Brittany H. wants to hear it from the guys. Is she single because she wears cardigans — as a sign she is safe, predictable, practical — instead of, say, tube tops?
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What you’re about to read is a revelation. A come-to-Jesus moment, if you will. It’s the moment a girl realizes something she’s been racking her brain about for the better part of two years, finally to crack the code that’s all but cracked her.
I’ve wasted an unreasonable amount of time to determining why I’m single, usually boiling it down to any number of things. Instead of settling on the handful of legitimate, self-accepted reasons (I live in a college town, I don’t socialize frequently, I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder, etc.), I’ve concluded the issue may be a little more nonsensical than that.
I think I’m single because I wear cardigans.
You think I’m joking right now. I’m here to tell you that I’m not. You see, I’ve determined that the one article of clothing I love most (okay, just after my reliable jeans) perfectly represents what I am to the male species.
I am the personification of the cardigan. Think about this for a second, how would you describe a cardigan? Here’s how I’d answer:
- Comfortable.
- Predictable.
- Sensible.
- Useful.
- Practical.
- Versatile.
- Safe.
- Maternal/Nurturing.
Hi, have you met me? Probably not, but that is me in a nut shell. I’m the go-to girl. Steady, reliable, and available in a bind. I’m sensible, emotionally supportive. I’m practical. I’m all things reasonable and forward-thinking. I’m versatile. I’m safe, and basically live my life wearing a helmet and walking around in bubble wrap. Maternal and nurturing? Me. I want to tuck people in to bed and make them warn chocolate chip cookies on a regular basis.
So, okay. Call me Cardigan Girl, I guess. Why is that a problem, you ask? Because females and maybe a fraction of the male population within my demographic interpret those words — comfortable, predictable, sensible, useful, practical, versatile and safe — vastly differently than the majority of men. Men automatically feel smothered or emasculated or rushed or any variety of negative emotions or sensations when they see or hear those words.
♦◊♦
Who the hell wants to date a cardigan? Not many twenty-or-thirty something guys. Why? Stupidity mostly, but let’s consider a solid contrast for good measure. I live in the black and white world.
A tube top. If you’re a guy reading this, you may not even know that is. I’ll tell you here and now, it’s not an actual garment of clothing and thus my reason for making the following comparison is not in vain. If a cardigan is a wardrobe staple — surviving the sands of time and proving to be all things reliable and universal — the tube top is its polar opposite.
Follow me here, gentlemen and ladies. I’m about to take you to church here!
Girls like me, to the average guy, are “a dime a dozen”. You go to any retail location, and you’ll find a display or stack of cardigans. Often in the same styles, offered in a variety of colors, but all pretty uniform to the naked eye. Males, in my summation, assume that by some certain age, all females are ready to settle down and birth children and do laundry or any other number of chores. They assume we’re ready to settle down on our 12th birthdays. Which okay, in my case, is true. I’ve been a “wife” since I was 7. However, riddle me this, gents— at what age does a man start considering settling down? I’m not talking marriage, I’m talking “hey, let’s talk exclusively for longer than three months and see where things go.” This concept may not occur to a man nearly as soon as it does to a woman, and I know why.
Because of tube tops!
Ah, yes! — The flamboyant tube top is all things different and eye-catching, unpredictable and other wise largely sexy, right? It’s shiny and small, skimpy and “fun”. The cardigan? Eh. It’s covered. It doesn’t reveal much at first glance.
The skin below my navel hasn’t seen the light of day (other than pool side) in many years. Nor do I find it necessary or remotely attractive to show off my armpits regularly. But if I put on my man goggles, I can see why the shiny, glittery tube top generates a visceral reaction more quickly than the adorable cardigan.
Can we consider where each of these styles are worn for a moment? The cardigan has never stepped foot inside of a club. Coincidentally, the tube top is rarely seen outside of the club. And therein lies the “ah-ha!” moment for me: men like the tube tops.
I’ve been actively dating for the better part of two years now. Before each date, I rely on my best friend to send me on my way, with my best foot forward. And without hesitation, despite the season or location, she says the same thing: “You should wear a cardigan.”
