Stanley Fritz gives 4 tips for men as the summer season (and the bare skin that accompanies it) approaches.
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Summer is quickly arriving and with it a time where many of us find our hormones doing very strange things. As the expert on women and dating, I thought it would be appropriate for me to create a blueprint for interacting with women in this hot weather.
Pro tip 1: Staring.
Have you ever crossed paths with a beautiful young lady and knew you that you would need a second look? Well we all have it happens, so stealing a glance is something I think we can all relate to. I suggest casually turning while holding a quizzical look on your face, this way if she turns around it will look like you’re checking for traffic. If she hasn’t, then steal your glance, but be advised it should last for no more than three seconds. In three seconds you have enough time to get a good look, and thank the Base Gawd for creating women. That’s all the time you need. Anything longer than that and you enter creepy territory. Don’t believe me? Fine, give a police officer steady eye contact for more than three seconds and see what happens. Long story short, don’t stare, that’s creepy, don’t make any weird grunting sounds either, because that’s super creepy, and finally, don’t lick your lips while grabbing your genitals and staring intensely — that, my friend, is like the super-Saiyan-level-3-creepy, and it’s not ok. Any woman that responds positively to intense staring probably has plans to cut your skin off and turn it into an iPhone cover. Just saying…
Pro tip 2. No one likes a stalker.
I’m going to let you in on a secret. Not many people know this, but I think I can trust you with this classified information. Are you ready? Ok, here goes… Woman don’t like being followed. If you see a pretty woman in the street and you don’t know her, don’t follow her! That’s really creepy — no seriously, that shit is scary!
If you’re wondering why following someone is such a big deal, ask yourself this question: How does she know you’re not a rapist?
While you and I know that you wouldn’t hurt a fly, she doesn’t, and if you follow her for any period of time, it decreases her chances of sleeping with you by 800%. Follow this advice double at night.
Pro tip 3. Cat Calling: No, don’t do that.
You know what the problem with women is? Well, yeah, that too (Zing), but the biggest problem with women is that they don’t understand how awesome we are. You know what’s a bad way to show a woman how awesome you are? Offering sexual favors to her in public. As a mater of fact, any kind of cat calling will make her think you are less awesome. Offering to toss her salad while she walks down a busy street is never a good idea, offering to toss anyone’s salad is generally a bad idea, but that’s another conversation for another day.
Bonus: she doesn’t owe you sex.
Yeah, that’s pretty much it. The only person or thing that owes you sex is your right hand, your left hand too if you’re ambidextrous.
Bonus: Dick pics.
Stop it, just stop shooting your dick all over the inter webs and SMS, that’s not just creepy, it’s sad.
Well, that’s really all I have for you. If you follow these simple rules, women from all over the world will want to be with you and find everything you say funny. But it all starts with your concerted effort to not be a fucking creep! Happy summer gentlemen.
This article originally appeared on Stan’s blog, Stan Writes.
Photo credit: David George/flickr
“Have you ever crossed paths with a beautiful young lady….” As long as she’s young because why would a man look at a woman his own age with sexual interest. Or *gasp* a woman that’s older than a man (The horrors!). Women. Must. Be. Young. Now a man…he can be any age. Because no one in this article qualified the age of men in it by putting “young” infront of them. No, qualifying of age is ususally regulate to women in many articles men write about women. I know some may see this as nitpicky or roll their eyes but… Read more »
Or some men simply don’t care either way. Not everything has to be about women.
No of course not everything has to be about women, but this article is about women.
“Creepy” is a word used to describe behaviour that the recipient thinks is unpleasant. Often times the word is used if a person repeatedly invades someone personally boundary (either on purpose or by accident). But ultimately what constitutes as creepy is very individual and depends on the experience and personality of the recipient. For example: a rape victim will feel uncomfortable a lot quicker than a woman with a black belt in karate. Does that mean that when the rape victim calls comeone creepy she is trying to manipulate him? No. All she does is assert herself while communicating what… Read more »
Isn’t the word “creepy” a gender-loaded or misandric term? I never see it applied to women who behave in equally or even more disturbing ways and it is used against men who are not even acting “creepy” in order to shut them down.
I’ve said the same. In some situations, the difference between a ‘creep’ and ‘welcome flirting’ is weather a woman views him as an attractive mate.
Three seconds, thank you. I’ve been waiting for someone to come up with a number.