I thought showing sincerity and kindness, along with openly expressing my love for my daughters after divorce would be enough. I was wrong.
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“Insincerity is always weakness; sincerity even in error is strength.” – George Henry Lewes
I might be the most naive buffoon on the planet. I thought sincerity mattered. I have been schooled again.
Yesterday I took my youngest daughter out for what I thought would be a pleasant lunch at Moe’s. During the car ride back to her mom’s she unloaded on me all the things I did wrong in my marriage to her mom and since our divorce. She delivered this with a kind of ferocity–and hurt–that felt like I was not interacting with my 12-year-old daughter but with my ex-wife herself.
Parents can usually tell when our kids are parroting things they hear elsewhere. Much like when an English teacher spots passages in the writing of her students that don’t sound like their voice so went my conversation with my daughter. Suddenly all the work I’ve done the past five years to build a sense of respect for myself that was so missing in my marriage to my three daughters’ mom vanished as if whooshed out the open car window.
All the sadness and disappointment of a girl whose parents couldn’t get along filled our little car and seemed to weigh it down on the highway.
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One way after another my daughter recounted how I failed and her wounded mother had to overcome. Starting with a job at Nike my ex loved she supposedly gave up “to make me happy” so her mom and I could be hired by another sports company as a couple. How her mom said she would break up with her boyfriend if my daughter and her sisters didn’t like him and I never gave my girls that kind of say over my relationships. How she will never respect my new wife–the mother of one of her friends since kindergarten–as a step mom or as a mother figure. How the money I pay for child support each month covers only the most minimal of household expenses at her mom’s house while her mom bears the largest burden of providing.
It’s easy to see how I might get defensive and say, “yeah, but….” Instead, I saw a hurt little girl venting the pain she’d kept bottled up. This is good, I said to myself, as she spoke, tears welling up in her brown eyes. All the sadness and disappointment of a girl whose parents couldn’t get along filled our little car and seemed to weigh it down on the highway.
Comforting my daughter seemed to do very little. I tried to maintain a calm so that she could vent, even when the daggers she threw hit their mark in my heart. On and on my poor kid lashed out at me.
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My divorce, now five years ago, has served me a host of valuable life lessons. About relationships. About parenting. About people. About myself.
I thought I was done discussing the topic with my kids as things seemed pretty well settled in our two houses. My ex now has a live-in boyfriend whom she has told my daughters she will marry eventually. She has a job and remains living in the house we had together before our divorce. I see little improvements around the house my ex has accomplished with her boyfriend when I go to pick up my kids.
My daughters are moving on in school, taking on sports and drama and cheer and other activities they like. We recently spent what I thought had been a wonderful spring break vacation together in Florida. There had been no signs of distress. Until Moe’s.
All this time I thought my sincerity and kindness, qualities I have been trying to teach my girls since they were born, would shine through the massive paradigm shift divorce from their mother brought. I thought sincerely, openly and deeply expressing my love to my daughters would be enough. I thought my daughters would see in me a different way of treating people, especially those closest to us, and respect me for it.
These lessons I had hoped to teach my daughters have been overshadowed by the things my ex-wife seems to have taught them. I could be wrong, but her world view appears to be one in which there are only winners and losers and you better not be a loser or you will feel like crap. There is little room for kindness unless it can be used to get what you want in my ex’s world view. It’s a world where people can be manipulated like players on a chess board, which is the way i felt for most of our marriage.
Instead of being a part of who we are sincerity is a mask that protects one from being hurt. What an idiot I have been for thinking that showing vulnerability, that loving despite the risks of being disrespected and hated, are the better way to live.
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I have believed since I was a little boy that sincerity mattered. It strengthens relationships, infuses them with authenticity so they can prosper like an oak whose roots run deep into the ground. You sometimes get hurt when you are sincere. That is the risk one takes in all relationships because the reward of more fulfilling, meaningful relationships is worth it.
It is a sad thing to go through life guarded, so fearful that at any moment someone will take from you that you have to scheme to protect yourself. I can’t figure out how to show my daughters that respect and sincerity come together. Sincere people respect themselves. Sincere people know they have the capacity to weather times when life seems to let them down.
