Facebook’s new privacy feature allows you to “Take-a-Break” from your ex without having to unfriend them.
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For all of our societal griping about how social media and smartphones have destroyed human relationships as we’ve known them, I have remained steadfastly grateful for the ability to connect, share, play and work with the ease these inventions have established.
There are certainly draw-backs, and I would venture to say that the majority of them fall under the realm of relationship dynamics — one of my favorite topics in the whole, wide world.
There is the debate as to whether posting about your relationships is healthy or unhealthy.
There is debate as to whether quizzes that use Facebook as a crystal ball are harmless fun or legalized identity theft.
There is debate as to whether anything anyone ever has posted on Facebook since its inception has actually been true.
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Just a few days ago a friend posted a complaint I had not yet heard about Facebook “memories,” and how hurtful it was to have Facebook send these daily reminders of a now extinct romantic relationship she had not expected to see surface again. That was one I hadn’t considered before.
I have not stayed Facebook “friends” with any significant exes of mine, but I can absolutely understand why many people do, as well as why they keep pictures of their exes within their profiles, especially if they have children together.
In fact, in high conflict divorces and break-ups, unfriending your ex could potentially trigger an outburst of negative emotion. As trivial as most of us say we consider Facebook to be, there is no denying the overt slap-in-the-face it has become to unfriend someone you have been close with, let alone married to or in a long-term relationship with.
And given that the most dangerous time for any victim of abuse is when they try to leave, unfriending an abuser can be far more devastating than people fortunate enough to never have experienced domestic violence can possibly imagine.
So when I woke up to the trending news that Facebook has just announced a new feature currently being referred to as its “breakup protection tool,” I had to explore it further immediately.
According to Facebook’s new Community Support FYI blog series:
Facebook is a place for sharing life’s important moments, which for many people include their romantic relationships. When a relationship ends, we’ve heard from people that they sometimes have questions about the options available to them on Facebook.
Starting today, we are testing tools to help people manage how they interact with their former partners on Facebook after a relationship has ended. When people change their relationship status to indicate they are no longer in a relationship, they will be prompted to try these tools….
This work is part of our ongoing effort to develop resources for people who may be going through difficult moments in their lives. We hope these tools will help people end relationships on Facebook with greater ease, comfort and sense of control.
How’s that for some fantastic customer service?
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Here are the three options you will be offered should you and your sweetheart part ways, and what I see as the brilliance of each.
1) You will be able to “See less of a former partner’s name and profile picture around Facebook without having to unfriend or block them. Their posts won’t show up in News Feed and their name won’t be suggested when people write a new message or tag friends in photos.”
My absolute favorite aspect of Facebook is the ability it gives me to pop in on my friends’ and family’s lives to see what they are up to in any given moment. Their updates, pictures, jokes, and stories bring welcome relief during my own darker times. What would not be welcome, however, for me or most anyone else I can think of, would be to scroll along through the News Feed and happen upon the gleaming smile of your ex right after parting ways.
No matter how amicable you remain, nor how many vows of lifelong friendship you have exchanged, seeing the person you thought you would be with forever out having a blast with someone else while you tap away on your phone in sweats is never, ever fun.
2) You will be able to “Limit the photos, videos or status updates that a former partner will see.”
Not only do most people not want to see their ex stream by on their phone, most of us also would prefer not to have to worry that our ex might be “Facebook stalking” us at the moment we finally step out as well, resulting in their receiving more information than we would prefer to share for reasons ranging from simple boundary setting to necessary self-protection from someone potentially volatile.
3) You will be able to “Edit who can see [your] past posts with a former partner and untag [yourself] from posts with that person.”
I cannot imagine that I am the only person who has been out on a date with someone new when I found myself facing the question, “So who’s the dude in the pictures on Facebook?” (Weirdly and embarrassingly, when I am asked this question, they are without fail referring to a picture of me with my father. Yes, I get it. He looks young for his age, but are you dudes kidding me????)
To me, this feature is the most ingenuous of all. You don’t have to offend your ex — or hurt your kids if they are of Facebooking age and haven’t unfollowed you yet anyway — by removing all signs of his or her existence, and you can also safely accept friends requests from that really interesting new person without worrying that allowing them access to your friends-only photo albums will set off an inquiry into your past relationship details worthy of it’s own episode of CSI (or NCIS or whatever other detective show people who watch detective shows are watching these days).
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What do you think? Would you take Facebook up on the offer? Does knowing these options will be available in the future make you feel more secure sharing your relationship on Facebook now or in the future?
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Photo credit: Flickr/atWXNC
Also by Arianna Jeret
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Stupid really
I didn’t join Facebook until last year, so thankfully, my ex and I had nothing shared there. But I found that having so many common friends has caused me some emotional grief. I never looked at her page but seeing her pop up in comments and being in mentions wasn’t doing my mental health any good so I ended up blocking her so I wouldn’t see it anymore. Probably childish, but as long as it still hurts, I don’t feel like I have a choice.