Do Men Only Want Sex?

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About Jackie Summers

Jackie Summers is an author and entrepreneur. His blog F*cking in Brooklyn chronicles his quest to become a person worthy of love. His company, Jack From Brooklyn, Inc. houses his creative and entrepreneurial enterprises. Follow him on Twitter @jackfrombkln and friend him on Facebook

Comments

  1. Why can’t you make your own sandwich ;)?

    Seriously, though. I have no issue with men and women both wanting to fuck like bunnies in the spring. What I’d like to see is more equity then for women who do. Don’t treat us badly for doing it, since it’s apparently what you all want too. Not you as in Jackie, but you as in “men.” Cause there is still stigma against that sexual freedom for women, (purity balls, anyone? Gross. http://bitchmagazine.org/post/preachers-daughter-sexual-violence-and-discourses-of-purity).

    And both parties should make good sandwiches for each other.

    • …U Radical…

    • I agree. Jackie, make your own sandwich. And make one for her too.

    • Fine by me, Julie. What the world needs is lot less fighting and lot more f***ing.

      “Do men only want sex?” Of course not–we want AT LEAST sex, and preferably a whole lot more.\

    • …and there’s stimga for men who objectify women whereas women can talk about how “hot” men are all day and night and no one cares. It goes both ways, Julie.
      http://goodmenproject.com/men-and-feminism/i-have-female-privilege/

      • Exactly. And let’s not forget about other thigns. The media drags us around by our genitals, trying to sell everything by appealing to our sex drives and women’s insecurities in one pass. So we are being dragged by our genitals and not our minds.

        Just as well, there is also an element of virgin shaming for us men. YOu are considered unexperienced, meek, and undesirable if there hasn’t already been someone else willing to sleep with you.

        And like slut-shaming, virgin-shaming is largely pushed by our OWN genders. But by being sexually related, we often feel these pressures come from the other gender. Most girls I know are okay with or prefer virgins, and the vast majority of guys are ecstatic about girls openly displaying their sexuality.

        (As far as sexual history of partners goes, the level of stigma actually seems fairly equal between genders in my experience, and has more to do with cultural context than anything particularly hard-wired.)

        • One more bit as well:

          Women are pressured into being non-sexual. Men are pressured into being sexual. Think about which one is more potentially damaging. But then look at which issue is getting more attention.

  2. Why can’t you make your own sandwich ;) ?

    Seriously, though. I have no issue with men and women both wanting to hop on each other like bunnies in the spring. What I’d like to see is more equity then for women who do. Don’t treat us badly for doing it, since it’s apparently what you all want too. Not you as in Jackie, but you as in “men.” Cause there is still stigma against that sexual freedom for women, (purity balls, anyone? Gross.)

    And both parties should make good sandwiches for each other.

    • My wife and I have a deal: She makes the sandwiches. But, I cut the grass, do all home maintenance, all car maintenance, most of the cleaning, 1/3 of the grocery shopping, did 100% of baby bathing, 100% of overnight diaper changing, 100% reading of bedtime stories, do 100% of outside play, and make 100% of the money. She gets to live in a large house on a large wooded lot with the one of the best school systems in tne country, and does pretty much whatever the heck she wants. She’s supersmart and could be at a job right now but prefers to be at brunch, which is where she is.

      I think getting a sandwich made every now and then is fairly reasonable.

      Nothing against women with dozens of sex partners but that wasn’t my thing prior to marriage and had no intention of marrying anyone with that kind of history. It would have been a mismatch. Compatibility is key to marital longevity.

      • Yeah, I agree. But in keeping with what I wrote below, even though I haven’t had dozens of sex partners by a long shot and it’s not my thing, whether I would marry a guy who had depends on a lot of factors. If the only reason he didn’t have a lot of sex partners was because he didn’t want them, great. But if he wanted them and had trouble getting women to accept his advances, and his sex life was frustrating through his young adult life, I’d see that as a red flag, and a sign that he might be headed for a midlife crisis later.

