Have you worked out yet the men with the answers are the ones you’re least likely to ask?
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I think all of my female friends have asked me this at some point in one variation or another. The good ladies, the ones that genuinely care for the people in their lives, I know they really want to know. They read up about it, ask about it and try and delve into a man’s soul. They want their man to open up and tell them, yet I know they come away frustrated, unable to penetrate the barrier that is man.
Honestly we don’t really know, not fully, not when we are safe, strong and secure. It’s a distant memory, a sort of foggy “yeah we sort of want this, it gives us the warm and fuzzies”. It’s not the strong safe and secure men you should be asking. The men you should be asking are the ones who have lost it all, the ones who feel the loss so keenly it breaks their heart. These are the men you should be asking, but people don’t talk to heartbroken men, the men who need the most.
We are supposed to be men, there for your emotional support. Yet have you ever stopped to think who emotionally supports a man.
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Us men, we ache to be vulnerable, to let our guard down, to let someone inside and to be let inside. We ache to let our emotions out. We are trained not to from birth and showing vulnerability in public has risks and costs. Even showing this side to our partners we only do in little bits and pieces. We are supposed to be men, there for your emotional support. Yet have you ever stopped to think who emotionally supports a man. Think back and recall if you have ever had a friend say she rejected a man because he was too needy and emotional, I’ve certainly heard it. Think about the message that sends to men.
Now look at that heartbroken man. Can you not see his pain right there in his chest, see him looking desperately for someone he can open up to, looking to let that pain out, share it so he can heal? He just lost that one person who offered him a modicum of support, gone, no more. So now he needs to be vulnerable and he is stuck. Is that not what a man needs right there?
Us men, we ache to be touched, to feel that most basic of human connection and to touch someone back. No one touches men, not their friends, not their parents, no one. A man asking for touch, for connection, well he’s gay, effeminate or worse a creep. A real man must forgo the thing that matters most; he must prove to society that he doesn’t require the closeness, the connectedness, the belonging that comes from touch.
Now talk to that heartbroken man, ask him what he misses. He may not be able to name it, he just knows he no longer has it. How does this man describe a language that doesn’t have words, how he can he tell you the conversations he misses most were said with silence. A man who needs a hug the most no longer has that one person who would touch him. So now he needs to be touched and he is lost. Is that not what a man needs right there?
The outside worth of a man is judged on this purpose, his utility, the value he provides to others.
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Us men, we need a reason, a self-validation that the things we do have purpose and that this purpose is valued. The outside worth of a man is judged on this purpose, his utility, the value he provides to others. Think of the men you know who have no purpose, the drifters, the wastrels. Society considers them losers and censors them for their sloth. A man knows he needs to be needed or we are worthless. In a twist of irony though it’s rare we will hear this from others, it’s only when we fail that we find out how far we fell.
Can you feel the ripples this heartbroken man makes, the man who wants to heal? He throws himself into his work, into his hobbies or throws every ounce of his being into defining himself anew. What sort of man is he, well he doesn’t know yet, but he knows he lost his mirror. He knows he lost the person he could count on to show him he was needed, wanted and valued for who he was. So now he needs a purpose or what point is there? Is that not what a man needs right there?
There are other things a man needs like trust, companionship, partnership, confidants and more. You will see these in a heartbroken man. He might become bitter and mistrusting, he may call his friends more frequently; want company more frequently, tell people too much information. You might label such a man as needy, yet think about that label. He is needy, yes he has needs and those needs, well are they not exactly what a man needs. He has a void to fill now and he is reaching out to friends and family to try and fill it as best he can. Those things, the things he is trying to replace, well when you want to know what a man needs you have your answer. They lie in the broken cracks of a heartbroken man.
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Photo: Flickr/Celestine Chua
*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
Also by Luke Davis
What A Man Wants In A Marriage | What it Takes to See a Man’s Feelings | Have You Seen a Man’s Heart? | Why Date a Man Who Dances? |
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