Are the roots of sexism a lack of confidence and a fear of rejection?
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Why do some men go into a panic the moment their ‘authority’ is challenged by a woman, especially when they are in a relationship with the woman? The ‘panic’ can lead to metaphorical or literal punches being thrown in an attempt to confirm who is wearing the ‘pants’ in the relationship.
Quickly, both partners feel frustrated and dissatisfied. They feel stuck in a cycle of mutual recrimination. At this point, the sexual fire in the relationship usually dies away, and the one of the partners may resort to having an affair, or start fantasizing over sexual images which are all too easily available on screen these days.
Thankfully, there are also many men who are not afraid to nurture, and be nurtured by, their partners. Partners who they see and treat as equal while not wanting their to be ‘the same’ as them. Men who learn about, accept, support and celebrate equally with their partners.
I am sad for the men who are apparently unable, or unwilling, to experience the pleasures of sharing mutual acceptance and respect with their partners. It look me a while to feel at ease with this idea and appreciate how fulfilling and enjoyable a mutual raltionship is. I think and hope that more men are realizing the same thing. If we cut ourselves off from our feelings because we’re afraid it’s not ‘manly’ to show emotion, we become so out of balance it’s equivalent to a kind of mental illness. In that state of mind, we’re unable to give or receive the love we actually crave. We can become a danger to those we are close to, as well as to ourselves.
In spite of all the continuing news stories about male sexual violence, more men seem to be becoming more at ease with appreciating ‘the powerful feminine’ (in women, and in themselves). Perhaps, paradoxically, these scandals involving male sexual violence have raised awareness of the issue, and the need for men to take more responsibility for understanding and stopping the problem. Men becoming at ease with appreciating ‘the powerful feminine’ will hopefully lead to a reduction in the fearful feeling that men need to defend themselves or retaliate against women. A real win!
Meanwhile, this ‘Everyday Sexism’ video was a real eye opener for me.
I knew this kind of sexism happened to women on the street and in other public places, but I didn’t realize how often it happens, or what it must feel like to be on the receiving end. As well as how ridiculous and insulting it is.
I’m not sure that the sexist men represented in this clip are necessarily conscious of what underlies their feelings, or their need to behave like this. Maybe, if they scratched a little bit below the surface and were brave enough to admit their feelings to themselves, they would find the roots of the behavior might be in a lack of confidence and a fear of rejection by women.
If there is any hope of changing this unattractive and archaic male behavior, we men need to do more to untangle and understand the ambivalent feelings, attitudes, and behavior towards women that most of us have participated in at some time. Let’s not fall back on dismissing sexist men as “arseholes” etc. We can begin to grow and earn the respect of women. The respect most men actually want, but sometimes we feel too inadequate (and ashamed) to deserve it.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
Another thing regarding parental equality. If a married couple has a baby, they are both assigned and registered as legal parents. If they are not married, the mother is assigned parent at the birth of the child, and in a process that sometimes takes a couple of months and requires some paperwork with the authorities, the man has to be “assigned” as the father of the child, and the mother has to “accept” him as such. Even if they have been cohabitating for several years, which is rather common here in Sweden. This is usually not a problem, but sometimes… Read more »
Another time comes to mind. Some years ago when I was just getting into the corporate world, a young gentleman came into the office on business. The female account execs were drooling. They went so far as to ask me that if he went into the rest room, that I follow him and and check him out for them. Being young and stupid, I should have hauled them into personnel. Same office is where I heard the term “CFM’ shoes” for the first time. The female account exec asked me if I liked her CFM shoes, I had no clue… Read more »
It’s funny … Some years ago I was a part time driver and body guard for an adult entertainment company. I worked with both male and female entertainers. One of their most requested males was Dakota who was a Fabio look alike. BTW, Dakota was a stripper entertainer at night/weekends and an Electronics Engineer by day. Between Dakota and Simple Sally, another favorite, the only shows I ever had to intervene were when women got out of hand including one that I shut down because a 50yo women who chomped down on Dakota’s behind. Women were far more disrespectful then… Read more »
Jeremy I see lots of articles about men’s issues today. Last week I read about how researchers find that boys IQ is falling while girls IQ is not. Nobody seems to understand fully what is going on. Many of the issues you mention to Erin is solved in other counties already. But I do not know about any country that give men the reproductive rights MRA talks about . I am a bit curious about how this can be done . Does it mean the use of surrogate mothers,or does it mean that women will no longer have the right… Read more »
Kim, I see occasional articles about boys’ and men’s issues, but the causes of those issues are almost always attributed to men’s own foibles, or the nebulous patriarchy. Or sometimes we perceive a problem but are mystified at the cause. Almost never are the problems attributed to women’s sexist attitudes toward men, and rarely are those attitudes discussed. And because they are not discussed, most aren’t even aware of the problem (due to the availability heuristic). When women go on dating sites and choose men based on income, that is sexist. It is based on an attitude that men are… Read more »
