In a society obsessed with appearance- are looks all that matter in matters of love?
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Okay I admit it. I have been married twice, and both times I’ve been married to gorgeous women. My current wife (I lost my first wife tragically) is in the top one percent in terms of looks and beauty. She is beautiful, she dresses beautifully, and has the makeup and hair and the jewelry. She is the total package. I notice when we go many places the kinds of looks that she gets. If you’re a guy, you know what look I mean; it is “the look.” I also sometimes see men who look at me and look at her, and you can see their thought process, “Hmm … I wonder how he was able to snag her.”
Each morning at breakfast, I would grab a bowl of cereal and log on to each dating site to look at that day’s selections of women that I was matched with.
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Throughout my life, I have heard many men, when people are trying to fix them up with a blind date, whose first question is always “What does she look like?” So I wonder — does every man want to be married to someone who looks like a supermodel? We often see in our society’s supermodels and celebrities such as Heidi Clum, Halle Berry, or Christie Brinkley who have had failed marriages. I hear people talk about these failed marriages and they say things like “You have to be kidding me — who wouldn’t want to be married to Heidi Clum?” Or “Man- why would a guy let a woman like Halle Berry get away?” or “Christie Brinkley is hot– who wouldn’t want to be married to her?”
So what are we saying when we say those things? We are saying that those women are beautiful and we can’t imagine why anyone would not want to be married to them. That is just based on appearance alone and is not based on personality or character or morals or values or commonality or belief systems or who they are as a person; it is solely based on how they look. It’s the gift wrap and bow, not what is in the box.
For a short time I was single, and I was a member of two different dating sites. Each morning at breakfast, I would grab a bowl of cereal and log on to each dating site to look at that day’s selections of women that I was matched with. It was both fascinating and overwhelming to have so many women that were possible matches for me. I also learned something about myself in that process. I will admit that one of the things I noticed about myself, is that I gravitated toward the women who were beautiful first, and tended to ignore or eliminate the women who were not beautiful. Is that fair? Did I eliminate wonderful amazing women who probably had so much to offer? Maybe.
So here are some questions I think we need to ask ourselves as men in need to carefully examine how we view the world and how we view women.
- Just because a woman is hot or attractive does that automatically mean she would make a good wife or partner? I’m not saying the fact that she’s attractive means that she’s not a good candidate to be a wife, I’m just saying it’s just the packaging. I think we need to look more closely at personality and compatibility.
- If a woman is not a 9 or 10 do we not give her a chance? Far too often we jump to conclusions, and will not give some women a chance as we automatically eliminated them from our list of possibilities.
- Are we shallow? Is the only thing that really matters in life having a beautiful woman on your arm? Are we that egotistical? What about an “average looking” woman who will support you, who will motivate you, who will be your best friend, who will take care of you and be the best life partner ever? Did we miss her because we were looking at the beautiful woman who is beautiful but crazy and has been divorced three times (for a reason?)
- Why do we place such a value on appearance above all else? I understand that one explanation may be chemistry or attraction, because obviously attraction and chemistry play an important part, particularly in the early stages of forming a relationship. But if we place too much value just on appearance, then we lose out on things that may be more important in the long run. Is it a caveman kind of reaction? Are we looking to attract the most beautiful and healthy in order to have more beautiful and healthy children? I don’t know.
- Does someone’s looks change once we get to know them? In high school I knew a young lady who was a friend of mine who was not pretty by traditional societal standards. As I got to know what an amazing person she was, her looks started to change in my eyes. She became more beautiful.
I am blessed to be married to a woman who is beautiful both on the outside and the inside. She is a person of great character, she is kind, she has a great deal of empathy, and is smart and articulate and fascinating and funny. She is also gorgeous. She is an amazing rare combination of beauty and character.
