I show up either just before or right after my cousin Insomnia manifests, in those elusive moments when she actually allows Jack just enough R.E.M. sleep to keep him from going completely insane.
I scare the shit out of Jack.
The Stephen King treatment’s grown stale and ineffectual against Jack’s resilience and his infuriating tendency to be confrontational about fear. My methodology for Jack these days is far more insidious, more surgically precise. I sift through his subconscious for all of the hurt his rational mind is incapable of processing, then wait until his testicular fortitude is subdued by physical exhaustion. When Jack falls asleep I taunt him with visions; lucid dreams about the life he hoped would be his, the love he (arrogantly) still thinks should be his.
At the pinnacle of his imagined euphoria I set the Elysian fields of his dreams ablaze. I scorch any semblance of hope and leave his faith a smoldering pile of ash and soot.
I make sure Jack wakes entirely bereft of joy.
♦◊♦
I am Jack’s Moral Ambiguity.
I service Jack’s self-preservation mode. I work in tandem with Jack’s survival instinct. I protect Jack.
When the light of day is blinding and the dark of night obscures the path, I offer Jack the comfort of shade. I rationalize his questionable decisions and absolve his inappropriate behavior. When Jack wakes up violent and confused from yet another nightmare plagued slumber, I whisper, “Jack Daniels is your morning coffee.” I don’t assign a moral value to Jack’s actions. I will lie steal and cheat if it means getting him through another day.
I’m a recent but growing addition to the chorus. Ever since Jack’s moral compass was demagnetized by repeated heart trauma, I’ve become more and more powerful. Some of the elder voices are surprised at just how much pull I have over him these days, but Jack needs me. I will sanction any activity that grants Jack an iota of solace, a modicum of even momentary advantage, any fleeting happiness.
♦◊♦
I am Jack’s Raging Libido.
You know that old wives tale about men reaching their sexual peak at seventeen, and declining every year after that? Well I did not get that memo. Jack starved me in his twenties during that sexually suffocating marriage, so when he finally unleashed me after his divorce, I went berserk. I’ve doubled and tripled in the time since Jack loosed me from my cage, and I am never, ever, going back.
I’m fully aware that feeding me means starving his soul, and you know what? I don’t fucking care. I’m ravenous, never-ending, oblivious to logic and utterly devoid of virtue. Combine me with Jack’s Moral Ambiguity and I am unfuckingstoppable. I don’t remember their names. I don’t ask their ages. I don’t give a shit about their feelings. I’m the unofficial channel for all of Jack’s seething, unfocused aggression, and if that dinosaur (Conscience) weren’t still basically in charge I’d run amok and wreck up the place.
♦◊♦
I am Jack’s Conscience.
I am The Elder Voice, the Final Say, the light of reason. I was ingrained into Jack by his parents, inculcated into him from birth. I am his sense of honor, dignity, loyalty, and integrity. I used to run shit, back in the aforetime, the quiet days, before it got so crowded in here. My word was Law; I was above jurisdiction, beyond question. It used to be so… uncomplicated. Then that idiot went and got his heart broken (repeatedly). That’s when the other voices began to question my leadership. My influence became fractured, my authority, diminished.
This is how good guys become assholes: one broken heart at a time.
At this critical juncture in Jack’s life, my remaining ascendent is utterly essential for Jack’s survival. The new challenges he’s facing are unlike the ones that came before; there’s more subtlety, deeper complexity. I’m more aggressive with Jack now than I’ve ever been; I don’t have a choice. If he listens to these younger, rogue voices, Jack is toast. It’s true that I’ve learned compromise; the world Jack was raised to live in where basic decency prevails, does not exist. But I cannot allow questionable ethics to run roughshod with Jack’s life. I corral them all, reign them in, maintain a semblance of Order in the Chaos that is Jack’s emotional state. I keep Jack from losing himself.
I am the last line of defense for Jack’s soul.
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Originally posted at www.jackfrombkln.com.
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Great read dude. Sounds like you beat yourself up a lot though, I think you should be pretty proud of what you’ve accomplished and where you are. 98% of the people on the planet won’t ever be as introspective or honest with themselves as you are, however briefly.
I am Jack’s Flight Attendant.
Each passenger is representative of Jack’s mind.
Libido, Sprituality, Morality, Anger, Love, Hate, etc. etc.
I make sure these passengers leave and depart safely.
I make sure they are well fed, rested, entertained and most of all…
SATISFIED.
My name is, Jack’s Logic.
I like this, as I usually like Jackie’s stuff. Jackie’s a samurai. But I don’t quite agree. I’ve sometimes been able to do some nice things with my “raging libido,” thanks. As a “situation ethicist” I suppose I can be morally ambiguous. I think Nietzsche’s “overman” is a nice idea. Much more a zen practitioner than a dominator.
