For some people, emotional maturity may occur faster than others. Joe Rutland ponders the question of whether emotions and feelings really do matter in life.
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Taking stock of what life has brought me so far is no easy task. There have been the ups and downs, highs and lows, peaks and valleys … OK, you get the picture. Yet there is more joy, in this moment, than pain or sorrow.
It has taken me a long time to truly see my life with my glass half full. Sometimes, my glass is really full … and it’s not all junk. No, my glass is full of joy, happiness, peace, serenity and gladness. Sure, there are times that my glass turns from a Diet Coke into sewer water. Anger, resentment, hatred, vengeful thoughts, unhealthy behaviors, addictive ways and such drag my energy and soul down.
Do I always spend every single minute of every day sifting through where I have been and where I want to go? I mean, every day? While I do believe that taking stock of my feelings and emotions is a worthy endeavor, doing it “perfectly” 24 hours a day can be a life-draining exercise in navel gazing.
Learning about feelings and emotions – my own, that is – did not happen overnight. There was no “Your Emotions and You” book handed to me by my parents. Certainly, it was not available in school. No, it took many, many years of trial and error – and trials – before coming to my own tipping point.
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In the summer of 2002, I was in the midst of beginning to find out who I – Joe – was as a man and human being. This definitely was not coming from an ego standpoint. Oh no, that sucker had taken a gut blow and was pretty deflated.
A few weeks earlier, at the gentle suggestion of a kind and caring therapist in Houston, I made plans to spend my week of summer vacation away from my job at the time at a treatment center in Arizona. This was something that, for the first time maybe in my entire life, I could see as beneficial toward growing up emotionally.
Much like this Sunday morning as I’m writing this piece, I remember flying from Houston to Phoenix on a Sunday. It was an early-morning flight and I arrived in the Valley of the Sun. Beautiful blue skies and a little warm (not monsoon-season hot … yet). I hopped into my rental car and began taking the hour-plus drive to where I would be staying for a week.
This week … oh man … would become one where I started to “see” how much I had let family attitudes and beliefs seep into my own life. Not just in recent years leading up to that point and time, but going all the way back to (gulp!) my youth.
It was a week mixed with sadness, grief and anger. I mean A-N-G-E-R! While I always viewed myself as being a “good boy” and son to his family, I began to see and feel how much repressed rage and frustration was beneath the surface. Instead of “guessing” how I was feeling, I started to feel and it was not always pretty. Picture a wild beast thrusting his head side to side, snot flying out of his nose, frothing at the mouth, growls and howls from the gut – yeah, that was one stage.
The week spent in treatment let me comprehend at an inner level how my feelings and emotions had dictated how I responded to life. It also introduced me to a new concept, mainly that there were sacred spaces that I could release anger, fear and pent-up tears. It also showed me how much love and compassion my inner self needed.
No, it wasn’t the type of love you’d go look for at a honky-tonk bar around 12:30 a.m. This type of love was gentle, nurturing and kind. A lot of the negative self-talk and frustrated feelings were what I was attracting. It came from years of being around pretty sick people doing the best they could do. Seeing that they were doing their best, at the time, was the last thing on my mind. I really wanted to tell them go to fuck off and grow the fuck up.
Emotionally speaking, these people never did. Yet I trusted and believed that the journey I started on for myself … the journey of finding my true north star and who I was … would be worthy.
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Many different theories and others’ experiences with feelings and emotions have been noted throughout time. Some of the greatest philosophers, thinkers, mystics and theologians provide great insight into the human psyche and soul. What does make me tick? What makes you tick?
I guess I should, in all fairness, say that even 12-plus years after that summer journey, I’ll still find myself wandering and muttering about this or that injustice in my life. Thankfully, it does not last for days and weeks on end.
Beating up on me is not fun. Telling myself a bunch of negative talk, or buying into someone else’s pessimistic outlook on life, doesn’t parlay into goodness and light. For me, I can say that my feelings and emotions do matter. They are now important touchstones upon which I get a view into where I am and where I want to be.
I do feel more joy and happiness these days than pain and sorrow. I also feel worthy of all the goodness and abundance that this world can offer.
At the same time, there always is reality. Fantasy does not always equal reality. Nope. It’s OK to have dreams and hopes for a better future and life.
Frankly, where I’m at today is a hell of a lot better than where I was, say, back in 2002. That’s growth, baby. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu wrote centuries ago.
Why did it take so long for me to start getting in touch with my emotions? Answering that question is not that important to me today. The bottom line is that I do have emotions, I can feel them and express them (for the most part) in a healthy way, and connect the inner dots as to where they came from.
Thankfully, I’m able to stay a little more present in my adult emotional state than that of a wounded, hurt, angry little boy.
Most of the time.
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Photo: gagilas/Flickr