There comes a time in every couple’s life when not having sex seems a better idea than having it. Dr. Steve explores how we are affected by the external world and how to manage these intrusions.
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Have you ever had those days where you look over at your partner and think, this is just too much effort (sex that is) – I’d rather read, sleep, or watch TV? Oh, c’mon. Be honest. It happens to all of us at some point. It might take some time, but eventually it will happen to you too.
When you just aren’t motivated to have sex, it may be a simple matter of:
- lack of sleep,
- stress,
- feeling rushed,
- expectations (we should be making out, we’ve haven’t done it in a while),
- a late meal thus feeling bloated and lethargic,
- too much to drink (can be a real sex killer for men),
- thinking about anything other than sex,
- feeling guilty because you can’t get a person out of your mind that you have been fantasizing about,
- performance anxiety (this one is a whole article on its own), and
- the relationship is going through a tough time and you would rather not engage.
These are simple matters for the most part with simple solutions: get more sleep, reduce stress, meditate, communicate with your partner, eat earlier or have smaller meals, drink less, focus on the task at hand, use your fantasy to turn yourself on, get sex therapy if performance anxiety is ongoing, and know that relationships have ups and down and this too will change (i.e., patience).
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Over the last forty years, I have experienced most of the above list at one time or another, and some items are recurring – lack of sleep and stress for example. There are huge ironies here.
Men often complain about not having enough sex but they don’t take action on what they can control, like food, sleep, and stress which would make them more able to take action on their desires.
This way of being (a victim of circumstances) can become habitual and by the early forties there is a coterie of men who have basically withdrawn from sexual activity just as their wives are hitting their sexual prime. As you can imagine, this leads to frustration and upset for both parties.
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There is a solution to this sad state of affairs. And that is not to let it happen, and if it happens, to intervene at the earliest moment. The intervention is communication.
I have learned that not treating sex so seriously helps the communication process. Don’t get me wrong. I think sex is a very serious matter. I love sex, I think it is natural, promotes both mental and physical health, and strengthens the bond between couples. It can also be, playful, silly, spiritual, short, long, a workout, blissful, connecting, ravenous, and subtle. Sometimes, sex can even be boring – just like life.
However, when approaching sex with humor, I am less liable to be run over by my hormones, the dictates of culture, and personal beliefs. A light touch eases the communication process as I share with my partner thoughts and feelings (emotional and physical).
Being in a long-term and secure relationship has allowed my partner and me to swiftly state our needs and emotional state in the moment. It often produces laughter as we see the contradiction of what we desire (sex) and our condition (not sex).
We are secure in the knowledge that this is a temporary state and sex will eventually happen. As we get older we are able to withstand longer waits between engagements without getting too freaked out.
We do, however, have our limits and know that it is important to make it (sex) happen on a regular basis. Whenever we do this we are glad of our decision. Again, we laugh and often say, “Why did we wait so long. Sex is great. We should do it more often.”
But, life is demanding and as enjoyable as sex is, other things can and do get in the way. Whether it is kids, work, or physical issues, sex can easily take on a secondary role in the relationship if we are not conscious.
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To counter the external issues that interfere with your sex life, having an understanding of what can interfere and what to do about it makes life more pleasurable.
For me, what makes this process easier is:
- Humor
- Communicating
- Trust and
- Having a bigger perspective
Let’s examine each of these points.
Humor
It’s hard sometimes to see the humor when getting hard isn’t happening. But that is when we need humor the most. Humor aids us in not taking our foibles so seriously. It helps break the tension when expectations are not met and a good laugh releases endorphins that make us feel better. It’s a feel good experience without having to touch someone (or yourself).
Communication
Without effective communication skills, life with your partner is going to be a challenge. Relationships are challenging enough, so being able to talk through and support each other in challenging times is a critical survival skill. If you or your partner are weak in this area, it will be hard to find the humor about your situation.
Trust
Trust goes deep. Do you trust your partner to support you and not attack you when feeling vulnerable? Do you trust yourself to own your experience and not blame your partner? Do you trust that if you are having a problem both of you will do whatever it takes to solve it? Like I said, issues of trust go deep. This is where communication comes in handy.
A bigger perspective
It is easy to say, have a bigger perspective, but it is a much harder thing to do. I think this is due in part because a bigger perspective comes from life experience. It is hard to imagine the perspective of time if you are young. Time gives us a perspective on which to view our life.
Then again, even us old folk sometimes have a difficult time with perspective, especially when plugged in and having our buttons pushed. Humor is useful at these moments.
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All four of these elements help in both supporting a more engaged sexual life and reducing the stress when your ideas about the quantity and quality of sex are not meeting expectations.
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If your expectations are not being met, email me for a free consult at [email protected]
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