And 99% of the time, I’m wearing a cardigan. It’s become my security blanket. Because on all the heinous dates I’ve been on in that time, I’ve wanted to literally curl up and die inside a cardigan at times. I recall a number of dates specifically I actively prayed my cardigan would find the ability to smother me. It’s been my go-to and my refuge during a long series of terrible dating experiences, and was even around for a few good guys too. I love you, gray cardigan.
I want a man— and this is the theory by which I live— only sees me in a room of a thousand girls and picks me a thousand days in a row, no questions asked. I want the guy who tells me, every day, that I rock my cardigan— hard!— and who appreciates a good pairing of a cardigan and some Chuck Taylors.
So, my search for the guy who loves cardigans continues. I don’t know where the cardigan-lovers are. I don’t know if they live in college towns. I don’t know if they’re in their twenties or thirties, and I don’t know if they’re single. But that’s what I’m looking for. With about as strong a sense of self as my 5’0’’ frame will allow, I refuse to abandon the cardigan that has never been anything but kind to me. And to you, sweet cardigan, I say thank you. I will never tire of your ways and never grow sick of you.
Gentlemen, help me (and my fellow cardigan girls) out. What is your initial thought when you see a woman in a cardigan?
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photo (main) by artbystevejohnson / flickr
photo (inset) by jemingway3 / flickr
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My thought of and about when i see i lady wearing a cardigan i immediately want to ask them if i could touch them to see what they feel like. I am very turned on when i see a women in/wearing a cardigan especially when they have/have got it buttoned up all of the way and especially when they are wearing their thick cardigans and especially when they have got them buttoned up all the way i just find it and them so fucking attractive is this weird or is it normal for me a 24 year old to like… Read more »
I know that cardigans reflect innocence and femininity if worn correctly, lambs wool and wool small buttons……………
I LOVE ladies wearing cardigans. I think they are the most elegant and attractive female garment ever except for long flowing skirts, which they go well with. I beseech my wife to wear them – soft fine knit ones, not so much chunky ones. I’m glad I was born in an age when the cardigan on ladies is so often seen.
I actually think a cardigan is very attractive, it does sweet and feminine and there are millions of options. Don’t change! I’m married, so can’t help you, but if I wasn’t I definely want a date just based on your essay!
I like cardigan women far more than tubetop ladies.
Tubetop screams, “Look at me! Look at me!!!
Cardgian invites- “Get to know me.” That’s far more appealing.
Wear the cardigan. Unbutton the cardigan. Tanktop, cami, or sports bra underneath, you are now in control of how much protection you want up. Send signals by buttoning or unbuttoning as you go along. Avoid tube tops though, they’re strictly for flashers. Adolescent minds are hypnotized by the thought that they might trip and fall and grab at the top of the tube top on their way down.
This is…interesting to me. I haven’t ever given much thought to how I’m buttoning the dang thing. Seldom is it buttoned, for what it’s worth.
Paging Dr. Cardigan. Dr. Cardigan to the Amygdala, STAT! I think you think too much. You say that you’re a “firecracker once I’m yours, but slow to let that guard down.” At 27, how many times have you been a firecracker for another person? By using the cardigan as a barrier between you and the guys you might enjoy spending time with, you are only pulling the wool over your own eyes. And you are doing these men a disservice by not getting to know them. You went out on another first date. You got out of your headspace. You… Read more »
Randy, I do think too much: fact. I have had a few serious relationships in my life, so I hope this post doesn’t misrepresent that. The pain that’s causing me to have these hesitations and insecurities are a direct result of two really bad, really messy relationships/breakups I’ve been through in my life, only exacerbated by two years of unsatisfactory, usually one-date experiences. I know my dating behavior is only hurting me, and that’s why I really am making an effort to unwind the cause of it, and come up with a solution. I think this is literally going to… Read more »
Men like one of two types of women, Ginger and Maryann. Maryann (cardigan) is a lot hotter because she’s a real woman, whereas Ginger is all surface. Hunt Collins had it even better in his 1956 science fiction novel, Tomorrow and Tomorrow. Vikes dressed to kill and were into porno and fetishes, but not actual sex. Rees acted repressed on the surface, but could actually have enjoyable sex. We’re finally there in Collins’s world, except our Vikes mime actual sex while being driven by fetishes.