I have been cataclysmically naive. Like I’ve been speaking Swedish to them the entire time. My hopes that my daughters would learn from my sincerity and vulnerability and respect me for it have been dashed like eggs thrown against a brick wall. I don’t know what to do. Like learning previous lessons life has dished out, I’ll have to chew on it for awhile.
Photo credit: Helmuts Grigo/flickr
Ken, You are very kind. I am flawed and I have made innumerable mistakes. My hope, now I see as pretty naive, was that my daughters would see an obvious different between my ex’s approach and mine. They still may and it will take time. I have done a good bit of reading and discussing with therapists and other divorced couples, even adults who experienced divorce as children. What I have learned is the parent who exhibits healthy approaches to difficulties, who is not resentful or derogatory to their ex’s are much appreciated by the kids when they grow up.… Read more »
Sorry for some of the responses here that blame you for this. I’m sure you’re a flawed man that is trying his best to be a good father, and what your daughter did took you completely by surprise and shocked and hurt you to your core. There is a tendency in society to place the blame on the father arbitrarily without having any knowledge of the family dynamic. This is not your daughter’s fault either. She’s caught in a very difficult situation, and based on the description of some of the things that she said, she’s being severely influenced by… Read more »
You don’t sound sincere or kind, just butt hurt. You mention your split being almost 5 years ago. I wonder how long you’ve been with your child’s best friends Mom? My guess is about 5 years.
I’ve got to admit I vacillate between being sympathetic and telling you to just suck it up…. and I am closer to the latter but not without compassion. It’s hard to have our beliefs challenged – but where I feel you are missing the point is that kindness sincerity is not the trait that helps us traverse rough waters… From what little you have revealed,… I feel you are actually committing the same mistake you are accusing your ex of – that being having a completely unrealistic view of how your actions affect your children. Your sincerity is a fine… Read more »
Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking, reading this piece. Spot-on response!!
Joy, Thank you for your insights. I really appreciate your response. My essay was a moment in time in my experience with a parent. It truly was a way for me to share a very personal experience with others who might be going through or have gone through something similar. I’m no great example. I am flawed and have made innumerable mistakes both before the divorce and since. These mistakes have affected my children. I am aware and cannot undo that. I don’t think I need to get my head out of my ass. My goal was to expose myself… Read more »
You are so butthurt and melodramatic now. This is a huge feelings dump. You’re so furious with your ex wife and making it as philosophy, dude. Raising kids is about the long long haul. As if “sincerity is a weak approach.” It’s been how long since the divorce? You won’t see the true emergence of these patterns for decades. Why did you just let your daughter tear a strip off you? Are you not a human being with feelings too? Why be a punching bag? Tell her it hurts and daddy has feelings too and then tell her your side.… Read more »
Thank you Andy for your comment. I think we disagree on whether I’m being passive. My job is to raise kids and to not let my stuff hurt them. They sometimes need a rock on which to lean–or to spit on. Sometimes I am that rock. Though I might have some anger toward my ex, perhaps, It is a delicate line with discussing feelings and burdening with them. To be fair I have expressed my feelings about my relationships with them plenty of times but not about their mother. They know we broke up for a reason–they even know that… Read more »
Shortly after my divorce, my son lashed out at me using words I know he heard from my ex’s mom. These were undeserved words calling into question my integrity (because I walked away from our 10 year dysfunctional relationship) and my commitment to my children. It hurts hearing this stuff from your kids, even if you know it’s undeserved. I think the only appropriate response is to empathise with the kid’s emotions, she is in a situation that no one wants her to be in, through no fault of her own. Once it’s obvious she knows that you understand her… Read more »
I’ve read many articles here and have been touched by many, but have never commented, until now. Your situation makes me very sad for everyone involved. Divorce has no winners. All you can do is minimize the damage done as everyone tries to move on. I have 2 kids and my divorce with my ex was largely collaborative. The first hing we agreed to up front was to not use the kids against each other in any way. We agreed to treat each other with respect when talking to the kids and to iron out our personal problems without involving… Read more »
Hello Christian, you’re not alone. I can relate. I thought I had been doing all the right things too … sincerity, kindness, respect, consideration, always expressing my love for my kids post-divorce. I fought long and hard for a 50/50 shared custody arrangement so I could remain present in their lives. A few weeks ago, my 12 year old daughter similarly unleashed on me while we were driving to her game. All at once, it felt like all my hard work came undone. You are a better man than I. I applaud your ability to remain calm, letting her vent.… Read more »
You can’t erase the pain of divorce by simply being nice. What happened hurt your children you can pretend they are hurt because of your wife’s influence on them but the truth is divorce hurts and you can’t smile it away no matter how sincere your love is.
