Connie K. Grier shares the power of self-forgiveness and teaching our sons how to forgive.
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Our sons are often under societal pressure in many areas of their life. Males have the responsibility to not only govern themselves, but also to grow up to be successful heads of households, winners of wars, and slayers of all issues blocking their paths to greatness. While we know that our daughters have similar expectations thrust upon them, I think it would be fair to say that our boys are raised in a more competitive world, they go hard in the paint against, however, they go just as hard against self.
In celebrating the successes of our sons, we often forget how to prepare them for disappointment, missteps, and mistakes. We focus on making our boys strong, hard, athletic, and resilient. But what happens when our sons reach an impasse? Do they know how to forgive themselves and move on? My sons… I may be biased, but I think they are great young men. However, as twins they are often in places and positions where they are compared against one another, and often in ways that encourage a “winner/loser” type mentality.
As they are the sons of an educator, they have always had to deal with expectations on a different level. Their parent wasn’t only looking at their schoolwork as a mom, but as someone who was responsible for the academic success of thousands of children. The work was reviewed by yours truly who cannot read a passage without her eyes automatically drifting into the mode of the editor. Of course, this is a lot of pressure for young men to grow up with. How can we help our sons learn from their mistakes, forgive themselves, and start anew? As parents, we must have high standards for our children. That does not mean, however, that they will always make the mark. Sometimes they will fall short, and will experience disappointment, sadness, and anger; feelings that may lead to them missing the message. Here are a few suggestions to help our sons regroup:
Write a forgiveness letter
Writing for school can be full of stress. The good news with forgiveness writing is that the writing doesn’t even have to be grammatically correct. Ask your son to take a notepad or blank sheet of paper and start writing a letter to the person (it could be you) who upset or hurt him. Ask him to write down how he feels, describe his situation in great deal. No worries, this letter will NOT be seen by anyone but the author. Once he has finished writing, tell him to read the letter, ask him if he’d like to add anything else, take a deep breath and then invite him to tear it into tiny bits.
Write a gratitude list
Sometimes, when we make a mistake in life, focusing on some of our happier or more successful times will help us to understand that life can change on a dime. Encourage your son to list things in his life that he is happy for and proud of. This will help to re-shift the focus of your thinking. The more that he lists his achievements, the easier he makes it for his brain to see himself as an achiever. Analyzing his mistake from a positive vantage point is a lot healthier than allowing him to continually browbeat himself.
Time heals most wounds
We tell our sons this at the beginning of their crisis, but of course he does not believe it. But we must tell them anyway because it’s true. The angst, anger and sadness that they are feeling in this moment will not be what they feel forever— just remember, however, hurt and upset you feel now, you won’t have to feel it forever. Our sons must be allowed to be honest about their feelings, but also must work towards understanding that we ALL make mistakes, and that, fortunately in most instances, this too shall pass.
Photo: Diversey/Flickr