They say there are two things you can be sure of in life: death and taxes. If you’re in a relationship, you can add one more thing to that list: fights.
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Unlike death and taxes, there can be benefits to fights especially if you and your mate learn to “fight well.” Fighting well is an important skill to develop because (one more guarantee): you will fight again!
Here are a few lessons I’ve learned from ten years of gloriously intense negotiations with my wife.
1. Realize friction moves you forward.
Friction sheds light on what is valuable to each person. |
Healthy friction is necessary for progress. If the tires on your car don’t form friction with the road, you’re not going anywhere no matter how hard you hit the gas. Moreover, driving with frictionless tires is life threatening!
It’s the same with relationships. Friction sheds light on what is valuable to each person. Anger is just as valid a human emotion as joy or happiness; it’s the expression of anger that causes us to shy away from embracing it.
If you and your mate can dig deeper to uncover what’s behind the anger, you’ll discover valuable insights that will help you understand one another. Keeping the peace at all costs buries those insights under a façade of peace. In the long run, that can be unhealthier than dealing with the actual conflict.
2. Empty your emotional tank.
Sometimes venting takes a few minutes, other times it takes days. Either way, emptying your emotional tank in a healthy way is vital. This means you need to be aware of your behavioral tendencies when you’re ticked off.
When I’m upset, I leave the house to have a conversation with myself. It’s a chat I don’t want my wife to be a part of! I do this because my father was verbally and physically abusive to my mom when he was upset. It would have been much better if he just left the house rather than empty his emotional tank on her.
I’ve never hit my wife or been physically destructive during a fight, but I’m also aware that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Raw human emotion can be frighteningly powerful and cause us to do things we would never normally do.
My wife and I have an agreement not to let the sun go down while we’re angry. This doesn’t mean the issue is resolved in a day; it just means we’re committed to getting to a place of emotional equilibrium quickly. I go for walks; she goes to the bedroom, and we revisit the issue later.
3. Stay in bounds.
It’s important to keep the main thing the main thing when fighting. The more you know about your mate, the more ammo you have to fight dirty. That stuff is off-limits when you’re in an argument; there’s no better way to escalate things than by pulling in some other unrelated issue. If you’re fighting about laundry, it probably isn’t wise to bring up her ex-boyfriend.
There are times my wife and I have literally had to list what we were fighting about to keep the issues straight. Make it a point not to go out of bounds or change the rules in the middle of the game.
4. Be the first to express remorse.
Ongoing conflicts result in tons of collateral damage. Just ask countries that have been warring for generations–and can’t even remember why.
Someone has to take the first step towards reconciliation; it might as well be you. I’ve eaten plenty of “humble pie” during our relationship, swallowing my pride even if I didn’t feel at fault.
The result of taking this posture has always been positive. There have been countless times where my wife admitted later that the issue was her fault; she just didn’t want to admit it at the time. I’ve been guilty of the same. The point isn’t to win; it’s to allow peace to come quickly into your conflict.
5. Mature in your commitment.
You and your mate will have plenty of time for future fights.
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You and your mate will have plenty of time for future fights. Commitment isn’t always fun or easy, but fighting well can lead you both to deeper maturity: puppy love becomes tenacious Rottweiler devotion.
A friend once shared a Chinese proverb with us: “You never truly know a person until you fight with them.” We don’t enjoy fighting, but one key to our friendship has been the ability to fight well.
Friction can move you forward, and fighting well will shape and secure your identity as a couple. That’s a good thing because having that special someone makes facing death and taxes a whole lot easier.
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Photo: Flickr/ Ed Yourdon