I think the reason there are so many divorces around the world, is that we look at appearance on the outside but sometimes don’t look at the beauty that is on the inside …
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I think that we as men need to take a step back and reevaluate our priorities. I think the reason there are so many divorces around the world, is that we look at appearance on the outside but sometimes don’t look at the beauty that is on the inside, we never bother to find out about who a person really is beyond their outward appearance. So then we marry a person who is beautiful, but they do not have the values or the character that we are truly looking for. We need to stop looking at the shallow and look at the real deal.
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Dude, just looked at your FB page. You are taking a lot of liberty saying your wife is in the “top 1%” of looks.
Just writing in order to point out some important thing. Not all women considered “beautiful” and sexy today are really beautiful, as the well known fact is that today, most women wear makeup or hair extensions and heels….you would be surprised by the power of makeup…this is the most powerful of all the other grooming tools….Maybe this all will be a bit of a rant, but sometimes it bothers me that the general notion of the facial “female beauty” is pretty much all about wearing makeup today…..It doesnt bother me that many women like to wear makeup, but the fact… Read more »
18 months, and Shawn still hasn’t answered by very simple question. Does he or does he not tell women that the short overweight guy, working in a call center who prefers to play DnD or go LARPing instead of go clubbing that maybe he would make an excellent partner despite his outer shortcommings?
I don’t have a clue what DnD or LARP means, but yes, those men have a chance and you know that… you also know they would definitely prefer a woman who looks much better than them and many times will decline a woman who is “looks match” (i.e super short – or tall for a woman – overweight, with an uninspiring hair cut (or balding like him if he is balding), no grooming (hairy legs and armpits just like his) and boring sense of style, blah blah blah.
So, your take home message is: Yes, it’s very important that a woman is gorgeous, but she has to be beautiful on the inside too, and that most men are shallow. How does this support the ethos of the good men project?
By supporting the notion that good men should be honest, I guess? Haha.
Recycling more of the trash again, eh?
I agree with Iman’s comment right below mine.
I think I’d take this more seriously if you didn’t start by commenting on how hot your wives were/are.
Shawn, you wrote an article to tell other men that beauty shouldn’t be the most important thing to them. But your very first sentence centered around making sure the other men reading knew that you married two gorgeous women that grab the attention of other men when you walk into a room. Can you see the conflicting message in that? You are placing a value of importance of the looks of the very women in your life. Wasn’t there a way to convey your message without ever mentioning the looks of your partners? Is how your own partners looks even… Read more »
@ Erin
“even once men have a partner in life, they spend the rest of their days still looking at porn and other images of perfect looking women”
Because it’s a fantasy. It’s entertainment. Married women also find men who aren’t their husband’s attractive. They also fantasize about these guys. Maybe the difference is that men are just more honest about it.
What I have noticed is: many times the more a man takes care of his looks – and by that I don’t mean the gym addicts or bodybuilders (or maybe that could be part of their vanity as well but not *only* it ), but actually vanity, as in following a skin care regime, trimming/shaving their body hair, having a modern/sexy haircut and styling it, knowing how to dress, nails, body products, nails and all that – the more he is willing to look for character on a woman. The more a man is lazy, unsexy/unappealing and believes the “masculinity… Read more »
YES.
It’s a generalization, but I actually notice that most insanely attractive men are okay with less attractive women!
It wasn’t supposed to be a response to you, ignore it, haha.
John – I’m sorry but the ‘because it’s a fantasy’ line needs to go out the door right along with ‘ boys will be boys’. They are both highly entitled. It’s an over simplification of a complex network and a justification we give ourselves to exploit and dehumanize one group of people for the pure enjoyment of others. Just because something is ‘fantasy’ doesn’t mean it’s not conveying a negative message to the people the fantasy is representing. Just because something is’fantasy’ doesn’t mean it’s okay to exploit the image of a group of people for another group of people’s… Read more »
OK so let’s eliminate all movie and video game scenes were there is a violent act. Let’s make sure all men are depicted with shirts on. We wouldn’t like women to be objectifying them or is that just finding people attractive? This is where I disagree with you. Your definition have always been whatever I find appealing is just people finding others attractive whatever I find unappealing is sexual exploitation. You see a difference I suspect in part because you what to justify your own desires while putting other people down for theirs. A woman who sees a bare chested… Read more »
Way to manipulate my postion by completely and inaccurately representing it then claiming it’s what I said or want.
