Dr. Samantha Sweeney asks us to continue the conversation about gender roles and offers questions to ask yourself, and your children.
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We are using Father’s Day as an opportunity to think about and discuss our own ideas about maleness and masculinity. This seems fitting as traditionally being an involved father was not thought of as a very masculine thing to do. And men were certainly not supposed to actually show true affection towards their children. I’m thankful that some things have changed. That men who shower their children with hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection are much less likely to be seen in a negative way. Affection is not effeminate; it’s human. But we still have a long way to go.
Men have an important responsibility to change their behavior, but women contribute to our culture as well and also share the responsibility to change it.
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I’ve received some feedback that you would like to see me talk about current events more, so I’m incorporating some of my thoughts about the Brock Turner case into this week. The connection between masculinity and sexual conquest is undeniable and I believe it contributes to a culture that excuses, or even condones, sexual assault. Disclaimer – this week’s video is not for little ones.
So this week is an opportunity for you to think about your own views on masculinity and how you are presenting that to your kids. Men have an important responsibility to change their behavior, but women contribute to our culture as well and also share the responsibility to change it. Check out the video and the one-page guide on ideas for how to get started. While, admittedly, this week’s video is less ‘fun’, it is all about making these conversations less intimidating and more accessible. I think we accomplish that here.
Have you ever examined your own views about masculinity? If not, what is/was holding you back? How will you introduce the topic to your kids? If you have already, what was the most surprising thing that they told you? Leave a comment below.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
1.What do you think it means to be a man? What defines who and what a man is?
2.What messages were communicated to you about what a man was? By parents? Family members? Friends? Teachers? Place of worship? Etc?
3.Think about the important men in your life. What do they have in common? How do they treat other men? Women? Children?
4.What biases do you hold about what it means to be a man? Are these biases something you can let go of? Would you want to? Why or why not?
5.How do you think society’s ideas of maleness & masculinity contributes to sexual violence against women and men?
6.Men are often victims of sexual violence and they are overwhelmingly the perpetrators. Why do you think this is not discussed as often or as openly as sexual violence against women?
7.What were your emotional or physical reactions in answering these questions? Did they make you uncomfortable? Did you skip over any of them? Were you dismissive of any? Which ones?
Questions/Comments For Your Kids:
Now that you’ve taken the time to think about your own thoughts on maleness and masculinity, talk about it with your kids. Here are some suggestions on how to get started
1.Ask about the gender dynamics of your child’s school, playgroup, class. Are there differential expectations of each sex? Are the expectations more rigid for boys than girls?
2.Talk about the men in your child’s life (daddy, teachers, uncles, etc). What makes them special? Do those things have to do with ideas about masculinity? Do they have to?
3.Talk about language that your child hears related to gender. Alter the language that you use for boys as opposed to girls (e.g., boys can be princesses & girls can be superheroes)
4.Ask your child directly what they think the differences are between boys and girls. Don’t correct them right away, just listen. Ask where they got their ideas about gender – specifically about what it means to be a man.
Originally Published on CulturallyCompetentKids.com
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Photo: Getty Images
Clerical work used to be a man’s profession until the American Civil War came around and with the rise of corporations, clerical work slowly became a female-dominated profession. Clerical work in the military (like Radar O Reilly of MASH) was also a man’s profession until the advent of World War II and more military jobs were open up to women. Back in the 1930s, 1940s, 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s, you still had a tough guy, macho guys played by John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, James Cagney, Edward G. Robinson, Humphrey Bogart, and Bruce Willis that have influence society… Read more »
Even though I appreciate your article, I haven’t finished reading it. The first paragraph really go to me; so, I had to stop reading your article to reply immediately. I was born in 1950. Since his mother had been married four of five times, my father didn’t know how to be a father. So, he sought professional advice by reading books written by “experts.” Apparently, the popular view was that boys should not be cuddled by their parents. This lack of affection would supposedly prevent boys from becoming “sissies” (whatever that means). Since she was seven years older than I,… Read more »
Tom tends to blame fatherlessness for problems boys face. An alienated dad may very well qualify as fatherlessness. He may blame feminists for the break up of the family, but I can’t speak to that. I can’t say whether Tom does, but I blame feminists for much of the issues men have bonding with their children when they’ve broken up with their mothers. I blame feminists (to some extent, but the adoption industry has to take a lot of it also) for men being alienated from their children in unfair (probably a violation of human rights significant) adoption proceeding, I… Read more »
I am impressed by your reply. You have shown grace. Since I had previously ranted in response to posts you had submitted, I would not have blamed you if you had responded on this occasion with snarkiness. I have not followed politics closely enough to become familiar with the ideological stances of the current generation of feminists. My sister (who retired from activist politics decades ago) became a feminist in the last years of the Vietnam War. I remember her being very sympathetic to the problems of men such as veterans and badly injured college athlete classmates of hers. She… Read more »
I think that blaming feminists for all that you speak of is problematic. It’s analogous to blaming all Black people for all inner-city violence. It’s much more complicated than that. Examining feminists’ role in these issues is important, but blaming them entirely? I don’t think that’s productive. If you are asking that we take a wider view of father-son relationships – which I think is a fair point – then I also ask that you consider if blaming all who identify as feminists for the aforementioned issues is really the solution. I don’t believe it is.
