Melissa T. Shultz talks about how to fix the damage from a bad father/daughter relationship—and why it’s so important to do.
—
It was the second time in a matter of weeks that I’d heard a woman open up about her relationship with her father. The first was a movie star on national television. The second was during a writing workshop, when one of my students—a woman whom I assumed to be in her 40s—mentioned she was back in college, making up for lost time and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. She was in my class because she said she had lots of funny stories to tell and she wasn’t sure where to start. The more she spoke, the more I sensed something that wasn’t humor at all, but a mask for what was hidden—something painful, and it was only now beginning to surface.
When we were in the middle of a group exercise designed to draw the students out, I took a leap of faith and asked her if she had a father who was fully present growing up. If she’d had what I called “father love.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
“No,” she said flatly.
Then she went on to explain that her father, who was emotionally unstable, had left when she was very young. He resurfaced when she was a teenager, and she tried to help him by being his caretaker for many years.
Suddenly the room full of 15 women and one man—most of whom were middle-aged, many of whom were empty-nesters who had never met one another previously—began to open up. And as they spoke, the subject of fathers stirred the most emotion. Some talked about how their fathers were alcoholics, others that they were absent, or angry, and yes, some were loving. All of their fathers impacted their lives in ways they wanted to explore in their writing.
♦◊♦
The idea that the father/daughter relationship is as important if not more so than the mother/daughter relationship, was not spoken about much among my parents’ generation. This may be because of the more traditional role mothers played in the past, raising children. Most women of that era didn’t tell their husbands what they expected of them as a parent.
Years ago, I heard a pediatrician interviewed on a radio show talk about father/daughter relationships. She said that a girl’s experience of parental love with her dad pretty much serves as the model to what male love is all about, and if it’s a positive experience, she’ll do better later in life—that his love can help make or break her self-esteem.
After teaching essay-writing to adults for many years, I’ve found that the majority of my students are over 40, female, and have had less than ideal father/daughter relationships. These women are in search of their voice and don’t want to spend another decade keeping it bottled up. Sometimes the classes are liberating for them; other times, the exercises and the process of writing about their experiences and feelings proves too painful.
I can relate. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. And over the years, I’ve spoken with women friends whom I’ve considered to be very successful in love and career, but who, it turns out didn’t view themselves that way. And each time, it was not their mother/daughter relationship that they talked about affecting their self-esteem and the choices they made in life as much as their father/daughter relationship—or lack thereof.
Ideally, as we get older, we learn more about who our fathers were as people, not just as fathers, and it can help us put some of their behaviors into perspective. Not excuse them, but put them into perspective.
♦◊♦
A friend once told me she purposely avoided marrying anyone she thought might become an alcoholic, like her dad. What she didn’t realize was that her father had other equally serious character flaws that she didn’t fully understand until she had been on her own and then married for a while. “My dad never finished high school,” she said. “He joined the Marine Corps when he was 19, and fought in the South Pacific during WWII. After the war, he worked at a Jeep factory, and at one point he worked for the Post Office. Then he became a salesman for a number of companies. The alcoholism really influenced his career, and his work ethic lessened every year. I never respected him much while I was growing up, although I always knew he was funny. Then, when I attended a funeral several years ago at Arlington National Cemetery, the young Marines were so elegant and strong and disciplined. For the first time I was overwhelmed with pride for my father. At some point, he’d been one of these guys, and he tried to do what was right. Who knows what changed for him.”
By contrast, another friend had a very different experience growing up. A New York City police officer, her father had never shied away from hard work. He worked his way up through the ranks, studying hard and taking written promotion exams for each level, at the same time he attended college and was actively involved in raising his four children, one of whom had Down syndrome.
When I asked her if she thought her relationship with her dad influenced her choice of mates she said it absolutely did: “I looked for a man with principles, and a sense of humor, someone who would want to make decisions with me, team up with me—all qualities I saw in my father. I witnessed my parents’ loving relationship and their ability to go through life together, and that was a model for me. So, it isn’t just the relationship between me and my dad, but my observation of the relationship between my parents that really influenced my decision about who I wanted to marry.”
Studies have shown that women do generally marry men who are like their fathers; whether they are nurturing or absent, women take their cues from the most important man in their formative years and how he treats them. Women also tend to keep quiet about difficulties at home while they were growing up. It’s not that families have a conversation about doing this, but women sense that they’re not supposed to tell. The result is that these girls grow up ashamed, thinking that whatever transpired was their fault — and decades later, they’re in writing classes and various forms of therapy, coming to terms with their feelings.