Thanks for complelety ignoring the issue of how men objectify women.
Also please take your own advice before you feel confident giving it to others about not being judgemental. You are as judgemental as they come.
Well, it is true in most cases, that we men, drool over damsels and tend to fall for them ignoring the other essential aspects required in a human being. The core should be beautiful. Beauty is not just the outer side, but it comes from within. Empirically speaking, there are men like me, who crave for smartness and intelligence, apart from the appearance.
I agreed with D regarding #1, #2, #3, and #4. People are drawn to health people because those are the people that they want to mate and share their genetic material with; thereby producing the highest qualify of children. Unless, we can somehow alter this biological fact, being attractive to beautiful, healthy people will continue to happen whether we like it or not.
I still believe that once the physical attraction wears off due to old, people are developed their marriage more fully beyond the physical part; otherwise, you might as well not get marry at all.
This is off topic, but I’m curious what other guys think of the photo of the 3 women. I don’t find two of them all that attractive for my tastes. They may be “super models”, but there’s only one that I’m immediately attracted to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.
The woman on the far left is my pick. I won’t go into why the other two don’t do it for me, except that they have a slight degree of RBF.
I like the two on the sides. The thing that bothers me about this post and posts like these is that it assumes that because men value beauty, it’s the only thing or most important thing that they value. Most people I’ve met wouldn’t even get near the super model category. Heck even me in my prime with a 3 pack and 14 inch, well defined, arms (doesn’t really sound that impressive, but isn’t bad when you’re only 5′ 7″ isn’t that bad) wouldn’t even get close to model status let alone super model status and there was a point… Read more »
It’s a fact males value looks above everything else – most males, straight, gay or bisexual.
Don’t get bothered by the truth.
@ Steve Horsmon,
Neither is “ugly.” Hence, they are all acceptable to me.
Btw, what is RBF?
Steve – I love a lot of your comments and articles on GMP. I think you are one emotionally intelligent and evolved man. So I am a bit surprised by your comments to this piece. Where in an article that asks men to focus more on looks, the first thing you want to comment on are the looks of the women in the picture. This is the exact issue that disturbs so many women. The level of importance is placed on our looks above all else, first and most. What value do you think was gained by you telling us… Read more »
I think he was trying to say that different men will find different women beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so in theory every woman is both beautiful (and not) depending on who’s looking. He may even be in some round about way trying to tell women not to be so concerned about looks because even though society in general may say looking one way is attractive, the man you’re trying to attract may not agree. I think Jules was saying that even women he might not find beautiful, he would not find ugly. Essentially I think… Read more »
All three of them are a lot more attractive than you. But yes, males are usually shallow and believe only women 8/10+ are attractive enough.
“Does every man want to be married to a supermodel?”
Since you point out that you’ve only married two “gorgeous” women yourself, why do you expect other men to set the bar lower than you have done yourself?
Beauty comes in so many forms. I discover more and more of my partner’s beauty every day through Happy Couple app (www.happycouple.co).
Well you can always wait for an average looking woman to ask you on a date. Wait, that doesn’t happen. I wonder why that is. Maybe they don’t value men at all. I suspect that theory wouldn’t get much support here. If you would never say that women don’t value any man because they won’t ask anyone out, then don’t make the same assumptions about men. I think in large part that it what it comes down too. Men put in the effort. When it comes to strangers, they ask the most beautiful women out first because that’s all they… Read more »
“Many guys aren’t great with words either written or spoken.”
