Ever make first date mistakes? We all do. Here’s how to do better next time.
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You’ve got first date jitters. You’re waiting at the coffee shop, a little nervous. What if she doesn’t show up? What if he looks nothing like his profile photos? What if I spill my drink? What if I’m so attracted, I forget how to talk, and I sound like an idiot?
Whether you’re 25 or 55, first dates can be scary.
I’ve been on many first dates since my divorce. Some were wonderful—great conversation, attraction, and a second date was planned before the date ended.
And some were cringe-worthy—the guy who couldn’t stop talking about himself, the one who wore so much cologne, I could still smell him three days later.
These bad dates are usually good people who made a few unfortunate first date mistakes.
They didn’t have a clue. People just like my date ‘John’ (not his real name). He was a decent guy who made a bunch of first date mistakes that could have been avoided. He’s probably still making them, wondering why women keep turning him down.
This is for all the ‘Johns’ out there who’ve made first date mistakes. If you’ve ever wondered why you couldn’t get that second date, this one’s for you…
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My first date with John: 4 big mistakes that could have been avoided
I walked into the restaurant and spotted John sitting by the window. Or at least, I thought it was him, but this guy was much older, shorter, and heavier than the guy in I saw on the dating site.
It’s always a little shocking when someone doesn’t look like the photos they posted online.
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It’s always a little shocking when someone doesn’t look like the photos they posted online. While I was disappointed that he misrepresented himself, it wasn’t a deal breaker for me.
I always look for the good in my dates. I want to see if there’s a connection, and whether we have good energy together. And he had pretty blue eyes and a warm smile. I was open to seeing how things progressed.
He had invited me to brunch, so we went to the counter to order our food. He asked, “Are you hungry?”
“Yes,” I said. “I’m starving”.
“I’m not hungry at all,” said John. “I ate a big breakfast this morning. I only want coffee. Please, feel free to order whatever you like.”
What? You ate already? Awkward! But, I was too hungry to care, so I ordered an egg sandwich and coffee.
Mistake #1: Don’t invite someone out to eat if you’re going to eat before the date.
As I sat there devouring my egg sandwich, he began a heated discussion about religion. Or shall I say, a monologue? He had extreme views on God and religion. He had even written a book on the topic, and once he got started, he became quite fired up.
It was way too intense for me. So, I politely changed the subject.
Mistake #2: Stay away from controversial topics on a first date.
It’s not a good idea to talk about religion, politics, or sex on a first date. The first date is primarily for meeting, to see if there’s interest in a second date. Keep the conversation light as you’re getting to know one another.
Talk about the values you have in common. Discuss that trip to Bali. What do you do when you’re not working? Why do you love about your job? Do you do volunteer work? Talk about those things—all good (safe) topics for successful first date conversation.
By this time, I needed a break, so I excused myself and went to the ladies room. When I returned, he looked me up and down, and said, “You’re very youthful. I’m probably too old for you.” Compliment or…bad move?
Mistake #3: Don’t put yourself down.
“I’m probably too old for you?” He was only seven years older.
I don’t date older men who have poor self-esteem and self-sabotage throughout the date, which he did several more times before the date ended.
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I have no problem dating older men, especially when they are youthful, vibrant, and energetic. I don’t date older men who have poor self-esteem and self-sabotage throughout the date, which he did several more times before the date ended.
He said, “I don’t make a lot of money. Russian women only want to date men who make a lot of money.”
Come again?
He then told me a story of a Russian woman he had dated, how pretty she was, how he slept with her, and how she left him because she wanted someone with a lot of money.
Yikes! Don’t share your sexual escapades about another woman with me. And, please don’t talk about women who rejected you. It makes you sound pathetic. Why would I want to date the booby prize?
Mistake #4: Don’t share stories about your exes, especially if they dumped you!
When he called to ask me out a few days later, I thanked him, but said I didn’t think we were a romantic match.
John is bright, cultured, interesting, and he has a good heart. If he stopped sticking his foot in his mouth and putting himself down, he would definitely have a lot more luck in the love department.
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The moral of this first date story
What can we learn from my first date with John? Be your best on a first date (and every other date). Please don’t put yourself down, and stay away from hot topics like sex, politics, and religion, until you know each other a little better.
Confidence is sexy
If you want to attract a confident partner, work on building up your self-worth. Hold your head high, and value yourself in every area of your life, especially on a first date. You won’t get another chance to make a great first impression.
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Have you ever sabotaged a first date by saying or doing something you regret? Please share your stories below.
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Photo: Flickr/Petras Gagilas
Its true that more than half of the first dates can turn into a nightmare if anyone perform some terrible mistakes in front of his partner for the first time. https://yourdatingteacher.wordpress.com/2016/05/03/these-mistakes-can-spoil-your-first-date/, here the author has also mentioned some mistakes that people generally do on their first date.
Too funny, Tex. “by the way, check this out?” …and a mini apology here. Was not intending to besmirch anyone, or diminish the article. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone learns. I’m accustom to some less serious men’s boards on dating, where laughter and ribbing are the order of the day. …but when one hears about a 40 year old guy that still talks with food in his mouth, and a woman that spends an entire date dodging food particles; afraid to eat because she’s not sure what has landed and what has not, one has to laugh. Still help, but,… Read more »
True story. I made tons of mistakes on the first date including whipping “it” out as we hugged in her truck in the parking lot at the end of our first date. How we are engaged now is a mystery to me and probably everyone else including her, but it happens. I guess the moral of the story is that even if a guy makes a ton of mistakes on the first date like I did, but you see something in him that you like, give him a second chance and see what happens.
@Tex,
Whipping it out as you hugged in her truck? What a great story!
And I agree, cut a guy (or gal) some slack if they slip up a bit, but are basically good eggs. So glad your woman forgave the whipping out in the truck and saw that you were a good guy! Congratulations on your engagement!
Tex, you made me laugh. You have to tell us what happened after you ‘whipped it out’? Not the details, but did she say, “yeah baby” or “umm, no sweetie. Call me in a couple days k?”
I sometimes chuckle when I see a woman trying to teach guys about how to date, especially when relaying real world examples. I do that because I’ve seen this guy so many times, and I feel their pain. I involve myself on a few dating boards (well, only one now- bigger fish t fry), and Good golly Miss Molly have I seen the sick, lame, and lazy. I sometimes do not know where to begin…and then have them argue! Don’t get me wrong, there are women also, but they are usually just bad people: selfish, entitled, expecting; on their cell… Read more »
@DJ Roukan,
Your comment made me smile. I should change the title to ‘Good Men Doing Dumb Things on a Date’. I help good women stop making these types of mistakes. We all have had foot in mouth disease at some point, I think. I’ve certainly said things I’ve regretted on a date. But I learn from each date. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all course correct as we go bumping into the night? Or the twilight zone, as you so aptly stated?
Happy dating!
@ DJ,
You posted this in another piece a few days ago,
“My wife was the same way. She asked me out, and none of what young men are dealing with today was ever an issue.….which is why she’s my wife of 23 years.”
Curious why you are on a dating board if you are married?