Mark Greene asks, how is it that empathic men have been collectively tagged as “easily hurt” or “delicately aware?” Who made that decision?
—
Lately, I’ve seen a number of well written and thoughtful articles about highly sensitive men. The 20% or so of men who, in theory, pick up on lots more information from the world around them. These articles seek to empower men who are more aware of emotional expression in the people they deal with. It is an effort to create space in our cultural dialogues for men who show pronounced empathy for others and manifest a wider range of male gender roles, such as care taking.
All very important and very necessary. All very fine and good.
Now, Google “sensitive man” and look at the images that come up:
What you get is pictures of men crying.
|
What you get is pictures of men crying. You get pictures of men looking miserable. Distraught. Anxious. As if the very process of being aware or expressive is the instantaneous emotional equivalent of not getting picked for kickball. Where I come from, the kid who didn’t fit in was called “a little bit sensitive” by his mom. It was not a positive thing. It was a general apology for a son who couldn’t stop cringing during batting practice.
But don’t take my word for it. Let’s look at the Merriam Webster Online Dictionary’s definition of sensitive:
: highly responsive or susceptible: as
a (1) : easily hurt or damaged; especially : easily hurt emotionally
(2) : delicately aware of the attitudes and feelings of others
How is it that empathic men have been collectively tagged with a term which defines them as easily hurt emotionally or delicately aware? How did the word sensitive suddenly become what we call these men? Who made that decision? Language is a powerful thing. You might as well be calling them “special” and dropping your voice slightly when you say it.
We are very close to pathologizing emotional awareness in men. Because we continue to insist that thick skinned emotionally distant men are the baseline for men.
|
We are very close to pathologizing emotional awareness in men. Because we continue to insist that thick skinned emotionally distant men are the baseline for men. (You can thank the man box for that helpful discourse.) But emotionally distant men are a product of their environment, not a genetic inevitability. Why emotionally distant men get to be the baseline against which “sensitive men” are judged needs to be reexamined. Like, right now.
Don’t get me wrong. Most articles extoll the virtues of highly sensitive men. Why you should date one. Why you should get one as your nanny. But the language we are using is framing these guys as fragile; as if the capacity for emotional connection is a one way ticket to anxiety for men. Moreover, as much as these sensitive guys are being promoted as better husband material, there is still the ongoing subtext that women want a sensitive guy at home while they go party with the bad boys. Grotesquely, our cultural narrative about sensitive men undermines male emotional awareness as a recipe for being taken advantage of by women.
And so, we end up with yet another damaging binary. (God, we love those in American culture.) In this case, we are at risk of creating a false masculine binary that places over-emotional weepers on one end, and bull-in-the-china-shop alpha males on the other. Which does a disservice to men across the spectrum of our gender. I would suggest that all men have a capacity for sensitivity and emotional expression. Some just choose not to engage it. They turn it off. And for good reason. See: The Man Box: The Link Between Emotional Suppression and Male Violence
♦◊♦
So how about we change the whole conversation? First, how about we frame empathy as a natural expression of male strength; a sign of a more emotionally stable and capable man? Or better yet, lets just pull out all the stops and make the capacity for emotional connection central to being thought of as a real man. Because the idea that only a limited number of men are “highly sensitive” reinforces yet again the damaging view of emotionally closed off masculinity as normative for men.
And secondly, if we continue to equate emotional awareness with fragility, encouraging emotional awareness and connection is going to be a hard sell to men and women alike. Let’s call the capacity for emotional connection what it is, a strength.
Yes, there are some contexts in which being compassionate is not immediately an asset. It sucks to be anything other than an emotional robot and play football with Richie Incognito. And yes, the prevailing (false) narrative in our culture continues to be that the thick skinned alpha males have the easiest time of it. And yes, to this day, we believe that women love a strong confident man. But here’s where I have to note a sea change.
The question we should be asking is not “what is a sensitive man?” The question we should be asking is “for a man, what is true strength?”
|
Because the question we are finally beginning to ask is not “what is a sensitive man?” The question we are now asking is “for men, what is true strength?” The positive aspects of the highly sensitive man narrative isn’t about sensitivity at all. Its about intentional awareness. A simple choice by any man who is willing, to care about what is going on in the emotional lives of the people around him.
If a man chooses not to value empathy, it is most likely because he was not raised to see how central it is to living a full life. The result is a man who is isolated behind a wall of disconnection.
But no matter how we are raised, the ongoing lack of emotional connection in our adult lives is a personal choice, not some gender-based genetic predisposition. Men who do not honor the emotions of others, who do not call on their natural capacity for empathy are at risk of living lives that are emotionally empty and unfulfilling. They drink too much, self medicate though consumerism or sexuality and ultimately feel isolated. Its a choice a lot of men make, but it is by no means natural or predetermined. It is a choice.