Greetings, Dr. Sweeney. I’m not blaming feminists for all the problems I spoke of. To the contrary, in my first post I gave an example of a problem that could not possibly be blamed on feminists — a problem that had originated from a false notion that I would consider to be related to machismo. Denying affection to a boy four years of age or younger in no way makes him tough. If anything, it crushes his spirit at an early age and, if untreated, may result in the boy growing up to be a neurotic young man. This in… Read more »
My apologies Bill – my reply was meant for John. I am impressed by your heartfelt responses and your willingness to be open and vulnerable on an online forum. I am sorry to hear of your depression. I hope you are willing to seek therapy help if necessary and that you continue to be a voice on forums such as these. The world needs more men who are introspective and candid like you. I applaud you.
There’s no need to apologize. But I thank you for letting me know for whom your reply was meant.
My depression has been caused by a chronic sleep disorder. I’ve been on a bodybuilding program. Good sleep is essential to bodybuilding; so, my progress has been extremely slow. When I sleep well once again, I’ll no longer be depressed. In the meantime, I deeply appreciate your concern.
Thank you for your kind compliments. They also are deeply appreciated.
Take care of yourself, Bill. Best wishes. Join us when you’re ready.
Thank you for your expression of concern, John. I need a break from forum posting. Being tired all the time from lack of sleep is not conducive to clear thinking and good judgment. I’m actually not an angry person. I just have a few “hot button” issues that have arisen out of personal experiences. I have a friendly disposition in real life, and I get along with most people. I need to concentrate on getting well. My health problem requires a lot of self-discipline and patience on my part, and it won’t be overcome in just a few days. Thanks… Read more »
I don’t blame feminism except to the extent that feminism is at fault. For example. child custody / visitation after divorce. The MRM supports shared parenting. Feminists as a group oppose shared parenting. When I say as a group, it’s because many feminists have organized into groups to oppose shared parenting, while few if any feminists have formed groups in support of shared parenting. What it essentially comes down to is feminists want the mother to have unilateral decision making as to the level of involvement a father can have with his child. The MRM wants to start with the… Read more »
John – I just don’t agree with you. I understand that some feminists have groups that oppose shared parenting, but to say that applies to all or even most feminists is patently false. Just because other feminists have not organized groups, does not mean that they don’t support shared parenting. Not all people choose organized groups as their way to protest or support. I think that most feminists would wholly support you, but if you say things like “I blame feminists for…” you’re not going to get a lot of support. Language matters and the words that you are using… Read more »
Bill, I agreed totally with your views. Guys like DJ and Mr. Brechlin don’t seem to realized that men have played a large part in suppressing young male’s emotions with disastrous results for both the boys and society. It is pathetic that men are not allowed to speak their minds, cry, laugh, etc. You can’t blame totally this on women although they too play their part in suppressing boys’ emotions.
Hope you recover from your depression
“5. How do you think society’s ideas of maleness & masculinity contributes to sexual violence against women and men?” In regards to question #5 I would point out first that whenever we talk about something like “society’s ideas of maleness and masculinity” we are talking about an enormously diverse, incongruous collection of conditional metrics and levers. Even proceeding from the (relatively) ‘uniform’ starting point of modern western liberal & multi-cultural democracies there are profound discontinuities- country by country, region by region, culture by culture. It’s nearly impossible to achieve anything like a consensus, or even discuss any generalized or collective… Read more »
“This seems fitting as traditionally being an involved father was not thought of as a very masculine thing to do.” That depends on how you view tradition. Did fathers not teach their sons to hunt, till the soil, etc? Nursing used to be a man’s profession. Why did it change and why did men stop being looked on as nurturers? It changed once. It could change again. Women always worried and bachelor parties. Aren’t they the ultimate display of masculinity? Bachelor parties aren’t things throw for the bachelor. They’re something for the bachelor to endure and is really for his… Read more »