Showtime explores what makes the “friends with benefits” relationship work… And what can cause it to fail.
Originally appeared at The Single Father’s Blog
In a previous blog post I talked about the pros and cons of being in the friend zone with a woman. This article got a lot of great feedback from people who had different feelings on what the friend zone entails exactly. Since we have broken down the friend zone, I think it’s only right that we discuss friends with benefits.
For those who don’t know, the term “friends with benefits” is usually some type of arrangement between two people that basically says “we’re friends but we have also decided to do the grown up, bump ‘n’ grind, and get our freak on all at the same damn time.” These arrangements usually happen when the two people have some sort of chemistry or history, but neither of them is looking for any sort of commitment or long term relationship. Sometimes women will refer to a man who is only there to fulfill her sexual needs as a “maintenance man“. Usually, guys don’t mind being in a situation with a woman who only wants sex because…well, he’s a guy…and it’s sex…and guys love sex…Get it? Got it? Good!
Similar to the friend zone, friends with benefits has it’s pros and cons. It can be something that works out really well for everyone involved, or it can turn into something completely disastrous.
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The main factor in a friends with benefits situation is that both people are single. Lets just be clear, you should NOT have any type of sexual encounters with one of your friends when you are in a relationship because that’s just a disaster waiting to happen. Even though it should be obvious that this scenario is for single folks, I want to make sure you understand what I am saying: you can’t have friends with benefits AND be in a monogamous relationship at the same time.
Over the years I’ve had conversations with plenty of people about having friends with benefits. As time goes on it seems to be more and more acceptable simply because people don’t want to deal with what goes on in relationships. People are tired of being hurt, they are fed up with meeting people who lie to them, and they often times just lose faith in the possibility of having a healthy relationship with someone who loves them. They don’t want to deal with the drama so they resort to an easy solution of instant gratification.There usually isn’t a lot of drama when both sides agree that there are no titles, no expectations, and no real obligations….Just sex!
Even though being friends with benefits is primarily about sex, there still needs to be a chemistry between the two parties outside of the bedroom in order for it to work. Not many people are going to be willing to carry on any type of relationship with someone they don’t get along with. Even if there is a great chemistry in the bedroom, there still needs to be something outside of sex to keep things flowing. It’s called FRIENDS with benefits because usually the people involved are friendly in some way. I have seen situations where two people have absolutely nothing in common and end up sleeping together, but that doesn’t happen very often because you usually have to pique a woman’s interest before she will even entertain the idea of sleeping with you.
As with any relationship, communication is the key to making friends with benefits work. Whatever expectations you have going into it should be addressed from the beginning so the other person is on the same page. It would suck to find out that the person that you think is going to be your go-to for convenient sex is actually expecting you to be in a long term relationship with them. You don’t want to be responsible for setting someone up and letting them down in the long run.
Also, friends with benefits usually have great sex because they are extremely sexually compatible. Most women aren’t just going to give up the goods without a title if there isn’t some benefit in it for them. So fellas, if you do find a friend who is just wants some good conversation and some good sex, make sure you are bringing your A-GAME. You shouldn’t half step in the bedroom, and neither should she. Just like when you are in a relationship, it is your job to make sure that she is satisfied and getting what she needs out of the situation. If you don’t, your services won’t be used for very long.
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On the flip side, the friends with benefits scenario can be detrimental because it can spoil you. It’s easy to get used to being able to fulfill your sexual needs and forget about the benefits of true romance and companionship. It’s easy to get lazy when you have this type of arrangement. You really don’t have to put forth any effort. You aren’t going to be in a rush to buy a cow when you are getting the milk for free as the old folks used to say. The art of pursuing a potential partner gets lost when you’re getting sex without putting forth any real effort.
There is also an emotional element that has to be taken into consideration. Most normal people will gain some sort of emotional attachment to the person that they are having sex with on a regular basis. It’s just human nature. If the person that you are sleeping with isn’t on the same page as you are in the book of emotions then eventually someone is going to get their feelings hurt. The friend with benefits can often times dwell in the gray area between love and lust, leading to love for some and simply remain as lust for someone else. It is a very thin line that needs to be treaded lightly. If you are both having fun, and enjoying the time that you spend together, there shouldn’t be any thing else expected aside from just that.
