Shawn Phillips had a choice: crash his Harley on purpose or fall to his death.
____
The sun shone brightly warming the crisp October air as I turned my Harley around at top of Coal Creek Canyon, leaving the crew to ride on. I had a Bronco game to make that afternoon. So I headed back down the canyon, in a relaxed, leisurely Sunday fashion.
A mile or two past half way down I was rounding a corner where the canyon’s only gas station and convenience store stood. The traffic leaving the station lot had spread pea-gravel out all over the asphalt and my 900 pound Harley began to slide. I tapped my brakes which generally would have been a good thing but given I’d just had the bike serviced and the rear disc came out of the shop with a catch. Rather than slow me it caught and locked my rear wheel.
Now, I was enjoying the crisp air and warm sun in a 30+ mile per hour power-slide on my Harley. My decisions in the next 5 seconds would determine my future, should I have one.
For an ever so brief moment I “saved it!” I righted my bike and felt huge relief but my elation was premature. While I was going straight, the road had turned hard left and I was heading directly towards a rocky dive into the river some 20 deadly feet below.
As a motorcycle rider, the question you ask yourself from the time you set ass on that bike is, “Will I have the guts to put it down? Will I?”
For there comes a time when you’re gonna have to put it down. That means, you are either going to ride the bike to your demise or crank it over and slam it into the pavement on your own accord.
Thank God my knowing mind overruled my instinct, and I put the bike down, riding the asphalt on my left shoulder, busting some ribs before taking the plunge into the river with the bike.
Somehow I was alert and crawled out, walking over to the gas station. I stumbled in to the store drenched in blood from severe gash in my skull — yes, of course, like all the cool Harley dude’s I didn’t wear the skull protection. (Please spare the lecture)
Clearly, I lived through this episode and the bike was, like Six Million Dollar Man, rebuilt better than ever before. Nearly a decade has passed since the event and I’ve lived each day with a constant reminder in a chronically painful left shoulder that simply put, doesn’t’ work. The doc’s know I need a new one but I like to see how far and long I can go with my handicap.
There’s a lot of things I simply can no longer do. Sleep through the night being one — for sleeping on this shoulder is challenging. I do miss the powerful feeling of a strong bench press. I used to love training chest — one of strongest bodyparts. But every move, every lift is a challenge of mind and focus. I have to control the muscle, stay in the groove, work with the pain.
But even more so I regret not being able to wrestle with my kids or pick them up with both arms, pain free. Now, don’t get me wrong — I get by. Most people won’t see the pain I live in if not around me. But anyone with a kinesthetic sense will see it. When I was hanging with Mike Ryan recently he didn’t’ take but a few hours before he said, “Damn, you don’t ever use that left arm, do you?”
There are a of other things I can’t do. Certainly most of Crossfit is out. My burpees are lopsided, my pull-ups near impossible, and Olympic lifts are less likely than a balanced US budget. And yet, what is, is. I don’t mean to be too passive of it but I see no purpose is living as a victim of what is.
I’ve refocused my goals and expectations, adjusted for the reality of things I can not control and balanced acceptance with the refusal to succumb. It’s clear to me that I am not invincible, or whatever it was I would call it when I was younger, stronger and less informed. But I believe from this knowing a new sort of Strength — an authentic true strength arises — based not in an illusion of youth but a truth of wisdom.
When Invincible Dies
I think we all have a moment in our lives when it strikes us that we are not invincible. I’m not talking about embracing our morality or dancing with death — it need not be that huge for most of us. It can be fatigue, constant pain, a drop in strength, something that sneaks up and sends us the message that things are changing. Or more likely things changed while we were busy not paying attention.
The odd twist to this is that prior to the awareness that we not invincible, most of would never even consider we feel it. It’s not that we feel so all powerful in our 20’s and 30’s or that we consciously think we are invincible, it’s more the sense of loss — of something missing — when we first notice it’s gone missing.
Invincible is like mom’s home cooking, you don’t appreciate it until it’s gone. I imagine it’s this that athletes are experiencing when they tearfully retire from sports.
It may be an illness, an accident or even some persistent, chronic body pains that awaken but there comes a day when you just say, “Damn, I used to feel invincible.” That’s a safe way of saying, “and now I don’t.”
Invincible is important. It’s the catalyst that leads and allows us to do many things which we’d otherwise fear or perhaps know better. It’s also dangerous, inherently. It’s the fuel that allows us to go to war, jump into and out of things. It’s freedom, courage and energy all together.
For those of you who say, “I don’t feel invincible” trust me, you’ve not had the feeling of losing it yet. When you do, when it’s gone, you’ll know the “A-ha” and think back and say, “Yeah, damn… Shawn was dead on.”
Beyond The Lie of Invincible
The loss of the feeling of invincibility can be distressing at first but it’s not all bad news. For I believe beyond the illusion of invincible is a place of deeper and greater strength to be nurtured. And it’s the loss of this illusion of youth that opens you to find your true strength.
Where once you could run on empty for weeks, digging out the “go” from wherever it’s stored and then more, you now know and respect that energy is finite and you have to stop. You need recovery, rest and peace. You begin to find peace and presence in the regeneration time.
Being invincible is like having an endless money pit, that you could just spend carelessly as you desired. But now, you learn the art of a budget and you may come to appreciate the value of each moment and eliminate the wastage of your time and focus.
And there’s much to be said for eliminating the waste for it makes what you have sweeter, more appreciated. You become more discerning. It’s not that you can’t enjoy a loud, pounding night club it’s that you have things higher on your list that mean more — that you value more.
When you felt invincible you ate nearly anything and most of it worked or don’t but even the crap foods only dulled you briefly. Now, when you indulge in the sugar, sweets or the evil fastest of foods, you find yourself flattened as if taken out by a speeding 18-wheeler. Thus, beyond invincible you find it easier and easier to enjoy the foods that make your lighter and brighter without the diet police.
Beyond invincible is a deeper satisfaction, a presence and not fear but awareness—to be in tune with what works, what might hurt and use wisdom over fear, is the live awake and strong.
Beyond invincible we train not because we’re invincible but because we are not. We train because strength is earned and life is best lived on top. Training strong offers us the experience of feeling invincible again, even if only temporarily.
Invincible was always an illusion, a lie given to us by youth and like all ignorance is best overcome. You are better for it’s passing. Like all endings the end of invincible is also a beginning of a richer, more profound life.
6 Ways to Live Full Strength Beyond Invincible
1. Stop mindless wasting your reservoir and start emphasizing replenishing. Energy is the currency life — and it comes from rest and recovery not Red Bull.
2. Learn to say a robust YES, to the right opportunities and an equally strong “NO!” to the most of them. No is your path to time, freedom and focus.
3. Embody presence, embrace meditation, and practice gratitude daily. Do the rituals that renew and revive. Do them first, not later.
4. Train your body strong with focus and intensity. Find a your new ground of strength from center and arise from inside out.
5. Stop “pushing through” and start enjoying the journey — between the start and end is where life is lived. We focus on the end points and forget the meat in the middle.
6. Eat to nourish your body and mind strong, not to satisfy cravings or avoid emptiness. Fuel yourself well to start each day STRONG. You set your energy, metabolism and outlook in motion–how you start your day is how you close it.
____
This article originally appeared on My Strength For Life.
Photo courtesy of author.