I love this, Hank. You’re right, appearance is only so indicative of the girl I am. If guys only knew!
Thanks for reading.
I love this, Hank. You’re right, appearance is only so indicative of the girl I am. If guys only knew!
Thanks for reading.
Hi Mark, Obviously, I don’t actually sport bubble wrap or a helmet. I was speaking on lengths I take to protect myself emotionally. I get what you’re saying, in that having my guard up to such an extreme is only making me appear emotionally fragile and frail to the opposite sex, and that’s not the image I wish to portray. I’m very cautious; anyone who has known me for three minutes would likely confirm that. I’m one to only make calculated risks, and that’s a quality I’m only willing to alter to a certain extent. I realize if I completely… Read more »
“Obviously, I don’t actually sport bubble wrap or a helmet.” Metaphor. I got that. “I get what you’re saying, in that having my guard up to such an extreme is only making me appear emotionally fragile and frail to the opposite sex” That’s true to an extent. But it goes further than that. Your own need to be safe, to that extreme (that you would describe yourself as wearing a helmet and bubble wrap as a metaphor), can severely limit the options for enjoyment of whoever you’re with. Would you go camping in actual wilderness (as opposed to a plotted… Read more »
Mark, You raise really good points. Safety can become stifling, and my life demonstrates that. I don’t want to fear so much that I’m missing out on opportunities. Will I ever skydive or sleep in the woods, probably not. But I know I need to extend my comfort zone a little, if for no other reason than to be a more well-rounded individual. If doing so also opens up my dating pool a little, then that’s only an added bonus. I’m fun to be around, but that’s only when I leave my house. So, I need to leave my house.… Read more »
Two things immediatly jump out at me from your article: ” and basically live my life wearing a helmet and walking around in bubble wrap.” Being safe, comfortable is one thing, being being downright oppressive in your strive for safety is definitely a turn off. Especially in a college town. But even for an older guy like myself, it is an unappealing characteristic. If I was to have children with this person, would I be allowed to play with them how I want to without risking a divorce over “abusing the children”? The second thing is this: “Men automatically feel… Read more »
Seems easy to figure out.
If you play it safe, you’ll be with people who play it safe and rather bland. You can’t hope to stand out in the crowd and not take steps towards standing out. Step out of your comfort zone if you want to attract more interesting people.
At least you still get dates. If a guy plays it safe he’s likely to not even get any dates.
Brittany, Your dating life has nothing to do with the cardigans. I am a fairly conservative dresser and have hardly ever gone to clubs. Until recently, I had dated a number of guys and it never really “worked out.” Why didn’t it work all of those times? It was differences in personality, values, and closely held beliefs. About a year ago, I met the man who is now my fiancé. I didn’t meet him in a club or bar and I was not scantily clad when I met him. We met at work and started talking. Our relationship progressed from… Read more »
Hi Anna, Thanks for writing. It’s comforting to hear stories like this. You know, I have friends and family who think I’m on this mad dash down the altar, racing against my biological clock, and any other number of assumptions. It’s none of those. I’ll wait until I’m 83 years old if it means meeting a guy I connect with on every level. During moments of weakness and loneliness, have I settled? Yes, I think that’s human. But I know, long-term, that’s something I simply can’t allow myself to do. Committing to someone, like you said, who wouldn’t be fully… Read more »
Brittany, I think there is a very good chance you will find your guy, whoever he ends up being. 🙂 One friend of mine is a professional woman in her mid-thirties and after years finally found the guy for her within the last year. Another friend who is closer to your age (a teacher) was single for quite a while and then also found a guy within the last year. I think its just a question of going out there and meeting person after person with an open mind. And from my days of being single, I can tell you… Read more »
“Nor do I find it necessary or remotely attractive to show off my armpits regularly.”
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I’m looking at the pic next to your bio, and frankly I’m confused. Whose armpits are those, anyway?
Nah.
