffer. And I want the kids to be able to say in HER home. So I struggle along… Read more »
I have to ask this. Why the concern for your ex’s well being when she cares little for yours? I understand that it may give more harm to your children. But whats healthier – Your children growing up seeing you poor and mum wealthy? Or seeing that their father was being hard done by and standing up for whats right?Not sure of the sex of your children but – For your son: One of his biggest male roles models is going to be one of hardship – is that all I am ever going to be?. For your daughter: one… Read more »
Actually I personally witnessed a judge turn to the dad and tell him that if he has to take 3 jobs, it’s HIS financial responsibility to take care of the children. This is the real world.
Well, as far as child care goes, we both have expenses. We both have to figure out how to care for our kids while we are working. Finding and affording care is easier on a “several days a week” basis. A full month of child care is what they call a vacation, and I haven’t been able to afford one of those since the divorce.
One of the biggest problems I am guessing ( I have no kids myself but see friends struggle financially) is the cost of living is increasing dramatically. Here in Australia for example insurance for a house went from $1k to $4-8k per year, council rates are rising, electricity has gone up over 50% in 2-3 years and is expected to rise again substantially, fuel prices increasing, food, housing and rental costs are high so you need dual incomes to support a single household in many cases. Given that someone has to look after the kids, even married/co-habitating couples I know… Read more »
What’s challenging is, if you want to parent your child, but you are also expected to earn all the support for that child (regardless of whether they are with you two days a month or two weeks a month, you end up stretched between two goals are in opposition to each other. One will cost you time to do the other. And the court sees your time with your child as financially invisible. Child support often goes to them mom even if dad is a half time parent. Statistically, dad’s who are expected to pay support get pushed out of… Read more »
Good point Mark. Yes, that’s what I felt, that I was expected to just accept the non-custodial offer or risk a fight. But the whole reason we were in counseling, divorce counseling mind you, was to avoid the fight. Still that’s where the therapist went early on in our “planning.” Why?
The thing is…. divorce is expensive and hard on the kids. It’s not supposed to be easy. That isn’t to say that the laws around divorce couldn’t be improved. Here’s the thing..statistically speaking a man can make more than a women. And depending up the woman’s roll in the marriage… ie homemaker a lot of the time, with no post highschool edu and no means to make more than minimum wage. I have three kids. I was a homemaker, per our agreement, for 14 yrs. I didn’t go to college, I raised our kids, while he went to college. I… Read more »
I hear what you are saying RK. In my case this was not how things went down. And I am not debating the men/women earning thing, that too is a problem beyond my scope. But I agreed to a biased custody arrangement because that’s how the law works in Texas, 80% of the time. Now, I can look back on that decision and question if that’s a fair split, especially when I don’t get my kids even near half the time. I am sorry your case is so hard, and I do understand that there are many situations very much… Read more »
This is why I advise fathers to refuse to support mothers who want to stay home and not work. Any father who does that is walking into a trap. If a woman wants to stay home with children and so can’t get a good job after she divorces her husband, let’s extend to her just as much sympathy and flexibility as we do with a father who can’t pay child support after a divorce he didn’t want. That is, none. If she can’t earn enough after divorce to support the kids properly, send her to jail. It’s a basic rule… Read more »
RK Sorry for your situation. You’re obviously under the poverty line which entitles you to a number of subsidies. Have you researched those options including day care for your kids?