I used to think that the biggest problem in our world was men’s lack of compassion, until it dawned on me how that thought lacked compassion. The more I researched and observed, I realized that not only were men compassionate, but they were often unappreciated for their acts of compassion.
Part of the problem stems from a preconceived notion of what compassion looks like. Emma Seppala, Associate Director for the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, claims that “One reason we might think that women are more compassionate than men is that we think of compassion in only one way: nurturance, kindness, softness, gentleness, and emotional warmth. We think of compassion in mostly feminized terms.”
In my life, I can recall many acts of compassion by men that weren’t soft and gentle. Once when I got bashed in the head by my surfboard, a friend of mine threw me on his shoulders and carried me over 2 miles back to medical facilities.
Perhaps if we used the term “fierce compassion,” more acts of compassion by men would come to light. Fierce compassion often involves self-sacrifice like altruistic acts done by soldiers in battle. Men who practice this form of compassion rarely look for acknowledgment or appreciation.
I think about all the men who followed Mahatma Gandhi to the Dharasana Salt Works and allowed themselves to be beaten without retaliating in the spirit of non-violent resistance. Gay men in the military and professional sports who have suffered tremendous abuse, yet continue to perform heroic acts for our safety and entertainment also come to mind.
Fierce compassion can assume the form of teenage boys who are mercilessly bullied every day, yet refuse to retaliate. Some of these boys persevere through depression, isolation, and suicidal thoughts without any support from schools or parents. They are a testament to the strength of humanity just by waking up every day and going to school.
Stay-at-home dads perform courageous acts of nurturing, care, and discipline in the face of prejudice and indifference. Not only are these compassionate men not acknowledged, but they are often condemned and looked down upon by others including their partners. I often see these dads at the park alone watching their children while a group of mothers support each other within earshot without offering an invitation to join their group (actually, I’ve been that dad).
In terms of specific individuals in contemporary society, George Takei, better known as Mr. Sulu from Star Trek, heads the list. A well-known actor, Takei jeopardized his career in 2005 by revealing that he is a homosexual in protest of California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s veto of same-sex marriage legislation. Perhaps Takei’s most fierce acts of compassion occur while he is an announcer for the Howard Stern show, where he is the only cast member who got universally positive feedback from audience e-mails.
Jon Meis who tackled and pepper-sprayed the gunman at Seattle Pacific University has been called a hero, but we rarely hear him described as compassionate. Meis saw and felt the suffering of others and had the desire to help—which he did at great risk to his own safety. This is almost an exact definition of compassion. What Jon Meis did was fiercely compassionate.
For me, the most visceral example of fierce compassion comes from the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama tells a story of a Tibetan monk he met who had been in a Chinese prison, where he was tortured, placed in solitary confinement, and prohibited from practicing his traditions for 20 years.
The Dalai Lama asked this monk if he ever feared for his life. The monk replied only when he feared that he would lose compassion for his Chinese prison guards. This monk would rather die than lose his compassion. We will probably never know the name of this monk or celebrate him the way we do Mother Teresa, but he is a man and he is practicing a form of compassion that needs to be recognized.
I’d like to invite you to keep your eye out for this form of fierce compassion and tell the men in your life that you appreciate their sacrifice, courage, and strength when you see them acting in this manner. The more these compassionate acts are recognized the more they will spread.
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If you are interested in cultivating your fierce compassion, join me at the Fierce Compassion and Purpose Conference in San Francisco. Click here for more information.
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This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
This was as a very interesting read. At first I thought the compassion you were describing as more of heroic acts rather than compassion, but after I looked up the definition of compassion and then thought about this article, I completely agree. I think that compassion isn’t always soft, but also fierce as you said, or action-wise as how I think of it. I’m really glad I read this since now I’m aware of a broader spectrum of compassion. I’ll be sure to thank and appreciate all the men, and anyone else, who tend to show more fierce compassion.
Funny thing is a lot of the acts you describe here would either be called heroism at best or at worst would be considered men trying “fix everything” rather than showing compassion.
Just maybe its not men that need fixing, but the definition of compassion that needs to be worked on.
Good point Danny, My son-in-law is a fireman and although some cats are “heroism” much if what he does falls into line with “compassion.”
I agree totally with this argument- more to the point , the compassion of male religious figures -such as St.Maximilian Kolbe, who gave his life to save that of a fellow inmate in Auschwitz , Venerable Pierre Toussaint( a Haitian ex-slave who refused to give into hatred despite the prejudice and discrimination he faced not just as a black person but as a Catholic as well(even at times when he suffered bigoted bheaviour at the hands of the Church authorities) or Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos, a German born Redemptorist priest is often overlooked!
Terry, thank you for your pointing him out. I hope people read up on his history. He is just one of many examples.
Good article! Everybody should practice fierce compassion, when we have a chance to do so.
Agreed, Rochelle.
I am horribly disappointed, I am afraid, in this piece. I have never, ever thought of men as not being compassionate. As a gay man, I lived through the horrors of the AIDS epidemic, when complete strangers helped one another, when men and women came to the aid of some of the most rejected human beings in American society, when men who would have died alone found themselves living with huge support from other men—and not dying alone. I know of so many stories of men who were utterly, completely compassionate; I have endless numbers of accounts of this. I… Read more »
Your examples, Perry, exemplify the point that when men are compassionate they are unappreciated. I agree that history is full of examples of men being compassionate, but we hardly put the words men and compassion together. I honor the compassion you and your friends cultivated in the face of tremendous suffering. Thank you for enlightening me of ways that men have been compassionate throughout history.
This is a lovely piece. What your piece made me realize is that while we usually don’t identify these acts as “compassionate”, we would certainly identify these acts by calling men “heros” for them. Every situation you described seemed to me, to be something we would call a man an unsung “hero” for. Ironically, we may use the world “compassionate” more often with women but we hardly ever use the word “hero” to describe women. So perhaps we use “compassionate” with women and “hero” with men? Although I fully support recongnizing more acts like the ones you described as displays… Read more »
I completely agree, Erin. Women are heroic and men are compassionate. Breaking out of gender boundaries, even in the words we use, frees us all to be our true selves. I want to teach my boys that compassion is part of being a man and heroes are often women–Frozen did a good job of this. I think the tone of your comment is that both men and women need to support each other and acknowledge both compassion and heroic actions regardless of gender. Thank you for being part of the conversation (and therefore the solution). {{{Hugs}}}} Kozo
Well said. And interesting. It’s absolutely true that women have enjoyed certain advantageous standings in traditional culture, the ownership of compassion being one. I would say this ties into a larger presumption that women are naturally more moral than men. (That’s a loaded assertion, though: I’m sure some feminist-minded individuals would be beside themselves, champing at the bit to say the exact opposite, that men are the ones who usually get the benefit of the doubt). But I don’t have time to go into it right now. Talk amongst yourselves. That said, I think you’re right, Erin, about the “hero”… Read more »
I’m all for that as well, Paul.
It’s absolutely true that women have enjoyed certain advantageous standings in traditional culture, the ownership of compassion being one. ” – This is true of both genders Paul. Men have also enjoyed certain advantageous standings in traditional culture. Quite possibly more so considering our dominate male run culture.
hero is used for certain things that involve more than simply compassion.
I ts used for women and men but more for men because men perform more heroic acts.