Usually, the woman is the shot caller when it comes to friends with benefits. This is no different than any other type of relationship. The woman has the goods, so she makes the rules. If you’re not ready, willing, and able to commit to this one element of the agreement then this might not be the best situation for you. I’m not saying that you have to come across as some desperate loser who couldn’t get laid if his life depended on it. But just know that she is driving the car and you’re just along for the ride…literally (lol).
If you do happen to find a friend with benefits you also have to make sure that the boundaries are drawn. Both of you are single and free to date whoever you choose. There shouldn’t be any unexpected visits, random “thinking about you texts”, or badgering about why they weren’t available when you called them. Those are the things that will leave you left out in the cold while your friend is getting her benefits from someone else. Just be cool, and go with the flow. Things will happen the way that they are supposed to happen.
Most importantly, make sure you and your partner are being safe. There is no commitment, which means that either of you can do whoever whatever you want to do. Don’t ever get so comfortable with the situation that you stop using protection. Nothing is worth the risk that comes along with unprotected sex, so strap it up! The person who you thought was a friend could quickly turn into an enemy if an STD pops its ugly head into the picture.
Friends with benefits isn’t something that’s for everybody. Some men and women prefer something that has more substance to it. Some want to give themselves to someone who is going to reciprocate something more than just sex. Whatever your case may be, do what suits you. Do what makes you comfortable and remember to keep the other persons feelings in consideration at all times.
What do you think about having friends with benefits? Is it okay to sleep with someone who you are not in a relationship with?
Image courtesy of Cali4beach
To the ladies who said they have FWB and enjoy it, question: how will the relationship end? Because let’s face it, everything in life comes to an end. I highly doubt you two will be 80 years old still making booty calls to one another. Have you thought that far ahead? Or are you just enjoying the sex for what it is in the moment, with a devil may care attitude about what goes on in the future? Not trying to be condescending, just wondering. I have had a few FWB arrangements over the years and will NEVER do it… Read more »
I agree Beth with everything you said. Good post and as long as women understand this and I do, they won’t be Hurt. You have To know what YOU want and stick to your guns. I hAve been wife and an fwb and there isn’t really much of a difference when your husband cheats on you at least with a fwb u know what’s up. I guess once I get bored with it I Will move on. It really is impossible to date other men when i am with my fwb at least once a week. But What we share… Read more »
My FWB rocks my sexual world and this type of relationship is more satisfying and fun than any serious, committed relationship I have ever been in. With him not only do I feel free to try new things, but I want to! I love that we mix it up, I want to be sexy for him, I’m in to lingere, new positions, and taking matters into my own hands. I’ve learned a lot about giving good head, and in turn I’ve enjoyed many multiple orgasms. For me, having a FWB is very satisfying, exciting and convenient. I’m all for it,… Read more »
Exactly how I feel! Except I’m still kind of shy about the whole dressing in lingerie thing since I’ve only ever done that with a former fiance. I just ran across a book at the store the other day called The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. I hate how just because we enjoy having sex with people it is considered being a “slut” I just say it is enjoying life! But that book was pretty interesting and gave me a few laughs when I picked it up. I’m gonna have to buy it!
You know, maybe we as humans should just give up the whole marriage thing and let everyone sleep with everyone else, a la bonobo (our closest living relative, baring chimps). They solve every dispute with sex (rape is rare) and are one of the most peaceful beings on the planet. We could learn from their example.
From a woman’s view, I agree with this article. I have had a FWB that we can hang out and have a good time, sleep together, talk about other people we hook up with and we get along great still! I also have one that I know we care deeply about each other. We love each other, but he knows I don’t want a relationship. I know in the end he is hurting himself, but I told him from the start. I also have had to deal with what you do with these FWBs when you are finally in a… Read more »
“You really don’t have to put forth any effort. You aren’t going to be in a rush to buy a cow when you are getting the milk for free as the old folks used to say.”
I think that more often people think that without emotions sex just gets boring. I feel like this statement is just male stereotyping and macho posturing.