I don’t know what Amy Grindhouse is, but the following SFW photo immediately disproves the idea.
http://amygrindhouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Olivia-Wildes-Husband-Loves-Her-Sex-Scenes.jpg
I was going to posit that if you wear cardigans like the one in the header image, that might be the problem, because good lord is that an ugly sweater, but the one in the linked image isn’t much better.
It’s always less to do with clothing itself than how one wears the clothing one chooses.
The sweater in the header image is heinous. I could never own a sweater that would pill that badly. We’re in full agreement there. Even the linked sweater…not really my favorite. My go-to sweater looks way more like this: http://bit.ly/1038hjG
I don’t think that is exactly a nod to Mr. Rogers, but what do I know?
Um…surely if you like cardigans, you’d prefer to date a man who also likes cardigans? Right, like…isn’t finding someone who is compatible more important than simply finding someone?
We’re all constantly trying to alter ourselves to be more attractive to men (or to attract more women), but we kind of never stop to ask whether we would even be interested in the people we are attracting. We just assume that because conventional wisdom says that tube tops and make-up, and whatever else are most desirable, we should desire those who have those things.
Aaaaaand I realize that probably came across a bit harsh and I do not mean it to be.
You make great sense, HeatherN. And yes, finding someone I’m compatible with is my end goal. I could settle for someone who doesn’t value who I am or what I’m about, but that would lack the longterm potential I’m seeking. It’s along the same lines of me and tube tops. I could easily throw on a tube top, head out to the bar, and maybe attract a guy. Guys love shiny, sparkly objects. But I don’t want that guy, if he only liked me because I was shiny that night. I want the guy who wants the cardigan, or at… Read more »
B – Thanks for your reply. There are some great replies on here, Jane’s in particular speaks a lot of honest truth. You strike me as someone who is very open to self awareness and not defensive in receiving feedback which is a great thing. In terms of confidence I think Jane is right. Our concept of confidence and what we should be rather than what we are can be quite damaging. Confidence is often an illusion we feel we cannot live upto. In my experience its courage rather than confidence that is attractive. Courage isn’t about the absence of… Read more »
Phil, This feedback is invaluable to me. Obviously, I speak quite openly with my friends and family about my dating. They know the ins and outs, they’ve heard the horror stories, the moments of celebration, and everything in between. But I’m always looking for honest insight. All of these responses are an opportunity for me to really be objective. And you’re right, Jane has opened my eyes wider than I think they’ve been opened in a long time. You have had the same impact on me. Courage rather than confidence. That is huge! Here I consider myself such a coward… Read more »
I am a 43 year old soccer mom, but perplexing to me is the attention I seem to get from males as young as 20 to a LOT older than me. The 20 year old had a serious crush on me, his co-workers eagerly shared with me. I don’t dress sexy and have a small chest, yet I had a 29 yr old male recently compliment me on wearing a simple henley shirt (layered over a tank top, no less). All these men are sweet, attractive, and can easily catch any girl they want. I think clothing is not a… Read more »
Oh yeah, I have never, ever, in my entire life, ever, worn a tube top. I’m a city girl, but I don’t own pumps, and I don’t wear jewelry or paint my nails.
