Ben Stich knows you love your kids more than you hate your ex. Here’s how you can show it.
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There is a family judge in Massachusetts who has a sign hanging on her door that reads:
Do You Hate Your Ex More Than You Love Your Kids?
Provocative question, right?
You might be thinking “of course I don’t — that’s just ridiculous!” Maybe you are even offended by the suggestion.
So why then would a judge so brazenly post this message?
After all, the chances are that if you are separated or divorced you are working hard to do the best you can to protect your kids from any harm stemming from the breakup. Your intentions are probably in the right place.
Sadly, sometimes intentions are not enough. Too often negative unintended harm comes to kids because of the conflict, tension, or even ill will that exists between exes.
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How Parents Can Make the Effects of Divorce on Children of Divorce Even Worse
Since this article started by posing the judge’s provocative statement, let me ask another provocative set of questions: If divorced parents love their kids more than hate their ex, then why do so many co-parents…
Complain on the phone to their friends about their ex within earshot of the kids, or….
Fail to buy a Mother’s or Father’s day card for the child to give to the other parent, or…
Dig for information from their child about the other parent’s social life, or…
Roll their eyes when the child tells them about something the other parent said or did, or…
Ask the child to choose between attending an activity with Mom or attending another equally enticing activity with Dad, or…
Have their child pass messages on from one parent to the other parent, or…
Argue at pick-up and drop-off with the ex, or…
Fight endlessly over a parenting schedule leaving the child in uncertain limbo about the future plan, or…
Litigate endlessly to stick it to the ex, or…
Before you react defensively please take a breath.
Seriously.
I am NOT suggesting you are a bad parent if you can relate to any of these examples.
These are common behaviors among divorced parents and let’s admit it, the judge’s question contains quite a bit of hyperbole.
But it certainly got your attention, right?
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How Parents CAN Decrease the Negative Effects of Divorce on Children of Divorce
Now, let’s do a reframe. Let’s say that it is clear that a parent loves their kids more than they hate their ex, and we know that because they:
Make sure to never complain about the parent within earshot of the children…
Go out of the way to make sure their child honors the other parent’s birthday and Mother’s and Father’s Day
Never use the children as a source to get information about the other parent…
Listen attentively and without judgment when the children are talking about the other parent…
Never ask the children to choose between Mom and Dad…
Communicate directly with the parent rather than having the children pass messages back and forth…
Behave politely with the other parent during pick-up and drop-off…
Establish a parenting plan in a timely manner that is geared to the child’s best interest rather than the parent’s…
Improve communication and decrease conflict by working with a divorce mediator, rather than litigate…
The bottom line is that kids of separated, divorced or never-married parents are hyper-aware of and sensitive to the relationship dynamics between their parents. When you get angry, frustrated, exasperated, furious, indignant and outraged at your ex, please remember this:
You Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex!
Remembering this could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your kids.
Please reply below to share other strategies that can minimize the negative effects of divorce on children!
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This article was re-printed from Ben’s blog.
For more articles by Ben Stich, check out:
The Most Important Ingredient For Improving Communication
What Are You Even Talking About?! How to Better Understand Your Partner
Marriage, Divorce, & Marketing Fear to Men
Jedi Training for Resolving Relationship Conflicts
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Image: Frédéric de Villamil/Flickr
Great points but you are talking about 2 people who for many reasons no longer care for one another. Buying a father/ mothers / birthday card. Honestly why would you want to think of your ex’s birthday. Let the other parent celebrate it with the kids on their own terms. The kids usually make cards at school. I am still married and i have to ask my husband to take the kids to get me a gift do you think I would be doing the same if we were divorced? There has to be a point when you are no… Read more »
You describe a common dynamic, Lissa. If the focus of the parent is the kid’s healthiest and best experience than yes, I’d argue these examples can — and sometimes do — happen. I remember working with a divorced mother who had experienced emotional abuse by her ex. He had mental health issues and actively undermined her with the three kids. Yet, she recognized that fostering a healthy relationship between the kids and their father was in the kids’ best interest, despite how much it tore her up inside (and she had a great therapist who helped her process and vent… Read more »
Any statistics on the prevalence of personality disorders in these cases? When I went thru my divorce, I was surprised to find out how few divorces end up in court. I think the Antisocial Personality traits explain, not just the divorce, but also the litigious custody battle and attempts to rally my children against me. But the courts seem to prefer a heated argument with unsubstantiated claims of abuse, rather than a Father seeking joint custody because he DOES love his children more than he hates his ex. What’s a guy to do?
There certainly are discussions that happen in the field about the role of personality disorders but I don’t know of any statistical information. I can’t imagine a way to scientifically measure such a thing. There is no question that there are fathers out there who feel wronged by the courts, especially when there is a presumption in favor of mothers. I imagine your questions are more rhetorical than anything…and all you can do is focus on the things within your control. You’re not going to change your ex — finding ways to minimize points of conflict and find area of… Read more »
Great article. Thanks for your insightful input!
I’m a Licensed Counselor & Certified Mediator for the state of Texas & although this article is very accurate & insightful 9 times out of 10 the parent(s) who needs to be reading this article isn’t. I agree that BOTH parents should be mature & think about the kids over themselves BUT that scenario is VERY rare because in my experience there is ALWAYS one or both of the parents who refuse to cooperate whether they understand that they’re doing damage to their child(ren) or not.
It certainly can be an uphill battle in many circumstances. I know writing a post like this has limited exposure. I agree that often people who read things like this are the wrong audience. I have found a few ways to get a post like this out to a broader audience: a retired judge I know runs a high conflict parenting class and distributes this to the participants; I teach one of the court-mandated divorce parenting class that ALL divorcing parents in MA are required to attend and share this with everyone; when I first posted this I received emails… Read more »
Thanks John — so glad you enjoyed it!