Likewise, boys or men, young or old, can make a very different choice. They can choose to activate that most central of their human capacities; the ability to sense and value the emotions of others. It is a choice that results not in sorrow and fragility, but in laughter, joy, connection and play. Moreover, it results in resiliency, community, capacity and strength; strength to weather the challenges of life and to help those they love do so as well. These men are not “delicately aware”. They are not “easily hurt or damaged”. They have made a choice to be strong. And in choosing to be strong in this way, they will change the world and the lives of those they love for the better.
So, enough with the “highly sensitive” man thing. How about we just call them real men?
Click here to like Mark Greene’s Facebook page.
For Crying Out Loud, Can We Please Stop Calling Them Highly Sensitive Men? http://t.co/qZmA2FuIj9 via @megasahd
— Mark Greene (@megaSAHD) March 10, 2014
“We are very close to pathologizing emotional awareness in men.” http://t.co/fB1Uk152YM via @megaSAHD @goodmenproject @iproposethis
— A. Rascal (@rascality) March 10, 2014
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
illuminatingly good –>For Crying Out Loud, Can We Please Stop Calling Them Highly Sensitive Men? http://t.co/cs0IWcvLQY via @megasahd
— Lori Ann Lothian (@LoriAnnLothian) March 10, 2014
—
Get a powerful collection of Mark Greene’s articles, in his book, REMAKING MANHOOD–Available now in print and on Kindle Reader for Windows, Macs, Android, iPhones and iPads
Remaking Manhood is a collection of Mark Greene’s most widely shared articles on American culture, relationships, family and parenting. It is a timely and balanced look at the issues at the heart of the modern masculinity movement. Mark’s articles on masculinity and manhood have received over 100,000 FB shares and 10 million page views. Get Remaking Manhood IN PRINT or on the free Kindle Reader app for any Mac, Windows or Android device here.
Read more by Mark Greene:
The Ugly and Violent Death of Gender Conformity
When “Check Your Male Privilege” Becomes a Bludgeon
Why Are Death Rates Rising for Middle Aged White Americans?
When Men Keep Demanding Sex From Their Partners Over and Over
How the Man Box Can Kill Our Sons Now or Decades from Now
Why Traditional Manhood is Killing Us
Why Do We Murder the Beautiful Friendships of Boys?
How America’s Culture of Shame is a Killer for Boys
The Culture of Shame: Men, Love, and Emotional Self-Amputation
The Man Box: Why Men Police and Punish Others
The Man Box: The Link Between Emotional Suppression and Male Violence
The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men of Touch
Boys and Self-Loathing: The Conversations That Never Took Place
The Dark Side of Women’s Requests of Progressive Men
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
The original term I saw was “Highly Sensitive Person” as a biological category that didn’t have much to do with gender. I have no problem identifying with a “Highly Sensitive Man” within that context.
Instead, I’d be in favor of changing things so that “sensitive” isn’t an automatic insult.
“Sensitive” is a loaded word regardless of gender. “Don’t be so sensitive” is the ultimate exemplar of the widespread attitude of “If you don’t like the shit I say or do, that’s YOUR problem”. There’s also the assumption that women are already “sensitive”(often in a pejorative sense) so there’s no need to even mention it. “How about we just call them real men?” Ugh. Really? Anything with “real man” is invariably a lame publicity stunt or a crap ad campaign. How about we just call them human fucking beings? (The “fucking” is, of course optional, unless humanity’s essential sexual nature… Read more »
Also, this is not new. This has not just started being applied to men. Remember any Art History or just basic Western Civ. or English from High School. Remember all those men of deep commitment who loved deeply and cried all the time, from the Iliad to Shakespeare to Wuthering Heights to the Brave New World? This is not something we are just now doing, it is a trend from forever. We have always worked hard to tell emotional men that they were specifically called out for either suffering or greatness, or well… for either outright suffering, or greatness combined… Read more »
Our rules for men, much more than our rules for women, are a mass of internal contradictions that dictate guilt for all the allowed responses, in a lot of circumstances? My father was raised with the Bible and then drafted. My friends were told they were valuable, and beaten bloody to prove it. I am told to be less competitive, but make the money my spouse requires, even though we already live way too well. Since everything is a double-bind, empathy and logic do not make for a happy man. If they just won’t leave you alone, and you really… Read more »
About time I’ve gotten a chance to read something like this. Their is so much more to being “Strong” than bench pressing, and their is so much more to be being a Man. Articles like this need to be almost viral as its a way to hidden truth, that media today completely ignores.
Being sensitive doesn’t simply mean crying. I agree, and I’d go one step further with a corollary: Crying doesn’t mean a man is sensitive. Just because a man is crying in public doesn’t mean he’s actually a sensitive man. Those photos reminded me of photos of Jimmy Swaggart crying years ago as he begged God and his followers to forgive him for all his indiscretions. I never thought of him as a highly sensitive man, crying or not. I’m not saying he specifically is/was an insensitive jerk. I’m just saying that insensitive assholes are perfectly capable of crying in public… Read more »
At first I saw this article and went “oh crap, here they go berating the HSP” but I do think there are some valid and thoughtful points here. I am classified as an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) which makes me a fantastic nurse, but a mess in some parts of my relationships. The best description I have been given for an HSP is “Someone who doesn’t have a filter over their heart, like most people do. This person can be easily hurt by comments that most others would not even notice.” Now my husband is also an HSP, but of… Read more »
There’s a lot of effort needed to hide your emotions. What could be accomplished if that was used constructively.