Jane, When you’ve got it, you’ve got it. Your perspective is really interesting to me. It sounds like you’ve never struggled with confidence, something I battle with every day. On my best days, I struggle to even fake confidence, or any semblance of what I think confidence would look like. I am my own harshest critic, and have to fight not to literally self-destruct in many situations. That said, you are right about acting the part of a partner I would want for myself. A relationship with a self-loathing guy wouldn’t work for me, so I shouldn’t expect a guy… Read more »
B – Quite the contrary. I grew up being shoved aside and made to feel infinitely inferior to my older adoptive siblings who attracted all sorts of attention, and to whom my adoptive parents purposefully favored. It took moving away from all that toxicity when I was 16 to realize that I am a worthy being, deserving of much more than I was ever allowed to believe. It took another 20+ years to finally stop finding ways to please, and find acceptance from, people incapable of unconditional love. In the meantime, I stayed emotionally distant because I didn’t want to… Read more »
Jane, Inferiority complex is something I really struggle with. Toxicity and judgment, and just about every word you shared here really resonate with me. I think you express your feelings beautifully, so if that’s something that comes with letting go and accepting self, I wait anxiously for that day. What you said about confidence just about knocked me out of my chair. I even sent a text to my best friend and had her read your comment. I must learn to free myself of the concern and judgment of others. I must stop wearing the words (or implied labels) of… Read more »
I suppose the fear is that if a woman possesses those cardigan qualities listed above, then she might also be boring and un-passionate. Of course obviously that isn’t necessarily true, however a tube top is more likely to communicate “FUN” “SEXY” “PASSIONATE” than a cardigan. Taking wild guesses based on what a person is wearing is hardly accurate, but it happens anyway, and sometimes the small talk of a first date isn’t any better. My main thought is that relatively few college guys are looking for a relationship. Even college girls are far more dubious about capital R relationships than… Read more »
Quantum, YES! My fear (I admit, it’s a fear) is that by remaining true to who I am (cardigan girl), I’ll never get the chance to demonstrate my other attributes (the fun, sexy, outgoing, passionate girl). I went out last night, on another first date. With some of this feedback in the back of my mind (I can’t begin to tell you the value I find in such honest interaction), I got out of my own self-deprecating headspace, and lived authentically: I laughed loudly, cussed in all the sincere places, and was my snarky, quirky self. He lead the conversation,… Read more »
Hi Brittany
You write well,and this was fun to read,but it also makes me sad.
Have you ever heard :” men tend to want what they can’t get”?
And have you heard about The Cinderella Complex?
Hi Iben, Thanks for writing, and for the compliment on my writing. And don’t be sad for me; it’s all a process, right? I have heard the notion that men want what they can’t get. That’s a dating game that has never made sense to me— the thrill of the chase. I’ve seen too many women keep up that charade for too long, utilizing it as a means of entertainment, for me to ever go out of my way to make a guy chase me. I realize, to the same extent, that being too available to a guy is also… Read more »
Here is a conundrum. What if you wear a cardigan with yoga pants??????? 🙂
or, an open cardi, a top boob, and yoga pants 😉
i meant tube top, not top boob
tube tops and top boobs do have similarities. 🙂
That would be an interesting look.
Here at ASU it’s the chicks in tube tops that are a dime a dozen. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cardigan here, even in the winter. That aside, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel sorry for you because you think guys don’t like girls who wear cardigans (I do. I think sexiness and attractiveness has everything to do with attitude, behavior, and personality, not the clothing you wear), or that you’ve had a consistently bad string of dates for the past two years. How are you getting dates if guys aren’t interested in you… Read more »
Brandon— yes! You’re in a college town, just like I am. Tube tops are the majority, even in the dead of winter. And like billboards, those tube tops yell “pick me, pick me!” and I seem to get lost in the shuffle. My post isn’t meant to generate pity. I’ve accepted myself for all I bring to the table, and I know I’ll be a strong partner to the right person. You’re welcome to feel badly about my luck dating, though. In my experience, I can get the date just fine. It’s two or three dates in, when there’s the… Read more »
Hi Brittany, Interesting article.It doesn’t feel as though this is really about cardigans though, it feels more about you wanting to feel wanted and desired for who you are. That’s understandable and what we all would like but i think we all have a balance to find between realistic and idealistic. I would wonder if you are unwittingly using the cardigan thing as some kind of test. As Danny said context is important, if you insist on wearing a cardigan regardless of the situation then there is something else going on and you risk proving yourself right at what cost?… Read more »