As a writer, teacher, daughter, and newly empty-nester in search of my future, I’ve learned a lot about self-esteem and of the power of love. If I could pass along a message to all my sisters out there who’ve felt the pain and shame of a poor father/daughter relationship, the message would be in two parts:
1. It’s not your fault. You were just a kid. All kids deserve to be loved and protected. Don’t blame yourself for what your father did or didn’t do.
2. Write about it, talk about it—turn it into art. By sharing our wounds we open up our hearts and healing happens. I know, I’ve seen it firsthand.
The bottom line is this: A negative relationship with your father will only come to define you if you let it. Don’t let the past determine your present, and your future. As mature adults, we have the power to set the course of our lives. Remember that—we have the power. Let’s use it.
—
Originally published on The Huffington Post.
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo: Booleansplit / flickr
@ Abigal eventhough your may have been reading into Trey’s post and not applicable in his situation, I really appreciated the words you spoke and the definition of LOVE you gave. It actually helps me think about my own relationship with my father and the men I have chosen subsequently. Thanks for sharing
This is what I fear most about being a father to my 11-year old daughter. I yell at her too much, I get on her about her behavior, or her “controlling” her younger brother. I got yelled at a lot growing up from my dad and now I’m doing that to my kids. It’s hurt me deeply to think that I’m screwing up my kids in the same way I was screwed up. There are times that I apologize for my behavior, or for something I said, but then feel that I shouldn’t hug or kiss her. That would be… Read more »
One thing would be to talk out the issue and the yelling….. Explain how you dislike all of that……and accept that she does also. Try to give her the tools to work with you to ease the issues, along with firm boundaries of what behavior gets what predictable reaction from dad…..Be predictable in anger……..no flying off the handle for what got a chuckle and mild reprimand the day before. Accept that kid/people act out at times as do you. No matter what make sure they know you always love them and hold them dear……..even and especially when they push all… Read more »
I am actually going through this situation now, trying to figure out how to be healthier than my parents, I grew up with certain teachings that were not in tune with who I was and am today. I love my parents but don’t have a relationship worth much with them. I let them know their granddaughter but will never really trust that they care about me or my needs, I would not get married until I found someone that could and would show affection, I am still single at 32yr old but wouldn’t trade that for being in a relationship… Read more »
It’s interesting that so many women who didn’t have a dad in their lives, look for a man who fits an image they have in their head. A large % of our kids today are in fatherless families. IMO we’re looking at troubled generations to come. What are these women going to look for when we have a couple of generations of men who were also fatherless that don’t have the father influence either?
@Tom Is there any reason to think boys and girls from single mother will not grow up to become mature adults? And as mature men and women they will be responsible just like other mature adults. If masculinity comes from within , then why are you worried ? Maybe the trouble the kids in your ward have is caused by problems in the family they grew up in, and personal problems the mother have, more than a lack of role models? Are girls that grow up with a single dad totally messed up and confused if the dad is an… Read more »
We all grow up and inherit/invent/discover a mental toolkit that helps us problem solve, be social, Marry someone, stay married, know when to leave, handle the particular pressures and advantages of both our sex/orientation and social class……If you don’t get to “inherit” those tools…..many of which are handed down with your first step/first hug/first supported stab at independence……you tend to be at a disadvantage. Some of it is just harder to unlearn/correct/relearn later in life. Boys learn somewhat better on average from Dad / Girls from Mom…….but a good mom or dad can help balance out the quality of the… Read more »
Hi Trey1963 You write that boys learn better from a dad. But is this a hypotheses or facts? Then girls must learn better from a mother. Maybe we talk about sex identity development ? I do not know, but boys that grow up with two lesbian mothers are said to be fine and not handicapped as men or humans. But I support that fathers take part in raising both girls and boys, and I support paternity leave for fathers, so that they can bond from day one, and also learn how to be stay at home dads in periods if… Read more »
“Boys learn somewhat better on average from Dad / Girls from Mom…….but a good mom or dad can help balance out the quality of the tools learned from a lesser quality parent….” The idea that a girl needs her mom or female figure to look-up to and emulate is widely accepted, So why is it controversial to say that a boy might on average do better with a Dad? Do women deal with male hormone fueled anger/rage/frustration from the point of view of how to control it Before it erupts? Dads do….. Same as dealing with female hormonal surges that… Read more »
“The more she spoke, the more I sensed something that wasn’t humor at all….”
