In the face of tantrums, grown-up relationships, and trying to balance a career with kids, John Taylor wonders if he’s strong enough for his role as primary at-home parent.
Originally appeared at The Daddy Yo Dude
What if I just wasn’t cut out for the at-home parent role?
This is something I have been asking of myself the last few weeks. Surely those of you who have gone from being a full time worker to full time parent have asked the same thing, right? I don’t know if it is the kids, misbehaving, or my stress tolerance level, or something completely unknown. Recently though, I have started to question whether or not this was, in fact, the best choice for our family.
Let me break it down a bit for you.
With the last month or so bringing so many different unexpected variables to our lives, one thing after another just seems to be breaking me more and more. Like long, sleepless nights. Never ending restless days. Toddler attitudes at whole new levels on the national security scale.
Sometimes, I can’t help bit to think that my children are slowly losing their confidence in my role as primary caregiver. They say they miss me during my long work weekends. But do they really? Or is it just because the usual routine is broken on the weekends? At least I get an “I love you” at the end of the day. That definitely has to count for something.
Then there is this whole other part of my life that has to be handled that is mostly separate from the kids. There is my relationship with my wife, my job, and my own mental well being. Parenting and living as an actual adult are nothing like I thought they would be way back in the day. There actually has to be a lot of work put into it. It can get tiring. Very tiring.
There are days that I just want to rip my beard off. Days where I would rather be having a root canal. And I don’t even know what that feels like. There are days that I wish I was back to working full time and the wife was at home. Truth be told, things seemed a lot more stable back then. I don’t want to be sounding like a Debbie Downer, but that’s just the way it is. That’s how it feels.
Real Talk.
I don’t hate my life. I am blessed with breath, with new mornings and aging nights. I am blessed with family, with friends, and with love. I have this amazing opportunity to watch my kids grow up right in front of me. For all of the things I missed in their early lives because I was always out of the home, I now get to make up for. That’s really effin cool in my opinion. I know there are choices, and changes, and attitudes that can change. I guess I just don’t know where to begin. And I am trying my best to have all the strength I need.
I just figured, maybe I am not alone in this. Is it possible another parent has felt this way at some point? Sure there is. It comes with the territory. Right?
About John Taylor
Thanks for your honesty! My wife and I are dealing with this, but she stays at home. It is very challenging on a personal level, as well as a couple. I wish I had some answers or advice, but I am figuring it out too. And to answer the question posed in the headline- yes, you are good enough. If your self-talk is negative and you are ruled by a measuring stick, you will feel discouraged and depressed. Due your best each day and seek to be a little better.
Thank you for your encouragement and for checking out the post. The transition in roles for us was a major challenge. A challenge that we take on everyday. 5 years of the same routine abruptly changed ans it has taken a lot to keep it all together.
Hey man, I can feel your pain. I often think today’s man actually has it tougher than our fathers because we are asked to do so much more in the early stages of child rearing. My father (though I love him) I swear didn’t really starting hanging out with my sister and I until we were like 6 and 7. By contrast I have been neck deep in poopie diapers and temper tantrums from the beginning. Not to get too long winded but I have discovered that parenting exist in cycles. Sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re not, Sometimes you are the pigeon and sometimes you are the statue. I know that like me, you love your kids and would give your right arm for them and they know that also and no matter what you do they will be better for that love. I do say we all need a break from time to time though, if you can get a night or a couple of days w/out the kids to recharge then I say go for it. If not, just take the solace in the fact that you are doing all you can to be the best father you can be and they will make sure you are put in a good “home” when you get old.
I agree with you Reg about the generational comment. I think men around our age are the first really hands on dads and it can be challenging to be the first. I’m not saying men weren’t in the past, but not to this degree. Men today are expected to have a career, but give 100% to the kids when they get home. My dad was one to isolate when he came home and I think a lot of older men were like that. And yes, men need self-care just as much a woman! It doesn’t mean you are weak, just that you want to have enough to give to your kids and partner.
Brave man! Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to break with the old ways and try out the new.
I’m not a parent – childless by choice (I would notice, since I’m a woman!) – but there are some things I’ve picked up along the way.
I wonder if your question “Am I good enough?” is because reality falls short of your ideas and expectations of being your children’s primary carer. In other words, are you trying to achieve the ‘perfection’ your ideas told you to aspire to? If this is the case, I’d refer you to the works of Donald Winnicott. He said that a perfect parent is the worst thing you can give your children (he worked primarily with children and mothers), and the best thing is a ‘good-enough’ parent.
A good enough parent is just like you – struggling with reality, making mistakes, making more mistakes and forever getting it wrong. When you do this, you set your child free to make their own human choices. You give them a role-model of what it is to simply be human. And, in your case, you are giving your children a whole new set of choices simply as a result of the choices you’ve made.
Breaking with traditions is very difficult because it requires us to grow in areas where no prior role-models existed. Yet you are doing just that for your children.
To me, that says you are a great deal more than just good-enough – you are an inspiration to grow beyond ‘normal’ (think of the poopy nappies as manure
) and find out what we are really capable of as ordinary people. And not just for your children!
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
You would be exactly on point in saying that reality does fall short of the expectations and original thoughts that surrounded the decision to take over the at-home role. In fact, I think both myself and my wife have both found that it does.