        By the same token, if he’d had dozens of sex partners and still thought it was a great thing to do, I wouldn’t go for that. But if he’d had those dozens of sex partners and was really burned out on it and truly realized it wasn’t what he wanted anymore, I could live with that, all other things being equal. People do sometimes grow up and change, and feel they know their own needs better as a result of going through phases like that. If a man knows himself, however he came by that knowledge, and knows what he wants and that he wants me, I feel much more secure about that than a guy who’s never experienced enough to know what he really wants or has been denied what he wanted for much of his life.

        • Much of that is solved by gettimg to know the person extremely well.

          To each his/her own. For me, I simply didnt want and was not going to accept a woman with anything near that kind of history. Not judging anyone. Just my personal requirement.

      • Eric M, if your spouse makes 0% of the money, she is not getting a good deal. BTW, tell us about all the housework and childcare she does.

        If the man makes 100% of the money, he is the dominator and that is not a good thing.

        • Marie, I said this: “She’s supersmart and could be at a job right now but prefers to be at brunch, which is where she is.”

          To simplify what I thought was obvious: she “earns” 0% of the money but spends as much as she wants. Her needs and wants (and the kids) come before mine. She has worked in the past, and can work if she wants but prefers not to. It’s her choice.

          She cooks, does laundry, and about 2/3 of the grocery shopping. I do the rest.

          If you don’t think that’s fair, be sure to not live that way. I am not telling others how to manage their households, just what works for us. I know, I know. I am a horrible, patriarchal, totalitarian, misogynistic man, the kind that feminists hate.

      • Eric, how many sex partners did you have before you married?

        I know promiscuous men who want to marry virgins. No comment.

        • Marie, again, to quote what I wrote above: “Nothing against women with dozens of sex partners but that wasn’t my thing prior to marriage. . .”

      • Eric, this sounds like a pretty fair deal to me. I’d ask you to marry me but 1) you’re already married, and 2) somehow I don’t think I’m quite your type.

        JFB

  3. Actually Julie I’m a helluva cook, and there are few things I love more than fixing a meal for a loved one. But I am 100% on board with you about sexual equality. I’ve written extensively about getting rid of outdated social memes; may we all move forward to a place where we are seen and respected for who we are and slough useless “isms” like a cicada’s dead skin.

    JFB

  4. Good on ya. Good cooks all round! Translates into the bedroom!

  5. wellokaythen says:

    Do men only want sex?

    Even if the only answer to the question is yes, it could be that sex is actually a means to an end and not the goal itself. Maybe we only want sex because we think of sex as the only way to get ____, which is deep down what we really want….

    • Yeah. My theory is that because men have been conditioned to shut down most of their emotions throughout history, which is the only way they could go to war and work in horrible jobs and all the other things men were expected to do, they often channel their other emotions into sex. Sex is one of the few ways men have been permitted to express themselves, so I imagine that sex often pinch hits for other emotions the man might want to express but doesn’t know how.

      This isn’t true of women, so women enjoy sex for what it is (assuming we’ve managed to ditch our own historical baggage of sexual shame) but are also comfortable expressing our feelings of love, joy, pain, etc. in ways other than sex, and have a more holistic idea of sex (tend to want sex and love to go hand in hand), etc. Sometimes a man has to be dragged into a loving relationship kicking and screaming, because it’s out of his comfort zone and requires him to break out of that box of expressing everything through sex, but most men find a real relationship much more fulfilling (including the sex) once they end up in one. This is something a guy who spends his whole life at casual sex will never experience, but the chances are he doesn’t know that yet.

  6. Really good post Jackie. I agree that it seems a lot of the most well adjusted men are those who were able to do a lot of f*cking around when they were young. Most do get sick of it after awhile and realize they want something more, and then have no problem settling down afterward. Many men who’ve never been through this phase get married young, have only ever been with their wives and maybe a few other women, then spend their lives wondering “what if” and have a meltdown at midlife and want to try to make up for what they never had.

    So I’m all for anyone (and that includes women) who wants to do a lot of screwing around when they’re young to go ahead and do it (making sure to take the appropriate precautions, of course). But it shouldn’t be taken as a given, either. I’ve never had any desire to be promiscuous and I would say it isn’t as common a desire in women in general; there are also plenty of men who have little or no desire for it either. But if you’re going to do that, do it when you’re young and have no other responsibilities. Deciding you want to go crazy after you’ve already married and maybe had a couple of kids is not cool.