I heard that when women say they want a sensitive man they mean a man who is sensitive to her feelings not his own. I wonder how much of that is true.
As much as all other stereotypes, probably: Sometimes painfully true, but more often utter bullshit.
You make a good point there.
This woman here would say she wants a sensitive man because she wants someone with emotional intelligence and good perception.
Someone that at least try to understand his own emotions/feelings, and that always consider other people’s emotions/feelings – Generosity and Kindness are some of the qualities I admire the most in a man (or woman), and I believe only sensitive people can have them.
“This woman here would say she wants a sensitive man because she wants someone with emotional intelligence and good perception.”
So why not refer to this paradigm of modern manhood as “perceptive” or “emotionally aware”?
That top left stock pic has been used to make fun of men and men’s issues so many time it makes me seize up. The emotion could be very genuine, but that’s what immediately came to mind – people mocking men even if they’re showing real emotion.
And frankly, so what if men cry? That is not something worth mocking, and we have every right to do it.
Can’t say I buy trying to reclaim “real man” either – just not worth it, but otherwise, another good piece Mark.
Awww crap, here we go again with the missing posts.
You’re right Mark, we need to move forward. Even the so called “alpha male” has the capability of expressing sensitivity and that’s one of the reasons I struggle with the images of men who are “sensitive” being shown as some blubbering mess. Yeah, that’s the image we want to show men …. like it’s going to help? Part of the moving forward is to allow an environment that men can feel comfortable expressing their emotions without the “tag.” But that environment has to allow the perceived alpha male be be who he is but add the feeling that having other… Read more »
Good article. Being in control of your emotions and having/expressing them are two different things. It’s good to have control, especially in certain situations, but it’s definitely not good to be so repressed as to be oblivious to emotional needs of yourself or your loved ones.
“We are very close to pathologizing emotional awareness in men. ” Society has always pathologized emotional awareness. It has been used as a reason why women are incapable and incompetent. It has always been seen as weak and a burden more than benefit. This is nothing new as men have been doing this to women for thousands of years. Men are just becoming aware of the policing that happens when it comes to emotionalism because that policing is now being focused on men also, which brings it in to the light. the fact that men are talking about this as… Read more »
Hi Lynn,
If men are to move toward creating parity across the board in partnership with women, we can not do so in absolute silence or it is not a very good example of parity. Thanks for your comment.
Lynn, when emotional awareness is expected, and rewarded, as it has traditionally been in women in society, it’s not pathology. Men have always been expected—including, perhaps even especially, by women—to be strong and stoic. Sensitivity has traditionally been suspect in men. It has always been “policed.” Policing men for sensitivity has always existed, even as women have complained that men aren’t sensitive ENOUGH. Your casual, flippant dismissal of the situation is not only not helpful, intelligent, or intuitive, but, weirdly, serves to illustrate the problem even as you obliquely tell men to suck up the phew policing and responding emotionally… Read more »
Michael Rowe, the only thing I dislike about your response is the implication that women put the majority of social pressure on men to be strong and stoic. I think that needs some reevaluation since it is a preference created by patriarchal society and not necessarily one that I feel women have clung to. The female desire for a mature and responsible male isn’t mutually exclusive with stoicism.
Lexi, thank you for your kind words. The patriarchy may have been created by men, but it has been maintained over the millennia by both men and women, and there has been as much of an emphasis of keeping men in their place, in order to maintain the “social order,” as there has been in keeping women there. In fairness, we’re not talking about “mature and responsible” males here, we’re talking about the right of men to be sensitive and/or emotional, and/or connected to their feelings, without being gender policed for it as “unmanly.” With all due respect, having actually… Read more »
excellent posts,
in both replies you knocked it out the park
Lynn. Have you ever been beaten for crying? Have you ever seen a girl beaten for crying? I grew up around a lot of abusive adults, with a lot of abused children, and you are just plain wrong. Women are not punished nearly as often for feeling bad (or for much of anything else). Boys in my life, including my few close friends, were consistently ‘beaten out of’ being ‘useless’ when they were ‘feeling sorry for themselves’. (Of course, a lot of them then ended up in jail. And, guess what, only one girl among the lot went there.) Women… Read more »
I’m getting like John Boehner when I watch a sad movie now. I guess I’m getting sentimental with old age.
It’s sort of ironic that this article gets posted the same day I hear about a new campaign to stop calling women “bossy” or “pushy” if they show leadership qualities. To me it’s two sides of the same coin.
A-men to that.
I second that A-men!