Because most of us men were told to keep our mouths shut and even though most of our great writers are men, most men are not taught or encourage to write down their feelings and the only time, men are taught about the importance of writing when it helps their careers.
“Does Every Man Want to Be Married to a Supermodel?”
NO!!!!
Usually, too much sexual history for my taste.
Character matters the most, period. Then education/intelligence……and values.
Yes, most men go in for the looks thingy….So they end up with women who have very poor values, low education, and generally untrustworthy. Often these men end up in divorce court where they lose their ass to said woman. But, ot is a choice the men made so they are fully responsible for that choice.
Just once I would like to see an article that implores women to date short, poor, uneducated guys and pointing out that they are decent men and worthy of love.
Can GMP arrange that one while condemning men for the dating choices we make?
Also I am getting very heavy Hugo Schwyzer vibes from this person. Shawn Doyle has looks as a deciding factor, so therefore every man must have looks as a deciding factor. And as the great redeemer Shawn Doyle must now tell all men who must be as superficial as he is that looks are not everything.
Tell me Shawn, would you tell women that the short overweight guy, working in a call center who prefers to play DnD or go LARPing instead of go clubbing that maybe he would make an excellent partner despite his outer shortcommings?
I’m just going to leave these here… (Also why is short, DnD, or LARPing a turnoff? Who beyond mid-20’s goes clubbing to search for someone?)
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/see-yourself-as-she-sees-you-real-is-sexy-smjn/
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/96-bodies-wont-see-billboards-men/
Women don’t all want the same thing. Although, what do I know? I’m most definitely not a model.
Well, “uneducated” is usually less desirable for both educated men and women. It depends on how much education you lack, and how much education the other has.
Women date and love short and poor males all the time. Women are trained since they are kids to focus on the character. Show us the infinite number of articles where women say short/poor/overweight men are indecent and unworthy of love, please?
Poor males, they feel so opressed when people point out the fact that they care mostly about looks!
Look at this article, it’s t o t a l l y imploring males to date ultra tall, poor and uneducated women, right? No? Oh, okay.
Q: Does every man want to be married to a Supermodel? Certainly not, but there are countless extraordinarily attractive women who aren’t supermodels, so that doesn’t mean much. Q: Why do we place such a value on appearance above all else? 1) Vision is by default our strongest sense 2) We largely rely on vision to choose a person of interest; approaching them allows us to engage our other senses 3) We are hard wired to look for symmetry and proportion as indicators of general health – biology’s way of saying “that person’s got good genes yo”. 4) Biology is… Read more »
Biology? But it’s females that choose males, and they choose by visual clues. The most beautiful and strongest young male adults are the ones worthy of reproducing with. Those clues show them their genes are good, fresh and at their strongest/most fertile, as females have no time to waste. Now when it comes to males, well, they basically just accept whatever female(s) is “into them”, they aren’t picky and don’t even judge fertility nor genes. Females are the ones who get pregnant, they are the ones that are naturally hard wired to be picky, choose males by their beauty/strength/youth-post puberty… Read more »
“ut it’s females that choose males, and they choose by visual clues. The most beautiful and strongest young male adults are the ones worthy of reproducing with.”
Then you haven’t seen the Viagra triangle unless you’re suggesting that the 60ish men with upper six figure salaries are somehow more beautiful or have stronger sperm. It’s amazing how strong your sperm gets when your wallet is full.
Hush dude, what a tool you are.
People choosing people because of money is SOCIAL/CULTURAL and not biological. The person was clearly talking about our nature.
Go read a book or two and stop embarrassing yourself.
Shawn: Hi. I read your article and thought about some points you mention, particually #3. “Are we shallow? Is the only thing that really matters in life having a beautiful woman on your arm? Are we that egotistical? What about an “average looking” woman who will support you, who will motivate you, who will be your best friend, who will take care of you and be the best life partner ever? I tend to think that looks are the first thing we notice. I say this because generally as Men we are taught not to expect anything else. Unlike Women,… Read more »