  7. Obviously men don’t literally only want sex. Sometimes they get bored during sex and go off and do something else. Sometimes they stop during sex because they can’t go on anymore. Sometimes they say no the chance to have sex because they would rather do something else. Yeah, maybe they’d rather be having sex with someone else and not me, but logically that means they don’t ONLY want sex. Maybe men only want “good sex” or only want to get off, but that’s not the same as only wanting sex. Maybe the answer has to be qualified?

  8. The Bad Man says:

    I think this a bad stereotype that men only want sex and they want it all the time. I think it has a lot to do with maturity, as it appears that younger men are very motivated by sex and think of it often. As you grow older, things balance out and sex is no longer a primary motivation. No, I’m not THAT old, I’m only 40 but I don’t think about sex regularly.

    I’ll make my own sandwich, she can mow the lawn.

    • Agreed Bad Man, the stereotype is so bombastic, the only way to address it is with overt sarcasm. You’re right; maturity plays a part and everyone takes a different path to maturity. The important thing is that you get there, and enter into relationships with the ability and desire to be fully present.

      JFB

    • I don’t know about that..I know guys over 40 who aren’t much different from younger ones.

  9. Tom Matlack says:

    Dude I found myself laughing out loud reading this thing. Just what I needed on a Friday afternoon after a long day of travel before heading into yet another social obligation with the love of my life. ” or a man and woman and another woman” … you had to put that in there didn’t ya? LOL. My only experience with that kind of thing at the ripe old age of 21 did not start or end well and nothing much happened in between.

    On a more serious note. I like the idea about biology driving our lust and our love instinct. As I have written over and over again I want to love more and better and more fully. That is what my heart desires. Yes my wife is gorgeous and I want her physically (sorry honey but it’s true). But in the end it’s holding her through the night and the bond of being man and wife and having each other’s back through thick and thin that is what keeps me coming back for more, trying to do better and even understand the female mind from a male perspective, something that is none to easy to do but every once in a while, when you get it right, is the best high there is. Yes, even better than a great sandwich.

    • Tom, “man and wife” is such a male chauvinistic phrase. Stop using it.

      I regurgitated when you said “man and wife.” Whenever you talk about your spouse, you always mention her looks first. Stop doing that, Tom.

      I want to hear your spouse’s first and last name (I hope is it NOT Matlock.) I want to hear about her career. (Of course, I want her to make more money than you.) I want to hear about how she don’t take any crap from you,.

      I want to hear about her strength, her intellect, her feminist activism. I want to hear how much she is teaching you and leading you.

      Please apologize for saying man and wife. When you said that, you were implying that the woman is the man’s property, you were implying that “the man is the one.”

      If I said, “Go and be woman and husband,” you would probably be offended.

      And in the future, please do NOT talk about your spouse’s looks. I do not think you respect and admire your spouse as a full human being, as a leader in the relationship.

    • Tom, go be woman and husband. Yes, go be woman and husband.

      If you feel taken aback by that statement, then consider how insulting it is to say man and wife.

      And then apologize. You said man and wife. Why didn’t your editor catch that extremely offensive, archaic, male chauvinistic statement?

    • “Yes my wife is gorgeous and I want her physically (sorry honey but it’s true).”

      But isn’t she brilliant, isn’t she strong, isn’t she a good provider, isn’t she a leader? Stop just talking about your wife’s looks. And tell us her name. Stop treating her like a piece of property.

      “But in the end it’s holding her through the night and the bond of being man and wife”

      MAN AND WIFE???????????????????

      MAN AND WIFE????????????????????????????????????

      That phase makes me vomit. It is so old fashioned and male chauvinistic. When are you going to talk about her holding you thought the night and protecting you?

      Tom, you are so patronizing towards women.

      • MAB, it isn’t your place to question Tom’s love and appreciation for his wife. That privilege belongs to her, alone. If she’s happy, and they’re happy, let them be happy.

        If you really feel this site is patronizing to women, there are many places online where you can share your viewpoints with people of a like bent.

