Derrick Dupuis wished that someone would have explained how to create a marriage that works for both people. Now he would like you to use him as a cautionary tale.
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Late October 2012 I returned home from a business trip to find that my wife of almost 10 years was packed up and would move in with her sister, a divorce lawyer, that evening.
No one had cheated or abused the other. We had just stopped growing down the same path. She had felt unsupported for years, I learnt. There had been signs and occasional conversations, but I did not realize how significant they were. She did not know how to let her true feelings be known, but this action spoke for her
In the weeks that followed, I was in heavy denial. My goal was to look into my role in this situation, find ways to improve, and work towards reconciliation. She was not interested in that. Yet, I am stubborn and refused to believe that we were through.
Only months prior we had moved into a rather large home, and she had only just returned to full time work after staying home the better part of seven years to raise our two amazing children, aged 5 and 7 at the time. Her fortieth birthday was a few weeks away and our ten year anniversary a few months away.
What I came to realize is that I forgot how to live in the moment. Through university, years of globe trotting and our first years together, I was present. Then I got excellent roles in the pharmaceutical industry. I started winning awards and praise. I was validated for the first time in my life, so it felt.
I wondered whether I deserved it all. So, I began giving more of myself to work, and onto the hamster wheel did I climb.
Since our separation, I have stated that I wished someone would have given us a marriage quiz or a relationship book. These are excellent tools, and if one looks truly at them, they can very clearly point out what ones current reality is.
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And that is my message.
Please, if you are in a relationship now, actually stop and look at it. Literally take a Sunday morning, let someone else take the kids, and talk. What are your goals? What are your spouses? Are they in line? If not, do you care? Does your spouse?
A great friend and therapist asked me this in the early winter of 2012. Do you have a car, she asked. Yes. Do you get the oil changed regularly? Yes. Tires rotated? Transmission checked? Yes. Why? So that it will be a reliable car for a decade or so. Then she asked me how often I do any of this ‘maintenance’ on my marriage? Umm, never….
So 13 years later, once my marriage is on the side of the road with the engine blown and the body rusted out, now I want to talk about oil changes?
Too late.
And so now one year later, I look at my life and focus my energy on celebrating who I am, and how amazing my children are.
My ex is a wonderful human being. She is an outstanding mother. My children are thriving, and I fully expect this to continue. But we are no longer a couple and never will be. I accept that now. It does make me sad, as my goal was to have one family unit forever.
So again, I write this in the hopes of helping even just a few people to realize that it is never to late to actually stop and assess where things are.
In a relationship and in life, are you happy? Be honest with yourself.
If not completely, how would you like to have things? Write it down and then work towards achieving that reality.
When we go into a restaurant and order a meal, what happens when they deliver the wrong meal? I want a big old cheese burger and fries! I haven’t had that meal here in several weeks, and I’m craving it. In the hurry of the lunch rush, my server delivers me a fish sandwich. Will I just shrug and eat it? You know the answer. No way!
So why do we do this with life? Why settle for the role at work we don’t like. Why not strive for the happiest relationship with our spouse, children, family, friends and coworkers?And just by beginning to question your own happiness, you are taking the first steps. Limitless bliss exists, and it is easier to achieve that we imagine. But that is another article.
Please, stop and have a conversation with your partner. Begin by asking how satisfied she or he is, in life and in the relationship. Then, and this is important, listen to to the answer!
Truly open your ears and heart and listen. You can have your turn to talk later. In this moment, listen to what your partner is saying. Ask probing questions. Care about the answers.
There is no better place to start than here and now.
Don’t get blindsided like I did. Don’t wait for a catastrophe to happen for you to realize that change is possible. Use me as a cautionary tale. You will be amazed at how great it will be a year later, either way, I predict.
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Photo: “Love is being stupid together” by Natu / flickr / creative commons license
This is a fundamental reality for most men, yet as someone in a similar situation, no one ever talked about it in any meaningful way before marriage. these lessons are so important for a successful marriage but are so far removed from the general discussion on marriage is strikes me as really odd. I commend the author for writing this piece, but hope that the lesson is propagated far and wide.
maybe guys will stop being so defensive when they are told they love their cars more than they love the woman they’re with.
You can’t really take a guy seriously when he says he loves you more than his car.
“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say”