Jeremy You lost of many issues. I can respond to one. The man who is workaholic. Since I have been married to one, I know that at least he was not pushed by any woman. Not his mother ,nor any other woman. It looked to me that it had to do with his father . He worked to get his father love. It had nothing to do with us his relationship with women. Of course he was affected by the society he grew up in, but it his relationship with men that seemed to be the driving force behind all… Read more »
“But I do not know about any country that give men the reproductive rights MRA talks about . I am a bit curious about how this can be done .” It is being addressed, Kim. A Voice for men just completed its first annual world wide conference on men’s issues. It spanned over 20 countries. A Swiss Politician just introduced the first bill of its kind seeking to grant men parental choice. The process is simple: Granting a man the right to chose parenthood not by subscription, but by choice. In short, to not be relegated to financial obligation based… Read more »
Then society (taxpayers) will end up paying to care for the children the mothers can’t support, instead of the father who is 50% responsible for creating the child. That’s the policy dilemma. If the mother makes a bad choice, doesn’t believe in abortion, or has a child that is not adoptable or less easily adoptable, the child suffers and the taxpayers have the burden instead of the father. I’m not saying that there is nothing wrong with current systems of child support – there is a lot wrong. But the idea of a “financial abortion” will probably never go anywhere… Read more »
Women have the opton of abotion. It is their right, but with rights come responbility…and that is what is lackign with men (all of the responsibility, none of the rights). Everything new and different was once seen as imposible. We thought abortion would never be the law. We could have never dreamed of gay marriage at a time when people were still beating and jailing them. We never thought we’d fly. We thought the world was flat, that monsters existed out on the far edge…and that women would never be leaders in business and society. Though I agree that society… Read more »
@ Becca Even if it doesn’t go anywhere because government would rather make men (not women who can still place their children for adoption, abandon through safe harbor laws, etc.) take financial responsibility for a child rather than the mother (who can get government assistance) and taxpayers, that doesn’t mean that the situation is unjust. It’s rather an injustice or inequality that people don’t have the moral courage to address. That said, I’m not sure that it will never pass. There are segments of the population already talking about a guaranteed basic income, universal health care, taxpayer funded higher education,… Read more »
“But I do not know about any country that give men the reproductive rights MRA talks about . I am a bit curious about how this can be done .” It is being addressed, Kim. A Voice for men just completed its first annual world wide conference on men’s issues. It spanned over 20 countries. A Swiss Politician just introduced the first bill of its kind seeking to grant men parental choice.. The process is simple: Granting a man the right to chose parenthood not by subscription, but by choice. In short, to not be relegated to financial obligation based… Read more »
If there in fact are 7 different genders instead of 2, that would mean there’s 28 possible combinations for partnership between 2 people instead of the 3 we have today.
And since the discussion is brought over to birth rates, I’m a bit curious as to how many of these 28 combination have the possibility to spawn an offspring without outside assistance?
Flyingkal I lack knowledge about who can have babies together or not, of all the seven gender, since we have several varieties of chromosomes. The seven different genders: —————————— 1: female, persons that tell us that they are women. Usually they have breast,clitoris etc. 2: males, persons that tell us they are males. Usually they have a penis and XY chromosome. 3: Intersex. This is persons that say about themselves that they are intersex, and they can have many different combinations of chromosomes. They can have different variations of penis, breast ….etc. 4: persons that tell us that are male,… Read more »
Correction 4: is transgender Flyingkal I lack knowledge about who can have babies together or not, of all the seven gender, since we have several varieties of chromosomes. The seven different genders: —————————— 1: female, persons that tell us that they are women. Usually they have breast,clitoris etc. 2: males, persons that tell us they are males. Usually they have a penis and XY chromosome. 3: Intersex. This is persons that say about themselves that they are intersex, and they can have many different combinations of chromosomes. They can have different variations of penis, breast ….etc. 4: trans persons that… Read more »
“I see lots of articles about men’s issues today. Last week I read about how researchers find that boys IQ is falling while girls IQ is not. Nobody seems to understand fully what is going on. “ I guess that if nobody really understands what’s going on, that’s because nobody’s really interested to find out. I listened to an interview on the radio the other day. Actually it sounded more like a commercial. There was a woman who had graduated from one of Sweden’s top economic schools a couple of years ago, and then proceeded to apply for an apprenticeship… Read more »
Ok Flyingkal.
My guess is that your hypothesis has been tested already by someone.
I had no women as role models in school.
All male teachers . Good men. No women , none.
And my mother is unskilled worker with 7 years of schooling .
The reason why they publish articles about the falling IQ of boys is exactly because somebody do care, register the fact and started to research the phenomenona.