        JFB

      • I can’t get that excited about the “man and wife” thing. The word “wife” actually comes from the Old English word for “woman” (“wif”), or so I recall from a college English class on Beowulf and Anglo-Saxon Literature. You are my wife, you are my woman, it meant the same thing. It’s equally patriarchal from that perspective. In Spanish, “hombre y mujer” means either man and woman or husband and wife depending on context. I don’t think Spanish speaking cultures are less sexist than ours. In fact, from traveling in Spain and Latin America, I’d say they are significantly more sexist. (From checking Wikipedia just now, I learned that the Anglo-Saxon word word “wif” — woman — may have come from a proto-Indo European word that meant both the female genitals and “shame.” Yikes, that doesn’t sound too good either.)

        • Anyway, my point is that being offended by words is often kind of pointless (unless they are intentionally offensive, obviously, like racial epithets)

      • Tom Matlack says:

        Kathy, MAB, Marie:

        Really? Okay I am sorry if I offended you in any way. But jez, I just don’t get why my comment on Jackie’s article causes you to unleash such a torment of anger towards me. Yes I truly didn’t think about “man and wife” before using it. I just as often use husband and wife or man and woman. I suppose the language shows my own ignorance. But I also just think the ideas matter, the context matters, the intent matters. If you have read me at all you know I am a feminist, that I have a daughter and wife who I support completely and work my ass off to be the best husband and father to despite all the sexism in this world, including sexual objectification and pornography that colors particularly my 17 year-old daughter’s self image to the point where we are collectively dealing with serious mental health issues. I agree with Jackie. Comments are a critical part of this discussion. We often find that outspoken commenters become great writers for GMP (which you are welcome to do, just email at the info address on the home page) but please don’t rip a commenter or writer a new asshole out of context without understanding that you are destroying the community of open discussion about gender, sex, and manhood that by showing up your participating in.

        I will use man and woman going forward if I am talking about straight marriage. Point taken.

  10. MorgainePendragon says:

    Do men only want sex? Sometimes, I’m sure the answer is yes.

    Maybe it’s yes all the time for some men.

    And the EXACT SAME is true for women.

    Right now, I “only” want sex (actually, the phrase should be “want ONLY sex”. If you ONLY want sex, that means you don’t want food, sleep, intellectual stimulation, oxygen, sandwiches, your dog, or anything else. You ONLY want sex, to the exclusion of everything else).

    Anyway, I want only sex (as opposed to a long-term pair-bonded monogamous relationship). BUT I am only interested in sex with someone I can relate to on a number of different levels, and I don’t want to have to go looking for a new one every time I want sex, so what I really want is a Friend With Benefits (I do love that phenomenon ;-)

    So I’m perfectly OK with some men (all the time) and even all or most men (some of the time) wanting ONLY sex (as opposed to a LTR).

    Just as long as it’s OK for me to want the same thing.

    • Pendragon, thank you for sharing your perspective. I think as long as people approach each other with honesty and clarity, we can continue to make progress as a species. Whoever you are choosing to extend your affections to is clearly a very fortunate man.

      JFB

  11. MorgainePendragon says:

    Oh, and BTW, I’m happy to mow the lawn and change the oil if you will make the sandwiches and wash the dishes (and vacuum. I’m like Roseanne, I’ll vacuum when they make me a riding vacuum cleaner).

  12. Brilliant piece Jackie. Brilliant. The day a man find the woman he love more than getting in her pants. He know his life has changed chapters. And parterns. But come to think of it. If the Sandwich making ability is just as unique as the womans sexing ability. Put a ring on it bro.

  13. Thanks for a great article and thanks for including that many women think about sex a lot of the time too. I think if you’re absolutely right that most people go through various phases of wanting just sex, lusting, and being ready for serious relationships. For some people, it might take a lot longer than others for it ‘leave their system,’ and for some, it never does. You can’t try and repress lust in young men or women. That would just make it worse or lead to generations of bitter people who wonder ‘what if’ or make rash decisions later in life when they have more responsibilities. You can just try and educate people about sex and relationships and make sure that they’re safe, honest, and ethical in what they do. As for the rest—everyone has their own experiences and journey. From young, idealistic hopes for love, to the intoxication of having great sex with new people, to the ability/desire to work at a mature relationship (whether it’s heterosexual, homosexual, non-monogamous, asexual, etc).