Thank you for teaching writing workshop and sharing other people’s stories…it is hard for some people to realize that their pain and secrets are worth telling…or that anyone will listen to them….or that they will be censured just for telling their truth….
There are a great many possible explanations of the cause of the problems women are struggling with in this article. I also believe that you can find women who had great fathers who also struggle with the same problems.
I wrote something that relates to this. “The First Year Was HELL” My wife who was raised without a dad, saw me as the dad she never had. I came from a traditional family and she saw in me, that which she would want in a dad. Fortunately we worked through it and have been married for 38 years now. Fast forward to my own daughter. She married a man who in a lot of ways is like me. They’ve been married for about 5 years now. I’m cazy for my son (now adult) but there is a special place… Read more »
This is the kind of article I needed to read now. My relationship with my daughter is strained now because of things I’m ashamed to say I did in the past. I’m hoping this will help begin to mend the fences some between us.
Trey, it sounds to me like you have an understanding and empathetic approach to what your wife is dealing with. I’d have to agree that it seems as though Abigail has jumped to some really nasty conclusions about your words. My inference from your first comment, even before reading your subsequent explanations, was such. Switching roles is difficult for any person, and any role. I think it’s admirable and profound that you are able to hear her thoughts and concerns without judging her or belittling her for them. My father was absent my entire life, he’s still a homeless drug… Read more »
My wife has issues with how close I am to our daughters, as a fatherless kid herself she’s frankly jealous of her own kids on this matter……it’s not pretty. Only made worse due to my being a SAHD and that screwing with her gender role expectations……not that I had a choice …… very nasty cardiac trouble sidelined me from full-time paid employment. Still I ended up “punished” for being good at it as a sahd along with “taking her place”.
Trey, Skipping over your wife and loving your daughters more than you love her, does, indeed, send the message she’s unworthy of love. It’s a repeat of the message her dad sent her. The issue is not that she’s jealous of her daughters. The issue is that you’ve showered your love on the easy ones. Who doesn’t love their kids? Daughters adore their daddys. It’s easy. The harder person to love is an adult female. It’s also hard to acknowledge her hurts and validate them as reasonable, especially given her childhood. Another hard part is most husbands expect their wives… Read more »
Who ever said I loved them over my wife? Not so, nor ever said…….Her reaction was to her sense of loss over her dad being missing her whole life. Hell, I create private time for my wife and for her with each kid and have always managed to put her first. Her words, are that she is jealous of my interactions with the kids, because her inner child still screams out over her father loss. She sees what she was missing AS A CHILD.
Further, daughters who experience their dads choosing them over their mothers, set those girls up to disdain women at some level.
Women who disdain other women have no problem having affairs with married men / fathers. Our world is filled with children whose families and secure nests have been obliterated by divorce caused by adultery.
Wow….dumping the responsibility of the ills of the world on my head today. Once again your assumptions are wrong……. Wife’s 3 years of therapy brought out her reasons for acting out. Mostly about her Mom and Gma cutting her dad and even any mention of him out of her life. A weak Mom and overbearing Gma leaving her with a mom that had no idea how to even be a mother when she was 8 and Gma died. Kids are teens and tweens … the hard to love’em at times years of parenting. The role reversal was/is hard, as it… Read more »
Wow talk about not hearing clearly and projecting. Trey never indicated that he chooses his daughters over his wife. He has a solid relationship with his daughters and a solid relationship with his wife. She felt safe and secure enough to share her insecurity and vulnerability with him and they went through therapy (even if it was not couples therapy – no indication – when one part of a team is in therapy the entire team goes to therapy) sounds like they are in a good place. The point he is making that is being missed is that it is… Read more »
Hi Melissa,
I work with men who are struggling in marriages with wives who have had very negative relationships with their dads.
Do you have any advice/examples of how husbands can help/behave/speak/discuss/act in order to help their wives? Distrust is a huge issue for these couples.
Thanks,
Steve
Dear Steve,
I am not a therapist, but I can tell you, patience is everything.
Thanks for bringing this issue up. Absent/unavailable fathers have had a huge impact on so many. I am a father of a beautiful and brilliant daughter who I love with all my heart. I do not live with her and have often struggled with the physical distance. It is very easy to feel out of the picture and unimportant. Your article is a great reminder and very encouraging!
Thanks, Chad…I know it must be very difficult, but making the effort to see her and be there for her will have a positive impact on your relationship!.
Hi Melissa
Thank you for an intersting article. I hope lots of men and women will read it and comment on it.
Thanks for reading it! Would love to hear from readers about their experiences.