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After 50 years as a relationship coach, Jed Diamond has discovered carefully preserved secrets of the male gender, which might surprise you.
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Hey, Good Men Project readers, check out FOCO’s line of World Series Bobbleheads, a great gift for baseball fans.
It isn’t easy being a man (or a woman) these days. Roles are changing. The world is changing. It can feel like the very foundation of who we are has been built on an earthquake fault. Just when we think we can walk around safely, the ground begins to move and we are knocked off our feet.
My parents tell the story of my circumcision (one of the many hazards of being male, and still a hazard for many women in the world). My father was behind me as they spread my new-born legs and cut away my foreskin. It was supposed to be a ceremony of celebration of manhood. Not for me and not for babies who are abused in that way. I let out a scream and arched a stream of urine over my little head, which hit my father in the eyes.
I’ve been fighting assaults to our humanity ever since. Here are a few things about being a man that I’ve learned along the way:
Sex Matters: Males and Females Are Different in Every Cell of Our Bodies
According to Marianne J. Legato, M.D., Founder of The Center for Gender Specific Medicine, Everywhere we look, the two sexes are startlingly and unexpectedly different not only in their internal function but in the way they experience illness.” This difference goes right down to the cells in our bodies. David C. Page, M.D., professor of biology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) says, “There are 10 trillion cells in the human body and every one of them is sex specific.”
The Differences Are Not What We’ve Been Told
Like many, I grew up with images of men being strong, silent and violent. We needed to be courageous and fight for our country against other men who were the bad guys. Men had to be manly and try as hard as we could to have sex with beautiful, womanly women. If you were a smart guy (like I perceived myself to be) you went to medical school. If I had had a sister, she would have been encouraged to be a nurse.
But we realize now that these gender stereotypes had little to do with being a man. There are real differences, but they are not what we’ve been told. For instance, men have more testosterone than do women. It makes us more aggressive. Women carry babies in their bodies. It makes them choosier about who they have sex with. Being XY (male) or XX (female) has implications for how often we get sick and what medications can help us heal.
Whatever a Man Does From His Heart is “Manly.”
When I got my first pair of “big boy shoes” when I was four years old, I wanted the red Keds. I was told red was for girls, that what I really wanted were the blue shoes. I insisted on the red, and have been wearing red shoes ever since. When I got my first bicycle, I insisted I wanted one without the bar across the front. Even as an eight year old it was clear to me that falling off the seat on to a bar would hurt my man parts. When kids teased me that I was riding a “girl’s bike,” I told them that was impossible. If it was my bike and I was all boy, it had to be a boy’s bike.
Next: “Fathers Matter”
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If one stops to listen to an Ethiopian grandmother explain why a young girl needs to be circumcised for her own good, and so that she will be like her mother and grandmothers, it’s exactly the same weak arguments that American women use to insist on and attempt to justify involuntary circumcision of baby boys in the USA. How many men do you know who tried to intervene and prevent their sons from being circumcised and were told by their wives to sit down and shut up; then proceeded to mutilate their son’s penis with no informed consent. I am… Read more »
I’ve never much liked boys and men and always preferred working around and with girls and women. It wasn’t that I had that much in common with the women, but I found I seem to have little in common with most men. I was just not interested in the things they wanted to do. I have spent many hours with male friends but have always found the experience unsatisfying. I seem to prefer mixed groups. I really have found nothing useful, emotional or otherwise, about being with men. I just find the women to be generally much more interesting.
I see what you mean by “viewing fathers through your mother’s eyes.” I have had a very disconnected relationship with my dad, and it’s only now in my late teens that I have begun to understand him, his past and his ways.
Men historically were taught not to show their feelings for good reason. I’ve learned this the hard way from growing up in this touchy-feely world. I believed it was OK for men to show emotion. It seems however that women are hard wired to judge men that emote as weak and they quickly loose respect for you. I think even women are confused by this. They genuinely want to be attracted to a man that can share his feelings, but whoa to the man that actually tries it. I have been 1000% happier since I quit seeking any sort of… Read more »
Jed, thanks again for a great post. I’ve been on a men’s team since Dec 9, 1989. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself and my family. A safe place where I can come and be inspected on a weekly basis, by men that i trust and men that care about me and my family. I can come here and express my emotions with out judgement and get my tank filled up, so when I go home to my wife and family I’m no longer a needy little boy. It’s so true that we need to… Read more »
Bob, thanks for sharing your experience. My men’s group experience has been equally valuable. I think we have ancient roots where men went off together in hunter groups. I’m sure we did more than hunt, but spent many hours, days, and nights talking to each other about love and life, how to feed our families and tribe, and just enjoyed the company of other men we knew well.
This so resonates in me… I’ve just started a mens group in my local area. My motives are “selvfish” -not for doing the other men good -but for doing my self good… I need a mensgroup… I need men to help me remember who I am… Who WE are… And in the end… We help/lift each other. So my selfish motives might not be so selvfish in the end… And to grow as a father… To my two cool boys… Show them that I am sensitive… That it is alright… Guess I just wanted to say that this article really… Read more »
Jorgen, Thanks for sharing. Being selfish and wanting more connection with men, as you point out, helps everyone in the long run. I’ve been in a group now for 36 years and it has helped me be a better husband, father, friend, colleague, and community member.
I’ve been on a men’s team since I did the Sterlimg Men’s Weekend in ’94 and I still get a lot of benefit from it. My life transformed from not doing much and not caring to one where I am actively engaged in the world and make a difference every day. I participate with my community, I’m in leadership in my men’s organization, and I’ve led large community projects. I have a career and have been happily married for 10 years. Along the way, I have served on a task force to renovate my neighborhood and was president of the… Read more »
Tom, I’ve been in a men’s group for 36 years and a number of us have done the Sterling weekend and been engaged in community activities. We also did the Mankind Project weekend. Men coming together to make a positive difference in the world helps everyone–our families, friends, and community. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
“Often men withdraw because we are overwhelmed by emotions and feelings, and we don’t know how to talk about them or how to sooth ourselves. We withdraw in order to get away from the conflicting energies that come from being in a relationship” I belive this to be the rule, because mostly men are conditioned to disconnect from their own feelings, by being told to “man up”, “grew a pair” and in this way being shamed to repress their feelings. They dont get to know how to handle them, by taking charge of getting their needs met. It causes more… Read more »
Karl-Otto, thank for the kind words. We all need support being the men we truly are, not the men that a restrictive view of masculinity tells us we should live up to.
Out of all the things you mentioned, genital mutilation is by far the worst.
That’s a biggie for me. When I wrote about it years ago and suggested that circumcision was “male genital mutiliation” and a form of child sexual abuse, the publisher wanted me to change it. When I refused they decided not to publish. A courageous publisher picked it up and The Warrior’s Journey Home made it out in the world and is still being well received.
“Men Need to be in a Men’s Group” Unless you have some kind of disorder, there isn’t much out there for men. I’m fortunate in that my parish has a few groups for men, which I belong to all of them.
Tom, thanks for the note. I’ve been in a men’s group now for 36 years and it has changed my life for the better.