Why is crying unprofessional, but snark, shame, and rage are OK?
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My father was the “Stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” type. I was therefore surprised, on entering first grade, to find that little girls were allowed to cry. I was just as surprised to find that little boys were not allowed to cry, but they could scream and hit things. That seemed worth trying as an outlet, so once, on the playground, I yelled at a tree and hit its ragged trunk as hard as I could. Not only did I hurt my hand, I shocked the entire grade school with my “unladylike” behavior.
Men could express anger, women could cry. But men who cried were shamed and women who expressed anger were labeled.
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Entering the professional realm I found it much the same. Men could express anger, women could cry. But men who cried were shamed and women who expressed anger were labeled. The common ground between the genders seemed to be in snark and shame, emotionally abusive expressions of emotions that I observed did far more damage than the more overt expressions like yelling or crying.
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Throughout my years of business consulting I developed my own standard for “professional expression.” Basically, do not yell, use anger, shame, guilt, or snark, and never, ever, let anyone see me cry. Earlier today I edited an article for publication here on The Good Men Project that invited me to examine my position.
… I have scientific proof that tears are biologically less controllable for me than for most of my male counterparts.
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The article, “Just Let Her Cry — The Biological Reasons Women Shed More Tears,” cited research that explains the occasional over-brimming of my orbs. After years of refusing to cry, especially in public, and never in front of a colleague, I have scientific proof that tears are biologically less controllable for me than for most of my male counterparts.
When we examine the generally accepted stereotypes in business — that anger is a natural emotional response of a highly driven (and therefore success-prone) man and tears are the natural emotional response of a highly sensitive (and therefore unreliable) woman, that men who cry are even more over-sensitive and unreliable than women who cry (because tears are, of course, seen as an unnatural emotional response for males,) and that snark and shame are natural to all humans, it’s easy to see how tears have gotten a bad rap in the workplace.
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On the other hand, according to Anne Kreamer, author of It’s Always Personal: Emotion in the New Workplace, her research indicates that the attitude toward tears is changing. Emotions are gaining interest with scientists, and more information is coming to the forefront about the neurological and biochemical aspects of emotional responses and how they affect everything from relationships to decision making. She even says, “The old model of leaving your emotions at home and being totally logical at work is clearly just unrealistic.”
[research] even suggests that a workplace that honors human emotions will be more conducive to creativity and innovation which is good for people and the bottom line …
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And yet, my inner compass still says that professional demeanor doesn’t include bouts of anger or tears, and that being snarky or using public shame are never acceptable in or out of the workplace. But we are all human, just because I don’t believe that anger, tears, snark, or shame are acceptable doesn’t mean I’ve never been guilty of expressing my own fears, stress, anger, or grief in that way. So maybe I’m being too hard on myself and everyone else.
So what’s the answer? First off, for all that Kreamer’s research offers a lot of insights into the role all types of emotion plays in the workplace, and even suggests that a workplace that honors human emotions will be more conducive to creativity and innovation which is good for people and the bottom line, she also offers tips for managing your emotions at work. She recommends paying attention to emotional triggers, physically moving around in the office when you feel your emotions building, taking up stress relieving activities that act as an outlet for emotion, and generally employing self awareness to manage your need to display your emotions on the job.
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Still not satisfied, even though Kreamer’s advice seemed to mirror my own guidelines, I dug a little deeper into my own self awareness. Was my issue that the stereotypical “masculine” response to emotion was more acceptable than the “feminine” response? Well that is an issue, but a separate one. Was my issue that women who display anger are considered to be “aggressive” rather than “assertive?” Well that is an issue too, but a separate one. Was my issue that men are not permitted to show their emotion through tears without being labeled “crybabies” and weak? Oh yeah, big issue. But still a separate one.
Because when you use those expressions of emotion to achieve a desired result you aren’t just using a manipulative technique, you’re using the person who is being manipulated. And using another person is, by my standards, never, ever OK.
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No, I realized my “professional” issue was with the word “use.” My standard says “Do not yell, use anger, shame, guilt, or snark, and never, ever, let anyone see me cry.” When I ask myself if my standards are unreasonable, knowing that according to Kreamer’s research, about 25 percent of the workplace population is made up of of people who respond to stress or emotion by crying, and if you look only at the sampling that are women that number goes to 41 percent, I have to say, yes, they probably are.
But there is one area of my standard that isn’t unreasonable and it has NOTHING to do with gender. And that is that I will not USE anger, shame, guilt, snark, or tears. Because when you use those expressions of emotion to achieve a desired result you aren’t just using a manipulative technique, you’re using the person who is being manipulated. And using another person is, by my standards, never, ever OK.
I’m curious, what expressions of emotion do you think should be acceptable in the workplace? How do you handle emotion at work?
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This post has been republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto
The problem is bosses particularly bad bosses uses screaming, yelling, and anger to put fear and intimation into the workers and they are allow to get away with it but the work force is not allow to display these things against the bosses particularly the bad ones. There should be more laughter at work.