Thank you Person for your comment. Not trying to erase the pain of divorce for myself nor my children. Trying to acknowledge it and help them navigate rather than be stuck in it.
-christian.
I think you’re in denial, and I think you’re blaming your ex too much. Even if you were still together with your ex, your daughter would lash out at you. That’s the nature of children. And yes, they use the words and terms they are familiar with, just because they learned them from your ex doesn’t mean they aren’t sincere. And while you seem very concerned about teaching your children about sincerity, you seem unable to accept her feelings as sincere. Just because you are sincere doesn’t mean you can expect all to be forgiven. You thought you were done… Read more »
Nellie, I think it’s true that no matter what the ex did, the kids would still lash out sometimes. But getting a tongue lashing over a lost job at Nike, how the mother gave complete control to the kids about breaking up with a partner (that’s not entirely healthy either), the lack of respect for his partner and child support payments, are not just words and phrases here and there the kid pick up and parrot to express their own frustration. The ex is clearly over-sharing and forcing the child to be her emotional receptor. A normal way for a… Read more »
My issue with this piece is that it is hypocritical. There was no act of kindness. The writer did not lead by example. A child who’s pain is publicly shared, as is the writer’s feelings about the other parent: “There is little room for kindness unless it can be used to get what you want in my ex’s world view. It’s a world where people can be manipulated like players on a chess board, which is the way i felt for most of our marriage.” A true act of kindness would have meant that this article never being published. That… Read more »
Smitty, Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. I think we differ on the definition of kindness. I believed the best thing–the kindest thing–for me to do while my daughter was venting was to allow her to get her feelings out, feelings that had obviously been bottled up. Instead of being defensive and lashing out at my 12 year old daughter, I did what I thought was best. Acknowledge her feelings and allow her to express her anger and sadness. To me that was being kind. Maybe not to you. As far as whether I am… Read more »
It sounds like your ex-wife is placing an irreversible burden on your daughters by talking to them about *all* her feelings. She may be justified in her feelings but she is not justified in putting that burden on your daughters. Honestly, this is something women really have to pay attention too because while opening sharing feelings with your children is important, and being honest about the family with each other is important, children don’t need to know every little detail. If men stereotypically are guilty of not sharing their feelings enough, women may be guilty of sharing too much with… Read more »
Erin, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. To be transparent, I’m no angel. I was as responsible for the divorce as my ex. What I have tried to do differently than she, however, is definitely not burden my kids with my stuff, including those damn frustrating feelings of trying to co-parent through the divorce. I have adults with whom I can share. Sometimes when I am in the middle of it, all the reasons I do things the way I do don’t seem as important. Yet if I pause and not react, things become clearer and I can deal better… Read more »
Erin, Thank you for your thoughtful reply. To be transparent, I’m no angel. I was just as responsible for the conditions that led to my divorce as my wife. I constantly struggle with “doing the right” thing to teach my daughters the bigger lessons. Often in the heat of the moment those reasons are difficult to feel. I find that if I quiet my mind when my daughters are complaining about me I am able to pause and give them more of what they actually need rather than what would feel good to me right then. I strive constantly to… Read more »
I think it is pretty positive that your daughters at least feel like they can complain to you because I never felt that way about my Dad. I never shared some of my true feelings with him even when I was upset with him. Mike gave you some really good comments and advice. Maybe you can talk to your ex about it as he suggested?