    Eric—you have a good point about compatibility, and you know what works for you. As long as you don’t judge others who choose different lifestyles. I personally think that there’s much more to compatibility than numbers our even outward interests. I *think* that I would rather be with a man or woman has gotten a lot of that stuff out of their system because I’ve had better experiences with people who have, but I also understand that some people take a different path and can also be great partners. I also know that if I didn’t get it out of my own system, I’d be overwhelmed with regret (what if?), and sexual thoughts and the pedestalization of every other guy or girl I see.

    Also, now I have a hankering for a sandwich. :)

    • Aya,

      RE: “As long as you don’t judge others who choose different lifestyles”, while I don’t “judge” (I don’t think), I do have my personal preferences and beliefs. I’m not going to insult or demean anyone for having different views or making different choices, but I may very well personally disagree with their lifestyle or choices.

      You and I may see things differently, and that’s OK.

      I hope the sammich was good!

  14. I love fucking, making love, etc., but It gets boring and frustrating being with a guy whose just goes with his dick, and doesn’t have an open heart.

  15. Here’s my question: why do so many authors on this site seem to think that, by rehtorically rooting their explanations for human behavior in the biological, such explanations become unassailable?

    First of all, Jackie, “love” and “sex” in many cultures are treated as functionally equal. The whole romantic notion of love is a very recent creation in human culture and not some sort of biological imperative.

    If you want a biological imperative to hang your theory on, here’s one: humans seem to be programmed to believe that sharing substances means intimacy. Sex, of course, is probably the best way to do this. Sex thus did indeed play a strong role in the development of human society because humans seem to find it hard to turn away from what they consider to be “like” and “theres”.

    This is most probably the root of what you call “love”.

    “Real love” is hard to find because it’s a romantic notion which is culturallky imbided and which will be different for almost everyone. Oh, and it’s HIGHLY idealistic.

    If you’re looking for “love” in biological terms, it begins with sharing substances with your fellows and then treating them as if they were yourself. This is, of course, the basis of Christianty’s Golden Rule, if you think about it (“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”) and also its most sacred ritual of sharing symbolic flesh and blood and becoming brothers and sisters in Christ.

    Sex just happens to be a much more immanent and direct way of creating that feeling.

    Older religions than Christianity realized this, which is why so many of them incorporated sex into their rites, going so far even as to have temple priestesses who engaged in sex with worshippers.

  16. I think you’re looking for the term “reciprocal altruism”. I also think you’ve placed the cart before the horse in a sense – sharing is not a necessity for sex, but the type of sexual dimorphism humans tend to employ is best developed and exploited in a context of reciprocal altruism.

  17. I think both men and females should enjoy themselves, explore bodies. Sex can complicate things, if you let it. I’ve met men who fall faster than women and vice versa. Just be careful because diseases do exist, sadly.

  18. If you want to meaningfully discuss the biology of the difference between sex and love, I think you can’t forget to include a discussion of our closest genetic cousin, the bonobo chimpanzee, that peaceful, pansexual ape who has lots of sex and even more love.

  19. I agree with you – our modern society now encourages women to speak up and express more of their sexuality. And that men do not only want one thing – Men only want one woman who can give them a lot of things. And love is an act of unlimited giving. Though I’m no man, I think all in all men are more similar to women than they are different. I think I can put myself in a guy’s shoes and then act accordingly to my own manly fantasies.

  20. As a guy who doesn’t want sex I thought I would raise my hand and say hi. We do exist and I have been hoping we would have some articles about us on GMP. All the articles about men who don’t want sex havev the underlying assumption that something has gone wrong in the relationship and that it can be fixed. Yet I’m single and don’t want it. What I want is a female compainion more than anything or a woman who only wants sex rarely but is happe to do the relationship stuff. You would think that women like that are easy to find. But no, they are not. And when you say no to an attractive woman who is hot for it they tend to get really offended and never come back.
    Good article as always.

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