I like the sound of that “situation ethicist”, but can you extrapolate..
I’m a woman and can relate to the article. My problem is I’m like a kid in front of a cookie jar…if only it was only cookies I was talking about I wouldn’t feel so bad about my desires. Sometimes I feel like I could be a whole different person and wouldn’t mind a bit. Funny how the choices we make mean we have to back away from letting other aspects of our personality really see the light of day.
I read this piece and thought, how is it that one’s moral code, one’s ethics, and one’s very soul can fall so victim to the impact of others? When do we as grown folk start deciding and defining what and who we are without derailing ourselves because we’ve been hurt by others? In full disclosure, my romantic hurts were legend in my 20s. But the lesson I ultimately learned is to not let the hurts by others be a reflection of who I choose to be. And the key word here is “choose.” Sure it is much easier to blame… Read more »
Thank you, Teendoc. Despite my advaned years, I am just clarifying this struggle for myself at this moment in my life. Your words allow me to see I am headed in the right direction.
There’s something deeply troubling to me about this… mostly I feel like there’s this deep well of pain in the author that he’s not letting himself express in sadness, and instead it’s coming out in rage and soul-sucking sexual decisions. It is not heartbreak and frustrated libido that turns someone into an asshole (I’ve had my heart broken repeatedly AND I want to have sex with everything in sight, and I’m pretty sure I’m not an asshole ALL the time). Rather, I think it’s not allowing one’s self to mourn all of those lost opportunities. There’s a piece of the… Read more »
Men’s ambiguity and struggle comes from the fact that as children were taught that to lust after a women is worng. Were taught this from right-wing tradtionalists who wish to shoe horn us into traditional marriage. However, more insidiously we are taught this from the left-wing too, we are told that we need to “respect” women, and attempt to not be rapists. As a young man displaying our sexuality is forbidden, by both political extremes. On the right sexuality itself is discouraged, and suppressed for all. On the left sexuality is the perview of women, any man being sexually open… Read more »
How is “attempting to not be rapists” denying you sexual expression?
@M Dubz: How is “attempting to not be rapists” denying you sexual expression? Because “attempting to not be rapists” implies that you are a rapist and you need to suppress your natural tendency toward rape. In reality very few men are rapists, however, most men are made to feel that they are rapists despite not being anything remotely like rapists. This fear become internalized as “My naural male attractions towards women (which are perfectly normal) are actually my desire to rape comming to the surface, therefore I must suppress them.” In reality for the average man or youth those urges… Read more »
Brother, you just described every waking day for me–ESPECIALLY when it comes to that angel among the devils that we call conscience. I guess my only comfort is I don’t dream when I sleep anymore.
Thanks for letting me know I’m not completely crazy, and I’m not alone.
Amazing!
Powerful! What a gorgeous, profound read. Thank you for sharing it. I love the line, “I scare the shit out of Jack.” When we allow ourselves to “be”, without suppressing or denying our thoughts, all kinds of things surface & scare the shit out of us. If we learn to let it happen, we eventually see that it’s all part of this delicious mix that makes us who we are. We can use what we’ve learned to transform ourselves. We have power to choose – an incredible freedom that we give up when we suppress & deny thoughts, & act… Read more »
“I am Jack’s raging libido… I’m fully aware that feeding me means starving his soul, and you know what? I don’t fucking care.”
I agree that Jack’s libido apparently has no brain and no logic–that explains why it makes such a wildly inaccurate statement. Feeding your libido obviously does not mean ‘starving your soul,’ but it must make Jack’s libido feel better to pretend otherwise.
I was wondering what that meant too.
Lucky for me, my soul & libido are fueled by the same experiences.
I can honestly say that you, Jack, inspire me everyday. I love the person you, are and how true you are to yourself no matter the circumstance. I also find myself constantly have my own internal F*ck Club battle, and I respect your bravery to share it with the world.
Very insightful peice. Hey, if you get a chance , check out an old Woody Allen movie ‘Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex’. There’s a part in it that almost mirrors (in a Woody Allen sort of way) what you were just saying.
Jackie, once again, you wrote a fucking-tastic piece. 8)
Personally, I acknowledge I have lots of inner voices and parts. Years ago, I thought I had multiple personality disorder.
Then, I understood they’re just parts of the bigger picture that is myself. Like a mosaic.
But, boy!, when they disagree with each other… and I’m in the middle… 🙄
Brilliant!
I really cannot speak for more than my own experience and interaction with people (discussions with women and men alike). But it always seems to me that men have more internal conflict than women regarding our morality and sexual discretion. This is a generalization of course, as I’ve spoken to both men who are very clear on the ‘rules’ their Id has in place, and women who struggle with their uncertainty. While the majority of men I’ve known struggle with, or more accurately, only loosely follow those rules their conscience has in place. Especially after having been scorned. As always,… Read more »