“I’m not saying that you have to come across as some desperate loser who couldn’t get laid if his life depended on it.” I am sorry but this is not acceptable language for a website of this caliber. Sexually shaming men for not being able to get laid is not what this website is about and you should be ashamed of yourself for doing that. Not that you will be. What is it about being a decent human being that treats all people with fairness and respect that is so hard for people to understand? If sex is all about… Read more »
I guess I expect too much from the decency and humanity of others to expect anyone to agree.
Humanity:: -1
“I am sorry but this is not acceptable language for a website of this caliber.”
Just who are you to determine what is “acceptable” language? The gall of some people to think they can impose their sense of decency on others is simply repugnant.
Good sexual chemistry is a very important part of a marriage or any relationship. Anyone who thinks it isn’t is dreaming. I was married for 8 yearst sex with my ex husband was amazing. We even had sex while were separated. He would come over and we would still have sex we just didn’t want to be married anymore. I know. Weird huh? Lol but we divorced because we grew apart we just aren’t compatible anymore beyond sex. That’s reality. Now I have an fwb. Again amazing sex and we are comfortable with it. Our situation is kind of crazy… Read more »
After 40 or 50 years of feminism being perused in earnest, we have data on the effects of a women’s ability to form long-term relationships. If a woman marries the only man she’s made love to she has a 95% chance of staying married. The second man it is 57%, the third man is 54%, the fourth man is 53%, the fifth man is 50%, the sixth to ninth is 48%, the tenth is 44%. After about the twelfth or so it becomes a statistical impossibility that a woman is able to form a lasting relationship. I’m not sure what… Read more »
Cite please?
@NWOSlave I recommend reading http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Correlation_does_not_imply_causation
Or in other words, it is just as likely (and, with a little thought given, probably *more* likely) that a person who has sex with multiple partners isn’t *interested* in a long term relationship.
Not necessarily. I am interested in long term relationships with my fwbs. Or even a committed relationship if we both feel the time is right. I’ve just been hurt too many times and breaking off my engagement was my final straw. I give up on any type of commitment for a few years.
guess I’m screwed
I am a firm believer that the number of sexual partners a woman has DOES impact a long-term relationship or marriage. Perhaps the same applies for men too. But, I am a man and can speak from experience as it related to a woman (my ex wife in particular). I know women hate to hear this and might not want to believe it. However, common sense would clearly support my view. Just take fine dining. If you have sampled several good restaurants, and lousy ones too, you’re going to always remember the best one. You might be content to going… Read more »
I can definitely understand your point of view and am definitely beginning to think that marriage is a failed institution. But if I ever change my mind and decide to get married, I would not marry someone who was not amazing in bed. I never have a problem finding better and better sex. I also find sex better when I connect more with a person.
So a woman is going to dump her otherwise great husband because she finds another guy who is great in bed? Sex is not the only reason why people get married. What an obviously point. The reason why I want to get married is to share a life with someone. Have a family. Sex is important but its not the most important factor. A sexless marriage is a horrible thought to me and my heart genuinely goes out to you for your experience. If you’ve made mistakes in the past, learnt for your experience and your humble enough to appreciate… Read more »
There’s a major disadvantage to FWB that isn’t mentioned here. If you then decide to settle down with someone else, how do you think *they* are going to feel about your friend or friends that you used to sleep with? Maybe they’re fine with it, but it would perfectly normal if they don’t feel comfortable having them around. All of a sudden, that person who was a friend you happened to sleep with, is just another ex you don’t see anymore. So you need to strongly consider which is more important to you. The friend, or the benefit? Because in… Read more »
I prefer “benefits without friendship.” It’s more honest and usually winds up costing less in the long run.
“benefits without friendship.” – Have you done this on an ongoing basis? How did you meet them and how did the “relationship” start?
It’s a business transaction. Let your fingers do the walking.
Oh never mind. I misread.
I could definitely find myself establishing a relationship like this with a woman at this stage in my life, as I am comfortable in my sexuality and have a healthy understanding of relationships and about communication. However, I am married and certainly not going to have a FWB. At a certain point I think it can be sustainable, basically with people who have developed the skills emotionally and with communication to handle the landscape of such a relationship. For younger people who are single and who are desiring a monogamous relationship, I think maintaining a FWB relationship takes you away… Read more »