The cardigan is a barrier in every sense, I wholly admit that. It’s the physical manifestation of a security blanket. If we’re being completely honest (and I dig that everyone here is being so engaging and real with me; I need this in my life!), I do use the cardigan as a test. I’m nearly 27 and I live in a college town. This is the source for a majority of my struggle and insecurity. There are younger, bouncier, more spontaneous girls here. I’m surrounded by youth, and unfortunately for me, it’s very difficult to weed out the college kids… Read more »
Brittany, I see so much of me (mostly from the past) in the words you’ve written in the article and comments: Using that self-congratulatory* feeling of intense, active and open examination of yourself as an emotional shield and an excuse to avoid going out and actually living your life. It’s great that you have well-honed personal insight. I’d rather spend my time with people with good self-awareness and self-assessment skills, absolutely. But just imagine what would happen if you lavished this level of attention and thought on another person? It’s one of the single most flattering things you can do… Read more »
Jonathan, I’m glad there are others like me out there. Sometimes I’d swear I possess some rare chromosome. I’d love to get off my own case and focus on someone else. It’s funny, I have friends who assume I spend this level of judgment on guys I date, and that I keep spreadsheets of flaws and mistakes, and it couldn’t be further from the truth. I truly am my own worst critic. That said, I know I need to lay off. No guy is going to want to the girl who could draft a “three things to improve about herself… Read more »
I hope most men have the same non-reaction to a cardigan that you seem to have. Perhaps the setting matters most here. My fear is that, in a bar or at a sporting event, the male eye just naturally glazes over the cardigan and lands automatically on the shiny tube top. Yeah I would imagine that most male eyes would glaze over the cardigans in a bar/club because a cardigan is not what you would expect to see at such places. If you go to a convention for some fandom and only wear jeans and tshirt do you really expect… Read more »
Sexy camouflage just made me laugh— out loud— entirely alone.
Glad to see you enjoyed that.
But I say that because of seeing women talk about how they stand a chance of getting barraged with commentary and stares and looks from men regardless of what they wear.
So its like on one hand you have women say they are bothered by unsavory attention from men even when they wear supposedly non sexy clothes and women saying they are bothered by getting no attention from men when they wear supposedly unsexy clothes.
I have to say I like tube tops and cardigans alike.
Both are nice and practical depending on the time of the year.
Noted. I’d even be willing to try a tube top, in the proper setting, in the proper weather. It’ll just never be my go-to.
Danny, I hope most men have the same non-reaction to a cardigan that you seem to have. Perhaps the setting matters most here. My fear is that, in a bar or at a sporting event, the male eye just naturally glazes over the cardigan and lands automatically on the shiny tube top. In my experience, those characteristics – comfortable, predictable, sensible, useful, practical, versatile and safe- have been the kiss of death on my relationships, some more than others. I’ve found that most men seek an element of spontaneity in a woman, and that’s not necessarily one of the first… Read more »
Excuse me for being so superfluous and shallow, but judging from your profile pic there’s not a cardigan in the world that would make me just “glaze over”.
A girl never hates to be complimented. Thank you, that’s sweet of you.
I agree with Danny’s first comment completly. You said you have had several bad runs of dating…this would suggest you arent being over looked because of your clothing. It does seem to suggest disaster during the dating cycle however. A cardigan wouldn’t normally make me run the other way. I am 29 and single…so i can tell you with confidence that the sweater wouldn’t be an issue as far as me looking for a woman to possibly approach. Thats just my two cents however.
Missing from your list are words like fun, exciting, sexy, stimulating, interesting, etc… And you may well be those things. My wife was when I married her. When her nesting instinct kicked in, she gravitated over to your list. And those were qualities that she had when we were dating, that I recognized in her, that I appreciated then and do now. But to my mind, they are pretty bland and universal qualities. However important they are. I kind of assume anyone you decide to settle down with will have a healthy representation of those things. It’s the fun, exciting,… Read more »
That nesting instinct you mention? I think I’ve had a case of that since I was eight years old. That said, I completely agree with you – the newness, and excitement is crucial to any relationship, regardless where things are in the relationship. Dating, for me (and I’m certain most others?), is most difficult in the beginning. It’s the initial first three dates that seem to be where we realize we don’t align. I’ve got an unwavering sense of self, so maybe the way I’m presenting my values and needs is what’s hindering me, versus my physical presentation or the… Read more »
Well, who knows? Maybe try just spending a few dates having fun and seeing if you enjoy each other’s company? I think the first few dates are easy… the excitement of someone new, small talk, low expectations, no obligations beyond courtesy. And also no baggage. If on the first few dates I was hearing a lot about someone’s values and needs, I might walk too. Tube top or sweater.