When it comes to parenting, Connie K. Grier suggests that you raise your standards but lower your voice.
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Long before I married, I already desired two things in terms of my becoming a parent. One of those things was having twins (yes, I was crazy enough to WANT twins). I was lucky to be blessed with twins who I carried past their full term, and who weighed 6’10 ad 6’3 at their birth. The second desire involved the gender of my children. I knew from day one that I wanted, no I NEEDED to have boy children. Many mothers long for little girls whose hair, clothing, and shoe game they can mold. Not this mother. I am the mother more comfortable with practical jokes, smelly feet, and protective arms over my shoulder as we walk across a street (still boggles my mind that they are tall enough to perform that action).
My main reason for my incessant prayer for boys was because of their temperament. As an educator, I learned early on that I do not suffer sassiness, snarkiness, or whining very well. As a parent, those behaviors would not only be insufferable, but handled. Luckily, our sons were raised in such a way that they do not see the need to resort to these communication styles. But what about when disciplining boys for an infraction. How do we redirect behavior without going for the jugular and bringing out the beast? Here are a few suggestions:
CONSISTENCY
When raising our sons, the raising starts sooner rather than later. We cannot let our sons run wild until the age of 9, and then wonder why they verbally resist direction. There is a difference between fostering independence and raising a child without guidance. Discuss your rules, stick to your rules, and do both early on.
RAISE YOUR STANDARDS, BUT LOWER YOUR VOICE
Holding our sons to high standards does not have to include yelling and screaming (this actually goes back to consistency). Once we set forth a standard of behavior, we must hold our sons to it consistently. If we cannot do this, then the standard needs to be reevaluated by US. For example, one standard of behavior in my home, no video games during the school week. None. Nada. No arguing, no screaming. It’s been this way since they have been introduced to them; they are 15 and the standard is still in place. They don’t even ask. They know other ways to occupy their time after homework are the standard.
Regarding the yelling, I have found that when established relationships exist, yelling is not necessary as a discipline strategy unless they have set themselves on fire, which for boys is quite possible…
BE FAIR
No need to be over the top or extra dramatic with our sons when discipline is necessary. Frankly, the outrageous forever extended punishments lose their effectiveness and are often too challenging for a family to adhere to. For example, if one of the boys doesn’t wake up in a timely, compliant manner, then he needs to go to bed earlier as opposed to saying “No television for a month” Discipline and punishment are two different things.
RELATIONSHIPS COME FIRST
In order for all the above to be effective, we must have a solid relationship with our sons. They must understand that when we redirect them, it is being done out of love and with their best interest at heart. If they feel the correction is about humiliation, power, or frustration, it will be harder for the new behavior to take root.
Will we get it right every second of every day? No. Absolutely not. But with a focus on effectiveness and love, we will get it wrong less often than we get it right!
What are some strategies that you utilize to redirect behavior?
Photo: Veisto/Flickr