What haunts me the most is the feeling that maybe we made the wrong decision. Maybe we weren’t prepared enough for such a hasty change.
We try though. That count’s for something, right?
Thanks for the encouragement and checking the post out!
Hello Daddy:
I am a single parent of a teenager. I want to share some advice I received from an older friend, a good man and a very good parent himself, when my son was much younger.
I came to him, near the end of my rope. A single parent, working, taking care of elderly parents, and trying to retain a bit of time/life for myself. I ended my tale of woe with this: ” I feel like I’m walking on an ice floe, and the ice is always shifting under my feet. I can’t keep my balance, and I’m tired.” Man, that was the truth. I loved the people in my life and I was grateful to all the positives in my life, but damn, I really was tired.
He looked at me directly and with the kindest of smiles, he said, “Yes.” He smiled at me again, and left me sitting there.
After some thought, I got it (He confimed it later.) It was a kind of koan. This time of my life was tough, with many responsibilties. Accept this, be peaceful. It will pass.
It did, and things are better now.
John,
A couple of thoughts:
1) You are NOT the only stay-at-home parent feeling this way (dad OR mom); I have a feeling you already knew that, but it’s ALWAYS good to be reminded. If I don’t feel this way once every couple/few weeks, I start to think I’m morphing into Superman.
2) I’m not sure what you used to do in the “real world,” but you HAVE to remind yourself that it wasn’t has significant and/or impactful as what you’re doing as a stay-at-home dad. Not even close!
3) “Real talk” is the BEST way to handle this. Don’t pretend that your beard isn’t in peril or downplay the desire for a root canal. Talk it out. Write it out. Again, stuff you already know.
I’m anxious to follow your blog. Thanks for this wonderfully great post.
Im gonna borrow from the feminist play book and say your wife should be helping out more around the house and needs to show you more appreciation because you are doing the hardest job on the planet
hehe
Sorry if I´m butting in, but here´s a daughters (and aunt and nanny) perspective… Parenting can be very rewarding, but it can also be stressful as hell. And there´s no shame in that (I know many mothers and fathers that feel the same way as you do). All you can do, is give it your best. There is no book on how to live life… no book on perfection, ´cause life just isn´t perfect. Expect stress and screwing up… The stress part is something you have to find out how to deal with, not questioning your abilities, but by finding stress relievers and searching and trying with your partner how to adjust things to make them work a little better each time. It takes time and patience. And yep, some days will be caos. But you´ll have those great, rewarding moments/days (/life) also.
As for screwing up… well, my dad always says that he´s not perfect, that he loves us and that he tried his best. And I gotta say, that´s been a good lesson, not just as a daughter, but as a human being, and some day as a mother too.I`m not perfect (nor do I wan´t to be!!! Poor kids, having to grow up not being able to allow themselves to make mistakes!!). All you can do, is give it your best. You´ll make mistakes, but if you can learn from them and grow, that´s a great example for your kids to grow up with.. Don´t be afraid! And don´t question your abilities! You live and you learn, no other way around it =).
Hey Daddy Dude … hang in there. Even in the best of situations we all question ourselves. After all, these are kids, real human beings. If ya screw up the plumbing, ya get a plumber to fix it. We’re on our own with the kids though …. no taking back what we did or didn’t do. It’s scary as hell. But hereis the real cool part of little kids, they love ya unconditionally! Wow, no matter how we look, what we do, how much money we have or don’t have, they love the heck out of ya.
My kids are grown and my daughter has a 2 year old (my grandson) and she has another on the way. She’s pulling her hair out … her hubby is a firemen so he’s not home half the time. But that’s where my wife and I come in to play. When she’s stressing, it’s a great opportunity to take the grandson off her hands for a minute so she can catch her breath. If you have someone to give you a break, let them do it! It’s not a strike against you to NEED and TAKE that break.
“This too shall pass” and ya know what, when you’re my age, you will have forgotten these sleepless nights, stressed out days. You’re doing great and don’t let anyone tell ya differently. Hang in there.
PS … my grandson is now into not only digging in the diaper but he likes flinging the poop too.
I think we all feel like that at times… are we doing what we should be doing? Am I good at this, should I be the one staying home taking care of the children? I have gone through this myself, and thanks to a great book titled, “The User’s Guide to Being Human: The Art and Science of Self,” by Scott Edmund Miller, I learned a great deal about myself. In the end I discovered that I was good at being a stay-at-home parent and to quit doubting myself.
http://usersguidetobeinghuman.com/
you would be so surprised how many parents feel like this. I am a stay at home mom of two toddler boys, and it is crazy. I’m potty training one and trying to prepare the other one for pre-school. My youngest son, I think is bipolar, because i am. He’s a lot more like me than i hoped. He throws horrible tantrums that can last hours if he wakes up from a nap or if i won’t hold him.He won’t poop on the toilet but will pee, although i have to constantly nag at him and if i don’t then he’ll potty all over himself. He’ll just tell you no if you ask him if he has to potty. My oldest screams and cries if i sing the abc’s or if i try to teach him what things are. He straight up tells me no mommy you’re not right, you don’t know. And it makes me feel like crap. My husband and i made it this way, so i could teach the boys more things and i just feel like a complete failure and more like a good maid than a good mom. Not all days are this bad, but for the most part i can’t wait until my husband gets home at night so i can feel sane again.