KIm, You really went through school without a single female teacher? Alright. I’m not going to pry about how old you are or where you went to school (or for how long). But you have to agree that today it would be a rather uncommon experience, no? But anyway, the increasing rate of failing boys in school is hardly “my” theory or hypothesis. The results are published and readily available in media of all kinds with a certain regularity, so you need not to be neither a rocker scientist nor a proffessional statistician to have access to or interpret the… Read more »
Guys Women are not blaming you if you don’t perform, participate in, tolerate or view as “funny”, these types of encounters. We want you to see how prevalent and disturbing it is to us and to participate in lessening our chances of encountering it, by holding society and masculinity to a higher standard, to prevent it from happening to us—your daughters, sisters, mothers, grandmothers, aunties….that’s it and all! We’re not asking for this type of behavior, from anyone, no matter how you think we act, dress, or welcome it as confirming your desire or “appreciation” for us. We only want… Read more »
There was another video circulated across the internet not long ago. In that, a woman, dressed in tight, almost see through clothing walked through a heavily ethnic open marketplace. She received a number of comments. Most were verbal expressions of surprise (or mild shock), some were compliments and greetings, none were hostile or threatening. The purveyor of the video asserted in as evidence of a culture of street harassment of women by men. A week latter a couple of wise guys did the same utilizing a male model in the same type of tight, almost see through shirt. The man… Read more »
So you’re going to try to show that sexual harassment is wrong by sexually harassing people. Hopefully you come up with a different concept of yup try to show that rape or murder is wrong.
Nothing’s changed. It’s always been on us. No problem.
Thank you Steve!
This is a great video.
It’s all men’s fault.
J Waiter – can you show me where he said it was all men’s fault?
Ugh! Great yet another article generalizing men saying we’re afraid to show emotion. No one is afraid, we just think it’s largely useless as far mental fossil fuel goes. Crying for many men didn’t help them because they knew largely no one gave a damn about their feelings. These disingenuous article veil blaming men for the shortcomings are incredibly annoying. Do I have to talk about how many times I was honked at by a woman or randomly had my penis surprised touched on the street, or would it be pointless because you’d just say it happens to women more… Read more »
Brandon As a woman I can tell you this: Crying is not something I do to get something , or get help from others. I usually cry alone. Crying is an expression of feelings and makes you feel better afterwards . It can be like a sort of release . Sometimes I cry also when others can see it, and that makes me embarrassed . But I never cry to get help from others. And I can withold crying but never ” turn on crying “. So if a man think there is no use crying because nobody will help… Read more »
Its throughout the whole article. The title does say that sexism is bad for men and women but then proceeds to only talk about the sexism that men commit against women and how men need to earn the respect of women.
Its just more of the usual “women have problems, men are problems”.
But where? Can you give me specific examples instead of a general comment about the entire article? I would like to understand what you guys perceive equating to saying that it’s all men’s fault.
And in what ways *can* we talk about how men contribute to sexism and the things they can do to help women or foster better relationships with women? Those are real issues in our society yes?
Hi Erin. You seem sincere, so I’ll try to address your question as best I can. This article purports to discuss every day sexism, and how it negatively affects men and women. Yet it only discusses sexism in the context of male attitudes toward women that are sexist. No doubt those attitudes are problematic, yet we have seen a revolution over the last 50 years (or so) in male attitudes toward women. We hear it shouted from the rooftops “Hey men, treat women as equals.” And most men try to do so, though they may fail on occasion. What don’t… Read more »
Jeremy – you seem sincere too. So I will share some of my other questions. Bare with me. Can you please provide me with specific examples from the article that indicate that the article is saying everything is all men’s fault? I am still trying to understand which parts of the article has conveyed that message. I really need to see something more specific and concrete, that gives me information and context. Because how I read the article, and how several of you did, is quite different. So I’m trying to understand your perspective. What is inherently wrong about specifically… Read more »
Erin its more of what the title and subtitle say versus what is actually in the article. The title and subtitle are actually quite innocuous and gender neutral. I was expecting a change from the usual types of articles like this that straight up portray one side as the wrong doer and the other as a victim of circumstance. However the entire article starts and finishes with indictiments against men and men only. Why do some men go into a panic the moment their ‘authority’ is challenged by a woman, especially when they are in a relationship with the woman?… Read more »
I can. 1. “Why do some men go into a panic the moment their ‘authority’ is challenged by a woman, especially when they are in a relationship with the woman? The ‘panic’ can lead to metaphorical or literal punches being thrown in an attempt to confirm who is wearing the ‘pants’ in the relationship.” The assumption of male dominance and authority, and the alleged “panic mode” that is not founded in any scientific fact. The assumption that men will revert to “punching” a woman if he does not get his way. This is feminist dogma that assumes that men will… Read more »
“What is inherently wrong about specifically addressing male attitudes toward women? I don’t get how this could be wrong or bad. Can you explain to me why it’s no longer important or necessarily to address these issues when we still have such a long way to go?” I think that the better question today is, what is inherently wrong about specifically addressing female attitudes toward men. That is what is not being discussed. We’ve had fifty years of hearing “herstory”, and it continues today. That is all we hear, and the fact is that when we attempt to speak of… Read more »
Jeremy, this just came to mind. Through the years while working with adolescent males, what has been clear is that many kids have no clue that they’ve been sexually abused by women. To quote one 16 year old boy, “I bagged my first babe (18 yo babysitter) when I was 11 years old.”
Is sexual harassment in the eyes of the receiver? Obviously the kid that I was previously mentioned, could grow to be an adult thinking a women commenting about his looks or even groping him to be okay … or even a compliment.